Twenty
Shiloh couldn’t reach her dress, and there were no blankets to pull up over herself.
“You hoped I’d be different?” Her voice came out thick. She was surprised it came out at all. “That’s funny, Cary. I hoped
you’d be the same.”
Cary was fastening his belt. He was facing away from her. Straight-backed. Bare-shouldered. Shiloh found his shirt on the
bed and threw it in his direction.
“I’m sorry,” he said again. “This was a mistake.”
She crossed her legs and pulled a pillow in front of her chest. She was crying now. She tried to stop. “Yeah, I guess that’s
how you’ve always seen me.”
He jerked his head around. “ What? ”
“Don’t look at me,” she said through tears.
“Jesus Christ,” Cary said, like this whole thing was too much for him. “I don’t even know what you’re talking about...”
He bent over and felt around the floor. A few seconds later, he held her dress out behind his back.
Shiloh grabbed it. “I’m just agreeing with you. You’re right, I haven’t changed—I’m still someone you’d regret sleeping with.”
“That’s not— I don’t regret —”
She pulled the dress over her head. “You just said that you did! Which I kind of already knew, but thank you for explicitly
confirming it.”
He turned to face her. “That’s not what I meant. I meant— I meant I’m not going to be your—” He was so upset, he was sputtering.
“Your sexual safety blanket again.”
“There was never anything safe about you, Cary!”
“You’re giving me whiplash, Shiloh!”
“Go, then. Fly away home. Your shirt’s on the floor.”
“You—”
There was a soft knock at the door. “Shiloh? You in there?”
“ Shit, ” Shiloh whispered.
Cary groaned. He started looking for his shirt.
“I’m here!” she called. “I’m fine, Mom.”
“Because I’ve got my gun and a cell phone, and I’ve already dialed the nine and the one.”
“She doesn’t have a gun,” Shiloh said, moving quickly past Cary to crack open the door.
Her mom was standing there in pajamas, looking worried. “I heard a man’s voice.”
Shiloh held the door mostly closed and slid past it into the hall. “It’s fine,” she said quietly. “It’s Cary.”
Her mom’s eyes got big, and she mouthed, Cary?
Shiloh nodded.
“ Cary? ” her mom called out. “ Is that really you? ”
“Hi, Gloria,” Cary said from behind the door. He sounded miserable.
Her mom pinched Shiloh’s upper arm. “You brought Cary home from the wedding?” She was whisper-hissing. “I didn’t think you had it in you!”
Shiloh pulled her arm away and rubbed it. “Okay, well... I need to get back in there now and finish arguing with him.”
Her mom tsk-ed in disappointment. “Oh, honey, don’t argue with Cary. You don’t get to make new old friends, you know?”
“Yeah.” Shiloh nodded again. “Okay.”
“I know you’re out of practice, Shiloh, but the point of bringing men home isn’t to argue with them.”
“I thought you were worried about my safety .”
“Well, I was, but that’s when I figured any man in your bedroom had to be a home intruder...” She frowned. “ Should I be worried? Are you okay?”
“I’m fine. Don’t worry.” Shiloh slipped back through the door. “Good night, Mom.”
“Good night.” She craned her head after Shiloh. “ Good night, Cary! Don’t argue with my daughter! You can’t go making any new old friends! ”
Shiloh closed the door. Cary was fully dressed and sitting on her bed. He’d turned on the reading lamp next to her pillow.
You could see now what a mess her room was.
“I’m sorry,” she said. “She wasn’t expecting me to have a guest.”
Cary ignored Shiloh’s apology. His face was under control, but you could tell he was upset because his nostrils were twitching.
“I don’t regret sleeping with you,” he said. “I just don’t want to go through it all again.”
“That still sounds like you regret sleeping with me.”
“ No— ” He took a breath, then tried again, in a more level voice. “No. I meant, I don’t want to go through what happens next. When
the window closes, and you go back to your real life.”
Shiloh felt on display. Braless and barefooted. She crossed her arms. “Are we talking about now or then?”
Cary’s eyes flashed. “Both! I’m never a real option for you, Shiloh. I thought maybe tonight would be different—that we could
meet each other in a new place, that maybe you still had feelings for me...”
“I have nothing but feelings for you.”
He laughed, joylessly. “You’ve already decided I’m a one-night stand!”
She felt so confused. “ Isn’t this a one-night stand? Aren’t you only in Omaha for the night?”
He glared at her. “Is that the only reason you’re interested?”
“No.”
“Because you only seem to be interested in me when I’m walking away.”
“ Cary. ” She shook her head. “That’s not fair.”
“You pretended like it never happened!” His voice was extra quiet, like he was trying not to shout.
She jabbed a finger at him. “No, you pretended like it never happened!”
“You couldn’t wait to tell me it was nothing, Shiloh. Before we even had a chance.”
“I was giving you an out ! Which you immediately took. You didn’t even kiss me goodbye!”
“That’s not how it happened!”
“Don’t tell me how it happened—I was there!”
“You micromanaged every moment.” He was looking away from her, counting on his fingers. “ You decided we should have sex. You decided what it meant. You told me how to feel .”
She scoffed. “I sound pretty terrible—why are you even here?”
He looked at her again, seething. “You said it was nothing .”
“No, Cary, I said I loved you!”
“I loved you, too!”
“You didn’t say that—you’ve never said that.”
“I wrote you a letter!”
“You broke up with me in a letter.”
“How could I break up with you? We were never together!”
“That’s what I thought,” she said, “but you sure fucking did it anyway.”
“Don’t swear at me.”
“Don’t tell me what to do.”
He stood up. “I won’t. This is— I’m going home now. You don’t have to drive me. I’ll walk.”
Shiloh started crying again. She couldn’t let Cary walk away—but there was nothing she could do to stop him. There was nothing
she could say. She didn’t have any pull with him anymore. What pull she’d had, she’d used up to get him here.
She scrubbed at her eyes with the back of her wrist and sat down on the bed. “I was giving you an out,” she said again, with
less fight.
Cary was standing at the door. He looked back at her. “How do you know that I wanted an out?”
“Then or now?”
“Either.”
She laughed. “Cary, I’m divorced, I have two kids, and I live a million miles away from you. I didn’t want you to think I
was living in some fantasy world where tonight would lead to something.”
He shook his head. “You decided all of this without me...”
“I was just being realistic.”
“Oh my god, Shiloh, that’s exactly what you said back then.”
“How do you even remember what I said back then?”
He had one hand on the doorknob and one on his hip. “You don’t think that weekend stands out ?”
Shiloh let her head hang forward. “I don’t know what to say... I don’t know what you want from me.”
Cary took a deep breath.
“Nothing,” he said.