Chapter 22
Bryce
My heart sank when I found Casey Joe with an empty six-pack of beer overlooking the orchard. A slip wasn’t the end of the world. Even a full-blown relapse didn’t mean he’d failed.
Casey and I had spoken at length about his addiction. He and I both knew it was a lifelong thing; there would be ups and downs. Celebrations and setbacks.
Slipping up wasn’t the problem.
The problem was whatever had driven Casey to grab the case of beer in the first place.
But when I’d taken the beer, his eyes had flown open, clear and bright.
When I’d covered him up and took his hand, there was no sign of drunkenness.
And when Casey’s mouth had come down on mine, I’d tasted only him, no lingering trace of beer.
I’d meant what I said about taking whatever I could get. If friendship was what Casey could offer, I’d find my peace with it.
But I wasn’t going to lie. Hearing him say he wasn’t willing to do just friends stirred up a mess of hope in my heart and butterflies in my belly.
“What does all of it mean for us?” I asked.
After a long moment, I worried Casey wasn’t going to answer.
Maybe he didn’t have an answer.
Then he cleared his throat.
“Pour me some of that coffee if it’s the good kind.”
I made quick work of passing him the thermos cup full of steaming black coffee.
He took a long sip, cursed because it was so hot, and reached for my hand. Holding tightly like I was his lifeline, Casey said, “I need help, and it’s not something I can do on my own.”
My heart simultaneously sank and cheered. “Whatever you need. You know we’re all here for you.”
Casey didn’t speak, but I felt his nod.
The right words sometimes took him a bit to put together, so I waited.
“I have people who love me,” Casey said. “I know that’s a lot more than some people have, and I feel damn guilty acting like it’s not enough.”
“Hey,” I interrupted. “Us being here and loving you is real, but that doesn’t mean it’s the only answer. It’s okay if we’re not what you need.”
Casey took a deep breath and blew it out.
“Sometimes, the smokes, the alcohol, everything from the past, it all just blinds me to the good in my life. It’s like deep down I know I have friends and family—those boys mean the world to me,” he gave my hand a squeeze, “and I’ll be damned if I’m not lookin’ forward to whatever fuckery you and I might get up to—but all the shit in my brain is too loud for me to hear the truth.
Sometimes it feels like I’m all alone and the only thing I’m good enough for is drowning all the pain with whatever chemicals I can get my hands on. ”
A cool breeze blew across the hill, and Casey shifted to put an arm around me.
I cuddled up to him the best I could with the arms of the chair between us.
“I think it’s important to remember whatever you’re feeling is valid and real.
Sometimes though, we have to question those feelings because they aren’t always true. ”
Casey scoffed.
I huffed out a laugh. “Sorry, didn’t mean to sound like a therapist.”
“Never stopped you before,” Casey teased.
“I just want you to know we’re here.” I took a long, cleansing breath.
“Before I came back home, I knew all too well what it was like to be surrounded by people and feel completely alone. So, even if your brain is telling you you’re on your own, don’t believe it.
You have all of us here loving you and ready to support you in whatever you need. ”
Casey pressed a kiss to the side of my head before shifting in his chair to put the cup on the ground and lean his elbows on his knees. With his head in his hands, he sat there for several long, quiet moments.
“I think I need to leave.”
“What?” I’d just told him we’d support him in whatever he needed. I couldn’t let on that my heart was now at my knees.
“Leave this place. Get some perspective.”
I swallowed thickly. “Where would you go?” Maybe he meant a solo camping trip or a long hike through the state park.
He couldn’t mean leaving for good.
Right?
Casey laughed with no real humor. “If my damn dumb ass from way back then could just see me now.” He shook his head. “There’s this retreat thing my fuckin’ therapist keeps tellin’ me about.”
I allowed myself a tiny breath, just enough to clear the spots floating in my vision. A retreat was usually short, maybe he wasn’t talking about leaving permanently. “How are you feeling about it?”
“Like fuckin’ shit,” Casey grumbled to his feet. “A retreat? What the actual fuck am I even thinkin?”
I chuckled and rubbed my hand up and down his back. That was my Casey. Quick with the gruff and snappy, slower and more hesitant to get to the deeper emotions.
But he’d eventually get there.
“Scared,” he mumbled. “Feelin’ fuckin’ scared.”
And there it was.
I let my hand continue tracing lines up and down his back. “I think that’s pretty normal. New stuff is scary. Being vulnerable is scary. Not knowing people is scary. Add all that together plus the unknown, and it makes complete sense to feel that way.”
Casey slowly turned his head to drill me with a serious look. “Are you fuckin’ kiddin’ me right now?”
I bit my bottom lip to hide a smile. He was so sure people thought he was an asshole, but I saw right through him. “What?” I let my lashes flutter slightly.
“Well, let’s start with the fact if I wasn’t already scared shitless of goin’ to some let’s all vomit our emotions around a campfire retreat, I sure as hell am now.” He slapped a hand to my thigh and squeezed. “Fuckin’ hell, man.”
I yelped in surprise. “Sorry, I was just saying it’s normal to feel what you’re feeling. If you and your therapist think the retreat would be a good thing, then you know we’ll support you through it.”
Casey pulled me close and kissed my cheek. “I just hate the thought of missing everything here.”
A little warning siren sounded in my head.
How long was a retreat? A weekend? A week? Maybe ten days?
I swallowed thickly. “We’ll cover for you and make it work.” Pressing a kiss to his lips, I did my best to sound casual. “How long does the retreat last?”
Casey took a deep, shuddering breath, and I knew I wasn’t going to like the answer.
But I also knew it wasn’t about me. Casey didn’t need my whiney ass making him feel bad for leaving.
He needed his family backing him up and supporting him as he took steps to make sure he had a future to look forward to.