Chapter 16
Chapter
Sixteen
RUBY
AFTERGLOW
Before I came downstairs, I knew what I wanted from Amari but didn’t have the words to say it out loud. After my shower, I stood in my bathroom mirror and held my hand over my belly, imagining what it would be like to have a precious life growing there again.
I inhaled and exhaled, allowing the stillness of the morning to speak to me. What was I feeling? After several more breaths, I knew what it was. Peace, the kind the elders in my family spoke of.
I wasn’t afraid of what the future might look like. I wasn’t afraid of Amari, but I was afraid of me.
Did I have the capacity to navigate a healthy relationship with a man and a child? Would one get more love than the other?
I squeezed the washcloth in my hand and held my head down with my eyes closed.
“You can do this.”
I wasn’t sure what “this” was, but I had to figure it out sooner rather than later.
By the time Amari and I shared coffee and assorted pastries, I had admitted my fears about what was happening with us.
We were finally on the same page about the direction of our situationship.
Whatever this was wouldn’t end with the storm.
It couldn’t. As I reconnected with him, observing his gentle eyes and the comfortable silence that was becoming our norm, I didn’t want him to leave.
“You don’t have to go. I enjoy your company.” I spoke as clearly and steadily as I could, displaying an uncharacteristic boldness that I hoped told Amari how serious I was about him.
To my satisfaction, he embraced me and kissed the top of my head. When he rested his fingers on my back and pulled me into him, I laid my head on his warm chest.
“You’re not getting rid of me anytime soon. When I leave your home, I’ll be back, not just for the repairs to this home but to repair your heart. I promise.” Amari lifted and kissed my hand.
I was more than smitten.
“I’d like that.”
Amari picked up his phone.
“My friend Malcolm texted that they cleared the roads. Since I have my truck, I’m going to check on a couple of folks this morning. You good?”
I nodded, confident that Amari was telling the truth and would contact me when he could.
“Call me anytime, and I’ll come running back to you.” He reached for my fingers. “This is only the beginning.”
“I believe that.”
As our magical time together ended, I still felt peace but also a twinge of sadness that we had to return to the real world without each other. Who would have guessed that a simple business call could transform my life so completely?
With a final kiss that had me ready to pull Amari back to my bed, I walked him to the door.
“I’ll miss you.”
The words slipped from my tongue as easily as motor oil.
Amari leaned down and whispered into my mouth, “Same. I’ll call you later.”
“Okay.”
When we kissed each other for what had to be the tenth time this morning, Amari walked out of my house.
I leaned against the door and pressed my body against it, still tasting his sweet lips and smelling cologne that was soon becoming my favorite.
As the engine of his pickup truck turned over and the roar of his motor faded into the distance, I finally opened my eyes, believing that what Amari and I had was an authentic foundation for something special.
Nothing about our time together was a fantasy.
When Amari left, I went to my basement and pulled out LaRue’s baby scrapbook along with other keepsakes from her short life.
I brought them to my bedroom and sat on my bed, thumbing through each item and allowing myself to feel every emotion when I saw them.
I cried and eventually smiled as I put everything back in the box and processed my time with Amari.
More than any other time since LaRue’s death, I wanted to move on. I had to move on as a thirty-three-year-old woman whose childbearing years would one day end. I needed to decide what the next phase of my life would be.
It was ironic that Amari popped up when I wanted nothing more than to be depressed. It was my holiday tradition, just like Farmerton’s annual Christmas parade.
He barged into my life like last night’s blizzard and forced me to make a choice. Would I pursue life or death? Would I wallow in pity or put on my big girl panties and allow a generous man to be my partner in a world where I felt alone too long?
That afternoon, as I clipped my electronic coupons, Amari called. I didn’t realize how much I missed him until I heard his sultry voice.
“Hi, Amari.”
“Hey, beautiful. What have you been doing since I left?”
“Random stuff and thinking.”
“Thinking about what?”
“Us.”
Amari chuckled.
“Oh really?”
“Yes.”
“What did you conclude?”
I heard the angst in his voice over the phone.
“I don’t want to be closed off from the world anymore. I want to experience the joy of Christmas again. I want to move on with my life.”
I didn’t realize I was holding my breath until Amari spoke.
“Tell you what. Come to my Christmas Eve party.”
I shook my head.
“I don’t know about that. I’m not the most sociable person. Kids are more my speed than adults.”
“Why are you so stubborn, woman?” Amari’s voice got louder. “I spent all those hours wooing you, and you still want to stay distant? Make it make sense, love.”
I processed Amari’s words. I was a rational person when it came to my profession and even helping others, but I couldn’t explain why I feared getting out of my rut. If I wanted to be better than who I was right now, I needed to take a chance on Amari and the possibility of something more.
“I don’t know. It’s just . . .”
“Just what? You’ve got this.”
I took a big breath and exhaled with a nod.
“What time should I be there?”
“Dinner starts at seven on Christmas Eve.”
“You don’t take no for an answer very often, do you?”
“No, ma’am.”
“You get a platinum star for being persistent.”
“I receive whatever star you want to give me. Bring whatever you’d like. It’ll be a laid-back time with games, food, and lots of booze. It’ll make us official.”
I frowned.
“Officially what?”
Amari paused.
“Officially, my friend with the possibility of unlimited benefits.”
Amari’s words stirred me.
“Do you think a public party would be the right place to share info about us? We only slept together.” I spoke the last sentence softly as if I were in a library and someone could hear my every word.
“We didn’t sleep much, now did we?” Amari asked the question with the nasty little laugh that turned me on.
Something about his mischievous mind brought out the same things in me. He made me want to explore what other parts of me were dormant or hidden by my trauma.
“Seriously, let’s discuss our interpretations of what happened the next time we meet. I don’t play about what I want.”
“Hmm, . . . speaking of next time, when the roads are clear, I’m going to the pharmacy and picking up some condoms. Just in case,” I added quickly, suddenly feeling self-conscious about assuming that Amari and I were going to have sex again.
“As soon as you get them, give big daddy a call. He needs to see his lil mama again.”
“Is that my nickname now?”
“Naw, baby, I was talking about that kitty between your legs. By faith, I’m daddy and you’re mama.
” Amari’s voice turned serious. “I believe that one day you’ll be recompensed for everything you lost. No baby can replace LaRue, but our Father will give you double and triple for your trouble.
That’s what happens to good people if they wait long enough for the manifestation of their blessings. I’m here now.”
I wanted to fall on the floor in giddiness at Amari’s declaration. Never had a man made me so wet, warm, and tender at the same time. When I gathered myself, I took a deep breath.
“I have a confession.” I spoke the words softly.
“Another one? What is it this time?”
There it was again, the mixture of humor and tenderness that made me want to hop in my car and slide over the slick roads to get up in Amari’s space right now.
“I thought about what it might mean if I got pregnant last night.”
“And?”
“At first, I thought about how I’m a role model for young people who need to learn how to become responsible adults. I try to practice what I preach so my kids can be upstanding citizens.” I paused.
“What are you saying? Make it plain, sweetheart.”
“That I wouldn’t mind being pregnant with your child. In fact, I’d like it a lot. Does that make me irresponsible? Or a hypocrite?” I word vomited and shut my eyes tightly, awaiting Amari’s response.
“Not at all. It means that we’re on the same page.
If it hadn’t been for the storm, we might not have ever sat down to figure this out.
Everything happened as it was supposed to, even us having unprotected sex.
If we made a baby last night, that baby is supposed to be our Christmas miracle.
We’ll love them together and flow with what happens after that. ”
“I’m kind of scared about all this.”
“I get it, but I’ve got you. No matter what you choose, I’ll be by your side.”
“Thank you.” I held back tears as the reality of Amari’s words settled in me.
“Ruby?”
“Yes.”
“I can’t wait to see you again.”
“It feels good to be seen.”