Chapter 12
F riday rolled around soon enough, but all week I’d been stewing in my own compote of misery. I needed to say goodbye to this crush. Except it wasn’t a crush, and I knew it. My feelings for him ran bone-deep. I’d hidden it so well for so long, why was it starting to eat away at me now?
Deep down I knew the answer, time was slipping away. I’d be thirty before I knew it. That meant nothing in the grand scheme of things, but he was never going to see me in that way. Not in the way I longed for.
This wasn’t a Gunner and Coralie situation where he was just biding his time, waiting in the wings, so to speak. This was a— nothing holding him back, I’d been here the whole time— situation that would never grow into anything more than a strongly bonded childhood friendship.
I sighed and flipped the sign; glad it was Friday. Now that the bakery was closed, I needed to prep my ass off. If Wren and I were going to go out for drinks tonight, I was going to regret it in the morning if I had a ton of work to do.
I couldn’t compete with the weekend brunch locations, and that was just fine with me. Thirty people could fit comfortably in the shop and that gave it a nice vibe. Weekend breakfasts were meant to be savored and not rushed, so it was strictly first come first serve unless a McCall or a Madden were planning on visiting.
Seb, the pastry chef I hired to work on the weekends, would be in at the crack of dawn for me, but honestly, it was like I heard his key in the lock.
This weekend I had nothing pressing, meaning just this once I could set my alarm for seven-thirty, or maybe even eight. That was why I was glad I’d said yes to going out with Wren earlier in the week.
I dried and straightened my hair—I loved that it was layered and always had volume—and dressed in a sweater dress over knee-high boots before I made my way over to Scott’s apartment.
It was freezing and the jacket I’d worn did absolutely nothing to keep the chill away. But only short walks were on the agenda tonight, as the subway station was not far, and the bar was located about a hundred feet from where we would exit.
Less than ten minutes later I was turning the key in the lock and letting myself into Scott’s place. Upon my arrival, Wren jumped into action and sprinted for the bathroom.
“Two secs,” she cried. We weren’t in any rush but with the speed at which she’d left, I wondered how ready she actually was.
I laughed out loud as I took in Scott’s apartment. If you ever wanted a visual representation of what it would be like when two completely different people with completely different personalities lived together, this would be a perfect example.
Neat, practical, and masculine meets messy, chaotic, and girly.
My smile was still in place when she returned.
She was an absolute knockout. Her outfit and makeup told me she meant business, and if Knox ignored her tonight I’d have to admit he had balls of steel. Only, I knew Wren’s were bigger.
Before long we were making our way to the subway station. It seemed even colder now, and we bundled together as we walked.
I told her how inspiration had hit me this afternoon and that I’d started to play around with my heavy Crème Patissière. I’d perfected the recipe while studying in France. It was totally standard, and I could make it with my eyes closed, but I was working on a dairy alternative with hints of lavender, and I’d nearly cracked it.
The bouncer held open the door for us when we got to Full Moon, and when he smiled it was toothy and goofy. It was weird how the man could go from golden retriever to menacing in the blink of an eye.
“You come here much?” Wren asked as I walked her through the masses. It was packed in here tonight but that was the usual for this place.
“Not loads,” I threw over my shoulder, “but definitely enough for him to recognize me. If I do come, though, it’s with Scott.”
“Crazy how you two are so close, huh? After all this time you’re still thick as thieves.”
I braced. I had no idea what she was going to say. Had she seen straight through me since she’d been back? Out of everyone, including his brothers, she would have seen us the most. Could she tell I was pining for my best friend? Could she tell I was hopelessly in lust with him?
She backtracked pretty quickly though, “I mean, it’s incredible the way you two still look out for one another. How you’ve remained best friends all these years.”
Deflecting was the best thing in this scenario. There were only a couple of people who knew about my true feelings for him, and they lived on a different continent, so it had felt safe to confide in them, but part of me just wanted to get it out in the open.
Not the rational side of me, of course. The side that knew I could never lose him like that. Lose him because of something I had done.
But that love-struck side, the side that wanted me to love him out loud, well it wanted me to be free.
To say once and for all, yeah, I want us to be more.
I. Want. Him.
He’s mine!
I didn’t of course. What would be the point? But Wren looked at me funny and I realized I hadn’t said anything.
“Yeah, I mean, we have our own lives outside of our friendship. I like to, um, well I do stuff that’s separate,” I stuttered. What the hell? “Like just so much stuff. But yes, twenty-three years and still very much friends.” She shook her head and moved us closer to the bar.
“The best of friends!” she exclaimed. And holy shit I was losing it. I was going to blab to her eventually, I just knew it.
But I smiled and Knox came into view, saving me from whatever the hell I was doing to myself.
“Exactly. Oop. Don’t look now, but Knox is heading right this way.”
“Holy shit, Jenna. I’m not even going to get a drink in me before I’m confronted by him again.”
“We should have done shots before we left. I see our error now.”
I had a bottle of Jose Cuervo Scott and I indulged in every so often, but lately it had just been collecting dust in the back of the cabinet. Next time I’d bring it over.
Knox was caught up with some fans, so Wren surreptitiously maneuvered us out of his trajectory, buying herself a little more time.
I leaned in closer, wanting to make sure we were on the same page.
“So, the plan is, you take him off to unload six years of angst, and I find Jason to keep me company until you return?”
She nodded. Fidgeted. She was a mess, and I didn’t blame her. I wanted love to win out against all the odds on this one. I wanted Knox to hear her out. I wanted her to be free of whatever secret she was keeping. It was weighing her down, much like mine, but it also seemed like a lot to resolve in one night.
“What are you going to say?” I asked. “I mean, I know what you’re gonna tell him, but how will you start up a conversation like that?”
She pulled a face. “Honestly, I have no idea. Let’s . . . let’s just focus on getting him alone for five minutes. That’s our biggest challenge here.”
“Oh, Wren.” My arms wrapped around her tightly and she sighed into my shoulder.
We were eventually served as Wren jumped right at the bartender, urging me to do the same. I shouted for two gin and tonics since she’d gone ahead and ordered two. Wren pretty much drained the first one, taking me by surprise until something caught me off guard even more so.
“Hey, Jenn, what are you doin’ here without your bodyguard?”
Knox spun me from the bar and enveloped me in an enormous hug, suffocating me against his chest like he always did. He didn’t give out many, but he always had a hug for me.
I loved it.
“Scott isn’t my bodyguard.” I rolled my eyes and detangled myself from him. Same old Knox. He could be such a little punk sometimes.
“Can we talk?” Wren said as I held my breath.
Come on, Knox. Don’t do this to yourself. Talk to the girl! I pled inwardly.
What happened next had me bracing for impact. He completely ignored Wren and with one slow turn, he set his cold, hard stare on me.
I didn’t like it. Not one bit. He’d gone from warm and lovely, to rigid and cold. All his shine had dissipated, and I felt sadness wash over me as his eyes roved over my face.
He nodded curtly, turned, and left, making contact with my shoulder as he did. It was enough to have me swaying, but not enough to cause me to fall.
He thought I didn’t have his back.
This wasn’t good. I wasn’t taking sides. I didn’t want to see him hurt any more than I wanted to see Wren hurt.
I let out an awkward whistle and shook my head. “Well, doesn’t his shit list just get longer by the day.” And then I shivered because the cold shoulder he’d just given me had left only icy fractals in its wake.
“I’m so sorry for causing all this collateral damage,” Wren practically sobbed, “all I want is for him to hear me out. Wouldn’t he feel better if he knew the truth?”
I passed my friend a couple of napkins from the dispenser next to our drinks on top of the bar and sighed, “Yeah, Wren, it would be better for him to know the truth, but he’s so stubborn and obviously still cut up about it. I think he needs to brood a little more and then I’m sure he’ll come around. He can’t ignore everyone in his life forever.”
She just looked so lost.
“Shall we go find baby Madden?” I asked because seeing Jason’s dimples would cheer anybody up.
“Can we just get drinks somewhere else?” she begged, and I sighed again.
“Okay, honey. Let’s finish these and get out of here.”
I threw the drink in my hand back. The ice hit my front teeth and I winced, but we needed to get out of here as quickly as possible.