Chapter 52
FIFTY-TWO
SAVANNAH
I glance down at the address on my phone’s screen and then back up at the building, my stomach in knots.
What am I doing here? This is a terrible idea. It’s been two months, and I haven’t picked up the phone, let alone showed up at his home. Still, even though we haven’t said a word to one another in that time, I feel like he talks to me weekly.
Because of the columns.
So often, I’m tempted to reply in the comments, or maybe through a Calliope column, but I’ve never worked up the courage.
Still, Camden keeps writing. At least once a week, often more frequently.
According to the columns, he’s been in therapy for seven weeks, and he’s been to a doctor to check on the viability of his swimmers.
That alone is mind-boggling. And because of the columns, I know that his mother and sister have moved to Boston, and that his sister has opened a practice here.
Cora Snow, LPC.
There’s her name. On the sign beside the door.
I blow out a breath, nerves skittering through me. Am I really doing this?
Camden isn’t the only one who’s been working through past trauma. After reading his first column, I cried for hours. I wanted to run back to him. I wanted to forgive him and tell him he was already good enough for me and always has been.
But I knew, deep down, that neither of us was truly ready. And if we didn’t do the work separately, we’d end up here again. And I can’t lose him a second time. Once was hard enough.
But the truth is, I’ve barely scratched the surface in therapy. I’m not sure how I’ll ever unpack the hurts that come with having two parents who truly never wanted me.
The best I’ve come up with is that it’s not something I can understand. I definitely can’t control their feelings or behavior. And I’m not sure if I’ll ever get over the trauma they’ve caused.
But what I do understand and what I know I can control is how I allow it to affect my other relationships.
I can’t assume that because my parents don’t care about me, no one else does either.
I can’t put what my parents did on other people.
It’s unfair. Especially when I have people like Rosalie and Josie and the Donovans, who show up every day to let me know they care.
When I have friends like Addie, who texts me no matter where she is during her last hockey season to let me know she loves me.
Or Sutton, who will randomly show up after rehearsal with snacks and tell me it’s a rom-com night.
They’ve proven to me that I deserve to be happy.
And I’ve realized I can be happy on my own. I don’t need Camden for that. But I really want him. Though I’m not sure we can ever truly move past who I am, who my parents are, to his family.
Which is why I’m here.
Camden’s relationship with his sister is incredibly important to him. As it should be. And I can’t stop thinking about the haunted look in his eye when he told me what my parents put Cora through. While they’d never apologize for what they did, I feel like I should.
So though I lack the courage to walk in there confidently, I force myself inside anyway.
Josie called and scheduled an appointment for me under a fake name. I’m an asshole for being deceitful, yes, but I was worried that if she knew I was the one coming in, she’d refuse to see me, and I didn’t want to come by unannounced and disrupt her time with other clients.
Inside, when I realize that there is no receptionist or waiting room, I stop in my tracks. It’s a tiny vestibule, nothing more, and on the second door is a sign directing patients to knock when they arrive.
Before I can back out, I rap my knuckles against the solid wood door, and when it swings open a moment later, I try my damndest not to squeeze my eyes shut and run.
“Hi, come on in—” Cora’s words die, and her eyes widen in shock. “Savannah?”
Oh goody, she recognizes me. I’m not sure if that makes this easier or harder.
Knees wobbling, I swallow past the lump in my throat. “Yes, hi. I’m not sure this was a good idea.” I hitch a thumb over my shoulder. “I’ll just go.”
“No, wait,” she says, reaching for me but dropping her hand before making contact. “I’m meeting with a client, but if you give me your information, I can call you after.”
Heart in my throat, I wince. “I’m actually the client.”
She frowns. “You are?”
“Yeah, I made it under another name because I was afraid you wouldn’t want to see me. But I really wanted to talk to you.”
She studies me for a moment, her blue eyes full of curiosity. It’s odd, how familiar the look is. It’s like Camden is standing in front of me, studying me. The two of them share so many features. Same eyes, same cheekbones, same lips.
Hers turn up into a friendly smile after a heartbeat. “Come in. We can chat in here.”
On one side of the office is a tidy desk, but on the other side are two cozy-looking chairs with a small table between them.
“Take a seat,” she says. “Can I get you something to drink? Coffee? Water?”
I shake my head. “I’m okay, thank you.”
With a nod, she settles in the opposite chair and laces her fingers in her lap, her expression far more relaxed than I expected.
I was so eager to speak to her, but now that I’m here, my thoughts are jumbled, the things I need to say twisted with the words I’m trying to hold back.
More than anything I want to ask how Camden is. Does he really miss me? Has he gone out with anyone else? Will you ever be able to look at me and not think of my mother?
I twist my hands together, sweat breaking out at the back of my neck. “I want to apologize for”—my chest tightens painfully—“well, my existence, I guess. I never would have come to Camden’s party had I known who he was.”
Brows knitted, she tilts her head.
“It’s just—that’s something my mother would do. In fact, she considered trying something similar when she found out Camden lived here.” I suck in a shaky breath. “But I’d never do that. He talked to me first…I had no idea who he was. I swear it.”
Cora nods. “I believe you.”
“Okay, good.” I glance at the door, my heart thumping in my ears. “I don’t want to take up any more of your time. I just—”
“Savannah, relax. I apparently don’t have a client,” she says with a smile. “So I have the hour to spare. There’s no rush.”
“I feel like an idiot,” I admit, the words rushing out of me. “You must hate me. First, because, well, I’m me and I totally caused your life to spiral.” I slap a hand over my mouth and shake my head. “Not that I think your life is bad or anything.”
“Savannah,” she laughs. Then, with a sincere smile, she adds, “Seriously, I’m not offended. You can truly say anything, and I won’t be upset. I learned a long time ago that I can’t control what other people think, so I try not to let it affect me. And in your case, I assure you, I don’t hate you.”
“But how could you not? It’s because of me that—”
“No. It’s because of Jeremy and Tara. You did not cause them to do anything.
In fact, Cam and I hold more responsibility than you do.
We were there. We were involved with them.
We should have seen who they really were.
We were close friends. Your mother was always selfish.
I knew it back then.” She shrugs. “Even if the betrayal was a shock. We were teenagers. We all made bad decisions. You are not responsible for any of it.” She gives me a pointed look, the blue of her irises piercing.
“And you are not a mistake. You were a child who was dealt a really shitty hand. I’m so sorry that they never got their crap together for you. ”
Disbelief washes over me. “You do not owe me an apology.”
“Just like you don’t owe me one. But I’ll accept yours. And I hope you accept mine.”
She’s right. An innocent child is not to blame for the sins of her parents. Even so, I still feel guilty. I’m disgusted by what my parents did to her and Camden. And I’m not sure how to reconcile that with my other feelings for her brother.
“How is he?” The moment the words leave my lips, I want to pull them back in. That’s not why I came, and I don’t want her to think I’m digging.
She smiles. “He’s okay. Therapy is really tough after the things we’ve been through. So it’s a journey, and we’ll always have scars. Therapy isn’t about being cured of our demons. We put in the work so we can learn how to handle them. Because let’s be honest, the demons will always be there.”
I nod. I’ve discovered that myself.
“But he misses you,” she adds.
The constant ache in my chest intensifies.
As much as I wanted to hear that, needed to, even, this conversation has dug up the very real problems that I’m not sure we can ever get past. Because our demons will never go away completely.
He’s better off finding a woman who isn’t a permanent reminder of all he lost.
“He does,” she urges, like she can see the war raging in my head. “But it’s okay if the situation is too much to move past. He’s accepted that it might be.”
My stomach flips at her words. So he realizes it too.
“Have you talked to anyone?” she asks gently.
I nod. “I’m seeing a therapist, if that’s what you mean.”
“Good.” She nods once. “I truly hope that you find healing and happiness, even if that’s without my brother. And Camden feels the same.”
My nose stings with tears that have been nearly impossible to hold back lately. So I force a smile and stand. “I appreciate that. And I appreciate your willingness to talk to me. I’m glad you moved back. And I’m glad your mother is doing well.”
She stands and tilts her head in a type of shrug. “She is, I suppose. I’m not sure things will improve on that front, but I’m glad that she’s here too. This way I can be here for Camden while still taking care of her.”
I swallow. “Thank you for talking to me. And thank you for supporting Camden.”
Before the tears can fall, I turn and head for the door.
Just as I reach for the knob, she calls my name, stopping me.
I spin around. “Yeah?”
“For the record, I’ve never seen my brother happier than when he was with you. So I’m rooting for you both.”
My heart lifts in a way it hasn’t in months. “Really?”
She steps in close. “Yes.”
“But…” I shake my head, searching for the right words.
But again, my thoughts are jumbled, so when I speak, there’s no eloquence to the questions I’m dying to ask.
“Could you really handle seeing your brother with someone whose existence caused you so much pain? Wouldn’t seeing me all the time be a problem?
Because I can’t go back to him if it means he’ll lose you. ” I lift my chin. “I won’t.”
Cora squeezes my arm. “I’m a big girl, and you’re right on one front.
Those are issues that I will have to work through.
But with or without you, those demons exist. I have the skills to work through them, and when I don’t, I have people to turn to so that I don’t ever fall back into the destructive behaviors that exacerbated so many of my problems. It’s not a person’s trauma but how they react to it that does the most damage.
And I’m not interested in doing more damage to myself or anyone else. ”
I nod, though I’m not completely convinced.
“But Savannah?”
I inhale, steadying myself.
“I’d be thrilled to see my brother happy. So if you are what brings him joy, then I assure you, seeing you will never be painful.”
As tears well in my eyes, I take a single step closer. “Can I hug you?”
Cora holds out her arms and we embrace. And for a moment, I allow myself to hope.