Chapter 9 Play by the Rules…of the Game, I Mean #2
I look away, embarrassed by the fact that I was convinced this was a good idea only five seconds ago. “Sorry, sometimes I forget people can’t read my mind and don’t have the context I do. I just—you look like you need a hug, but I totally get it if you mind—”
“I don’t,” she interrupts quickly. Then she relaxes. She gestures for me to join her on the bed, which I do, but not without a very necessary blush coloring my cheeks because of her eyes on me. She takes in each of my movements. I get closer until, finally, I have my arms around her.
It’s weird but also nice. Something I’m not used to but would like to be. She rests her head on my shoulder and hugs me back, and even though there’s still quite a bit of space between the two of us, I feel like this is the closest I’ve been to someone in ages.
“I’m forcing you to be my friend now, you know,” I tell her, feeling her heartbeat against my chest.
To my own surprise, she doesn’t protest. “Okay,” she whispers as she lets me hug her. When we both let go, she avoids my gaze, simply saying, “Your turn.”
I take a deep breath, resetting the timer before delving into the story of my own life.
“Once upon a time, there was a girl with too big of a heart,” I tell Sierra, following the same format she did.
Somehow, opening up about my life as if it’s a story makes it easier.
Less real. “It might seem like a gift, to be able to feel everything so deeply, but to her, it was a curse. Because while her brother, her other half, fit into the world effortlessly, every small thing was a big struggle for her, and though she would never be upset with him for that, she became mad at…herself. Why, if he could so easily make friends and have conversations and be normal, couldn’t she?
“A few years passed in which the girl held her breath so the people around her couldn’t see her heart beat.
She didn’t care that it meant suffocating herself.
Or at least, that’s what she told herself and her therapist. But the latter saw right through her and told her she’s autistic and that she’s far from alone in that.
“Those words didn’t matter to the girl at first. They didn’t solve her problem at all. But then she spent the summer in a new place and took a risk: She opened up her heart for the people there. Eventually they made her realize she had started her story all wrong. So…maybe I should rephrase it.
“Once upon a time, there was a girl with a big heart, and though the many judgmental people around her made it seem like a curse, it was a gift. Because, as she realized, it’s what made her her.” I smile a little. “Though I suppose that ending is still a work in progress.”
Now that I’m done, I wait for Sierra to tell me it was weird or ridiculous or just plain crazy of me to hold in my breath for so long, but instead she says, “You’ll get there.
” She inhales deeply. “I’m sorry people made you feel like you had to do all that, though.
I know it’s easier said than done, but you don’t have to prove to them that you’re worthy. You know that, right?”
I look away. “I do have to, though. If I want to get through my senior year without too much drama, I’m going to need to prove I’m not as boring as Daniel told everyone I am. So I need to win him back.”
“Oh” is Sierra’s initial reaction to that. She stares at me for a full ten seconds before mumbling, “God, what an asshole. I seriously don’t know how you put up with him for, like, half a year. Or more importantly: why.”
I almost tell her that I felt like dating Daniel was something I was supposed to do, something I was expected to do because a cute boy was showing interest in me.
But I bite my tongue just before the words slip out.
Saying that would make it sound like I don’t actually want to be with Daniel, which is not the vibe I want to give her—or anyone, for that matter.
In the end, I just shrug, hesitating before I say, “The two of us make sense together.”
But even at that answer, Sierra shakes her head. “No, you really don’t. I mean, a week ago I probably would’ve said you did. You’re the popular girl and he’s the popular guy and all, but…no. Just no.”
My heartbeat picks up in my chest, as if it’s trying to run away from someone—from something.
I don’t want to know what Sierra means by this, don’t want to hear her say that she realized I’m not the perfectly nice girl she thought I was.
I don’t want her to tell me that I’m not worthy of a guy who’s as well-liked as Daniel, and yet I find myself asking, “What changed between a week ago and today?”
Now it’s Sierra’s turn to shrug. “You’re just not who I expected you to be. Unlike the crowd you hang out with, you actually give a shit about other people.”
Sierra’s lips part to tell me something else, but she’s interrupted by loud laughter coming from outside, where people are enjoying today’s break in the sun. It’s weird. I almost forgot there was a world still spinning beyond this room. A world beyond Sierra and me.
When the giggles fade, all she says is “Next question, then? Tell your partner what you like about them. Be very honest this time, saying things you might not say to someone you’ve just met.”
She puts the phone down, leaning back curiously as she waits for me to give her my opinion.
“Well,” I say, trying my very best to hold her gaze, “I like your honesty. Whenever I talk to you, there’s no nonsense or pretending. You just say what you mean, which is something I really, really admire.”
Sierra nods. “Thank you. That’s really nice of you to say.”
“I’m not done yet, Sierra,” I let her know.
“In fact, that’s only the beginning of what I admire about you.
Like I said, you’re honest, but you also know when to mind your own business and let people live their lives.
You are thoughtful and accepting and funny, and there’s something comforting about your presence that I can’t really explain but appreciate so much.
You just…calm me down, in a way.” I look away from her intense brown eyes, focusing on my hands instead, which I’m intertwining nervously in my lap.
“But most of all, I like that you’re a wonderful person.
Even with all your grumpiness and sarcasm and sharp edges, you are kind.
Not deep down; I don’t have to search for your kindness.
It’s just there because that’s who you are. ”
I feel Sierra’s eyes burning right through my skin, but for some reason I can’t lift my head to meet her gaze again. After a bit of silence, she softly asks, “Are you done now?”
I nod, waiting for her to say my rambling was too much or that I got her all wrong, but the thing she tells me instead is “I like how much you care.”
At that my head snaps back up, and I look her in the eyes. “What?”
“I said I like how much you care,” she repeats, voice soft.
Genuine. “About everything. You deeply care about your brother and your friends and all the other people around you, even if they don’t deserve you sometimes.
Most of the time, actually. You’re funny and literally the best example of a good person I’ve ever met. ”
She opens her mouth, then closes it, only to part her lips again and say, “In all honesty, I’m not that good with words, but just know there’s so much to like about you.
The real you. I don’t think you should hide that person at school anymore.
You like my honesty, right?” Once I’ve nodded again, she takes a deep breath and continues, “Then I’ll just say it: The people at school are always going to find a way to say shit about you.
No matter how perfect you are, they will find something to complain about.
Look at Daniel, for example.” She huffs in frustration, mumbling something that sounds a lot like “that asshole” under her breath.
“You were the ideal girlfriend every guy always says he wants. Practically a manic pixie dream girl. You didn’t complain, didn’t ask for a lot of attention, and, well, look at you,” she says, looking anywhere but at me as we both blush.
“You were everything guys like him ask for, yet he still dumped you and called you boring in front of half the school. Nothing you do will ever be good enough for people like that, but that doesn’t mean that you aren’t.
You are good enough,” she says, meeting my gaze again and leaning in to show me how sincere she is.
“In fact, I think you’re fucking fantastic. ”
I hear her words perfectly, but it takes a little longer for their meaning to hit me.
“Oh.” I breathe out then, feeling like she just found the key to my heart and handed it to me instead of taking advantage of it.
If I still knew how to cry, I’d probably burst into tears right now, but that’s something I haven’t been able to do in three years.
“How did you know exactly what I needed to hear?”
I don’t expect her to actually answer that question, but she does, shrugging. “I didn’t know. I just wanted to tell you the truth.”
A few more questions on the list pass just like that, until we finally reach number thirty-six.
A silence fills the space between us now that the very last question has been answered, but for some reason, I’m not freaked out by it.
I don’t want to run from this because there’s an understanding in the air between us.
Like she knows me and I know her and there’s nothing we need to do except just be in each other’s presence.
It’s comfortable. New. Exciting, in a way. And I think that maybe…maybe it wasn’t so ridiculous of SMASH! to team the two of us up after all.