Chapter 16 Live, Laugh, Love Like There’s No Tomorrow
By the time I wake up, feeling much better, everyone else is asleep.
I almost let out a loud groan at how pathetic it is that I wasted my final moments of summer camp by sleeping, but then I realize it’ll disrupt the others. I can’t wake everyone else up. No matter how tempting it is to have a late-night chat to make up for the time I’ve lost, I don’t think I can.
So I try to close my eyes again…but then someone else groans. Or rather, something else.
“Wake up,” Yasmeen whispers, carefully tapping Sloane’s shoulder to make sure she doesn’t startle.
Maya simply turns on the lights. A bit too ruthless for my liking, but definitely effective.
“What’s going on?” I ask, squeezing my eyes shut because of the bright light. “Isn’t it, like, the middle of the night?”
“It’s exactly twelve a.m., yes,” Maya confirms a little too happily, at which Veronica lets her head fall back onto her pillow.
“Don’t go back to bed yet!” Maya protests, looking at us with puppy eyes even though Veronica can’t see that with her head burrowed in her pillow.
“It’s our last night together! We have to do something fun! ”
“But consider this: Sleeping is fun,” Veronica tells them, voice muffled by the pillow.
She turns around so she’s lying on her back.
“And besides, aren’t you two supposed to be in your cabins right now?
I thought we aren’t allowed to leave them past ten p.m.” She directs the last part at Yasmeen, likely not wanting another chaotic answer from Maya.
“Yeah, we’re supposed to be sleeping, too, but this one”—she looks at Maya—“won’t let me until I convince all of you to sleep under the stars with us.” Yasmeen sighs. “So? What do you say?”
Sloane’s tired eyes widen. “There’s no way we’ll get away with that. Adrian is always the first to wake up, so even if no one hears us right now, he’ll find us in the morning.”
“We’ve set an alarm for five a.m., so we’ll go back to our cabins then,” Yasmeen explains, clearly having thought this through.
“And from what I know about Adrian, he probably wouldn’t care that much even if he found out.
” She looks at Sierra then, pulling an awkward face. “No offense to your father.”
Sierra snorts. “None taken. You’re right, actually.”
It’s quiet for a second as everyone considers if this is a good idea. And maybe it isn’t, but as I think about the fact that we have less than twelve hours left together, I can’t help but want to make every single second count.
“I’m down,” I tell them, surprising myself most of all.
“Same,” says Sierra, and then, after a beat of hesitation, Sloane nods, too.
“Okay.”
Now all eyes are on Veronica. “Ugh, fine,” she groans, noticing our staring. “But if I don’t get enough sleep, you will all have to deal with my moodiness tomorrow.”
“We’re quite experienced with that by now,” Sloane says, grinning as Veronica glares at her.
Before we all go to the beach to sleep under the stars, Maya quickly runs back to their own cabin to grab something, and the rest of us drag Liam and Noah out of bed and grab our sleeping bags. When we reunite with Maya, they’re carrying the biggest bucket full of candy I’ve ever seen.
Yasmeen is the most flabbergasted of us all. “Where have you been hiding that thing all this time? It’s bigger than your head!” she exclaims.
But Maya just says ominously, “A magician can never reveal their tricks…” They grab a handful of candy and offer it to us. “Candy?” Maya asks, and that’s all it takes for us to drop the mystery.
I put a gummy bear or two or three in my mouth as we walk to the beach. Once there, we all settle down in the sand with our sleeping bags, turning on the flashlights on our phones so we can at least sort of see each other’s faces. In the middle of our group, the massive bucket stands.
We all grab a piece of candy, holding them in the air as if to toast. “To our last few unforgettable hours together!” Maya says, and everyone cheers, although there’s a bittersweet taste to it.
Liam doesn’t participate in our half-depressing cheer.
Instead he lets out a frustrated groan at the reminder that we’re leaving tomorrow.
“Enough of this misery, please! This isn’t the end!
” they say, and though they try to hide it, I watch them swallow in the faint light of our phones.
“We’re not in the Last Supper or some other…
tragedy, okay?!” he tells us, picking his phone up out of the sand and beginning to type frantically.
A few moments later, my own phone buzzes, and so do those of my friends.
“We live in the twenty-first century, y’all. There’s this magical thing called a group chat in which we can all talk to each other whenever we want,” Liam explains. “I get that this feels like the end, but it really isn’t.”
It’s quiet again for another second before Veronica speaks. “How the fuck did you even get my number?” she asks, looking at her phone screen.
Liam’s eyes widen in panic before they cross their arms over their chest protectively. “Not right now, Veronica. Our time is ticking.”
I take a deep breath, straightening my back as I say, “Liam does have a point. We should definitely keep in touch outside of camp. We will, but that doesn’t mean I’m not going to miss all of this.
” I gesture to everything around us—the cabins and the counselors in the distance and even the peaceful atmosphere that’s still to be found in the air between us, right here. In Bloomdale.
Sierra raises her eyebrow at me. “Are you saying you are going to miss the sand?” she asks.
“Okay, maybe not everything,” I correct myself, a laugh almost breaking through my sadness. Almost. “Living in our little bubble together, though? Yeah, I’ll miss that.”
Liam looks down at his feet. “Fair enough. Same here,” they admit. “But I don’t want this night to turn into some goodbye already. Please, let’s just enjoy it like there’s no tomorrow, okay?”
So we do.
I would say sleeping under the night sky together was a great idea, but so far not a lot of sleeping has actually occurred for me.
Everyone is quiet, and to my own surprise, the ground I’m lying on isn’t that hard. In theory, I could easily fall asleep here, but whenever I close my eyes, I find myself opening them again a few seconds later.
I toss and I turn and I try. I really, really, really do try to sleep, but there’s just too much energy in my body that needs to go somewhere else first. So that’s why I end up doing something I never in a million years thought I’d do: I decide to go for a walk at three in the morning.
I get up slowly, careful not to wake up any of the people lying around me. Maya does groan at some point, but since they don’t say anything, I assume it’s just because of something that happened in their dream.
I glance back at the group one more time, just to make sure they’re asleep, and then, with nothing but my phone in my pocket and my earbuds playing music in my ears, I leave.
Thanks to the soft song that starts playing and the beautiful view above me, my heart rate finally slows down.
As is to be expected at an hour like this, there’s no source of light except for the full moon hanging in the sky, surrounded by dozens of stars.
From where I’m standing, they’re nothing more than tiny dots breaking through the darkness, yet I’m unable to take my eyes off them.
I continue walking in a straight line, completely at peace as I look up at the night sky. That is, until a hand suddenly grips my wrist.
I spin around, my heart beating out of my chest again. “Where the hell are you going?” the person holding on to me hisses, her familiar voice soothing despite her harsh tone.
“Sierra.” I sigh in relief and take out an earbud. “Thank god. I really did see my life flash in front of me for a few seconds.” I laugh.
I can barely see her face in the darkness, but I’m still able to make out her frown. “Where are you going?” she repeats, loosening her grip on me, but only a little bit.
I look down at my feet. “I couldn’t sleep, so I thought it’d be a good idea to take a quick walk. To clear my head and get rid of some adrenaline and all that.”
She doesn’t say anything for a few moments. I’m already half convinced she’s decided to just silently judge me when she clears her throat. “That’s a horrible idea, actually. Mind if I join?” she asks.
I blink once, twice, thrice before a smile finds its way to my face. “You know I’d never dare say no to your company.”
We start walking next to each other, our footsteps syncing as we go farther and farther away from the rest of the group.
“So,” Sierra starts, her shoulder bumping into mine ever so slightly.
My breathing catches at the realization that this is the first time Sierra and I have been truly alone since my conversation with Noah.
Since I discovered that the way I feel around her isn’t exactly purely platonic.
“So,” I repeat after Sierra. Then I take a deep breath. “Listen,” I quickly say, “I’m sorry if I freaked you out earlier. With my meltdown and all.”
Sierra shakes her head. “You literally have nothing to be sorry for,” she insists. “Seriously.”
“It’s just…you didn’t ask for any of that.”
She raises her eyebrow at me. “Neither did you.”
“But that’s different. You know, since I’m the one who—”
“Ellie,” she says. Her tone is so resolute that I have no choice but to believe every single word that leaves her mouth.
“I mean it. I said I wanted to be there for you a week or so ago, and that doesn’t just mean when you’re happy or when you have something to give to me.
The only person I’m upset with right now is myself. ”
She scans my face carefully, almost as if she’s searching for something. Her eyes reach my lips, and she gulps before she meets my gaze again.
“Why are you upset with yourself?” I ask. Her lips part, then close as she blinks at me again and again. As if she can’t believe I don’t know the answer to my question already. “I’m autistic, Sierra,” I remind her. “I’m not that good at reading between the lines.”
She looks away, shaking her head and snickering a little. “Right. My bad. I guess there are a few reasons, but mostly…I just wish I could’ve helped you when you were having your meltdown. The truth is, I don’t know a lot about autism.” Sierra sighs. “I’ve been doing some research, but—”
I stop her, feeling like my heart just squeezed upon hearing her words. “You’ve been doing research?”
“Well. Yeah,” she says, shrugging. Like it’s nothing.
And maybe, in reality, it kind of is the bare minimum—the least a friend of mine can do is learn how to help me during a meltdown—but right now it feels like she’s just handed me the world. Because outside of Noah and my parents, I don’t think anyone has ever done that kind of thing for me.
It’s kind of sad when I really think about it.
“I could literally kiss you on the mouth right now,” I tell Sierra, trying to let her know I’m grateful. But then she looks away, and I freeze at how awkward that comment is.
Great job, Eleanore.
Except Sierra looks just as flustered by the thought as I am. She’s blushing and can’t seem to meet my eyes anymore, which could mean…
Could it mean what I hope it means?
My voice comes out more high-pitched than usual as I quickly add, “Anyway. Autism is a really broad spectrum, so doing research on us is a little…complicated sometimes. It’s still good to google stuff to get a general idea of what to do, of course, but if you want to know what one specific autistic person needs, it’s best to always ask them since our needs truly differ. ”
“So…what do you need?” Sierra asks, still not looking at me.
I stare in the same direction she does, thinking about it for a moment. Then: “Depends on the situation. Sometimes I need someone to hold my hand or wrap me up in their arms and whisper that they’re here so I know I’m not alone. Other times, I need to lie down in a dark room all by myself.”
She nods, thinking it over. “And right now?”
“I—” I pause, then decide to take the risk. It’s now or never. “I want…you,” I admit, the confession nothing more than a whisper in the night.
“Well,” she says, finally meeting my eyes again, “here I am.”
I don’t say another word. Instead I take a step closer to her, gauging her reaction before leaning in to kiss her.
Her lips are soft against mine—just like her hands are as they find their way to my waist. I gasp at the feeling of Sierra’s fingertips on my exposed skin, and she takes the opportunity to deepen the kiss, tugging me closer, closer, closer until I’m pressed against her with no room left between us.
I don’t mind even a little bit.
This is everything I didn’t know a kiss could be, but most of all, it’s perfect.
Nothing about it is like how it was with Daniel.
This isn’t a kiss that I simply let happen to me, not a thing I have to tell myself will be over in a few seconds.
Rather, it’s something I’m not sure I’ll ever truly get enough of.
There are so many ways to describe this—new, exciting, fun, almost like being embraced by a thousand flames without burning—but then Sierra pulls away, putting an abrupt end to it.
“I don’t know if this is a particularly good idea when it comes to getting rid of the adrenaline in your body,” she says, her voice rushed and breathless.
She’s right, of course, but her hands are still on my waist, and my heart is beating so fast, and it’s already far too late now, so I quickly tell her, smiling, “Completely worth it.” Then I press my lips against hers again.
She pulls me closer to her once more, not needing me to repeat myself at all. I can’t help it. I smile into the kiss, and I keep on smiling long after it comes to an end.
Everyone is luckily still asleep when we return. The two of us settle back into our sleeping bags as quietly as we can, that smile still present on my face when she turns to me again.
“Good night, Sierra,” I tell her.
“Sweet dreams, Ellie,” she whispers right back, taking my hand in hers. I let her.
And I don’t know if I’m drunk on sleepiness or on my proximity to Sierra, but even as I lie awake for a little longer, under a sky full of stars, I don’t worry about what will come tomorrow for a single second.