7
ADAM
Body jerking, I shot upright and promptly landed on my ass next to the couch. It took me a full second to fully comprehend that I was sitting on the floor in my living room and not standing in the middle of a burning house.
"Shit."
Staggering to my feet, I speared my fingers through my damp hair. The nightmares that chased me from my bed every night seemed to have followed me to my couch, hellbent on reminding me that I didn't deserve the rest my soul craved.
My body creaked and groaned as I first rolled my shoulders and then my neck. Each day, I purposefully worked myself beyond the point of exhaustion, hoping for one night of peace.
Unfortunately, it seemed like the harder I worked the more determined the memories were to haunt me. I felt the walls close in, the feeling of a hand wrapping around my throat and cutting off my air supply.
Sucking air to my lungs almost impossible.
I was drenched in sweat and yet my body shuddered. Floundering my way to the kitchen, I latched onto the whiskey the instant I was able to .
The bottle was halfway to my mouth when I realized it was too early in the morning for me to attempt to numb the pain. To drown out the voices. Discarding my medicine of choice, I ventured through the glass door in search of a reprieve.
What I found was my neighbor.
Hand splayed over my chest, I desperately tried to keep my heart from escaping its confines.
I walked to the edge of the property and shamelessly observed her.
She was doing the same routine she'd been doing for the past four days.
And just as it had done every one of those times, watching her inexplicably calmed me.
It settled the beast inside of me. The one that threatened to undo the tiny bit of progress I'd made in the last few months.
My heart slowed its wild gallop, my breathing evened out. I couldn't explain why her dancing had this effect on me. I just knew that for the first time in years, I experienced a sense of peace I thought I'd never feel again.
I wasn't about to question it. Not when I knew it could be gone in the blink of an eye.
Disappointment rushed through my veins when she ended her routine and started heading up to her house, Fugly trotting behind her as usual. Normally this was the point where I spun on my heels and rushed inside before she saw me and attempted to strike up a conversation or something.
Today, though, I didn't want to move. I wanted to keep standing in that spot, wanted to hold on to that light feeling for as long as I possibly could. Until one of the voices slipped through the cracks and cruelly reminded me of the monster I was.
My fingers trembled when I brought them up to touch the ugly, smooth skin. I snatched them away just as fast before pivoting and storming into the safety of my house. Turning to shut the glass door, I spotted her sauntering over her lawn with that mutt hugged to her chest again.
The smile on her face rivaled the sun in not only its brightness but its beauty too.
A string of curses spilled from my lips. I didn't want to notice these things about her. I didn't want my rare sense of tranquility to come from her .
The loud angry thoughts inside my head were interrupted when my phone shrieked to life from somewhere. I should've stepped back. Should've gone looking for my phone. Instead, I stood rooted to the spot, trekking my upsettingly gorgeous neighbor until she slipped from my view.
I stood there staring at nothingness for a few more seconds before I finally went in search of the now-silent device.
I found it on my nightstand and immediately thumbed the screen to life. Another one of those heavy sighs I felt to the bottom of my soul blew over my lips as my sister's name stared back at me.
If it had been anyone else's name, I wouldn't even have considered returning the call. It was no secret that I didn't like dealing with people or that I had a lot of relationships to fix in my life. Even though I was pretty damn shit at it, I still wanted to rebuild the bridges I'd burned down.
It was just a little harder to do with Zoe.
I'd only recently found out that my little sister had had her own demons to fight. A lot of them actually. But because I was so busy wallowing in self-pity and pushing everyone away, she'd thought it best to take on the battle by herself.
Of course, she didn't hold it against me, but it didn't make me feel any less bad. I sucked in a few breaths and quickly hit the redial button before I could change my mind.
Zoe answered on the second ring.
"Adam. Hi. I… uhm… wasn't expecting you to call back." The surprise in her voice felt a lot like a punch to the gut.
"Sorry I missed your call." The words came out strangled; I had to clear my throat before I could continue. "I was outside."
"Oh no, you don't have to apologize," she said quickly. "Going by past experience, I figured I'd get your voicemail. In fact, I was kind of bargaining on it."
"You were?"
I heard her take a shaky breath. "Sometimes it's easier saying things to a machine." Zoe's quiet confession felt like another jab, this one hitting me right in the center of my chest. Or maybe a little to the left.
Thing was, I understood what she meant. It was my fault things were this way. I hated what I'd done to my family. How I'd turned them into such careful versions of themselves around me.
I wanted to apologize.
To make my wrongs right.
That wasn't what came out of my mouth, though. "Do you want me to hang up so you can leave a message?"
The soft laugh that filtered through the line felt like a gentle caress to my tattered soul. "That seems kind of silly since I have you on the line now."
"I guess."
The answering silence lasted so long, I pulled the phone from my ear to check if the lines were still connected.
Just as I opened my mouth to speak, Zoe's voice sounded again.
"Please don't feel obligated to say yes, but I…
I mean we were wondering if it would be all right with you if we come down for a visit?
It won't be until school's out in a few weeks, though. "
She had spoken so fast, it took my brain a few seconds to decipher what she'd said. When it did, nervous tension pulled my back straight before licking its way down my spine. "Who's we?" I asked wearily.
Another shaky breath sounded at the other end. "Just me, Eli, and Molly."
They were her husband and stepdaughter. I'd only met them once. It was about eight months before I moved to Clearwater Bay. From the little I could remember, the guy seemed decent enough, and I'd tried to avoid the little girl as much as I could .
Kids asked too many questions and stared without shame.
"It's totally okay if you're not ready, Adam," my sister said, her voice soft and full of understanding I hadn't earned. "I just thought it would be nice to show Molly the ocean while she's on her break and…" She paused for a long second. "I kind of miss hanging out with my brother."
Ah shit . How the hell could I say no to that?
I couldn't. Not if I wanted to get back some of what I lost. But having them here in my space would mean I had nowhere to hide.
I closed my eyes and dropped my chin to my chest. With a tight pinch to the bridge of my nose, I forced the words out through gritted teeth. "A visit sounds great."
The excited squeal, a few decibels too loud for my ears, should have eased some of the tension in my already tightly wound body. It did the opposite. Zoe was absolutely thrilled while I was scared shitless that I would only disappoint her.
We said our goodbyes after she promised to sort out all the details closer to the date. I was still staring at the damn phone nestled in my palm long after our conversation, an uneasy sense of foreboding slowly but surely working its way to the surface.
A feeling that still had my mind reeling hours after speaking to my sister.
Swiping the back of my hand over my forehead, I wiped the sweat from my brow. With a deep groan, I straightened my back and almost sighed with relief when my spine let out a satisfactory crunch.
I'd been hunched over my workbench, sawing and sanding the yellow pine, for the better part of the day trying like hell not to give in and beg my sister and her family not to come.
A year ago, that's exactly what I would have done.
Although to be honest, a year ago I wouldn't even have answered my phone.
Somewhere between choking on sawdust and sweating my balls off, I realized that building bridges wasn't meant to be easy.
I was one lucky son of a bitch to still have the love and support of my family, and if keeping it meant I had to sit through uncomfortable visits and endless questions about my scars, then that's what I had to do.
Lifting my cap, I dragged my hand through my hair when a blur of gray caught my eye. Before I had time to utter the curse that lay on the tip of my tongue, Fugly was sitting beside my feet; tail furiously smacking against the ground.
"What the hell?" The dog, who clearly did not understand human, let out an ear-splitting excited yelp and shockingly thumped his tail even faster. Making a shoo motion with my hand, I groaned, "Go home."
The damn dog only seemed more determined to get on every single one of my last nerves. After another yelp, he jumped onto his hind legs and started pawing the air. Just like he had done last time. "No!" I admonished. "Go away. "
To my horror, he hobbled closer and scratched my legs. I took a step back and he immediately followed. Flicking my wrist, I noted that it was still a few more hours before a normal nine to five workday would be done.
Maybe my neighbor didn't keep normal hours.
Shaking my head, I bent down scooped the mutt up, and held it to my side. Glowering at Fugly, I muttered, "Bad dog." That he seemed to understand. Flattening his ears, he let out a little whine that almost had me feeling bad for him.
Dog tucked under my arm, I hopped over the fence and marched to the glass door that looked a lot like my own.
The door wasn't completely shut, so I poked my head in.
"Hello?" The first thing my eyes landed on was a crate sitting in the corner of the wide space.
Slowly my gaze traveled; taking in the small dinette, the slate gray L-shaped sectional and everything else in between.
There was an unmistakable home-y feeling about it all. A sliver of the feeling I felt when I watched her in the mornings made itself known. It wasn't enough to calm the madness inside me but it made me crave more. I tried to push it away as I scanned over the framed pictures lining the walls.
Every cell in my body vibrated with the need to step inside and study them.
To study her.
Annoyed, I set the dog down and spun around so fast I almost tripped over my own feet before I stomped back to the fence. Not giving two shits who heard me, I cursed a blue streak from here until Sunday.
I didn't even know why I was so damn pissed off. And that just made me even more furious. Planting one hand on the fence, I hoisted myself over in one quick motion and headed back to my workbench.
My fingers had just curled around a piece of wood when another curse fell from my lips. Sitting next to my foot was my neighbor's dog in all his ugly glory.