Chapter 13
CHAPTER 13
CLOVER
I don’t like university.
It’s actually all thorns and thistles in my opinion.
It’s only my first week here and I feel like I don’t belong. It’s not just the work that takes all my concentration to study and understand, but it’s the mix of all the designations in one place that unsettle me.
Everyone wears a scent neutralizer so that we’re not overwhelmed by other people, but it doesn’t help me.It’s almost worse not fully knowing who you’re around. It’s not like the socials at the school where you feel protected. This is more wild and less protected.
It also doesn’t help that I don’t really care about school.
Between being overwhelmed with the few classes that I’m taking, I don’t really feel connected with them. It’s exhausting for me to pretend that anything they’re saying to me matters because it doesn’t.
Some people are built to go to college and live that life, but I don’t think I’m one of those people.
The only classes I am actually enjoying are the online classes I’m taking for my Omega studies.
Learning about my designation and finding out more about who I am has been amazing. I wish that I was still at The Omega Academy with the others. I miss being around people that want me around. People that don’t stare at me when I walk by. A place where I feel like I belong.
Pack Mathers is made up of a bunch of people who see me as an inconvenience. They all act so strangely about it. I understand what it feels like not to be wanted. Each Alpha, and even their Beta, has shown me that they don’t want an Omega in their pack.
Which is fine .
But we still need to get through the next three months.
Apollo said we’re going to the hockey game tonight. Since three of the guys are playing and he doesn’t have a game we’re expected to cheer them on.
Part of me wants to say no and stay in the guest room for the night. I also know who I am as a person and I like the idea of being invited to places. Plus, my Omega studies advisor said that it would do me good to get out and interact with different designations; since I’ve been segregated my whole life.
From living with just Betas to being at the Omega Academy, this is the first real experience with all designations. She’s hoping by having Apollo there it will help settle some of my discomfort and give me an opportunity to see how things are.
This week I learned about some Omega history. It’s been interesting learning about the role an Omega has played through time in packs and how modern packs still center around Omegas a lot.
It’s been a struggle for me to figure out the difference from me as a Beta to me as an Omega. Even though I am the same person I still feel like I’m learning about myself. My Omega classes allow me to ask the questions no one ever answered.
A knock on the door makes me jump before I’m on my feet pulling it open.
Apollo stands there, his dirty blonde hair slicked back. It’s slightly wavy on the top and I can tell he has products in it. He’s dressed in a pair of black jeans, a hoodie, and a jacket over it. A pair of boots that look more fashionable than half the things I own top the outfit off.
Suddenly I feel the urge to stay home.
When I went to the game last week I was freezing. To avoid that I had on a pair of leggings with my jeans on top of them. I wore a thermal shirt topped with a long sleeve shirt, a hoodie, and my pink puffer jacket. I have on a knitted hat with two white fuzzy pom-poms on top and my regular white sneakers. A pair of mittens are jammed into the pocket of my jacket and I’m still worried that with all my layers I may still be cold.
“Are you ready to go?”
“Do I have to go?” He blinks like he’s taken aback by my question. Suddenly I feel nervous again.
Everyone else is already at the game. They had to take a bus over there this morning. It’s only about an hour away, but they’re going to spend the night and then come home after the game on Saturday.
Apollo told me this morning, before he had gone to his own practice, that we would be driving there tonight and depending on the weather we might stay in the same hotel. He had already gotten rooms just in case that happened..
It’s freezing out, despite it not yet being Halloween, and outside smells like snow.
When I walked to class this morning I felt like I was risking hypothermia with each step. Maybe that was another reason I wasn’t a big fan of school. I much rather be in bed in something cozy than dressed for school in the cold.
“You can’t stay here alone.”
So I have no choice in this.
My whole life I have been told to be agreeable. It’s something I know how to do. So why stop now?
Scooping up my overnight bag I ignore Apollo as he reaches to take it from me, sliding past him and trying not to think of the way his black tea scent takes a bitter edge to it when I ignore him.
Why am I feeling like this?
I’m outside before he is and standing next to the passenger side door, pulling at the handle, like that is somehow going to magically make it open up.
Spoiler alert: It doesn’t.
“Here,” My bag comes off my shoulder and the door is swung open as Apollo opens it, waiting for me to get in before moving to put our overnight bags in the backseat. “There’s water and hot chocolate in the mugs. I didn’t know which you’d prefer.” He comments as he gets in teh drivers side..
Instead of thanking him, I nod my head to acknowledge I hear him.
I’m tugging my coat tighter around me already chilled. My thumb absentmindedly runs over the embroidery on the left sleeve. The coat was a hand me down from one of the girls at the academy, but the stuffing was coming outside of the arm. To fix it I stitched a pretty green plant that is blooming with swirling pink and white flowers to cover the hole. It also made it feel more like it was mine.
Touching it calms me down. Reminds me of a piece of me that is still the same through all the changes.
The heat is on, warming me up as we drive. Apollo has Top 40 music playing in the background as a light snow falls around us. His finger taps at the steering wheel as if he wants to talk but he doesn’t know what to say. I’m not helping things by staying silent.
I close my eyes when I see his mouth open, rolling my body so it’s against the cool window. I’m just going to pretend to be asleep. Maybe if I pretend to sleep he’ll get the hint.
Just like I got the hint that they didn’t want me.
I didn’t help Vaughn enough during his rut.
I didn’t kiss Griffin right when he had kissed me.
I didn’t make McKinley feel secure in his role as Beta.
I didn’t ease Apollo like a good Omega should.
All I did was create more problems for the pack.
I was a bad Omega.
There was something in my chest that was tight and sore. If I wasn’t pretending to be asleep I’d rub it and try to ease the ache. With my fake sleep going on, I wasn’t risking moving.
When I was moody growing up, Grammy made me sit in my room for the week. She took away all my sewing and things I enjoyed doing or could do to be useful. All I was left with was some food for me to eat and my own company.
It had been torture to be isolated and feel useless. When I was let out, Grammy would always talk about how behind she was or flex her fingers and say how sore they were from doing double the work. The punishment always felt twice as bad when I was reminded about how my bad mood had ruined so much else for everyone.
The memory is almost enough to pull me back and make me be a good girl.
Cheese and crackers.
Sometimes, I miss how easy life was before I knew I was an Omega. The simplicity of having my life mapped out for me in a community that needed me. When I presented as an Omega it changed everything.
We stopped moving, and I risked cracking my eye open to see what was going on after the door opened.
Gas station.
It didn’t seem like Apollo would be the type to forget to gas up before getting on the road, but I didn’t know them that well.
My body shivered and a wave of annoyance rolled through me. A pout secured itself on my face. The feelings of my bad mood digging their claws in.
I wanted to be in my nest.
The problem was I didn’t have a nest.
Back at the academy there had been a makeshift one that the girls had helped me with to help settle me. There was no place at the pack house that really felt like mine enough to make a nest.
How was I supposed to ask a pack that didn’t want me for space to nest?
A whine slipped through my lips making me sit up, touching my mouth. Where did that sound come from?
I want to go home.
I want to be back in my house with Grammy. A place that is familiar and at least feels like home.
The house wouldn’t be mine anymore because I wasn’t a Beta. Because I was wrong. I had presented wrong. I had been bad at what I had been raised to be. This was all wrong.
My scent stunk of sour lemons and it upset me more. Pulling my jacket tight around my neck. I zipped it all the way up before diving into the backseat, needing to go through my bag, and find something that could fix this.
Maybe I packed something to soothe me. Something soft or familiar. But all my bag had was a hoodie I had gotten from the academy and a pair of clothes for tomorrow.
I hadn’t thought to pack a blanket or a stuffed animal to cuddle with if I needed a little mood boost.
Stupid Omega.
I was failing at this too.
That terrible sound came from my mouth again and I dove behind the passenger seat. Scrunching myself up in the smallest ball that I could. Maybe if I just held myself then I would start to feel better about things?
The driver's side door opens and I hear Apollo curse before the door slams again. He opens the one close to me and I feel a cool breeze over my skin. A few snowflakes falling to touch me where I’m laying on the vehicle's floor.
“Clover?” He says my name so softly, like I’m made of glass.
As a Beta I had more respect.
People didn’t have to talk to me in a certain voice. They could just speak to me like I was a person.
They had gotten it wrong back home. Betas weren’t the end of the food chain, that was Omegas. Omegas are treated terribly by everyone. Either people want to force me to be in their pack or they don’t even want me in their pack. They throw out so many mixed signals and they even-
“I’m going to get in the back with you and pick you up. I don’t want you laying on the floor like this. It’s so scratchy and not good for you, okay? Do you mind if I hold you?” Apollo is using his kid glove voice and that sound comes out from me again.
“Leave me alone!”
Was that me yelling?
Something warm is wrapped around me that smells like that amber and tea scent again. My body relaxes into it, but then I realize they’re not my Alphas and I push it off.
“What do you need, Clover?”
What do I need?
My mind races and I sniffle, though there are no tears coming out, yet.
“Home. I want to have a home that I belong in. That I’m safe. That my underwear don’t go missing and I’m forced to wear new ones that go up my butt all the time.”
The underwear had been the strangest thing about living with the Alphas. McKinley had told me that he had washed all my clothes when I moved in. It was why I had to wear their mismatched outfits for a couple days. Then on Monday morning all my clothes had been in my room ready to wear…except my underwear which had been replaced by new ones with tags so I knew they were meant for me.
When I had Omega Studies on Tuesday, I had asked about why it would happen and she had talked about courting gifts. Which was even more confusing because we weren’t courting.
Nothing made sense!
“Little Omega, why don’t you let me hold you? You’re distressed and it’s making my Alpha go crazy wanting to fix it.”
“That’s just real tough honey and bears for you!” I snap, wrapping my arms tighter around myself, “Just drive to the game and I’ll stay here. I like being here.”
“No. You’re going to get up and buckle in if I’m driving.” The touch of Alpha command is in his voice. Something I did learn about and learned about how dangerous it was. Something I had experienced and had almost gotten me bonded because of how Alphas always tried to force things.
“If you touch me I’m calling your mother.” I hear the growl from him and peek out from the ball that I’ve rolled myself into.
The hair I had been admiring earlier is disheveled and there is something in his eyes that look a bit crazy. My scent comes out harder, the lemon so turned now my eyes water from the puckering sourness of it.
Apollo scents it too. His eyes narrow as I watch the muscles in his neck tighten and the way that his Adam's apple bobs, up and down as he tries to swallow down whatever is happening.
“Call my mother? You’re being a brat, Omega. Do you know what happens to brats?” My eyes widen and I feel the fear escalating and his face softening like he went too far, “Shit, no. Clover-”
“Call you mother. I want to go back! I don’t want to be here. You’re not safe! She lied . You lied. All Alphas lie .” I’m out of my ball now and pushed against the opposite door, my back to it as I think about how I need to run.
I’m not safe.
His hand dips into the pocket of his pants, pulling out his phone and holding it between us like it’s some sort of peace offering and not a lifeline.
The way his blue eyes look almost stormy gray as they shift to hit call before he looks around and realizes he’s still in a parking lot.
“I’m getting in the car and sitting down. I won’t come closer, okay?” I nod as he does what he says. Laying his jacket near me like he still thinks that I need it.
“Apollo? Is everything okay? I thought the boys had a game today-”
“I want to leave.” I find my voice to speak. I’ve learned that I’m supposed to be able to do that now. Even though I don’t really trust the Alphas.
There is silence for a second and that mistrust comes up again before there is a ringing sound and the call is switched to a video chat.
Instead of Martha on the screen it's Joy, the Omega of the pack. And she looks absolutely furious.
“Give her the phone and get the fuck out of the car. I’m not even there and it’s clear she’s upset at whatever shit you’ve done to her. I’ll deal with you later, Apollo.” He sets down the phone and gets out of the car, leaving me alone with his mama.
My hand grabs the phone as I look at her, how she softens when she smiles at me. She’s an Omega and she will understand things.
“I hate it here. They all hate me. I want to nest but there is nowhere safe to nest! We’re going to the hockey game and it’s going to be so cold there and it’s snowing a lot so I’m going to have to sleep in a different bed again. And I’m complaining. I shouldn’t complain. I’m so sorry-”
“You have every right to complain, Clover. Things have been changing for you so much. You’re just learning about what it means to be an Omega and every time you start to get settled somewhere, it’s taken away from you. I am so sorry that you couldn’t stay here with us. I would have loved to have you here.” My eyes prickle with tears.
It’s so nice to hear about someone wanting me around. It feels nice knowing that.
A tear comes out and I wipe it away without thinking.
“Clover, did they do something to hurt or upset you?” I nod my head and watch the way her rage comes across her face before she takes a breath to settle down, “What happened, sweet girl?”
“They stole all my underwear and now I only have thongs. Which is fine but I miss my sleep underwear. They were soft and…mine. Vaughn ignores me. He was nice to me on Monday night and let me share a sandwich and let me cry, but then I haven’t seen him since then. McKinley is nice, but it’s almost too much like he’s making up for everyone else? Apollo acts like I’m a chore for him to do. I’m the trash he has to take out. Griffin…he took my first kiss and-”
“I’m going to kill him.” A voice mutters off camera and I watch Joy smile at me, reassuring me like it’s okay.
She takes a breath and I can see her coming up with a plan for this all.
“I’m going to fly in. I know you’re getting some weather but I think if I spend the week with you it will help you settle. Martha is going to handle the Alphas but you and me, sweet girl, we’re going to get your Omega settled and happy. Okay?” I nod my head.
It feels so good to have someone on my side. The relief washing over me as I breathe a sigh of relief.
I feel cared for and settled now. I think that I just needed someone to hear me and understand what was going on.
“You don’t mind coming out? I’m not-”
“Do I mind coming to visit you and getting to spend time with my son's pack? Clover, we’re going to have the best time possible.” The way she smiles at me has me breathing normal again as I nod my head in confirmation. “Now why don’t you get in the seat and buckle up. Give the phone to Apollo and I’ll talk to him for a second, see you soon, sweet girl.”
I open the door, handing the phone to Apollo before getting in the passenger seat again. A second later the heat comes on and I relax into the seat as he finishes up he calls outside.
Maybe I’m not as alone as I thought.