Chapter 23 #2
This time I snorted and elbowed him in the gut. “You got a damn fuckin’ interestin’ definition of not lettin’ somethin’ get a person down, man. I damn near lost everythin’, almost drank myself to death—hell, if my heart hadn’t turned on me, I probably woulda followed Billy right to the damn grave.”
Lance gave me an affectionate shove. “That’s exactly what I’m talking about, Ceej.
All that shit, and you made it through for your boys.
Kept going even when you wanted to give up.
” He patted my face with a bit too much force, and I wondered if Bryce would frown upon best friends sparring in his kitchen.
Probably wouldn’t look good to show up at the retreat with a black eye or split lip, so I didn’t punch him right in the damn mouth.
“The boys deserved—”
“Those boys deserved a dad who loved them, and they got that in spades. They never wanted for anything. You kept them safe.” Lance poked a finger at my chest. “Not a damn parent on this planet is perfect. You and I fuckin’ know it.”
Crossing my arms, I nodded. “I know. I just can’t stop thinkin’ about how much better I could have been for them if I hadn’t been so buried in my own shit.”
Lance shook his head. “I get what you’re saying, and it’s a conversation we’ve had a million times.
We can’t change the past. Sometimes, I think being able to would be the worst thing ever.
We’re here—you, the three boys, me and Hudson, Bryce—all because of who we are thanks to our pasts.
Changing that would maybe take all this away. ”
An icy fist gripped my heart.
Fuck.
I hated when Lance was right, but he was damn smart, so he was right more often than not.
Wasn’t gonna tell him that, though.
“I hear what you’re sayin’,” I admitted. “Doesn’t mean I want to leave the only home I’ve ever known and work through feelings and shit for six damn weeks.”
Lance patted my cheek again in the taunting way only a lifelong best friend can do. “When you get back, you can teach us campfire songs, maybe show us how to weave baskets.”
“Fuck off,” I grumbled around a grin.
“Do you think there will be a talent show?” he asked with a smirk. “Just don’t sing, you’d probably drive them all to start drinking again.”
“Fuck. Off.” My words were rough with humor and emotion.
Lance hugged me again. “Love you, Case. We’ll hold things down here. Just focus on getting yourself healthy so you can come back here and be the grumpy, pain in the ass we all love.”
Lance laughed when I flipped him off. He called out a goodbye to Bryce and then he was gone.
Bryce appeared and wrapped me in a hug. “You good?”
I grunted.
Could have meant yes or no.
“Want to eat?”
At that, my stomach grumbled. “Might as well. No need to let food go to waste.”
I dug into the bag.
Oatmeal with berries.
Spinach, mushrooms, and egg white breakfast burritos.
Yogurt parfait with fruit and granola.
“Those damn mother fuckers,” I muttered.
“What?” Bryce asked, looking over my shoulder.
“Did you do this?”
“Do what?”
I gestured toward the food. “Tell them to get all this healthy shit. Damn. A guy can’t even head off for six weeks with an ooey, gooey cinnamon roll? Or a donut? Not even a bit of fuckin’ cheese on the burrito?”
Bryce laughed and slapped my ass. “The fruit and yogurt will be just right for the sweet tooth.”
I glared at him. “I swear to god, if there’s herbal tea in those cups, I’m gonna chase him down and kick his ass.”
Bryce was still laughing when I took my first long, fortifying sip of coffee.
Strong and black, just the way I liked it. At least my best friend and son didn’t let me down with the drinks.
We stood against the kitchen sink, our bodies pressed together from shoulder to hip to thigh. The food was the most delicious last meal I’d ever had, but it also tasted like sawdust. I would have eaten damn egg white burritos for the rest of my life if it meant never having to leave.
But time was not our friend that morning.
“You sure you don’t want me to drive you?” Bryce asked as we stood wrapped in each other’s arms by the door.
“No.” My whisper was rough. “Easier to say goodbye here. Plus, you can’t come into the retreat center, so we might as well get it over with here.”
Bryce ran his lips over my jaw. “I love you.”
“Why?”
He choked on a laugh. “What kind of question is that?”
I cleared my throat. I wasn’t fishing for compliments, and I didn’t want to be dramatic, but anxiety and guilt competed heavily over the fact Bryce had come to town and ended up saddled with me. “I’m just sayin’, you’re worth more than my fucked up small town ass. You could—”
Bryce shut me up with a kiss. “I’m a grown ass man, and I can make that choice on my own.”
Holding him tightly, trying to soak up every bit of him before walking out the door, I breathed him in deeply. “I know it ain’t fair to ask you to wait on me—”
“Good god, man. Would you stop?”
I chuckled, my lips feathering over his ear.
“What I was sayin’,” I said, “is it ain’t fair to ask you to wait on me, but I’ll beg if I have to.
I love you more than I thought I was capable of, but I owe it to us both to get my shit straightened out before we build a future together.
You deserve better than the fucked-up version of me. ”
Bryce cupped the side of my face and pressed our foreheads together. “Well, I’m pretty far gone for the fucked-up version, so don’t go changing too much.”
I closed my eyes and savored the way our bodies fit so perfectly. “Not gonna change the real me. Just gotta work through my shit and come home healthy. For you, the boys, for us.”
He traced a thumb over my lips. “Don’t do it just for the boys and me.”
Shaking my head, I let the truth wash over me.
“Nah, it’s for the kid who was scared to death his parents would figure out he watched the boys in tight baseball pants a little too long.
That kid who begged any god who would listen to take away the way he felt about the coach’s son.
The kid who convinced himself it was better to only live half a life as long as no one ever figured out his secret. ”
Bryce wiped the tear from my cheek. “That kid is lucky to have you.”
With a deep, shuddering breath, I whispered, “I’m fuckin’ scared. I don’t know if I can do this.”
He tipped my chin. “You know I believe in you, right?” His soft kiss sent shivers through me.
“I’ll believe in you enough for the both of us until you can believe in you too.
” He pressed his cheek to mine. “I’m not going anywhere, Case.
I’ll be here waiting on you, believing in you, and loving you until the end of time.
” He pulled back and met my eyes. “Just don’t make me actually wait that long. ”
“Fuck. Six weeks is gonna do me in.” Every fiber of my being begged for me to stay. Pleaded for me to keep holding onto him. I didn’t have to go to the retreat. Even my therapist had admitted I could work through my shit with her or someone else without attending the retreat.
But no.
I’d made the decision.
My family was supporting me.
I’d go to the fuckin’ retreat.
For my health.
For my future.
Fuck it.
At this point, it kinda felt like I had to go just to prove to myself I could do it.