Chapter 19
NINETEEN
I snagged my keys on the way out the door. My phone was in my back pocket, but it was off. I wasn’t stupid enough to go out without it, but I didn’t want to talk to anyone. All the voices were too confusing.
Sage and her effervescent positivity.
Seth and his seductive laugh rolled in innuendo and faint promises.
Laurie and her wide smiles and happiness.
All of it was too much. I didn’t know which to trust, especially when my own voice was so very silent. Tucked in like a turtle in front of a predator. The problem was, I didn’t know where to turn, so the shell seemed prudent. Only my shell was Seth’s house.
Again.
This one—one of the half dozen properties his family owned on the cove—wasn’t often used.
It was known as the Mistress House after one of the Hamilton men who kept his affairs away from the main house.
Hell, Seth’s dad may have done that too.
Now it mostly lay empty and served as one of the few places I could be alone in this town.
The small-town vibe of everyone in and out of each other’s business was generally a comfort to me, but right now, every person I ran into wanted to know when Seth and I were going to get married and make babies.
How that little tidbit had gotten around, I had no clue. But I figured a certain blond might have something to do with it. The diner was the center of the town in more ways than one, and remarking on Seth’s skills in the sack to several patrons certainly hadn’t helped my cause.
Not that it mattered. No one could actually have a fling in this town.
Even if the mere idea of a fling and Seth in the same sentence made my chest tighten.
He’d never been that for me, even when I wanted him to be. When the idea of making a kid with him took hold, there’d been little hope for my heart to truly stay mine. It had always been his, but only I’d known it. That had been somehow easier than this.
All my dreams and happiness were wrapped up in his little girl and the man himself. I wasn’t sure I could face all of that again. Loving him could be the one thing that would actually break me.
I hiked up the grassy hill into the trees and the path that rounded Crescent Cove.
The house was beautiful, but not as pristine as the other Hamilton holdings.
But that didn’t much matter when it came to the view.
The lake, the town, and the little gazebo looked picturesque from this vantage point.
The sun glittered off the lake. No mirror sheen here.
No, our cove was choppy and a bit wild. It suited me right to the ground.
The idea of moving out of Crescent Cove killed me.
Because if things didn’t work out between us, I’d have to leave.
I wouldn’t be able to face seeing him in town.
My hand slid over my flat belly. Especially if there was a child growing inside me.
Would he get what he wanted and be done with me?
Or just keep me around in a mother capacity?
Would I be forever on the outside looking in?
I honestly wasn’t sure how I was going to do that. Even though I wanted a family so very much, I wasn’t sure I could take half-measures now.
I’d hiked these hills for days and still couldn’t find an answer. So many fears churned inside me, and they were often the loudest voices of all.
Looking away from the town and the water, I caught sight of the little abandoned church on the far side of the cove. The only thing there now was the cemetery. The town had taken the church in the center square as their own many years ago, but the cemetery had always been up away from the lake.
I hadn’t been there since we’d buried my mom that one sunny day. I’d been at peace about her leaving me. Mostly because the woman I’d loved had left long before. Even at the end when her body had turned on her so completely, she’d had a sweet smile until the very end.
She just hadn’t been my mom.
I ducked through the trees and up the less used path to the little church.
There was an old dirt road that the processionals used, but I didn’t want to drive.
The stretch of muscles and the sun helped the nausea that had been living inside me for the last week.
Another thing I wasn’t quite ready to face.
As evidenced by the plastic bag tucked away in my knapsack at the Hamilton camp. The one burning a hole in the worn canvas.
I’d traveled two towns over to buy it, visiting a nearby city where no one knew who I was. I’d wrapped the box in two bags and shoved it deep down. Fitting since all I ever did was shove things down so I didn’t have to look at them.
It was getting really tiresome.
I lifted my face to the sun and uncapped the water bottle at my hip. Even if I didn’t want an answer just quite yet, I wasn’t stupid. A few signs might add up to nothing. Or a damn lot.
One of those signs was that a few hours in the summer sun could put me down like a puppy. So I guzzled down half the bottle and stuck it back in its little holster. I kept hiking, taking a shortcut up across the path instead of using the lazy walking trail.
Right then, it felt more important to get to the little hill under the Japanese maple at the far side of the cemetery.
The headstones came into view and my chest ached.
I ran my fingertips over the old stones at the front.
The mausoleum to the left with Hamilton engraved across the top told the history of our town better than any story in the library.
Huge. Moneyed. Overwhelming.
I turned away from the testament to privilege and status and headed toward the edges of the cemetery where the plots were smaller, but no less taken care of.
I aimed right for the ivory angel standing guard over my mom’s grave.
She was small and fairy-like beside the simple marker with her name and the dates.
I brushed away the leaves and tugged out a few weeds before dropping cross-legged in front of her headstone.
“Hi, Mom.”
I didn’t even know what I really wanted to say, but it felt good to say hello.
I cleared my throat. “I hope you can hear me. Even if you can’t, I’ll just pretend.
I’m good at that.” I dashed away a tear I hadn’t realized was rolling down my cheek.
“So I did a thing. I swore I wouldn’t, but I did it anyway.
I didn’t mean to. Honestly. I look back now and wonder how I lasted as long as I did.
Actually, that’s probably one more lie I’ve told myself.
” I laughed before leaning forward to brush away dust on the base of her headstone.
“I love him, Ma. So much that it scares the crap out of me. Like my chest feels overfull with it. And his little girl? God. She’s the sweetest thing.
She’s gotten so big since you’ve seen her. ”
I dashed away another tear. “I think you’d remember her. Seth used to bring her to see you, but I know the stuff they gave you had you really out of it.”
But I remembered the smiles. Whenever Laurie came over, there was always a smile on my mom’s face. Of course, that little girl brought sunshine with her everywhere.
My little girl.
She was mine for all intents and purposes.
Just like Seth.
I bowed my head as the tears kept flowing.
They didn’t hurt though. Crying finally felt freeing.
“I miss you so much. Sage is good to talk to for most of this mess I’m in, but I miss crawling up next to you on the couch and letting you play with my hair while you told me everything was going to work out.
Because I’m so afraid it won’t. I’m not sure I could bear it if he doesn’t feel the same. ”
But it really felt like an empty fear. There was so much in my head. The touches, the laughter, the little moments with Laurie.
And then me running.
Always running away when things got too big, felt like too much.
Instead of staying to see how things went, I escaped before the answers could hurt me.
I tipped my head back to the sun and the breeze lifted my hair to whip my ponytail around. I laughed and brushed back the tears. “Okay, I got it.”
If I didn’t stick around, I wouldn’t have to face reality.
The reality of asking for more. Of deserving more. I brushed my hand over my middle. For hoping for more.
“I think I’m finally creating a family of my own, Mom.” I huffed out a laugh when the breeze whirled around me and leaves danced. “I know I am.” I pressed my palm to the cool marble stone. “I know you always loved him. And you probably knew I did this whole time too.”
I sniffed as the tears dried and the sun peeked from the clouds that were ever present thanks to the lake. I spun around and leaned against my mother’s headstone and let the sun soak into my bones. It was peaceful here and that feeling had been a rare commodity in my life lately.
When a handful of people came to pay their respects to their own families, I stood and brushed off my pants. I kissed my fingertips and touched the angel then the marker. “Keep watch over her.”
I went for the winding road this time. Then followed it down to the little picnic area to feed the bold ducks who swarmed the children. By the time I’d gotten to the little cabin I’d been hiding in, I was finally hungry.
I climbed the back steps to the kitchen and unearthed the peanut butter crackers I’d brought with me. It was the only thing that didn’t seem to annoy my touchy stomach.
Cleaning up was definitely in order. I was dusty from the trails and sweaty from the sticky humidity clinging to the air.
I grabbed my bag on my way down the hall to the small room with black and white tiles.
My shower was infinitely more luxurious.
The bathroom in the apartment I shared with Sage—sort of, considering I spent most of my time with Seth or working—had two shower heads and steamed up to a life-changing level.
But the ancient claw-footed tub would do for today.
In fact…