Chapter 21 Stuck in the Middle
stuck in the middle
FRANKIE
“Dude, you’ve gotta stop touching it or it’s gonna look ridiculous!” Jay hisses.
“You’re telling me you don’t think it already looks ridiculous?” I grumble.
A fake moustache may very well be the most juvenile thing I’ve ever done, but I’m picking up the marriage license from city hall today, and I quickly went from completely relaxed to locking into pure panic-mode.
As a self-confessed introvert, the whole idea of notoriety makes me nauseous. People digging into your personal life, picking apart what you’re wearing, what you’re eating, and every word that comes out of your mouth sounds like my own personal version of hell…
Thank god I’m not famous, right? Well, at least that’s what I was thinking before Jay started running his mouth about the tabloids.
“Look, bro, unless you want to end up as the long-lost twin of Magnum PI on a bender, you’ve gotta chill. Just look at your phone or some shit!”
Apparently Huxley managed to get that photo from the HotGoss article removed to guarantee us a little bit more privacy, which I really appreciate, but…
It seems like it had already been screenshotted and shared a couple places.
Normally that probably wouldn’t be too bad, but unfortunately one of those places was the main Daphne Carmichael subreddit.
If there’s anything I know about Reddit, it’s how obsessed some of the users can get over their subjects, and now, well… that includes me too.
“What’s with the disguise, by the way?” Jay asks, snatching the moustache from me and applying some adhesive. “It seems a little… I don’t wanna be offensive or anything, duder, but it’s—”
“Insane?”
“Something like that, yeah,” he laughs. “Do you really think there’s going to be a horde of paparazzi in Emerald Bay, waiting right outside City Hall? Seems kind of unlikely.”
“I don’t know what to expect!” I shout, sounding a lot crazier than I had hoped. “Hence the whole disguise. I have no idea who’s prowling around, trying to catch a glimpse of Daphne… or me— look, I know it’s stupid.”
“Understatement of the century.”
I glare at him.
“I just want to protect Daph.”
I’m not even sure exactly when Jay and I became friends.
It started with a few jokes in the group chat, some collaborations on papers, and before I knew it, we were playing Call of Duty together, or shooting pool at the Hi-Dive until late into the night.
At first it was a little odd being that close to a student, but like…
he’s not even in my program, so it never really comes up.
Jay smiles, giving my shoulder a small squeeze.
“Your secret’s safe with me.”
“Yeah, after you pulled it out of me,” I snort.
I wasn’t even planning on telling him anything at all, but I’ve been so in my head with this stuff over the last couple days I ended up spilling the beans last night. The moment I gave him even the tiniest bit of info, it was all over.
Jay finally presses the mustache to my face, and I immediately gag at the stench. It’s horrific, something like burning plastic, or maybe one of those hefty chemical washes. I try not to breathe through my nose, but it doesn’t matter; I can already taste it in the back of my throat.
“Are you sure this is… like, safe? It’s not gonna burn my skin off?”
“It’s specifically for gluing on hair and shit, bro.”
He picks up a brown glass bottle, showing it off to me like it’s the perfect proof of his conviction. The label is about 70% rubbed off, and what’s left is faded to the point where I couldn’t read it if I tried.
“Piper’s used it for our Halloween costumes at least half a dozen times, quit being such a baby.”
“Did she use this specific bottle all those times, because—”
“Hey man, this was your idea, so if you want we can just take it all off.”
“No,” I sigh, getting to my feet. “Let’s just get this nightmare over with.”
I walk over to my chair, grabbing my black denim jacket and shrugging it over my shoulders and snatching up an old Toronto Raptors hat that Abi gave me a few years ago.
I don’t feel particularly confident in the disguise, already a little anxious about the whole thing, but then I look in the mirror.
“I look like fucking Waluigi.”
Yeah, that’s actually much worse than I thought.
“Oh, hey, you know what?” Jay chuckles, nodding as he takes a spot behind me. “I totally see it!”
He pulls out his phone and snaps a picture of the two of us.
“New wallpaper!”
“I feel like you’re supposed to be saying something encouraging right now,” I grumble.
“Waluigi isn’t anywhere near as shredded as you, bro.”
He claps me on the shoulder, giving it a firm squeeze.
“You know what, that’s…” I shake my head and sigh. “That’s actually pretty good.”
Emerald Bay City Hall is a cold and imposing looking building, with dark brick work, tinted glass, and emanating an overall unsettling aura. It feels oddly unwelcoming for a town like this, a place where everything is usually so crisp and clean.
“You haven’t told anyone else that Daphne and I are doing this, right?” I ask, glancing over at the passenger seat.
“Nope!” He grins. “Piper thinks I’m at the gym, never even questioned it. I do feel kinda bad lying to her though.”
“Well, you’ll have a very funny story to tell her after Daphne and I get divorced in a year.” I sigh, taking one last look up and down the block to make sure there are no photographers hanging around. “Alright, sit tight. I’ll be right back.”
But Jay’s already unbuckling his seatbelt.
“What? Bro, I’m obviously coming with you.”
“What?”
“You clearly need emotional support. You look like you’re on the lookout for assassins, I don’t even think you’ll make it up the steps.”
I flash him my best incredulous look.
“What are you even talking about?”
He raises his brow.
“You wanna take a look in the rear-view and tell me you’re handling this normally?”
I sigh. He’s… kind of right.
“Fine. But don’t make a scene, and don’t say anything. Capisce?”
“O Captain, My Captain!”
The lobby is smaller than I remember, and feels a lot less intimidating than I expected when we first walked in. It probably also helps that there’s basically no one here, save for the very bored looking receptionist, solely focused on filing her long, claw-like nails.
“Hi.” I lean up against the counter, flashing my best smile. “I filled out an online application for a marriage license? I’m coming to pick it up.”
She gives me a deadpan look, popping her gum and heaving a heavy sigh.
“Please present all forms of identification for verification, and the transaction number you were given when you filled out the application.”
“Uh, sure thing.”
I get the sense that she’s probably been doing this for a long time, and she’s none-too passionate about the gig. I don’t blame her. If I had to deal with the general public every day, I’d probably be miserable. Stupid doesn’t even begin to cover it when it comes to some people.
I pull up my email confirmation, handing it to her, along with my ID, but she flicks her head toward Jay.
“Sir, I need your identification as well—”
“No need,” I cut her off with a wave of my hand. “He’s just here for emotional support.”
“Yeah, he wishes he could bag me. Not even close.” He flashes the receptionist a big, cheesy grin. “You got any more of that gum?”
“Last piece, sweetheart. Sorry.”
The receptionist turns her attention to her computer, clicking away on her keyboard.
“Okay, I think I found you. Francis Anthony Hughes and… Daphne Sinead Carmichael?” She asks.
“Perfect, yes. That’s us.”
She slides my ID across her desk and glances down at it, frowning before picking it up and giving it a much closer look.
“This doesn’t really look like you.”
“Oh, I uh… The mustache’s new. I lost a bet..”
Out of the corner of my eye, I can see Jay’s shoulders shaking with laughter, but pay him no mind.
“Alrighty…” she sighs, clacking away on her keyboard before the big white printer behind her starts to hum.
“Here you are, Mr. Hughes. Please remember, you must get married within 60 days of this license being issued, or you’ll have to apply again.”
“Oh, that won’t be a problem,” I reply, taking the papers and hastily stashing them in my bag. “Thanks a lot!”
She nods, returning to staring off into the middle-distance as Jay and I make a swift exit. Relief rushes over me, along with the fresh breeze as I make my way outside the stuffy building, and I dig my phone out of my pocket.
ME
License secured!
DAPHNE
My hero! Thanks again for doing this.
ME
You’re very welcome. We still on for the carnival tonight?
DAPHNE
Absolutely! V hasn’t stopped talking about it since breakfast, and Hux is eager to get to know you.
I popped the question this morning, no pun intended, right before I had to dive into yet another department meeting. I figured it would be fun to blow off some steam, and Daphne was very receptive. Lord knows she could probably use a de-stressor.
ME
Oh, right, cool. That’s a great reminder to tack on some extra anxiety about impressing your family.
DAPHNE
They’re already impressed, don’t worry about it. We’ll see you at the courthouse, okay?
ME
I’ll be there, along with my fanciest suit jacket.
“Okay!” I shout, slipping my phone back into my pocket and drumming on the roof of the car. “I need to get this mustache off pronto. Please tell me you brought the shit that dissolves this adhesive.”
“Frankie, you wound me. Shit’s in my bag, ready to go.”
“Perfect.”
We climb back into the car and Jay digs a little tube of solvent out of his backpack.
“It’s like an oil, you just put on a few drops and it’ll do the rest.”
“How long does it take?”
I toss my hat onto the back seat, carefully dabbing a little bit on my fingers before massaging it into the mustache and surrounding skin.
“A couple minutes,” Jay replies, drumming on the dashboard. “Hey, you wanna grab a bite? I’m starving.”
“Yeah, sure. Something quick, though.”