Chapter 15 Carli
Carli
All human beings have three lives:
public, private, and secret.
— Gabriel García Márquez
The only light illuminating the dark, quiet roads out this side of town comes from my headlights and the glow of the moon. I pull right and drive down what used to be a farm access road, the bumpy terrain jostling my truck in an uneven rhythm.
Cody’s truck is pulled off in a clearing to the left, his low beams aimed out toward the unplowed field. He’s leaning on the door, looking up at the countless stars overhead. His head drops and he gazes at me through my windshield, his crooked smile tugging at me with unspoken promises.
The strangeness of this moment lands in my body—years of almosts, and now he’s here, looking at me like there’s no more doubt. I still can’t believe this is real.
My eyes never leave his. I depress the emergency brake and kill the engine.
Then I open my door and hop down.
The air is cool, pressing through my flannel shirt and the T-shirt underneath.
“Hey,” Cody says, pushing off the side of his truck and walking in my direction.
“Hey.”
Cody’s features are muted in the low yellow glow. My skin hums at his approach. Each step makes the moment more real.
“Did you find the place okay?” Cody asks, his hand reaching out to brush a piece of hair out of my face.
“I did,” I say, smiling up at him.
“Good. I’m glad.” Cody’s voice is warm, a softness and rasp to it I’ve never heard before.
He glances around into the dark night. “No one comes out here,” he assures me.
“Let’s hope not,” I say. “We’ve had enough close calls for one week.”
Even though we ate biscuits together just this morning, it feels like weeks have passed since then.
He draws me into a hug and I wrap my arms around his back, burying my face in his chest and breathing him in.
A night breeze blows across the field and I shiver.
“Cold?” Cody asks.
“A little.” I snuggle closer. “But you’re warm, so I’m not complaining.”
His chuckle vibrates under my cheek.
“Let’s get in the truck,” he says. “My heater works.”
“My heater works,” I defend, looking up at him.
Cody raises an eyebrow, then guides me to the passenger side of his truck.
He opens the door for me and his palm lands on the small of my back.
My nerves spark under his touch.
Cody and I have grown up around one another. We’ve hoisted one another onto hay bales, pushed one another off too. He’s never touched me this way, his eyes on mine, a combination of care and desire in his gaze.
I climb into the cab and Cody shuts the door behind me. He hops in the other side and turns the key. The heater blows warm on my feet.
I turn toward him, unsure what to do or say next.
We’re here. Now what?
“So …” we both say at the same time. Our shared laughter follows.
“Go ahead,” he says, his hand reaching over, popping the console up, transforming the front seats into one continuous bench.
“Impressive,” I tell him.
“It comes in handy,” he says with a smile, scooting away from the steering wheel into the center of the cab.
He’s not right next to me, but he’s close enough that I could kiss him.
“What were you going to say, Chuck?”
I laugh softly. Something about the nickname opens a hatch door to my childhood memories and to all the times he called me that.
“I honestly don’t know,” I admit.
“I just wanted you to know that kiss—the first one in your barn—wasn’t a mistake or an impulse.”
He picks my hand up, interlaces our fingers and brings our joined hands up to his mouth.
I think he’s going to kiss my knuckles, but he simply breathes his breath across them to warm me, and it’s a thousand times better than a kiss—the way he cares for all the little details, making sure I’m okay.
“That kiss was a little impulsive,” I tease him.
He laughs softly. “Yeah. Unplanned, for sure. Spontaneous. But not out of the blue. I’ve thought of kissing you plenty of times.”
“You have?”
I had wondered since that day—what led to the kiss on his part?
“I had thought of kissing you too,” I admit.
“Yeah?”
“Yeah. I’ve had a crush on you for years.”
May as well lay it all out there. He already knows I like him. I won’t tell him how much. But I can admit that my attraction isn’t new.
“Is it so hard for you to believe I’ve had feelings for you for a while too?” he asks.
I look up at him. His gaze is steady, unwavering.
“It’s a little hard to believe, yeah.”
“Well, then I’ve got a job to do convincing you.”
“You’re hired,” I tease.
He laughs again and a tightness in my chest loosens.
“So, I like you. And you like me,” he says, playfully. “And your brother will definitely murder me.”
“If your sister doesn’t murder you first,” I warn.
“There’d definitely be a bounty out on me if word of this gets out.” He sighs. “I don’t know how this works, Carli. I have no intention of backing off—unless you want me to.”
“I don’t.”
“Good.”
“Short of moving counties,” he says. “I guess we’re going to have to see how this goes while we keep things off the radar.”
“We have to make sure no one in either of our families finds out,” I say.
“For now,” he says, running his thumb over the back of my hand.
I smile over at him. This is one of the things I love most about Cody—the way he infuses hope and certainty into situations, and does it so effortlessly.
“And ranch life has to come first,” he adds.
“Hogs before snogs,” I say, laughing at my own joke.
“Did you seriously just say that?”
“I couldn’t think of a rhyme for cattle.”
He chuckles softly and then his tone turns more serious. “Our families need us.”
I nod. “They do. Jace especially, though he’ll be the last to admit it outright.”
“And I don’t think we should touch each other in public,” he says, running his thumb over my hand again.
“You mean like the way you tapped my foot under the table while we were at lunch with our friends?” I squeeze his hand lightly.
Cody chuckles. “Busted. But, to be fair, our feet were in private. The rest of us was in public."
"Ahhh, okay then. So no public-public touching. But private-public touching is okay?”
“You’re just going to make this hard on me aren’t you?” he asks with a grin.
I return his smile. My hand itches to reach out and run over the late-day stubble on his jaw.
“I’ll behave,” I promise him.
“Not too well, I hope,” he teases, giving my hand a light squeeze that I feel throughout my body.
He looks at me in that searching way that feels equal parts question and assurance.
Then he says, “If one of us gets uncomfortable or wants to tap the brakes, we pause—no questions asked. No hesitation.”
“Okaaayy,” I say, drawing the word out. “Do we need a built-in escape hatch?”
“Carli, I’m out here on an abandoned property in the dark of night just so I can grab up a few stolen moments together.
I have no intention of backing away from you.
But we have to be honest with ourselves.
We don’t know how this will go. We’ve only ever been friends and practically second family to one another. ”
“Let’s keep it at friends,” I say.
“Definitely not family,” he agrees. We both laugh lightly. “Anyway, it’s only prudent for us to leave room for the possibility that you might want to back out at some point.”
“Me?” I shake my head. “What about you?”
“I don’t see that happening.”
I don’t question him. The intensity in his expression floors me. But this is Cody. If he’s going to risk rocking the foundations of the connections between our families, he’s serious.
“That said, let’s not make any promises about the future,” he says. “Not yet. We deserve the chance to explore this without that kind of pressure.”
“So you want to see other people?” I sure hope not, but I have to ask.
“First of all, when would I have time to see another woman between my job, the ranch and McKenna’s wedding?” He raises a brow and tilts his head at me. “But even if I were unemployed and had all the time in the world, no. I’m not interested in seeing anyone else.”
“Me neither.” I never have been, but I don’t add that tidbit.
“Good,” he says. “Enough of that.”
“You don’t want to talk about rules all night?”
“Carli,” his tone holds warning and playfulness. Warning about what, I don’t know. But it makes me want to poke the bear.
Everything about this night so far is almost as unexpected as our barn kisses.
“You’re too far away from me,” he says softly.
I scoot over so I’m sitting closer.
“That better?” I ask
“Getting warmer,” he says, tugging the hand he’s still holding.
I ease closer, right next to him, so my thigh is touching his—settling against his side.
He tucks me in, wrapping an arm around my shoulder.
“I brought cocoa,” he whispers into the top of my head.
“And you’re just now divulging this?” I shake my head lightly, and it rubs on his chest.
I pull back. “One more rule, Cody Lawson. If you are ever in the possession of chocolate in my presence, making me aware of the chocolate is the first note of business, not the last.”
“I think the average person refers to this as dessert,” he says.
“It’s our fifth rule.”
“Agreed,” he says, shifting so he can reach behind himself into the back seat.
He pulls out a thermos, hands it to me and grabs two mugs.
“No more hiding my chocolate,” he promises.
“Okay,” I say.
“I’d feel the same way about your biscuits.”
I laugh. “Well, if I’m ever hiding biscuits, I’ll come clean,” I tell him.
“You can hide them from Luke, though.”
“Deal.” I smile.
Is he jealous of the way Luke fake flirts with me? The idea thrills me more than it should.
Cody pours us each a mug of cocoa. We sit side-by-side, our thighs touching, his arm around my shoulders, a song playing low on the radio, sipping our warm drinks and smiling at one another.
“I’ve got a big decision coming up,” he says into the warm space between us.
He turns to look at me, his eyes soft, brows drawn up together.
“What is it?”
“I haven’t talked to anyone about this—well, except Jace.”
“You can trust me,” I assure him.