Chapter 1
Chapter One
Anna
R eaching up, I grab my bag out of the overhead bin and wait in the aisle of the plane, making sure I have all my stuff with me, and everything is zipped up tight. Taking a fortifying breath, I repeat my mantra:
I’m ready.
I’m strong enough.
It’s time.
My friends agree, Lexie’s parents agree, and my counsellor agrees. Catching the inside of my lip with my teeth, I will the doubt away.
I CAN do this.
Looking back down at my bag, I play with the scarf attached to the handle.
“Excuse me, miss…” Disembarking had begun, and I was holding up the passengers behind me.
Mentally shaking my head, I smile at the older woman and start the walk to the door, thanking the crew as I step out into the brightness of the day and a veil of unrelenting heat.
Descending the steps, I pluck my sunglasses out of the side pocket of my bag and then walk to the transfer bus. Holding onto the cool silver rail, I go through my list again. Customs, baggage claim, taxi rank.
These are things I’ve done a hundred times before. Easy things, simple, common-sense things, but this time is different. Every other trip, I knew that at the end, no matter how long I was gone, I would be returning home to them.
Today, that isn’t the case, and all I’m bringing with me are the precious photos I have on my phone and the memories that play like nostalgic movie clips on a loop through my mind.
That, and two suitcases.
It’s a fresh start. The familiar swirl of anxiety flares up in my belly and I catch myself just before my lip ends up as my personal chew toy once again, pulling my lip balm out to use instead.
Deep breaths, I have to remind myself. I can do this.
Customs takes forever. My visa not only allows me to stay in the country for at least a year but also to search for employment and earn a wage. I’ve got insurance money—a lot of it—but the majority will be tied up, keeping the house going in England until I can decide what to do with it.
I’ve paid off what was left of the mortgage, sorted through all their belongings, and boxed up their treasures. It’s a shell of a home now, but it was theirs, ours, and I can’t give it up just yet.
Once I finally clear customs, I collect my charcoal grey suitcases and head for the exit, thanking God for 4-wheel luggage. Ignoring the people offering ‘to take me into the big apple,’ I head straight to the taxi stand and seek out the uniformed porters who are designating the cabs for help instead.
The taxi line attendant asks where I’m going and I show him the address on my phone, then he shouts it to the driver next in line. The boot or maybe I should start saying trunk now, pops open and he assists me in loading all my stuff in.
With it all safely stowed away, he kindly opens the door for me, and after slipping him a tip, I climb into the car, and we pull away from the pavement with a forceful tap to the roof of the car.
Another deep breath, in and out.
Lexie, my best friend has lived here for over seven years. Top of the class in everything you can imagine, she decided to become a lawyer, took studying and preparation to a whole new level, smashed the LSAT as an international student, and then blazed her way through law school.
It’s all more familiar than I thought it would be having been here before, lucky enough to have had the opportunity to travel and visit Lex many times over the years up until the last.
A year that had been the trial of my life.
Months of devastation, heartbreak, and loss.
Weeks of staying in bed for days on end and ignoring my friends on the phone or at the front door. I’d been in denial after the funerals, moving back into the house and constantly going to the police station, repeatedly asking the officers on the case to let me read the reports and speak to those who attended the scene.
In the end, they told me that the case notes had been sealed and I wouldn’t be able to look at them again. That probably wasn’t the truth, but I don’t think they knew what else to do for me.
Utter rage followed.
An anger so deep I would pass out after running for miles or kicking the shit out of the shed in the garden trying to expel it.
Next came the begging and pleading. To God. To the universe. To whoever could hear me. Asking for a time machine, for a trade in lives, for it to not be real. Eventually, I slipped into a depression so sad I was ready to join them.
Then, one morning, I woke up to find a feather had blown through my open window and settled on the carpet. It was perfectly white, long, and full, and I stared at it until I realized I’d been sitting on my bedroom floor for what must have been over an hour. In that moment, a sense of peace washed over me. I found the strength to shower, actually get dressed, walk out of the front door and straight into the bereavement counselling services that had been recommended to me by the police.
From there it was a slow five months of trying to figure out how to carry on. Five months of every one of my friends standing by my side. Taking turns to sleep over and encouraging me to get out of the house.
Entire conversations filled with crying or laughing, or just a string of ridiculous GIFs in our group chat. Lex’s parents bringing me food and doing jobs around the house. Poor Jim, Lex’s dad, fixing up the shed, time and time again.
My job… Well, that was a thing of the past. The marketing agency I worked for let me go with a long-term sickness package and it was one less thing to worry about.
Now, here I am, ready to take on the days ahead of me, both good and bad.
As my phone is in my hand, I send Lex a quick message.
Me: Made it into a taxi. I’ll be there soon.
L Woods: Can’t wait. See you in about an hour.
She’s still in my phone under that name from all those years ago. ‘Legally Blonde’ did a number on us, especially after she decided to get into law, as did ‘Clueless’ and ‘Bring It On’. In fact, I bet she’s got them cued up and ready for whenever we want to watch them.
As I tuck my phone back into the zip compartment inside my bag, the opening bars of ‘Every Day is a Winding Road’ play quietly through the speakers. I ask the driver to turn up the volume—the song an old friend. I lean my head back on the seat, watching as the city—my new city—comes into view.
Before I know it, the cab pulls to an abrupt stop, making me look up. There she stands—big, brown eyes, misty with unshed tears, trying to be brave for me. Knowing my only stipulation when coming here was that she wasn’t to treat me like I was made of glass, she’s honoring our agreement.
No longer the fragile, shell of a person I had been in the months before, a wide smile takes over my face at the sight of her.
As I open the door, she’s moving around to the driver’s side to pay the fare and asking him for help unloading my bags.
“Hey, don’t do that. I’ve got it!” I tell her, but she dismisses me, and the man quickly takes the money.
“Please, we’ll be here all day with you looking through all your secret compartments to get to the cash. Are you wearing your money belt today?”
My eyes widen and so does the smile on my face. “That was one time, and Dad brought it for me.”
She throws her arms around me in a bone-crushing hug. It’s so tight I can barely breathe, but still, I let myself sink into her arms because this is why I’m here: To be with Lex. To start living again.
“Hi, pix. I missed you so much.” She squeezes even harder.
“Hi, Lexie. I missed you too,” I squeak out.
Realizing the death grip, she has on me, she finally lets go on a giggle. “Right, come on. Let’s get off this street. It’s fucking boiling out here and you’ve got a lot to carry.”
She delicately takes my handbag off my shoulder and struts off. I watch her, glad she hasn’t changed a bit, while I fight with my cabin bag and suitcases. A very smartly dressed gentleman, who I assume is one of the doormen, comes to my aid and rolls the cases for me.
The wide glass doors are held open by a younger but no less neatly put together man, who welcomes me into a very elegant lobby, the air-conditioning doing a good job of cooling my hot skin. We catch up to Lex at the lifts and get in. Once at her floor—my floor now, too—I follow to apartment 8E. I haven’t been to this place yet, as she moved in here after my last visit.
She flings the door open, and I’m hit with the sweet scent of vanilla.
Yep, Alexa Woods lives here.
The apartment is bright due to the large windows that let in lots of light. They aren’t floor-to-ceiling as we’re a little too low down in the building, but they do a good job of flooding the space with sunshine.
Decorated in pale, calming greys with high ceilings and white paint work, expensive-looking throw pillows in an assortment of mint greens and pale blues clutter a grey sofa, and black-and-white prints of the skyline and various places in the area are hung on the walls. It’s very cool in here, meaning she must have the air cranked up high. I know this also means that it won’t last long because as soon as the sun starts to set, she’ll think it’s gotten too cold and turn it off.
“Right,” she huffs, placing my tiny cross-body bag down like she just carried all my luggage with one hand.
“I’m so glad you’re here.” She claps in excitement and then turns to the doorman.
“Frank, this is Pixie. She’s my best friend and she lives here now. Thank you for helping with the cases.”
“No problem, Miss Alexa.” He turns to me. “Welcome to the building, Miss… Pixie?”
“Oh no, you don’t have to call me that. My real name is Anna, and thanks for your help.”
“Oh, okay. Then you’re very welcome, Miss Anna. Anything you need, you can just come see me or Eric. Over the week you’ll get to meet Julia and Tom too. Have a good rest of your day.” Smiling, he nods toward Lex and leaves, closing the door behind him.
Within moments, she’s in the kitchen, rifling through the fridge and pouring two very large glasses of gin and tonic, loaded up with enough ice cubes to give you a brain freeze.
Wearing a red bandana wrapped around her head like a headband, a long white t-shirt, jean shorts, and silver flip flops adorning her feet, she shouts at the Alexa speaker to play the soundtrack to ‘Clueless’.
I motion to the speaker. “Doesn’t that get confusing, having the same name?”
“Nah. I think it’s funny.”
I’ve smiled more in the last twenty minutes than I have in a long time. I let go of another deep breath I didn’t realize I was holding. She walks over to me, passing me one of the drinks, ‘Kids of America’ playing in the background, and stares me straight in the eye.
“You did it, Pix. You got on that plane. You’ll never forget them, and you’ll always love them, but I’m positive this was the right thing for you. Mainly because you’re with me, and we all know how great I am…” She smiles at her own joke and sips her drink.
“You’ll get a new job, I’ll show you more of this amazing city that we dreamed of when we were teenagers, and we’ll laugh and cry and work through it all together, okay? This is where you will heal and find yourself again. I just know it.”
I nod, tears threatening both our eyes as she continues. “I loved them, so much. They were my second family. But I know they would want you to do this for yourself. Let’s find our Pixie again, or at least a new version of her.”
Lexie doesn’t pull any punches, she just tells it as it is. She’s strong and kind, loyal, and the best friend anyone could wish for.
Putting her life on hold and flying home to be with me when it happened, she stayed for as long as she could after the funerals. How this wonderful free-spirit manages to thrive in such a cut-throat profession as a defense lawyer is beyond me, but that’s what makes her so special. One day she’s wearing ripped jeans and converse, the next she’s strutting around in power suits and Louboutin’s. Also, her brain works at a faster pace than most people’s, so she’s got that going for her as well.
I bring the now frosty glass to my lips, which she tips with her finger, encouraging me to take a bigger gulp. Winking when I do, she does the same, only she nearly finishes hers.
“Okay!” she exclaims. “Let me show you to your room. We’ll hang your clothes and then I’ll tell you what I have planned for the next few days.”
Walking through the doorway she’s pointing at, I can’t help the gasp that escapes me.
“Lexie! It’s beautiful.”
A fluffy grey throw encases crisp white bedding, not one but three vases of fresh flowers are placed around the room, along with rose-gold-colored picture frames that hold photos of us throughout our lives and of my family.
I pick up one of the two of us with my little sister. Alice smiles brightly at the camera as we kiss her cheek, her mossy green eyes brimming with life. In this, she’s about ten and we’re eighteen, leaving for university.
Lex puts her arm around me and squeezes tight. “I wanted them to be here with you. I wanted to remind you that you haven’t left them behind.”
I’m only given a moment to process before she’s clapping her hands again as if to snap me out of my daze and gets busy unpacking, throwing my stuff all over the bed.
“Lex?” I ask, but she continues. “Alexa, stop! Some of the folded stuff is okay.”
She smirks and I know then that she was messing with my bags on purpose, to distract me from my thoughts and the rabbit hole of sadness I can easily find myself in. I open the drawers and she starts to hand me my underwear, T-shirts, leggings, jeans, and shorts as I place them all neatly into my dresser.
Once it’s all put away, the nicer stuff hung up in a cavernous wardrobe, I take my wash bag into the bathroom.
After taking the opportunity to freshen up, I change into the light spaghetti strap top I left out. Lex is sitting on the bed, typing on her phone, and looks up when she’s done.
“Theo said he and a few friends are going to the game and asked if we want to go. I’ve told him we do, and he’s getting our tickets.”
I’m about to take a breath and stop her, but she’s on a roll.
“No. We’re going. Today is about us, and you settling in. Tomorrow morning is me showing you what a proper New York brunch is all about, and then Saturday night, we’re meeting the boys. You’ve done enough hiding, and I want you to spend time with Theo. He’s going to become a good friend to you. You’ll love him.”
I nod, knowing she’s right again.
“He knows all about what happened, obviously, and will be there for you if you need him. But he’s also got nice friends and an amazing family who are a lot of fun and very…erm…embracing. Yes, that’s what we’ll say. So, drink up.” She passes me my now half-empty glass. “We need to push through the time difference, so we’re going out for a bit. I’ve got some food here, but I think we’ll need to hit the ice cream section at the store.”
She’s extra Lexie this afternoon, extra bossy, but I’ll take it over her walking on eggshells around me any day.
After finishing our drinks, we leave the apartment. Not making it two steps out of the building, she starts peppering me with questions.
“What did you have to eat on the plane?”
“Erm, well I pretended to be a vegetarian because the chicken looked a bit grey.”
“Safe. You should have bumped to first class. Nicer options.”
“I was fine where I was, and I had some snacks anyway.”
She doesn’t need to know I’m having trouble eating full meals. “So did you read or watch anything?”
“I bought a few glossy mags at the airport and flipped through them on the flight. Don’t worry, I kept them for you.”
She claps and bounces a little. “Yay, thank you. I haven’t read an honest-to-God, hold-in-your-hand British edition of Vogue in forever.”
“Yep, Marie Claire and Glamour, too.”
She nods approvingly.
The rest I make up because the truth is that I spent the majority of the time staring out the window. She shows me her—but phrases it as ‘our’—favorite deli, pizza place, and the closest Starbucks. I’m just a tea girl, but she loves her coffee.
Reading my mind, she says, “Don’t worry, they do Twining’s here, but I ordered some of yours and it arrived at the house this morning.”
I hadn’t even thought about the things I’d miss when I decided to leave. We love most of the same stuff, so when she says it’s going to be my favorite place to eat, I believe her. She promises to take me to the shop a few blocks away because I’ll ‘flip out’ going down its ‘British’ aisle.
I hope she’s right about everything. I hope this is where I’ll mend my heart and put myself back together.
We walk around in the weird October sunshine, and she manages to keep me laughing, telling me all about a big case she’s working on and what she and Theo have been up to.
I have to ask her to start from the beginning. I’ve been so out of it, I don’t really think I’ve heard a lot of what she’s said, and I feel shit about it. That I couldn’t even bring myself to ask her how her life was going.
“Hey, I see that guilty look in your eye. Stop it. It’s been so rough for you, there’s no blame here. I’ll start from the top.” She stops, clears her throat, and takes a deep breath.
“It was a cold and snowy Wednesday morning, I had beaten the daily rush, getting into work extra early. Myself and a few of the other early birds stepped onto the lift and started to ascend to our floors. Up and up and up the lift went, until, the lights flickered and the car ground to a sudden halt…”
I cover my mouth as I try to suppress a smile. She’s really going for it here.
“Help, help we cried, but no one could hear-”
“Don’t you work for a multi-million-dollar law firm? Didn’t they have cameras, a security system, an intercom?”
“Oh fine, yes they do. The security guard alerted us to the fact that there had been some kind of malfunction, the lift was between floors and that emergency assistance was on its way. Can I please continue my story?” she huffs.
“Yes, you can. Carry on.”
“Thank you. So… The minutes drag by and I’m starting to get worried. After about six hours?—”
“Lex!”
“Okay. Ten minutes. We hear talking, clanking, and scraping. The car jolts and then the doors are pried open. And do you know what I saw?”
“No, Lexie, what did you see?”
“I saw the most piercing set of blue eyes on the most handsome face there ever was.”
“Wow!”
“Yes, wow. In fact, let me just show you a picture.” She pulls her phone out of her pocket and clicks the button on the side. The screen lights up with a selfie of her and Theo smiling happily into the camera. They’re both ‘model’ beautiful.
“He was like, ‘Hey everyone. We’ll have you out of here in no time. My name’s Theo. Just sit tight for a few more minutes.’ Then he goes about bossing all the other firefighters around, securing ropes and jamming the doors. It was very sexy.”
“I’m sure it was.”
“Yes. My panties were damp in seconds.”
“Oh Lex, you definitely could have left that bit out,” I giggle.
“What? At least I didn’t say knickers, how horrible is that word? ‘You’re so hot, my knickers flood’? No thank you. I adopted the word ‘panties’ as soon as I crossed through border control, I’m telling you.”
“Do you wanna get to the part where the sexy fireman is now your perfect boyfriend?”
“Ugh fine… His vivid and striking gaze did a sensual sweep of my designer-dress-clad body and as he reached out his now ungloved hand to help me up onto the little set of ladders he’d placed for us to step onto, he swept me into his arms, told me he’d never met anyone so beautiful, and kissed me, right there in front of the five other lift passengers.”
“He did not,” I snort.
“You’re the worst. Just go with it. Anyway, after his heroic save, I never thought I would see him again, but when I left work that evening, he was waiting outside the building and asked me if I’d like to go for coffee. I said yes, of course, it led to dinner, then a few more dates, then breakfast…” She says with a wink and a nudge of her elbow, “…and now, here we are, sixteen glorious months later.”
“That is some meet-cute, Lex. I’m so glad he makes you happy,” I tell her as she nods and looks at the lock screen photo on her phone again.
I’ve been so enthralled by her storytelling, I hadn’t even noticed we’d stopped outside a huge shop. She pockets her phone, practically skipping into the store, and I pull out my purse, knowing she’s definitely in sleepover-snack mode.
When we finally get back to the apartment, she orders me into the shower, and I oblige because I’m still all plane-y after the flight.
After tying my wet hair into a messy bun, I slap on some moisturizer and body lotion and go in search of my new roommate, noticing the air conditioner has now been turned down as I expected.
“Wow, you smell like a pina colada.” Lex muses as I sit down next to her. She’s also fresh from a shower and wearing matching pajamas.
I nudge her shoulder, smiling as I tell her, “And you smell like a vanilla milkshake. Did you already order?”
“I did. Thai. That okay?”
“It really is.”
I’m grateful she didn’t say Chinese. There aren’t many Thai restaurants back home, so when I’ve come to visit her before, I’ve always begged for Thai takeout.
Remote in hand, she clicks through Netflix and stops on our favorite show, just so it’s on in the background while we continue to catch up. We’ve watched every episode so many times, we don’t need to give it our full attention. Then I settle in for an easy night like we used to have, before.
When I finally begin to yawn, we hug goodnight and go off into our separate rooms. I brush my teeth and then climb into my new bed. I’m obviously tired, but sleep doesn’t come so easily anymore.
I’ve stopped taking my sleeping tablets, which is why Lex was extra generous with the gin, but it means I sometimes struggle to fall asleep. I don’t know how much time goes by, but I hear the door creak and then light footsteps. The covers are thrown back and I feel Lex’s tiny body move across the bed.
I turn around and our eyes meet in the dark. She reaches out her hand for me to hold, and I feel like I can finally close my eyes.
I’m going to be okay is my last thought of the day as sleep consumes me.