Seventeen
before
They’d ended up on her bed. Shiloh was in his lap. Cary’s hands were on her thighs, just under her skirt.
She’d touched his tie, his tie clip, his single ribbon. She’d worried at his collar. She’d covered his ears with her hands
and then pinched his earlobes.
He wasn’t sure that she’d ever been kissed before, but she’d thrown herself into it—and Cary loved how eager she was. How
happy she seemed. How absolutely Shiloh she was being about it all. Best-case-scenario Shiloh.
She pulled away from the kiss to look down at him. She was holding his face. He felt like he must be glowing—like he must
have the dumbest possible smile, a cat with a face full of cream.
Shiloh was giggling and touching his lips.
She jumped when the door opened. Cary grabbed on to her hips.
Shiloh stood up quickly. Cary sat up. Wiped his mouth. Adjusted his shirt.
A pudgy blond girl walked in. She looked at Shiloh. Then at Cary. She raised her eyebrows. “Hello.”
“Darla—this is Cary, my high school friend. Cary, this is my roommate, Darla. She’s from Iowa City, and she’s pretty wonderful.”
“I am?”
“It’s nice to meet you,” Cary said. He knew his face was bright red.
Shiloh stepped closer to her roommate. “Could I talk to you... ” She tipped her head toward the door.
“Sure...”
They stepped out into the hall.
Cary stood up. He looked in the mirror. He wasn’t sure what would happen now. Would he and Shiloh get to be alone some more? Maybe he could take her out, he was really hungry—would that be a date? What would it be like to date Shiloh? What was even happening right now?
She and Darla came back to the room almost fifteen minutes later. Cary had found some crackers on Shiloh’s desk. He was eating
them. He stood up when the door opened.
“Darla’s going to take our picture,” Shiloh said.
“Okay,” he said. And then to Darla—“Thank you.”
Shiloh gave Darla the camera and came to stand by Cary. He put down the crackers. He let his arm come around her shoulders.
“Do we look good?” Shiloh was smoothing her hair. “Make sure we look good.”
“You look great,” Darla said.
Cary swallowed. He hugged Shiloh. The flash went off.
“Take another one,” Shiloh said.
Darla did, then handed back the camera. “And now I am going to go study,” she said. “For thirty-six to forty-eight hours.”
She quickly grabbed some clothes and picked up her backpack. Shiloh looked embarrassed. Cary was embarrassed.
“Thank you for your service,” Darla said at the door. “My grandpa was in the Navy.”
“Oh,” Cary said. “Thank you. I mean—thank him and you.”
Shiloh walked Darla out.
She was frowning when she came back in.
“How’d you make that work?” Cary asked.
“She’s staying with someone down the hall, and now I owe her something big and unpleasant that is yet to be determined.”
“That was nice of her, I guess?”
“Cary, sit down.”
He sat in the desk chair.
“No, sit over here, with me.” Shiloh sat on the bed.
He came to sit next to her.
She looked antsy. Her fists were clenched.
Cary braced himself.
“I’m not sure what we’re doing,” she said. “You’re on your way to Orlando, right?”
“Right.”
“I don’t even know when I’ll see you again. Do you know when I’ll see you again?”
He shook his head. “No.”
“Will it be months? Or years?”
“It will be months,” he said. “Or years.”
“I can’t ask you...” she said.
Yes, she could.
She threw up her hands. “What is this anyway?” She motioned between them, panicky. “ This? ”
“I don’t know, Shiloh. I didn’t plan it.”
Cary hadn’t exactly planned it...
He’d known that he needed to see her. He’d thought he might tell her, if the moment was right, what her letters had meant
to him. What she meant to him.
Shiloh looked like she was winding up at one end and coming undone at the other. She was biting her lip. “This doesn’t have
to be... Cary, maybe this isn’t... You’ve gotta...” She mimed a plane lifting up with one hand. “ Phew. Take off. You’re just taking off. You don’t even know where you’ll be. But I’ll be here, right? So... it doesn’t have to be...”
“Okay,” he said, wanting this to stop. “Yeah. I’m sorry.”
“No! Don’t be sorry. I’m not sorry. I’m just... trying to be realistic, I guess. Am I being realistic?”
“Yeah.” He nodded. “This is probably not the time for us... to...”
Shiloh nodded hard. “Right.”
“Do you want me to leave?”
She grabbed his arm. “ No. ”
Cary huffed out a helpless breath. “Well—what do you want, Shiloh?”
Her face fell. It killed him. That was all it took to kill him.
“I want you , Cary. I guess I just want to be here with you. Anyway.”
He nodded.
“Do you want that?” she asked.
“Yeah.” His voice was gruff.
Shiloh moved her hand down to his. She squeezed it. This was the first time they’d held hands. Maybe ever.
They sat there for a while. Cary didn’t know what was supposed to happen now.
He felt like he’d gotten the tiniest peek into the world he wanted. Like a door had swung open and then immediately closed.
But somehow he was still with Shiloh, still connected to her.
When she looked up at him, he could see she’d been crying.
He didn’t think twice—he kissed her.