Chapter 1
Tiffany
My eyes refuse to open even though I’ve been awake for thirty minutes. I can’t do it. I can’t find the energy to get out of this bed. I don’t want to be here. I never wanted to be here. Getting on that bus was the worst decision I ever made. No, that’s not right. Making the plan that got all of us on that bus was the worst decision I ever made. It’s a guilt that’s gripped me since we learned about our new reality. It’s a guilt that I haven’t opened my mouth about because doing so would put the burden on my friends to feel like they need to reassure me that I’m wrong.
There is no making me feel better about it. I’m the one who wanted to go see Steve. I’m the one who suggested we make a trip out of it. It was me who convinced everyone that this would be so much fun and that it would make more sense for us to take a bus than to carpool across five or six cars. I’m the one who found the bus company.
I’m the one who set our departure time.
I didn’t just get myself killed, but I also got my best friend and my sorority sisters killed too.
Outside my door, I hear my best friend, Zara, tapping on it, trying to see if I’m awake and ready for another day in The Calling. Who knew after death there was going to be so much to do?
Ten days ago, I was living the dream, about to finish my junior year of college. I had a boyfriend who loved me. I had a best friend. I had a future as a designer. Then I got on a bus to see the love of my life, Steve, play beach volleyball, and then I died.
I fucking died.
I open my eyes, anger bleeding past my guilt.
Zara is still scratching at the door, and as much as I love her, I don’t want to deal with her because I am so pissed right now. I will shout at her, and she doesn’t deserve that, even if she has adjusted to our new reality rather quickly. Perhaps if my soulmate wasn’t still on Earth, I could accept the idea of competing with my sorority sisters to become Queen of the Underworld.
But Steve lives, and no matter how much I plead with the King of the Underworld, Essos, to check on him, he keeps denying me. But Zara keeps going on about how great of a King he is, as if she knows anything about him.
The thought only stokes the flames of my anger. I toss the sunshine-yellow blankets off me and go to the door, ripping it open, ready to lay into Zara for waking me, even though I was already up.
Except she’s not there.
The space where my best friend’s face would be is empty. There’s a light yip and I look down and find one of the king’s dogs, a brown and white pit bull named Spot. He doesn’t wait for an invitation. He just pushes his way into my space and jumps on my bed, folding his paws over each other and looking up at me.
“Out,” I order, opening my door wider and gesturing. “I’m allergic.”
He lifts his head and woofs, no doubt calling me on my bullshit. Essos assured us all that allergies were a thing of the mortal realm and not a problem in the Underworld.
I close my door and look at the dog, scowling. He gives a little whine and I roll my eyes. “Just don’t chew my shoes or anything.” I don’t doubt that the magic closet would fix them even if he did.
I think Spot might roll his eyes back at me as he settles himself on my satin sheets. With the dog occupied, I go through my usual morning routine. Thanks to whatever magic here that does things like get rid of allergies and supply my closet, my hair is in the best shape it’s ever been in, but I still find comfort in going through the steps of taking care of my hair and myself. It’s such a simple form of literal selfcare, but it distracts the intrusive thoughts as they try to work their way into my head.
Thoughts about giving in to Essos’s offer to move on to my afterlife are the strongest ones. I could be with my grandparents and watching over Steve, but I said I wanted to stay in The Calling for Zara. My decision to turn my trip to Steve’s game into a sorority trip got her killed. The least I can do is be here for her now.
It’s not fair to me, but the reminder that this is my decision, that I’m doing this for my friend, helps. As much of a social butterfly as Zara is, she keeps most people at arm’s length. I’m her closest friend in the sorority, hard stop, never mind in this competition.
When I emerge from the bathroom, Spot is lying on his back, snoring softly. Tentatively, I approach him. He opens one eye and shifts his head to watch me, not moving once I get to him. He surprises me by letting me rub his belly.
Maybe there is something to having a pet.
Before leaving my room, I practice my smile, hoping that eventually it feels more natural. But it probably won’t until Steve and I are reunited in the Afterlife
Zara perks up as soon as she sees me walking into the dining room. Essos has a paper in front of him, and when I enter, he gives me a smile over it. Daphne Hale is seated next to him, trying not to look obvious as she steals glances at the king. He’s just as bad, his gaze drawn to her every time she so much as moves.
As soon as I’m settled in beside Zara, my plate fills with the fruit platter I’ve been eating most mornings, another magical aspect I love about this house. There are other foods in the middle of the table if we ever get food envy, but for the most part whatever we want for breakfast will appear. I don’t know how it knows, but this is the glory of magic.
Essos rises. “Ladies, today we will have a group date.”
I tune Essos out after that, focusing on my breakfast and debating if I want some turkey bacon. I used to hate the stuff. If I was going for bacon, I was going for the real thing: applewood smoked, just a little too crispy for most people so it would break easily in my hands. But Steve was obsessed with turkey bacon. It was perfect, in his opinion, for fulfilling that greasy need, while still allowing him to treat his body as a temple. A temple I had the pleasure of worshiping at whenever the mood struck.
Turkey bacon appears on my plate, and I have to fight back tears.
Under the table, Zara grabs my leg and squeezes. She’s got her eyes glued to Essos, but somehow, she is still attuned to me. That’s the reason I’m still here. It’s an effort, but I take a bite of the bacon, hoping it makes me feel better, but I feel even worse, and it sinks to my stomach like a stone.
When I look up from the bacon I realize that Essos is gone, and I completely missed whatever it is we’re doing today.
“Group date, athletic wear. That’s all you need to know,” Zara tells me, flipping her long, dark hair over her shoulder. I know magic aids us in the Underworld, but even in the mortal realm, Zara had an effortless beauty about her, with rich brown skin and full, pouty lips. It helped that her wardrobe was also to die for. We’re both on the taller side, so it made sharing clothes easy when we were alive.
“What would I do without you?” I ask her before I can think better of it. Clearly, I need a lot more tea before I should speak. I don’t want to guilt Zara in any way. Sticking around is completely my call.
“You would maybe have a fulfilling afterlife.” She steels herself as she says this. Her shoulders pull back a little, like maybe if she sits a little taller, if I tell her I want to leave it will be easier to handle. If it’s between my afterlife and Zara, I pick Zara.
Around us, the conversations of the remaining fifteen girls carry on. Cat and Daphne are talking on the other side of the table from us. They’re probably my second closest friends here, but I have to tear my gaze from them to look at Zara.
“I want to be here. If I can’t be alive, I might as well be with you for as long as I can be. I need to help you become queen, right?”
“Tiffy, you don’t have to stay if you don’t want to. I want you to be happy. I want you to do what is also going to fulfill you, and while I so, so appreciate you staying for me, it’s not worth your sanity.”
I have to swallow hard around the lump in my throat, or maybe that’s just the turkey bacon fighting its way down.
“Zee, I want to be here with you. If Essos is right, I’ll have eternity to spend with my grandparents, but only three months here to support you while you do the Calling. Nothing is going to get me to leave you.”
Her eyes get a little watery. “When I’m Queen of the Underworld, we’ll be able to spend as much time together as we want. I’ll even ask Essos about some sort of special dispensation to have you stay with me or that lets you be, like, a special envoy or something.”
When it comes to my best friend, I know she’s going to achieve whatever it is she sets her mind to. It’s a cold comfort when the love of my life is still out there.
Spot has left my room by the time I make it back up there. I’m almost sad he’s gone, even though I was originally resistant to his presence. It’s for the best since I have to find something sporty to wear to do some activity I have no interest in doing. After looking in the closet, I settle on a lime green sports bra and legging combo. I have no idea what we’re going to be doing, but I hope this outfit fits the bill.
I take the time to twist my hair up with a wrap to better protect it. There might be magic readily available to keep my hair safe, but some habits are hard to break, just like applying sunscreen to my skin. My mama always reminded me on beach days that just because we’re Black doesn’t mean we’re immune to skin cancer or sunburn.
It’s unfair, but the thought of her doesn’t hurt as much as the thought of Steve. Do I miss my mom? Yes. Do I miss Steve more? Also yes. I had twenty-one amazing years with the best mom in the world. I was robbed of my future with Steve.
Zara is waiting for me outside my door, checking out her nails. “I hope we’re not doing something that’s going to make me break a nail. I just settled on how I want them to look. I thought Sybil was going to kill me for how many times I changed the color.”
Neither of us knows exactly what Sybil does, but they seem to be an assistant to Essos, helping him run the Underworld. They tend toward a rather drab sense of style, opting to always wear an all black gown with a braid holding their dark hair back. Watching Zara cycle through all of the colors had me thinking Sybil’s hair was going to turn gray. I love Zara, but I don’t know if there is enough magic in the world for Sybil to deal with her for eternity.
We walk down to the beach, and I think Zara’s head might explode a little when she catches Essos and Daphne talking.
“Of all the days she’s early, it has to be one where she looks like that?”
“What’s wrong with what she’s wearing?” I ask, knowing full well the issue. Daphne’s always been the sort of pretty that doesn’t try too hard. Her auburn waves are held back from her face in a ponytail and she’s wearing a white tank-top with a faux knot in front paired with black high waisted leggings. It gives just enough of a tease of skin that even from here, I can see Essos glancing at the sliver of skin as she looks away from him.
“She looks hot, and she knows it.” Zara pulls her hair out from the ponytail she had it in and takes off at a run toward Essos.
He has to stop talking to Daphne in order to catch Zara, and I can actually see the steam from Daphne’s ears at the display as Zara kisses the King. He’s conventionally attractive, with black hair that curls around the edges even when he puts the effort in to style it and piercing blue eyes. I think under all his suits, he might have a cut figure. But today he’s dressed casually, and all the gray sweatpants and charming smiles won’t change that his isn’t the face I want.
The face I love belongs to a Korean man with kind eyes and a soft smile that he saves just for me. He’s not the most outgoing person ever, which always made me wonder why he picked beach volleyball as his sport since that seems to usually attract big personalities.
It’s that face that I picture every night when I go to sleep and every morning when I wake up. It’s the face I’ll never stop missing until he meets me in the Afterlife.
I’ve never been a particularly sporty person, and I almost think that’s why Steve and I meshed when we met freshmen year. I was dragged to a party by Zara, and he was there, dragged by his team as well. There were so many places we both would rather have been, but we were in the right place at the right time.
Steve loved to tell me that it didn’t matter if we hadn’t met that night; he would have found me somehow. He told me he would always find me. But I’m in a place too far for him to reach, no matter how much we belonged together. A jealous, spiteful part of me wants to know that when he comes to his afterlife, I will be here waiting for him, the only person he ever loved. But the more reasonable parts of my brain and heart want to know that Steve will move on to live a long and happy life, finding someone else to love even if that someone else isn’t me.
“Do you think they’ll ever realize they could be friends if they both just stopped being bitches to each other?” Cat Mason asks as she comes up beside me.
I shake my head. “Not a chance. I think some hurts just run too deep,” I respond, but I smile, knowing that it’s true. If Daphne and Zara could put their animosity aside, they would be great friends, and the world as we know it would tremble.
Cat steps away from me to hip-check Daphne, distracting her, at least briefly, from her murderous intent. Those two are thick as thieves and the exact reason I need to stay for Zara.
I want to say that the flag football game Essos has us play is fun, and for the first fifteen minutes, it really is, but then Zara and Daphne get competitive, something that he should have seen coming, even though he tried to mitigate the issue by putting them on the same team.
Foolish man.
It seems not even gods are immune from the mistakes of men with two women fighting over them.
Zara and Daphne dive for the ball when it slips out of Cat’s hands and I guess I should also actually be diving for the fumble, but the bare minimum of effort is going to be what gets me by today. When Daphne takes an elbow to the face, Essos is right there, ready to soothe her, and I have to look away.
It’s such a sweet gesture, how he cups her face and scans her body, checking to see if she’s hurt anywhere else. It reminds me of Steve. It reminds me of a late night walking back from a frat party and almost twisting my ankle because heels and cobblestones don’t mix.
To save my ankle from being injured, I let my body go with the fall, or that’s what I told Steve as he held my foot in his lap, gently feeling it for any swelling. His brown eyes swept over me from toe to head, lingering on my knee, between my legs, before he remembered himself and moved to my hands, which had broken my fall.
When we got back to his room, he kissed me from head to toe, focusing on all the places I was hurt before making love to me until his roommate came home.
Zara’s holler of victory breaks my concentration from the memory, and I watch as she leaps on Essos’s back. Every second I have to watch her shower him with affection threatens to drag me back to the only place I can have Steve…in my memories.
We reset, and Zara tries to prod at me to get me into the playing mood, and for a minute I give in to her and try to let myself have fun. I try to push intrusive thoughts of Steve from my mind, but the thing that finally does banish him is watching Zara trip over her own two feet and twist her ankle.
Immediately, I drop beside her. “Are you alright?”
She’s got her eyes slammed shut, gingerly holding just above the joint. When I catch her barely opening her eyes to look toward Essos, I give her a little pinch.
“Owww, it hurts,” she whines, glaring at me until Essos is next to her. He reaches for her, but she flinches back “Oh no, please don’t touch it.”
“I promise I’ll be gentle,” he swears, trying again.
I can see that if anything is causing her pain, it’s having to hold back a retort about not wanting it gentle. Before he can even get his hands on her, his assistant flies down the stairs toward us.
“My lord, you have a meeting that you must attend immediately,” Sybil relays.
Essos looks up at them. Zara’s ankle is cradled in his hands when he addresses Sybil. “Can’t it wait?” he asks, clearly annoyed.
“I’m sorry, but this is in regard to the incident the other day. He’s here to discuss it.”
There are murmurs among the gaggle of girls who stayed back about who this other ‘he’ is. Whoever it is has Essos startled because he nearly drops Zara’s foot before he gingerly sets it back on the ground.
“I’m sorry, Zara. Sybil will have to attend to you—this is an urgent matter that I absolutely have to address.” His accented voice is clipped as he stands.
Daphne reaches a hand out toward him, and he nearly jumps out of his skin when she does. There is something about him looking at her that soothes him, and as much as I want my friend to get everything she wants, there will be no convincing her that she’s already lost this contest to be queen. It’s obvious, and if Zara didn’t have such a narrow focus, she might see it. She’s the one who pointed out each time Steve would cast a loving gaze my direction when I was oblivious. She was the one who saw what was brewing between Steve and I before we did.
Essos says something more about how to spend the rest of the day, but I’m wondering if maybe I can sneak away from the group.
I’m an awful friend, but when Sybil sinks down to their knees to heal Zara, I trail behind Essos to seek solitude in my room.