Chapter 50
FIFTY
CAMDEN
Maybe we should bet on it.
Savannah’s words play on repeat in my head long after she’s left the room.
Fuck. I squeeze my fists and breathe through the pain and rage eating me alive. I want to punch a hole through the wall. I want to bang my head against it. Because that’s what I deserve. I need the fucking sense knocked into me. I deserve to hurt like she is.
She was so frail. So sad.
I’ve never seen Savannah look anywhere near this tortured. My heart aches for her. My soul. My body feels like I’m moving through sludge. Like I’m in a haze. This can’t be real. I couldn’t have destroyed her so thoroughly.
Yes, I could. I’ve always been selfish, so of course I forced her friend to tell me where she is. Of course I damaged the trust Savannah had in Josie. I’m a fucking monster.
My phone buzzes in my pocket, and I yank it out quickly. There’s no way it’s Savannah, but I can’t help but check just in case.
Cora: Savannah just came out of the dressing room and walked out the front door. What happened?
I exhale a long breath. Thank fuck she’s out of here, at least.
Me: It didn’t go well. You should go home.
Cora: I’m not leaving without you.
Me: I just need to go hit some hockey pucks or something. Maybe hit the gym.
Cora: It’s almost midnight.
Me: Please, Cor. I appreciate you, but I need to breathe. Just take the car and head home.
Cora: I love you. You’re going to get through this.
I’m not so sure, but I don’t want her to worry.
Me: I know. Love you too.
A knock sounds on the door, startling me. “Time’s up.”
Wow. Apparently ten K only gets a guy twenty minutes.
I straighten my shoulders and walk out of the room. As I pass the oversized bouncer who’s meant to intimidate me, I stop and pat him on the chest. “Let your boss know that if I find out he allows Savannah back here again, the place will be shut down within a week.”
With that, I stalk out of the bar and order a car. My next text is to Daniel.
Me: Any idea how the hell Savannah would know about the bet?
My phone rings immediately.
“Hello,” I grumble.
Daniel is gonna have a million questions. I’ve been avoiding him since my arrest. Don’t really want to talk to anyone about any of it, but I need to figure out what Savannah thinks she knows.
“What the fuck? I’ve been calling you for days, and you text me that shit at midnight?” Before I can answer his questions, he yammers on. “If you got arrested again, so help me god—”
“I didn’t get arrested. I’m going to the arena.”
He’s quiet for a second. “What? Why?”
“Because I’m spiraling,” I admit, kicking at the asphalt.
“Because I lost Savannah and I deserve it. Because for the last couple of months, everything’s been good, and now it’s all gone to shit.
And I almost wish I never knew what good felt like because before Savannah, at least I was na?ve enough to believe I was happy.
Now I can’t breathe, and my skin feels too tight.
Because I love her and I broke her and I hate myself for it. ”
The words bleed out of me, pulsing with a vile need to force this negative energy out of my body.
“I’ll meet you there.”
“What?” I scan the road, brow furrowed.
“Go to the arena. I’ll meet you there,” he says. “And Cam, it’s going to be all right.”
The rink is illuminated when I walk down the tunnel. Guess Daniel is already here. During the ride over, I replayed my conversation with Savannah over and over. Dissected her expressions, her body language.
Every single cell in my body tells me I fucked up.
By not looking at her—because I was trying to be respectful—I made her believe I was disgusted by her.
That I could ever feel anything but a bone-deep need for her is absurd.
She’s the most attractive woman I’ve ever met.
Yes, she’s gorgeous on the outside, but her heart is where her true beauty resides.
And her personality. With her, my heart feels like it’s beating outside my chest. Because it belongs to her.
No one has ever come close to making me feel so important.
So if she hurts, I hurt.
The familiar sound of skates scraping over ice hits me as I push into the arena.
A laugh echoes around the huge empty space, and a puck goes flying into an open net.
“You’re getting slow in your old age,” Daniel taunts.
I step in farther and discover Brooks, who is shaking his head as he skates toward the net. What the fuck is he doing here?
“I told you I wasn’t ready.” He crouches and picks up the puck, then spins around. “And I’m not playing goalie without gear, asshole.”
“You’re grumpy tonight.” Across the ice, Aiden does a fucking pirouette.
“It’s after midnight,” our former goalie mumbles.
“I’m here.”
I spin around at the sound of the voice.
War steps through the door I just entered, wearing a pair of sweats and a long-sleeve black shirt. It’s the same outfit he was in when I left his place hours ago, though he’s added a backward Bolts hat.
He nods at me when he spots me. “Hey, how’d it go?”
I pull on my neck, fighting the stinging behind my eyes. “Obviously not great since you’re all here at fucking midnight.”
He slaps my shoulder and guides me toward the ice. “We’ll figure it out.”
It’s about as cold in here as it was outside, but once I’m moving, my blood heats. There’s nowhere in the world that I’m more comfortable than in this rink. It’s home in a way no other place ever has been.
Other than in my bed with Savannah in my arms. Or in my kitchen with her. Or my couch. Basically with Savannah in my arms, I always feel at home.
Right now, she’s right: neither of us has a home.
“We playing a game or just hitting?” Brooks asks as we gather at center ice.
“We can’t talk while playing. Let’s do slapshots at the net,” Daniel declares.
It’s a relief, letting him make the decision. I’ve got no plan and no energy to put one in place. Though just being here with my closest friends has taken the edge off the stabbing pain in my chest.
Immediately I feel bad about that. Because I took away Savannah’s only safe space tonight when I revealed that I’d talked to Josie. I don’t deserve friends if she doesn’t feel like she has anyone.
“I…” I scan my friends faces, words failing me.
War slaps my shoulder. “Shoot first, then talk. We got time.”
I nod, grateful that these guys know me.
For a good twenty minutes, we hit puck after puck.
Aiden, hotshot that he is, plays it like a game of pool.
We tell him which part of the net to hit, and he aces it every time.
He learned that from Noah. Beauty was one of the best snipers to ever play.
We were all fortunate when he took over as GM after he retired, not only because he always does right by his players, but because he’d spend hours out here, teaching us how he did it.
Aiden, naturally, was the only one of us to master it.
My shoulders have relaxed and my chest has loosened, and the bantering is in full swing when Aiden breaks out in song.
And for the first time in a fucking week, I actually laugh. It’s loud and sharp and filled with emotion. It takes a second to get a hold of myself. When I do, I slap a hand over my mouth. What the fuck am I doing laughing?
“Hey,” Daniel says, getting in my face. “It’s okay.”
With more force than I should, I push him away.
“It’s not okay. I fucking broke her.” I smack my chest. “Just like I break everyone. First it was my fucking sister. She ran away because I kept a huge secret from her. Then my father. He’s only dead because he got on that fucking plane to see me.
My mother hates me, and to make it worse, I’m an asshole who’s grateful that she doesn’t remember most days.
That though she might not know twenty years has passed or that my father’s dead, at least she doesn’t look at me with contempt.
That when she sees me, she hugs me, and for a little while, I have my mom back. How fucked is that?”
My voice echoes around the arena for a solid couple of seconds after I snap my mouth shut.
“It’s not fucked at all,” War says softly. “I’d give anything to have that with my mom.”
I drop my head and lace my fingers at my nape. “And I hurt Savannah. Somehow she found out about the stupid bet. The one I couldn’t give two fucks about and haven’t cared about since the beginning.”
“Hannah will explain. I’ll explain,” Daniel says. “We see the way you look at her. Those feelings have nothing to do with the bet.”
I shake my head. “It won’t matter. I broke her.” I force my head up, meeting Daniel’s eyes, and blow out a long breath. “She’s Tara’s daughter.”
His mouth drops open and his stick clatters to the ice.
“Who’s Tara?” Aiden asks.
“His high school girlfriend,” War explains. “She cheated on him with his best friend. Ended up pregnant with the asshole’s baby.”
“Fuck,” Brooks mutters.
I blow out a breath. “Yeah, fuck.” I pull on my hair. “How the hell am I going to fix this? I pushed her away when I found out. I lost it. I—”
“You felt like you were drowning,” Aiden finishes. “Like you couldn’t catch your breath. And pushing her away felt kinder than dragging her down with you.”
My head snaps up. “Yes.” I frown. “How did you know?”
Aiden’s expression is filled with sympathy. “Because I’ve been there. Remember my panic attack on the ice? My life hasn’t been half as traumatic as yours, but my mind was fucked up and I couldn’t see past my own pain.”
“Have you talked to anyone?” War asks, brows furrowing. “Like a professional? About what happened back in high school?”
The chest tightening is slowly creeping back in. “Like a therapist?”
He nods.
“We all had to go to therapy when we played,” I say.
“That’s not what he asked.” Brooks swallows audibly. “After Seb’s betrayal…finding out that the person I looked up to, my mentor and uncle and our coach, had cheated on my aunt, had lied for years about who he was, had taken advantage of Sara, I was totally consumed by anger.”
“He almost killed that asshole,” War agrees.
“I probably would have too,” Brooks admits. “If he”—he nods at War—“hadn’t stopped me.” Green eyes downcast, he lets out a heavy breath. “I would have sliced his throat with the blade of my skate.”
I reel back. Brooks has always been the steady one. He’s huge, but he’s relatively quiet. Gentle. Except when he’s on the ice.
Aiden’s been open about his depression for a long time. After his panic attack during a game, he made it his mission to talk about mental health with players in the NHL and in youth hockey, to destigmatize therapy and asking for help.
But I had no idea Brooks struggled too.
“I had to work through my animosity toward my father,” War says.
“After my mom died, I hated everyone.” He lifts his chin.
“But if I wanted a shot at a healthy marriage and to be a good father, I knew I had to do the work. I had to accept the loss of my mother and how fucked-up my childhood was. We don’t always get the apologies we deserve,” he murmurs, though his tone is even.
“People disappoint us regularly, but we can’t control that.
We can only control how we process it. And Camden, you haven’t processed any of it. ”
I grip my stick harder, my knuckles turning white. “I’ll never forgive them for what they did. Not after what it did to my sister. But I don’t hold that against Savannah.”
“Put Savannah and your sister out of your mind for a second,” Aiden says softly. “Ever think that maybe you need to forgive them for you?”
My heart thumps against my ribcage as I survey him.
“And forgive yourself,” Daniel says.
A scoff escapes me. “I don’t deserve forgiveness.”
Aiden shakes his head. “Until you realize how wrong you are, you’re right; you won’t be able to fix things with Savannah.”
I blow out a breath and glare at the ice. “I need to be better for her.”
My friends are silent, standing close by, more supportive than I deserve.
I swallow and let out a heavy breath. “And I guess the only way I can do that is to be better for me too.”
War nods.
“But how?” Where do I even start? It’s overwhelming to even think about. “I want to fix this, so tell me, what the fuck do I do? How can I make this better?”
Aiden takes the stick from my hands. I only now realize I’ve been twisting so hard that I’ll have blisters in the morning.
“First step is acknowledging that you need help,” he says.
“And that’s exactly what you just did. It’s a big hurdle, and you’ve already cleared it.
And we’re here to help you. Every step of the way. ”
“I have an idea that just might help you win Savannah back,” Daniel adds. “But it won’t be quick, and you’ve got to be willing to put in the work.”
Hope has me nodding quickly. “I’ll do anything.”