Chapter 10
CHAPTER TEN
ERIN
I wake up engulfed by his smell with his strong, heavy arms wrapped tight around me, and for a while, I just watch him sleep.
I imagine how different everything could have been, and it brings tears to my eyes that I can’t wipe away because I’m all tangled up in his arms, and I don’t want to wake him.
“Mornin’.” I hear his croaky voice even though his eyes are still closed.
“Morning.” I smile, trying to think of a time where I’ve felt this complete.
“What time is it?” he asks, keeping his eyes firmly shut.
“It’s almost six.” These past few weeks, Luke has been out on the yard by six am every morning. I’m really hoping that today he’s gonna make an exception.
“Shit, I gotta go.” He bolts up, almost knocking me out of bed, and when he looks down at his body and sees that he’s still completely naked, he grabs his shirt from the floor, covers his cock with it, and starts looking around desperately for something to put on.
“You don’t have to be shy, I’ve done more than see it,” I remind him, trying to make this whole situation a little less embarrassing.
“Yeah.” He pulls on some jeans and starts rubbing at his eyes. “We’re gonna have to talk about that.” He sounds regretful, which hurts because what happened last night was, without doubt, the most magical thing I’ve ever experienced.
“We can talk about it now if you want.” I get up out of his bed and straighten out the dress I wore to Matty’s funeral.
The same dress I fucked his brother in and slept in last night.
I should feel ashamed of myself, but I actually find it quite empowering.
Like, I took a little control of my life back.
“Erin, I got work to do, but we will. We’ll talk about it tonight,” he promises, throwing a T-shirt over his head and dashing out the room.
I stand staring at the bed we made love on, and although I can tell how bad Luke feels about what happened, I know I wasn’t imagining how good it was.
I’ve never had a man take me in that way before.
So soft, yet intense. The way Luke looked at me while he was inside me made me feel so precious.
I want to drag him back into this room and have him make me feel that way again.
But without explaining the truth to him, I can only imagine what he must think of me.
“Erin.” I hear Mary's voice call through the house, and when I see her standing in Luke’s doorframe, she looks surprised to find me here.
“What are you doing in here, dear?” She moves inside to wrap her arm around me.
“I…I was just seeing if Luke had any dirty laundry.” I pick up the slacks he wore yesterday and his shirt from the floor, and the scent of him makes my pussy throb
“You're wearing the same dress you wore yesterday. Have you even been to bed?” Mary starts fussing with my unruly hair, and I tuck what's fallen out of my ponytail behind my ears and smile at her awkwardly.
“My dear, you mustn’t let grief consume you; we’re all on this path together. Why don’t you take a shower, and we’ll head into town? I’m sure you could do with picking up a few things.”
“Sure.” I leave her standing in her son’s room and head to the bathroom, closing the door behind me and bursting into tears when I realize that what happened last night can’t ever happen again.
Luke is Matthew’s brother; his family would never forgive him. Mary and Bryce have already suffered the loss of one son; I can’t let them fall out with the one son they have left.
I saw the guilt on Luke’s face before he left. It’s clear that to him, what happened last night was a mistake. To me, it was reassurance and peace of mind that not all men are monsters. I guess, no matter what happens next, I’ll always be grateful to him for that.
I sit staring at the plate of food that's on the table, waiting for Luke. He’s already fifteen minutes later coming in than he usually is, and maybe I’m being paranoid, but I can’t help thinking he’s avoiding me.
The door opens after another ten minutes of waiting, and he smiles at me awkwardly as he hangs up his hat and heads to the basin to wash up.
“How was your day?” I ask, picking up the salad tongs and serving myself some.
“Busy,” he answers, drying off his hands before taking his seat opposite me. “Sorry if I kept you waitin’.” He looks up at the clock on the wall to avoid eye contact with me.
“It’s no bother, I was just hoping you weren’t avoiding me.” I pick up some chicken on my fork, but can’t bring myself to eat it. I suddenly feel too nervous.
“I wouldn’t do that.” He frowns. “I know I kinda freaked out this morning, but I was just…”He shakes his head while he tries to find the words.
“It… It should have felt wrong.” He drops his own knife and fork like he’s angry with himself.
“I shouldn’t have even come close to doin’ something like that with you, and yet, I couldn’t stop myself.
Even if I could have, I don’t think I would.
” I can see how hurt he is by his own confession, and I have to bite down the smile of relief that's threatening to show on my lips.
“I wouldn’t have wanted you to.” I let him know that he’s not the only one who’s wrong.
“See, you don’t mean that, Erin. You're grieving and you're confused, and I took advantage of that. I convinced myself that you needed it to make you feel better when, in reality, I?—”
“I did need it.” I cut him off. “But not to make me feel better.” I consider telling him the truth; it sure would make explaining all this easier, but I don’t want him to view Matthew differently. I know how much Luke looked up to his big brother.
“I’ve always liked you, Luke,” I make a confession of my own.
“You…you what?” He stares back at me as if the words I just said were in a foreign language.
“I’ve always liked you, right from the day you put that frog in Kelly Benson’s pencil case.” I pour myself another glass of wine when he offers me no response.
“But you…You married my brother. Why?” He scrubs his face.
Because I was led into a false sense of security. Because I’m a fool are all answers I could give him, but I don’t.
“Because you never asked me.” I smile back at him sadly. “You never noticed me, Luke. Hell, I tried enough times to try and make you, but?—”
“Are you fuckin’ kidding me? ” He laughs. “Erin, I’ve been crazy about you since the first day I saw you.” He looks stunned.
“Then why did you never say anything? Why did you never carry my books and ask me to the movies, like you did the other girls?” I question him.
“Because you’re…you’re you! Every guy in school had a thing for you; you could have had any one of ’em you wanted carrying your books and takin’ you to the movies.”
“If that's true, why did I end up going to senior prom alone?” I point out.
“I don’t know; maybe they were all too scared to ask. I know I was.”
“You know, that was the night I met your brother,” I tell him, remembering that charming smile he gave me when he pulled over to offer me a ride.
“I’d driven me and Liza to the prom myself. We weren’t gonna let the fact neither of us had dates ruin our night, and after I dropped her home, my car broke down.” I keep poking at the food on my plate with my fork, not really knowing why I’m getting into this.
“Matthew was the first car that came along; he stopped to check I was okay and offered me a ride.”
“Sounds like something Matty would do.” He smiles to himself proudly, having no idea how much that kind gesture shaped the next few years of my life.
“We started dating straight after.”
“I know how the story goes,” he tells me, looking all sad and guilty again.
“But the past doesn't matter; you're still my brother's wife, and what happened last night was?—”
“Don’t say it was wrong,” I beg him, knowing how much it will hurt.
“I know it’s not exactly right, but please don’t call it wrong.
” I stand up and move to his side of the table.
“I don’t want you to feel guilty, and I don’t want to cause any hurt for you and your family, but can we agree that what happened last night wasn’t a mistake?
” I look down when I realize that I’ve taken his hand and I’m squeezing the life out of it.
“You're my brother's wife, Erin.” He hisses the words through his teeth like he hates them.
“And Matty’s gone,” I whisper, wishing I could tell him the truth.
“Barely.” He quickly stands up and frees himself from my grip, putting distance between us and making my heart sink.
“How am I supposed to live with myself? What would folk think of me, and of you?” He tries to remind me of how insane all this is, but I don’t care.
I’ve had all day to think about what I want, and it’s him.
“I don’t want people talkin’ about you that way.
” He screws up his face like the thought hurts him.
“Nobody would have to know; not at first. We could explore this, see if it’s what we think it is.” I know how desperate I sound and that I run the risk of scaring him away, but I can’t help myself. I can’t go back to the way things were.
“I don’t need to explore nothin’, I know exactly what this is.
I’ve known ever since the day he brought ya home, and I hated him for it.
I’ve known since you came home with that big, shiny ring on your finger, looking like he’d given you the whole world; and I knew when I watched you walk up the aisle in that pretty white dress and vow to spend the rest of your life loving him.
” Luke shakes his head and scrubs his hand over his mouth like he’s about to lose his mind.
“The feelin’s I have for you are selfish and wrong.
I should be struck down for ’em.” He shocks me when he throws his fist at the beam and makes the ceiling shake.
“But you still have them?” I calmly step closer to him, hoping he won’t reject me.
“Course, I fuckin’ do.” He looks back at me like I’m crazy, and when I reach up on my toes to kiss him, he doesn't stop me; he closes his eyes and allows us to make another moment.
“Then why can’t we let it be?” I whisper gently against his lips.
“Because…” He pulls himself away, and I watch him swallow heavily.
“You’ll hurt me.” I can see how hard it is for him to admit.
“I know you wouldn’t do it intentionally, but you will, and if hurt turns into hate—” He cuts himself off and shakes his head.
“I never wanna hate you, Erin,” he whispers, and I hear the fear in it.
“I would never hurt you.” I take his hand in mine again to assure him.
“Darlin’, you’ve been hurtin’ me for fifteen years. I found a way to manage it, but this...” He points his finger between us. “This is something different. I can’t be the person to help you get over him. I can’t be his replacement.”
“Have you not listened to a single thing I’ve said?” I feel myself getting frustrated, even though I’ve caused all this myself.
“Yeah, but none of that changes the fact that you married my brother. You loved him, you lay with him. You planned a whole future with him, and he was the one supposed to make you happy.”
“Is that what you think?” I feel my anger brewing to the surface. A year of frustration, ready to come out and ruin everything Luke holds dear about his brother.
“Erin, it’s what I know. I saw the way you looked at him. Matthew was everything to you.”
“Matthew was a bully.” The words spill from my mouth as I rapidly start unbuttoning my shirt, and after ripping it off my shoulders, I turn around to show him just how bad of a bully his brother was.
“What the fuck is that?” He steps up behind and takes hold of my shoulders, and I close my eyes as he examines the massacre on my back.
“That's a year of happy marriage,” I tell him sarcastically, and when he spins me around so I’m facing him, I see nothing but pure rage staring back at me.
“Are you telling me Matty did that to you?”
“He knew how scared I was of the belt, so it became his favorite punishment,” I explain, watching him try and take in what I’m telling him and feeling awful for being the cause of his pain.
“Punishment for what?” He steps back from me like he suddenly became afraid to touch me.
“Whatever fault in me he could find. Dinner being late, me taking too long in the bathroom. Your brother wasn’t the person you thought he was. And I don’t know what look you thought you were seeing on my face this past year, but the only feeling I had for that man was fear.”
“It can’t be true. Matty adored you. You…you dated him for three years before you married him.”
“And for those three years, things were good. I opened up to him about things I’ve never told anyone, and I thought he understood me, but as soon as we got married, everything changed.
It’s like, overnight, I became his property.
I saw the real Matthew and Luke, it got real ugly.
” I hear the tremble in my own voice and feel that sense of fear creeping up my spine.
Like he’s breathing down my neck, hearing my words.
“How did I not know?” He looks mad at himself.
“No one knew. I was the only one who got to see him that way. Matty was good at hiding things, and I quickly got good at it too.”
Luke bites down on his fist as he thinks over everything I just told him.
“I need to get outta here.” He suddenly turns pale and starts backing up toward the door.
“Please, don’t leave. I want us to talk some more,” I beg him.
“I…I can’t hear it. I’m sorry, Erin, but I just can’t.” He turns his back and rushes outside, and I sink into the chair, wishing I’d kept my damn mouth shut.