Chapter Twenty-Seven
Sloane
It took a while to digest everything the doctor and major told me.
It must have been the morphine that had made me not even notice the bandages on my face and neck. My entire torso was wrapped, so I think I probably thought it was part of the hospital gown. But how the fuck I didn’t notice I was missing half my leg, I still wasn’t sure.
Then again, I had missed almost the last month of my life.
I’d wanted to see how bad the burns were—especially my face, but the doctor advised against looking in a mirror for a while.
“That bad?” I’d quipped. He didn’t return my smirk.
When I was alone, I felt my crotch to make sure my junk was still intact. I still had my dick, so there was that.
Then I saw the condition of the flesh on my body when the nurse changed the bandages, and the gravity of my situation took hold.
In addition to being fucking legless for the rest of my life, I was going to be disfigured.
“You’re lucky to be alive,” the pretty blonde nurse—the one who’d been in the room when I initially woke up, said softly with her German accent.
Was I?
I didn’t feel lucky. In fact, I would have gladly traded my life for Shawn’s.
Fucking twenty-six years old with his whole life ahead of him. Gone.
As I stared at the ceiling, bits and pieces of that day popped into my head.
I remembered when the RPG hit my vehicle, time had felt like it slowed, although I wasn’t able to recall what happened next. But I’ll never forget the searing pain and the smell of burnt flesh as I lay pinned under the twisted metal of the Humvee. The other thing that stood out in my mind was how I had repeatedly asked if my men were all right while a unit worked to extract me. The memory of the utter frustration at not being able to move and find out for myself when no one would give me a straight answer had been almost suffocating.
Lying in my hospital bed, I played the what could have I done differently game. I knew it wasn’t healthy, but I didn’t give a shit. One of my men died under my watch.
Maybe my scars and missing limb were poetic justice.
I hoped Callahan would be able to make good on giving O’Brien’s girl the engagement ring. How fucking sad the kid didn’t get a chance to give it to her himself.
My thoughts turned to Ashley, and the future we almost had.
Almost.
There was no way I was going to saddle her with half the man she’d fallen in love with. Besides, I didn’t deserve a happily ever after. Not when O’Brien wasn’t going to get his, and I shouldered that blame.
I heard Lina, my German nurse’s, voice.
“Captain Davidson?”
I didn’t look away from the ceiling when I responded, “Yeah?”
“Dr. Warneke just got off the phone with your friend, Ryan, and he’s on hold to speak to you.”
Glancing at where she stood in the doorway, I noticed she was holding a phone.
I didn’t want to talk to anyone, but I knew I owed that to my buddy. I’m sure he and everyone else back home had been worried sick.
My thoughts immediately went to Ashley.
I’m such a fucking asshole.
I should have broken things off before I shipped out. I knew what happened to me had been a real possibility, and yet I still kept her on the hook.
Hopefully she’d move on and never look back.
With my right hand, I reached for the phone, but she put my bedside tray in front of me, pulled out the phone’s kickstand, and set it down.
“You’re on speaker,” she said loudly, then in a quieter voice directed at me, said, “I’ll close the door behind me.”
“Sloane?”
“Hey, Ry.”
“Oh my god, buddy! It’s so good to hear your voice!”
I couldn’t muster my enthusiasm to match his, but I tried to sound happy to hear from him.
“Good to hear yours, too.”
“You gave us quite a scare.”
“Yeah, I’m sorry about that.”
“Don’t be sorry, dude. We’re just so damn glad you’re still with us.”
“How is everyone?”
“Better now that you’re out of your coma. Ashley is chomping at the bit to get on a plane to come see you. Me, too.”
My response was instant. “Absolutely not.”
Ryan was so quiet on his end, I thought the call had been disconnected until he said, “What do you mean, absolutely not?”
“I don’t want anyone to see me like this. Especially her.”
“She’s been a wreck ever since we found out, Sloane. If she’d had her way, she’d have been there the day after we were notified.”
“They wouldn’t have let her in to see me.”
“I know. That’s the only thing that kept her from getting on a plane. I would have come, but the doctors told me to wait until you regained consciousness.”
“I’m glad you stayed home. There’s nothing you could have done here.”
“Well, you’re awake now, so I can be there by the end of the weekend.”
“Why? I’m awake, but there’s still nothing you can do.”
“I can be your friend and be there for you.”
I didn’t deserve that.
“I appreciate that, but you’re already doing a lot for me by taking care of Tank.”
“Sloane, you need people there with you.”
“No, I don’t. Not yet. Please. I’m not ready to face anyone. Just give me some time. Maybe in a few days I’ll change my mind, but I’m not going to change my mind about Ashley.”
“Well, you need to call her and let her know that. I don’t think she’ll believe it coming from me.”
“I… I can’t, Ryan. Let her know I’m okay, but I don’t want her here. Tell her she needs to move on.”
“I’m not telling her that. You want to break up with her, you’re going to have to do it yourself.”
“Fine.”
We were both stubbornly quiet for a minute until my guilt got the better of me, and I said, “Dude, thanks for calling. And for giving a shit about me. I’m grateful for your friendship.”
“There’s a lot of people who give a shit about you and have been praying for you. I hope you know that.”
“I know. And I appreciate it. I just need some time to process what’s happened. You’ve had three weeks, I’ve had three hours.”
“I know it’s a lot. When you’re ready, you’ve got a whole team wanting and waiting to step up for you.”
“Thanks.”
But as I hung up the phone, I knew in my heart, I couldn’t let Ashley be one of those people. I wasn’t going to saddle her with a broken man. I loved her enough to let her go.