Chapter 9
Sutton
I felt like a coward as I fled from Irish’s house.
But I couldn’t help it.
After what he said that he didn’t know how to do any of it, and with the things I gathered about his past, I was starting to see things clearly now.
And maybe, just maybe, he didn’t realize how I felt about him.
And I knew that was true.
With each minute that passed.
So, I would need to tell him, at the same time I showed him.
With a plan in place, I crawled into my bed at the clubhouse and fell fast asleep.
The next couple of days passed by in a blur. I saw Irish when I could, and nine times out of ten, I was fast asleep on his couch when he walked in the door.
Sometimes, that was where I slept after he carried Maisie to her bed.
But not once did he carry me to his.
As that thought crept into my head, I began to wonder if I had made Irish out to be more than what he really was.
He didn’t help me carry things.
He didn’t let me sleep beside him.
He fucked me perfectly.
And he was there if I needed him
And he had killed two men for me.
But everything else?
He was nothing like Coal, and Pipe was to Adeline and Gabby.
And yes, I knew that they were their ol’ ladies, but even before they made things official, they still treated them better than Irish did to me.
But my stupid heart didn’t care about any of that.
I sighed as I ran my hand through the little girl’s brown locks.
This right here was what every little girl dreamed of.
Having someone to be there for them.
To care for them.
To worry about any nightmares that may come for them in their sleep.
And to be there to chase them away.
I hadn’t realized that Irish was home when I heard, “Is she sleeping?”
I smiled up at him and nodded.
He nodded, then moved to lift her, but I tagged his forearm and whispered, “Can we talk once you lay her down.”
His eyes locked on mine; he took in a breath and nodded.
I waited on the couch for him to put Maisie in her bed.
When he came back, he toed off his boots and then sat down on the couch.
I waited for a beat, then I said, “Irish when I came to the clubhouse, I didn’t know anyone. Or hardly anything. I lead with my heart. But when I became a club girl, I had no clue what was going to happen. I just knew I needed a safe space. To be allowed to learn who I am outside of that hell. And the club gave me that. You gave me that, Irish. So, I get it. Okay. I do. After the things I’ve seen with you and how you are, I get it. But I need to tell you, even though I’ve tried my best to show you. I’m in love with you. Totally in love with you.”
He nodded.
He freaking nodded.
Umm. Okay.
What did that mean?
And then, he spoke, “You said that the concept of love was foreign to me, and you were right. I don’t know how to love anyone. Never been loved, so how the fuck would I know?”
“But you have been, Irish. By your club brothers and by me. And soon by that little girl.” I pleaded with him.
When he didn’t reply, I said, “I want you, Irish. I want all of you. We connect. We understand each other. When you walk in a room, my breath hitches. I close my eyes at night, and it’s you, I see. Do you know what I see when I look into your eyes? I see it all. I see everything. All my hopes. And all of my dreams. And I know you feel it, too. You have to.”
I waited after pouring my heart out to him.
And I waited.
And I waited.
I was about to open my mouth to plead even more until he took the dagger he’s always holding in his hand when it comes to me and plunged it into my heart, “I can’t give you an answer, Sutton. I just can’t.”
How could he not see that my heart was in tatters at his feet?
I took in a breath and nodded.
Then I stood up because if I didn’t get the fuck out of this house right now, I was going to scream.
And I would be damned if I woke Maisie up.
Then he called out, “Sutton?”
I took in a breath and looked at him, even when it hurt so fucking badly to do so.
“You’ll still be there for Maisie. Right?”
I smiled weakly, “Yeah.”
He whispered, “Thanks.”
I nodded, trying to hide the hurt, but there was nothing I wouldn’t do for that little girl, “Think nothing of it.”
***
We were at the clubhouse a week later, and if it hadn’t been a part of my contract for one more week, I wouldn’t have shown up.
But I was there.
Present and unwilling, but I was there.
Maisie was at my side coloring a picture when Irish walked over.
Ever since I had told him how I felt, he had been distant.
If it didn’t concern Maisie, we didn’t talk.
He lifted his chin, “Have you got her?”
I lifted a brow, “Yeah, why?”
He didn’t answer me.
No, all he did was nod and then head over to a certain table.
I felt my jaw drop.
Was he serious right now?
Surely, he wouldn’t…. my heart dropped right out of my chest as I watched him offer her his hand, and then she licked her lips, placed her hand in his, and let him lead her into the clubhouse.
“Sutton?”
I tore my eyes from the now-empty doorway and looked down at the sweetest girl to ever grace this world, even though he had literally just torn my heart from my chest, I asked, “Yeah, Princess?”
“I gotta potty.”
“Okay, sweet girl, let’s go potty.” She placed her hand in mine, and together, we headed into the clubhouse.
We returned to the courtyard and near the fire pit, all bundled back up underneath our blankets, when Asher took the chair to our right and asked, “Where’s your man at?”
I shrugged, “I don’t have a man.”
Asher scoffed, “Yeah, fucking right. That boy made it clear you’re his a few weeks ago when he laid Dawg out.”
“Well, I told him how I felt about him. Laid my heart out, and he told me he couldn’t say anything. That he just didn’t know.” I said through gritted teeth.
Seeing the arm that belonged to the man I wanted to call mine with every breath in my body curled around Cynammin’s body, I wanted to scream.
But that would upset Maisie, and that was something I wouldn’t allow to happen.
But something needed to change.
I just needed to get away for a little while. Figure out if I really wanted Irish in any way I could have him. And since I still had a week left on my contract, that would be up to Asher.
And with that thought firmly on my mind, I looked at Maisie, then I called out, “Asher?”
He looked at me and jerked his chin, “Right here, doll.”
I looked into his gray eyes, “Do actions really speak louder than words?”
He took a deep pull from his cigar, “Yeah, they fuckin’ do. Thought you knew that.”
I shrugged, “I figured. I just wish my heart didn’t feel as though someone took a pair of pruning shears to it. Ripped into it. And shredded it.”
He growled, “Why?”
“Cause, Irish asked me if I had Maisie. And when I said that I did, like I always do, he went to her.”
I didn’t need to explain who the her was.
He knew.
Everyone knew.
“That fuckin’ boy. He’s going to fuck up and fuck up huge, and when he does, he’s going to have nobody to blame but himself.”
And when I saw how Pipe held onto Gabby and Coal held onto Adeline, I asked, “Think you can make some calls to another club for me? Not as a club girl. But just somewhere safe for me to gather my thoughts and get away from here?
Asher sighed, “Normally, I wouldn’t do this kiddie shit. But he’s made his own bed. It’s time for him to lie in it.”
I chuckled softly, “Kiddie shit?”
“Yeah, girl likes boy. Boy knows it. Boy thinks with his dick. Hurts the girl. Kiddie shit.”
I chuckled softly again, fighting back the tears that wanted to streak down my cheeks.
I knew Asher saw it; he saw everything, and that was why he nodded and said, “I’ll make some calls, darlin’.”
“Thanks,” I whispered, trying to hold back the tears that were threatening to fall.
Well, the first shoe dropped when he didn’t say anything but what he did.
The second shoe dropped when he took that woman into the clubhouse.
And the third shoe... well... I was waiting for it.
Not with bated breath.
And I wouldn’t know that the very next day it would happen.
***
I was at the stove making dinner at Irish’s house.
Maisie was helping me pour the spices into the sauce.
And each time we did so, we made sounds to go with them.
I was laughing while she was giggling.
Neither one of us heard the front door open when she looked up at me and asked, “Sutton?”
I lifted a brow and looked at her, “Yeah, pretty girl?”
“Some kids get new parents when their old parents don’t want them, don’t they?”
I nodded, “Yeah, sometimes. Why do you ask?”
“Because since she didn’t want me, and I know you want me, and I want you, think you can become my mommy?”
I didn’t know what to say.
I’m honored.
I would love to.
I love you.
I was about to tell her that I didn’t know because Irish had made it clear where I stood in his life... when he cleared his throat and said so nonchalantly, I was flabbergasted, “Sounds good to me. People co-parent all the time, right?”
How many more daggers could my heart take?
Then I ignored Irish, pain lacing my entire body, looked at Maisie, hid the hurt as best I could, and said, “I’d be honored to be your Mommy. Pretty girl.”
She smiled wide, then flung herself in my arms. Oh, this sweet, sweet girl.
Oh, but the fuckery that was my life wasn’t fucking over with... yet.