Slow Simmer

31. Memorial Day

31

MEMORIAL DAY

Mara

Lianna and I headed toward my parents' house, the day’s weight already pressing down like thick summer humidity. The tension with Dad clung to everything, impossible to shake. I’d hoped today might feel lighter, but after our last blow-up over Ford’s movie, that was wishful thinking. My sisters couldn’t make it back, but Grayson would be there, and I was counting on him and Lianna to help keep things calm.

As we neared Main Street, the parade crowd thickened. Last year I’d brought Zephyr, but the bagpipes and firecrackers had stressed him out, so I left him home this time. A gray-haired veteran in an Army uniform handed me a small flag with a cheerful “Happy Memorial Day.”

“Thank you for your service,” I said, twirling the flag as we walked.

Despite the cheerful atmosphere, my mind kept drifting back to the argument with Dad over Ford’s movie. It wasn’t just a disagreement; his words had stayed with me, gnawing at my peace. I pulled out my phone and shot a quick group text:

Me: Remember. Don’t mention the movie deal until it’s finalized.

Mom: ??

Dad: So, never? Easy enough.

I sighed, frustration flaring. He made my dreams sound like a childish fantasy. Did he even realize how much his words hurt?

As we left the business district and approached my parents’ street, the crowd thinned out, making it easier to speed up.

I was a bit nervous. This was our first Memorial Day without Chance, and his absence felt like a void that swallowed any chance at real joy. Last year, he’d been sitting next to me as we watched the parade, cracking jokes and lightening the mood without even trying. Now, every holiday, every family gathering, was a reminder of what we’d lost. What I’d lost.

I spotted my parents in front of their house, setting up five matching red lawn chairs in the grass bordering the street. The parade would pass by before looping back through the town’s business district.

Mom and Dad always hosted brunch following the parade. They’d started the tradition the year they’d moved in, when my twin sisters Rachael and Audrey were still in high school, and I’d been attending college in Boston. I’d come to visit for the weekend and had found the entire experience so charming that I hadn’t missed it since.

Mom, relaxed and completely chill in her tan capris and white short-sleeved top, smiled when she spotted us. Her entire outfit was understated… except for those Prada sunglasses. Dad stood ramrod straight in his habitual khaki shorts and golf shirt.

“Hi.” I kissed Mom’s cheek.

“Don’t you look adorable in your red, white, and blue Wonder Woman t-shirt!” Mom exclaimed as she pulled me into a hug.

The moment Mom misidentified my shirt, a pang of loss hit me square in the chest, bringing with it a familiar ache. Chance would’ve corrected her in his good-natured way, teasing her for not knowing the difference. He always had a way of making even the smallest moments feel bigger, more important. Without him, everything felt... incomplete.

“Actually, it’s a Captain America shirt,” I pointed out. “I thought the flag theme was perfect for Memorial Day.” I glanced down at the shirt with its white star centered on the blue background above the wide vertical red and white stripes as I tried to corral my emotions. “Chance gave?—”

“Po-tay-to, po-tah-to,” Dad said with a frown, interrupting me before I could explain it had been a gift from Chance on our last birthday.

My sudden flash of irritation with the way he casually dismissed my pain eased—for the moment.

“That’s nice, dear.” Mom patted my arm. Clearly, she didn’t pick up on the tension between me and Dad.

“Heard anything from Destiny about Stel-Wood?” Dad asked, casual as anything.

I stiffened, feeling my irritation spike. How the hell did he always manage to bring things back to this? Destiny’s call from last night still hung over me, unresolved, and the last thing I wanted was to drag Dad into it. His disapproval would just make everything worse, complicating an already tangled mess of emotions. “Is Grayson here yet?” I asked, casually tossing my habitually late brother under the bus. Since Grayson was Dad’s favorite, I knew he could take the heat.

“Not yet,” Dad said, frowning in irritation. “He got a late start.” He turned to Lianna and held out his hand. “Good to see you, Lianna.”

“Thanks for having me,” she replied, shaking it.

Too bad there weren’t any shade trees nearby because today was already a scorcher. I put on my sunglasses and plopped down on the red lawn chair at the end of the row. Lianna claimed the one next to me. This time last year, Chance had been sitting there instead of her.

A wave of sadness hit me. I pushed my sunglasses up my nose. Was I the only one thinking of Chance today?

“Thanks for inviting me, Monica,” Lianna said as Mom sat down next to her. “This is a great place to watch the parade. Will you be choreographing the musical at summer camp again this year?”

“You bet.” Mom beamed. “We start in three weeks. I love working there. Those kids always impress me.”

“Too bad I wasn’t still in high school when you and Dad moved here. I could have gone to that camp too,” I said, attempting to join the conversation. “The kids look like they’re having a blast.”

“You and Chance would have loved it.” She glanced down at her hands.

“I used to attend that camp,” Lianna said. “How long have you been the choreographer there?”

“Ever since we moved here seven years ago.” Mom folded her hands in her lap, and her hot pink nail polish flashed in the sunlight. “Our realtor mentioned it, so I enrolled Rachael and Aubrey. When the camp’s regular choreographer had a family emergency, they were scrambling to find a replacement and asked me to help.” She lifted her hands in a ta-da sort of gesture. “I’ve been doing it ever since.”

“I loved being in those shows,” Lianna said. “It was my favorite camp, ever.”

Dad came up behind us. “Monica, is there anything else we need to do to get ready?”

Mom gave a start. “I almost forgot. Can you carry the cooler down here? It’s too heavy for me.”

That was normally Chance’s job during the Memorial Day parade.

Dad frowned. “I’ll get it right now. You stay here. You’ve been running around preparing things all morning.”

“That’s okay,” Mom said as she stood. “I need to put the casserole in the oven for brunch. It’ll only take a minute.”

Dad shot me a glance. “If I know your mom, her ‘minute’ will take at least ten.”

“Is it my fault I always think of more things that need to be done?” Mom teased.

I watched them head off. Dad reached over and took Mom’s hand in his. Was it just affection, or did he sense she needed some comfort today? I suddenly wished Ford was next to me right now. Having him with me would have made today easier. I missed him.

Lianna watched my parents walking hand-in-hand. “They’re cute together.”

“They are,” I said. “He knows how to keep her organized, and she knows how to handle him when he gets cranky.”

Lianna cocked her head as she examined me. “And look at you. I could swear you’re positively glowing these days. I think you might have found yourself a keeper in Ford. Even seeing your dad didn’t dull your shine.”

“You can tell?” I could feel my cheeks warm, and it wasn’t from the sun. “I have to admit, Ford is pretty amazing. He took me to the Nemacolin Resort last Saturday night. It was fabulous. Massages. Breakfast in bed?—”

In the distance, a marching band began playing. The parade would arrive soon.

The corners of Lianna’s lips drew down. “Paul and I went there a couple of years ago for our anniversary.” Her gaze became unfocused, her expression distant. A moment later, she seemed to come back to herself as she glanced back at me again. “I bet you had a wonderful time.” Her tight smile didn’t reach her eyes. “What did you do while you were there?”

Seeing the shadows cross Lianna’s face as she spoke about Paul twisted something in me. Her pain was different from mine, but grief had a way of binding people together. She was trying to move forward, just like I was—both of us fighting against the weight of loss, hers from a failed marriage, mine from losing Chance. And, like me, she wasn’t sure how to put the pieces of her life back together. If I spotted Lianna’s husband Paul right now, I’d want to rail at him for all the pain and heartache he’d caused.

I tamped down my anger, not wanting to burden Lianna with it. “We visited Falling Waters. It’s amazing. Have you been there?”

“The Frank Lloyd Wright house?” Lianna asked. “I’ve been meaning to go.”

“I loved it. The entire building is a work of art. It melds perfectly with the landscape. Did you know every piece of furniture in it was created specifically for the house?”

“I keep meaning to take a day trip there.” Lianna gave me a sidelong look. “I’ve hardly seen you in the past few weeks. Are you spending all your free time with Ford?”

I was so happy that I couldn’t help grinning. “It’s been a whirlwind. Have I been neglecting you?”

Lianna waved her hand dismissively and gave a half-hearted smile. “Nah. I’m fine. I think it’s great that you’re finally into someone. And Ford Ross—how amazing is that? He’s totally hot.”

“Talented, too. He’s the whole package.” I glanced down at my hands and shrugged. “Am I getting too attached, too fast? I can’t keep spending all my free time with him. I’ve been neglecting my friends and my business. If I’m not careful, I’ll put the stu—” I bit off the word stupid, shocked that I’d nearly used it, and instead said— “st-store at risk.”

Did I really think Ghost of a Chance was stupid?

No, not stupid… of course not, but my feelings about the place had been changing lately, and Destiny’s phone call last night had left me feeling conflicted. I could almost see Chance frowning at me with concern.

Lianna gave me a strange look. “Is there anything going on you want to talk about? Yes, you’re happy with Ford, but I think something else is going on with you.”

My eyes pinched at the corners as I shrugged. “Mind reader.”

Lianna arched an eyebrow.

“It’s the store. It’s doing a bit better now, but I could never forgive myself if it failed. Dad’s been on the phone with me nearly every day harassing me about selling it.” I hesitated, then spoke before I changed my mind. “Destiny called me last night about a project. She wants to start another new company.”

Lianna turned to face me with undisguised curiosity. “She’s the one you started your video game company with, right?”

“She wants us to work together to develop a concept for a game we brainstormed a while back. The idea would be to allow the gamer to use an image of themselves to customize their avatar and then use hand gestures along with an emotion detection component of facial recognition to control gameplay. Your every smile or grimace would show up on screen, and the NPCs—non-player-characters—would react to you based on how you interact with them. I mean—holy awesome! That would be so much fun to develop.”

Lianna’s eyes went wide. “Now, that’s a great idea. Unique, too. What do you think? Will you do it? Will you partner with her again?”

I heard a thump behind us as Dad set down the cooler. How long had he been there?

“She should,” he said, “but she’s too stubborn.” He took a seat on the cooler and loomed over my shoulder.

“Thanks, Dad, but you’ve already made your opinion abundantly clear.”

“Obviously not clear enough, if you’re considering turning down Destiny’s offer.”

Crap. He’d heard too much. “It’s not an offer!” I protested. Yes, I was mincing words, but we hadn’t gotten to that point yet. “She simply wants to discuss a game idea we’d tossed around. Jeez, Dad. Eavesdrop much?”

His phone rang, and he immediately pulled it from his pocket. “She’ll make an offer. Don’t be naive. You and Destiny built Stel-Wood out of nothing, and that’s not easy to do. You were the creative force behind everything. Clearly, Destiny needs you. Too bad you threw everything away on your brother’s half-baked idea to open a comic book shop.” He glanced down at his phone screen and his expression changed to one of concern. “It’s the hospital. I need to take this. I’m on-call.”

I was stunned by what sounded like praise sandwiched between two hurtful digs. A moment later, Dad’s comment about the hospital registered, and my stomach dropped. Concern warred with disappointment, but concern quickly won out. The hospital would only have called if there was an emergency.

Apparently, shreds of my childhood resentment still lingered. I might admire Dad for the way he rushed to help his patients, but that ethic also meant there’d been too many times when he’d bailed on the family.

A horn honked, and I turned toward the street to see a white convertible with its top down leading the parade.

The mayor’s car.

Scarlet sat in the passenger seat, waving at everyone, and tossing handfuls of candy to the kids. When she caught sight of us, her smile morphed into a devilish grin. She grabbed a fistful of candy, but instead of using her gentle underhand candy-toss technique, she switched to a fierce overhand throw and bombarded us with sweets.

As the hard pellets smacked us, Lianna and I let out startled shrieks. One piece bounced off my sunglasses and landed in my lap along with other pieces of candy shrapnel.

“I’m leaving now,” Dad said to the person on the phone. “Send me the test results as soon as you have them. I’ll be there as fast as I can.” He ended the call.

“What happened?” I asked.

“One of my cardiac patients collapsed while preparing to march in the parade today. He’s an Air Force veteran. He’s in the E.R. now. I need to tell your mom, and then I’ll head to the hospital.”

“I hope he’s okay,” I said. I knew better than to ask who it was. The guy’s family might not even know yet, and Dad was uber-careful when it came to privacy issues.

Dad tossed me a wave as he trotted back to the house.

“That was intense.” Lianna’s eyes were wide as she watched Dad leave.

“That’s my dad in a nutshell. Intense.”

“He really wants you to go back to creating video games. If Destiny makes an offer, do you think you’ll take it?”

“How can I?” I slumped back in my chair again and opened a little box of Chiclets gum Scarlet had thrown at me. “If I step away from Ghost of a Chance, it’ll fold. I can’t do that. I’ve invested too much of myself to abandon it now.” I crunched into the hard shell. Wintergreen chilled my tastebuds. The marching band got closer, so I had to raise my voice. “It feels like I’m being forced to choose between two parts of myself. With either decision, I have to turn my back on one of my dreams. Plus, if I give up on the store, I’ll also be giving up on Chance’s dream. In a way, I’d be giving up on Chance. How do I choose when both options feel like I’m losing something important?”

Lianna waited until the band had moved on before she spoke. “What does Ford think you should do?”

“I haven’t told him yet.”

Lianna cocked her head to one side and furrowed her brow like a confused puppy. “Why not?”

I shrugged. “I’ll tell him later today. I just found out last night.”

When a pair of Cub Scouts marching past in the parade spotted me, their eyes lit up and they began waving excitedly.

“Look,” one of them said. “It’s Wonder Woman.”

“Go, Scouts!” I shouted. I glanced at Lianna. “Regular customers.”

“Even they thought you were wearing a Wonder Woman t-shirt,” Lianna commented.

I rolled my eyes. “They weren’t talking about my t-shirt. They call me Wonder Woman because I wear Wonder Woman t-shirts all the time. It’s a nickname.”

“In a rut much?”

“It’s part of my comic-book-shop-owner persona. I need to look the part.”

A group of juggling unicyclists wearing matching t-shirts came next in the parade.

Lianna settled back into her lawn chair, staring at me rather than the jugglers. “I’m glad you plan to tell Ford about Destiny’s offer. He’ll have some good insight. Besides, keeping him in the loop will ensure there aren’t any misunderstandings later. Back when Paul and I were first trying to get pregnant and I would end up disappointed each month, I shared what I was feeling with him. Every time my period came, I took it as a personal failure. It was depressing as hell, and he hated hearing me talk about it.”

My chest tightened. “Oh, sweetie. That had to be rough. He should have been supportive, not selfish.”

She shrugged without meeting my eyes. “It is what it is.”

One of the unicyclists dropped a beanbag he’d been juggling. A young man wearing a matching t-shirt trotted over to the lost beanbag and snatched it up from the ground, deftly tossing it up to the man.

Lianna leaned closer to me. “I used to take my temperature every morning to track my ovulation. During the week when I was most fertile, our lovemaking wasn’t about being together. It was entirely about making a baby. I could feel Paul distancing himself as months went by and I got more and more depressed about not being able to conceive. I wanted to protect him, so I started hiding my disappointment each time my period inevitably started again like clockwork. Looking back now, I realize it was a mistake. Hiding my feelings created a rift between us. Keeping secrets, even for the best of intentions, is a bad idea. I think he must have decided I’d accepted the fact that I couldn’t have kids, and he was relieved.”

“That has to hurt.”

She let out a sigh that broke my heart.

“I’ve been thinking about me an Paul. Trying to figure out how things went so horribly wrong. I think a rift formed as all those monthly failures piled up and I pretended each one didn’t kill me.” She picked at a hangnail. “Maybe if I’d gotten pregnant, he wouldn’t have strayed.”

I gave her a stern look. “Strayed? The man isn’t a lost dog. He’s a cheater. He chose to be a cheater. That’s his fault, not yours. Cheating is never a solution. It only creates more problems. Let me ask you this. Did he come to you to discuss his concerns about your relationship?”

She shrugged. “Sort of. He asked if I thought we could,” she crooked her fingers in air quotes, “‘make things work’ with him traveling all the time. I thought he was asking about my level of commitment to our marriage and how much I missed him. I never guessed it was his commitment that was in question.”

I stared at her with my mouth hanging open before I snapped it closed. “He never told you he was feeling disconnected? That he thought your marriage was in real trouble?”

“Never. In fact, I now realize he was hiding a lot of things from me.”

“There you go. Despite what comic book writers include in their stories, no one can actually read minds. You have to actually tell people what’s going on with you.” I grabbed a bottle of water from the cooler and cracked open the lid.

“Hey, sis,” Grayson said, startling me as he moved one of the red chairs to sit next to me. “It looks like I’m late for the parade.” His snug button-front navy shirt with white stars looked appropriately festive.

“You missed the high school marching band and the unicycles,” I told him.

Grayson dropped into the chair. “Damn. I’m usually here in time for the unicycles. Did anyone fall?”

I gave him the side-eye. “Is that the only reason you like that part? You know, if you showed up a half-hour earlier, you’d get to see the whole thing.”

He pulled off his dark blue Pitt ball cap, ran his hand through his hair, and then settled it back in place, adjusting the brim to shade his eyes. “That would mean waking up earlier on a Saturday morning than I do on weekdays, and that’s not happening.”

“Poor baby,” I commiserated. “The trials and tribulations of being a university professor sound grueling.”

“Hey, I resemble that remark.” He shot me a wink. “I’ll have you know, I normally work until one in the morning. I deserve to sleep in with that sort of schedule.”

With a pang of perverse longing, I recalled keeping a similar timetable when Destiny and I were trying to hit deadlines. These days, I was usually asleep by ten so I could get up early and walk Zephyr before I opened the store.

“Do you remember Lianna?” I asked.

“Sure.” Grayson tossed a friendly wave in her direction. “Good to see you.” He tipped his chin toward the two other empty lawn chairs. “Where are the parents?”

“Inside. Mom’s busy perfecting brunch and Dad got a call from the hospital.”

Grayson’s smile faded. “Does he have to go in?”

“Yeah. It sounds like it’s someone who lives in Sewickley.”

“Heart attack?”

“I think so.”

“I’ll try to catch him before he leaves.” Grayson stood. “Save my seat.” He ruffled my hair, and I knocked his hand away. He wore a grin as he jogged toward the front door.

“Your brother is cute,” Lianna said, watching him.

“Don’t worry. He knows it.” I dragged my fingers through my hair to smooth it back in place. The sun was really beating down and made my dark hair hot to the touch. “Enough about him, back to you. How are things going? Are you and Paul on speaking terms?”

“Not hardly. He hasn’t even apologized. I don’t think he cares that he hurt me. Did I ever really know the man?”

That stunned me. Unfortunately, it also fed directly into my own fears about ever being in a relationship again. “What will you do?”

“Divorce him. I’ve already contacted a lawyer.”

That took me by surprise. “So soon?”

Her lips thinned. I could see her pain clearly. “I can never trust him again. Not after he lied to me for so long.”

That made perfect sense to me. Lies were the worst sort of poison. They infiltrated all your memories, making you doubt everything that had ever happened in your relationship. Making you feel like a fool. “What about Paul? Is he on board with that?”

“When I mentioned divorce, he acted like it was a foregone conclusion.” Pain shimmered in her eyes.

“Ouch. That must have hurt. No pushback at all?”

Lianna shook her head decisively. “Nope. Nada . He gave up. Simple as that.”

I stared at her, stunned. “That sucks in all kinds of ways.”

“Yeah.” Lianna watched a guy in the parade wearing black leather gloves do a series of backflips and cartwheels down the center of the street. “It would have been nice if he’d fought for us, but I guess it was too much to ask, considering he threw everything away so easily.”

“He’s an idiot.”

A wavering smile flitted across Lianna’s face. “That he is.”

A group of bagpipers approached with their pipes blaring. Men in kilts were always a treat.

“Mara!” A middle-school girl in a tartan skirt—one of my regulars—broke away from the marchers and handed me a Tootsie Pop.

“Thanks!” I shouted back to be heard over the bagpipes.

Lianna plucked the red Tootsie Pop out of my hand and unwrapped it. “Tell me more about you and Ford. I want to believe in romance again.”

I scowled at her for snagging my treat. “He’s amazing. Sometimes I wonder if he’s too amazing. His accomplishments are pretty impressive.”

Lianna sucked on my lollipop—her lollipop now—for a moment as she considered the question, then she pulled it from her cherry red lips with a smacking sound to speak. “Interesting. What about him makes you feel… intimidated?” Her breath smelled like cherries.

I threw up my hands in frustration. “His fame? His lifestyle? That fact that he could have any Hollywood starlet he wants, but he’s with me?” The knot in my stomach started to tighten again. “The two of us together doesn’t make any sense.”

“Mara…. Why can’t you see what’s special about you? You’re an amazing woman. Kind. Funny. Intelligent. Beautiful. Level-headed. A great friend. Compassionate. He’s lucky he found you. You should judge him based on the way he makes you feel when you’re with him. Does he make you feel as though you could conquer the world? Does he give you confidence? Are you your best self when you’re with him?”

I could only stare at her. “Yes. I think I am.”

“Then you have your answer. He’s a good guy.”

A tight band of tension that had been stifling me the past few days suddenly eased. Until that moment, I hadn’t even realized it had been there.

Grayson came back with Mom. He grabbed a bottle of water from the cooler and sat next to me. Mom took the spot next to Lianna.

“I hear Ghost of a Chance is a great place to buy Indie comics,” Grayson commented. “Your reputation is spreading with the college crowd. Congrats.”

I rotated in my chair to face my brother. “Say that again?”

He grinned. “I overheard some students raving about your store. I thought you’d want to know.”

“See?” Lianna said. “You’re growing your reputation. You just need to give it time.”

“With you running it, that place is bound to be a success,” Mom said.

Her praise felt good, but still I muttered, “Not according to Dad.”

Mom rolled her eyes. “Your father worries about you. The only way he knows how to show his love is by helping you avoid problems before they happen. Unfortunately, that means he’s constantly second-guessing every decision you kids make. He’s coming from a place of love. He only wants to keep you safe.”

Grayson gave a snort of disbelief. “By undermining us?”

“By watching out for you. He’s trying to make sure you kids don’t fail.” Mom held up her hand. “I know, I know—he goes about it the wrong way. Try to remember his heart is in the right place.”

“I didn’t know he had a heart,” Grayson muttered under his breath so Mom couldn’t hear.

I grinned and bumped shoulders with him.

“I’m proud of you, Mara,” Mom told me. “You’ve done an amazing job. Chance would have been thrilled.”

Overwhelmed, I soaked up her kudos. I needed those positive words from her like a parched field needed rain. I’d made sacrifices to keep Chance’s dreams alive, and it was good to know at least one of my parents acknowledged that fact.

“Besides,” Mom continued, “I can’t even begin to tell you how happy I am that you moved here from Boston. It means the world to me that you live nearby.”

Grayson slung his arm around my shoulders and planted a loud kiss on my cheek. “Me too, sis. It’s great having you around.”

I glanced at him, surprised by his show of support, but something about the glint in his eye and his broad grin seemed incongruous.

A moment later, frigid water spilled down my back. I let out a shriek as I shoved him off me. I jumped to my feet and whirled on him as my chair toppled back. “You can be such a jerk sometimes!”

His grin deepened. “But you still love me, don’t you, Captain America?”

I glanced down at my t-shirt, and all my anger evaporated. Finally, one of my family members had correctly identified my t-shirt. It was as though Chance was right here with us.

I tried to scowl at Grayson for the prank but failed. Instead, I righted my chair, sat back down, and grabbed the water bottle from his hand. “You’re just lucky it’s a hot day,” I grumbled, hiding my smile behind the raised water bottle, “or I’d have had to kick your ass for that.”

Where had all my stress and angst about today gotten me?

Nowhere. All my stress and anxiety had gotten me nowhere.

And maybe that was the lesson here—sometimes, I needed to let go of trying to predict every disaster before it happened—to stop emulating Dad’s habit of predicting bad news. Ford was good at that. He rolled with the punches, adapted. Maybe it was time for me to learn that skill too. After all, the worst thing in my life had already happened, and I never saw it coming.