29
ADAM
Ugly.
Hideous.
Monster.
Taking in the sight in the mirror, I swallowed hard. How would Maddie react if she saw the gnarly rifts marring my skin? If she knew what had happened to cause me to look like this?
My fingers trembled as I brought them to the raised smoothed skin that spread like an intricate spider web. Covering half of my left pec, sinewy veins bleeding over my ribs and hugging my side.
A frustrated growl tore from my lungs as I dropped my hand and balled it into a tight fist at my side. I bowed my head and swore. I didn't want to be like this, and yet I had no clue how to be different.
Dragging in a ragged breath through my nose, I screwed my eyes shut. Almost immediately, Maddie's face appeared behind my closed lids. Big, beautiful eyes and a smile so bright it could light up the darkest crevices of my tattered soul.
Somewhere between the arguments about Sheldon and the dinners, she'd crawled under my skin and burrowed her way straight into my heart. And if anything, she deserved my truth.
Thing was, I didn't even know what exactly that was anymore.
Opening my eyes, I turned away from the mirror and grabbed my phone from my nightstand. Ass perched on the edge of the bed, I scrolled through the numbers until I found what I was looking for.
I stabbed the green button and pressed the phone against my ear on a deep exhalation. The sound of my heart whooshing in my ears almost deafening. But I had to do this. I had to know the one thing I'd been too afraid to ask.
"I'm beginning to think you've got an alien probe stuck in your arse.
" If my nerves hadn't been as frayed as they were, I might've laughed at Griffin's greeting.
Clearly, he could sense some of my emotional state because when he spoke again the playfulness had disappeared from his tone. "You all right, man?"
I dragged a palm through my hair before sliding it down the back of my head to grip my neck. "I don't know. Can you talk?"
"Aye, give me two secs." Almost immediately I heard muffled voices, one of them female. I felt a little guilty for intruding on his time with his girlfriend. That, of course, had me thinking about Maddie and the way we were interrupted earlier that morning.
Shit, I'd wanted to taste and devour every little inch of her. Still did. Right after I gave her a piece of me I hadn't given to a single person before.
"I'm here." Griffin's voice filtered through the line again. "What's on your mind?"
My right leg started to hop nervously. If I hadn't known any better, I would've sworn a million ants were crawling all over my skin. I needed to move. Jumping up, I started pacing in front of my bed.
"Adam? You still there?"
"I'm here," I croaked. "I…I need to know about the day of the fire."
There was a long pause of silence. Too long. "Shite. Are you sure you want to do this now? It's been years and—"
"Griff," I interrupted, too desperate to know. "Please?"
More silence followed, and I wanted to bang my fist into the nearest wall. But I knew my friend and he was carefully weighing his options, most likely wondering if I'd finally gone stark raving mad.
"What do you want to know?" he finally asked, his tone measured and calm.
This was it. I sucked in a breath through my nose.
Held it for three seconds. Then slowly released it through my lips.
"Would I have been able to get to her?" The words choked me on the way out.
And now I'd voiced the one question that'd been haunting me over three years, I was deathly afraid of the answer.
Even more when a loaded sigh filtered through the line. It gave me pause. My stomach rolled violently, I felt sick. The self-loathing that Maddie had managed to chase away came crashing over me with a force so strong, my knees gave out and my ass connected with the floor.
"No. I tried to tell you, Adam, but you were so far gone. So busy hating yourself." He swallowed so hard, I heard it on my end. "Even if the beam hadn't immobilized you, you would have been too late."
I swiped a rough trembling hand over my face, pausing over my mouth. "But I still failed her." The words came out muffled. "I shouldn't have left in the first place."
"Adam, you can't think like that. You had a fight and you went to the bar to cool off. How the hell were you supposed to know there was a gas leak?" Griffin asked sincerely. "Sometimes bad things happen and we're helpless to stop them. It's messed up and cruel. But it's life."
My heart was slamming against my ribs something fierce. "I told her I wanted a divorce before I stormed out." Shame laced every single word I muttered.
"I'm sorry. But I know Angie knew you didn't mean it." He was quiet for a few moments. "Adam, I understand I could never fathom the pain you were faced with, and I say this with all the respect in the world, but you have to let go."
Every ragged breath I took felt like pulling in fire to my lungs. The back of my eyes stung. My jaw was clenched so tight, I felt the sting of pain in my ears.
Unaware of the battle I was facing, Griffin continued, "It's not right that it happened. And I don't wish this on me worst enemy, but you must know, your life isn't over. And yes, you have lost a lot, yet you haven't lost everything."
His words echoed in my brain. So loud, I wanted to slap my hands over my ears to make it stop. He was right, I knew he was and that only managed to add more guilt to the heavy load on my shoulders.
"I blamed you," I rasped in a whisper.
"Aye," Griffin said on a slow exhale. "We do and say a lot of things in anger we don't mean to do."
"I'm sorry." The first apology of many I had to offer.
I was a bit stunned when Griffin chuckled on the other end. "There's nothing to apologize for. Not once did I hold it against you."
"But you left Sault Point without even saying goodbye to Mom and Dad."
"Aye, that I did." There was the smallest hint of embarrassment in his tone. "It was never about what you or anyone said or did. I had me own guilt to deal with. And me own mourning to do."
I leaned back against the bed and pulled my legs up, draping my free arm over the top of my knee. "I've been a pretty shitty friend, haven't I? It's three years too damn late, but I am sorry for the things I said to you."
"Already forgotten." The last part of his response tapered off before I heard a muffled female voice followed by Griffin's chuckle and then something that sounded like a smacking kiss.
It didn't really surprise me that Maddie's face popped into my mind. What did surprise me was how desperately I needed to tell her about everything. Give her all my truth and pray like hell that she wouldn't walk away.
Because Griffin was right. I hadn't lost everything. In fact, I found something. Something so beautiful and precious. So unique. I'd do anything in my power to keep her. And her ugly rat.
"Sorry." Griffin's voice broke through my thoughts. "I haven't seen Rae in three days." He didn't explain and, honestly, he didn't need to. Maddie wasn't even mine and still, the days where I never got to see her or spend time with her were the longest.
"Go be with your woman," I told him. "We'll talk again."
There was a beat of silence and then, "I'm glad you called, Adam."
"Me too."
I wasn't entirely sure how it was possible, but I felt ten times lighter when I hung up. For years, the thought that my last words to Angie had not been the ones she needed to hear had slowly picked away at me. The guilt of not getting to her in time to drag her out of the fire, had consumed me.
I breathed easier knowing a flicker of light had now been cast over the darkness that'd haunted me for so long. I wasn't foolish enough not to realize the road to becoming the man I had been was suddenly going to be an easy one.
However, for the first time in a really long time, I was hopeful .
Even more so when I heard car doors slamming shut. A smile spread across my face. Maddie's visit was probably over which meant I finally got to see her. The few hours that'd passed since I'd had my hands and mouth on her had been a few hours too long.
Pushing to my feet, I snatched a t-shirt from my closet before bounding down the stairs and rushing to the door. I barely had time to pull the cotton over my head when the first knock sounded.
Something about it sounded different but I didn't give it too much thought.
Hand on the handle, I took a steadying breath to calm my racing heart before pulling the door open.
The calming breath I'd taken mere seconds before didn't do shit when it wasn't Maddie standing on my doorstep but rather my sister.
My very pregnant sister.
"Surpriiiise." Her palms were facing the sky and an uncomfortable smile played on her lips.
Words. I needed words if only they'd come. Seeing my sister—in the flesh—after all this time was somewhat unnerving. Not necessarily in a bad way. She just looked so different. So grown up. I hardly recognized her.
"I hope it's okay we're here?" She spoke so carefully, my heart twisted. I had made her like this around me. It was the walls around my heart that'd pushed everyone away and now I needed to lower them.
If only I knew how.
Movement in the street caught my attention.
I flicked my gaze over my sister's head and it landed on the SUV parked curbside.
Her husband and stepdaughter—she'd kill me if I used that term in front of her because for all intent and purposes the little girl whose name I couldn't remember was hers—were leaned back against it.
Probably waiting to see if the monster would bite.
My focus shifted back to Zoe. "I was expecting you in two weeks." She winced, her face falling a moment later. I swore under my breath. Dealing with people face-to-face, even if they were family, was so unfamiliar to me.
Unless it was Maddie.
Everything with her was easy.