Chapter 21
Chapter Twenty-One
Austin
“So, you and Dalton?” Randall asked as soon as I’d put the car in park.
“He’s my best friend, Randall. Sure, we dated for a minute when we were seniors.
But we went our separate ways for college and never stopped being friends.
Before we moved to the beach, we lived in a pretty conservative neighborhood.
You know, lots of people who work with my mom, or in jobs like hers, tight-ass financial guys.
Sometimes I think we moved to the beach in part because my parents saw how much better of a fit it was for me. ”
“Your dad actually said something similar.”
I pointed to the view out the windshield.
“It really was a big sacrifice, for all of us. Mom commuted to the city a lot more in those days. She’d always come home on the weekends, but she was gone a lot, and dad had to pick up the slack.
He was great. All that Marty energy of his, always positive, even when I knew he was missing Mom or wishing she wasn’t missing whatever it was tweenage Austin was up to.
“Dalton and I were always just out. I told him I was gay right away when we met. Maybe I was testing him. If it had been a new person my age back up in Montclair that I was coming out to, I would have said it with a challenge in my voice, for sure. I don’t remember if I was defensive with Dalt, but if I did was, it didn't matter.
His response was, “Yeah, me too.” We hooked up as seniors.
I mean, we were horny, gay teenagers who spent all their time together, so eventually, we gave it a try.
Went to prom together, dated for a month or so, then mutually decided we were better as friends.
But we always had each other's backs, and we knew our families did as well.”
“You’re very lucky, Austin. Your parents are such good people, and they clearly adore you.”
“They seem to adore you too.” My heart tightened in my chest. “Which is why I really hope they’ll be able to understand … eventually.”
“Understand?”
I took a deep breath. “I hated yesterday,” I blurted.
Randall turned in his seat to look at me, but I continued to watch the ocean, pushing and pulling at the sand. It felt like exactly what I was doing to Randall.
“Shit. That’s my fault,” he said. I could hear the concern in his voice, though I didn’t look at him. I couldn’t, not until I got everything off my chest.
“What? No, of course not, Randall.” He didn’t respond, and we were silent.
“But also, yes,” I whispered. “I wanted to give you time to come out to them. All the time you needed, and then you did. You just did it, and I was so impressed with how you handled it. And we had such a nice time last night, except that the entire time, I wanted to touch you or kiss your cheek or, hell, just be able to sit next to you without freaking out.”
He sighed.
“You love this time of year. I could tell straightaway when we met. The holiday music, the Christmas-themed movie, your dismay at my lack of holiday decorations. And I’ve invaded your home, your traditions, your family.
” He made it sound like I didn’t know how I felt, or like he didn’t believe it.
Like I was just living some Christmas fantasy.
“Stop talking, Randall.” I needed him to stop making excuses, but I also needed to collect my thoughts.
He graciously obliged, folding his hands in his lap and waiting.
I looked down at them before looking into his rich, chocolate eyes.
My God, how I’d missed being able to look at him, really look at him, without worrying how it would present to my parents.
And, my God, how much had I missed the way he looked back at me?
“You’ve got it all wrong,” I insisted before leaning in to kiss him. He pulled back with a jolt, putting distance between us.
“Austin.”
“My family is great, Randall. So why wouldn’t I want what they have? Being with you last night, having you there, a part of our family tradition. The pizza, the walk down memory lane for every silly ornament. I wanted to share it all with you. I was so thrilled to share it all with you.
“And to watch you come out to them. I was so proud of you, Randall. All I wanted to do was scoop you up and hug you and tell you that a million times. To snuggle on the couch with you. To flirt and laugh and not hide. I know I said we could wait and get through this week, but …”
A very popular holiday song came on the radio, and I let out a barking laugh, tension leaving me even as Randall sat there looking tense and unsure. It was such a relief to tell him the truth.
“You are all I want for Christmas, Randall.”
“I just don’t see …”
“I do! I see it so clearly in the way my parents are around you. You’re not some neighbor, or work friend, or chamber of commerce buddy. My parents have colleagues and friends. But you, Randall. You’re family.”
“Austin. It’s not that simple.”
“It could be. Unless …” I looked at Randall, really looked at him.
Had I missed it? I had to look away to ask.
I reached into the back seat and found the shopping bag I’d been carrying.
I pulled one of the items out of it and handed it to him, my heart tugging and beating with more violence than the strongest waves.
“Unless you’re still hung up on my dad, or whatever.
I just thought, after the last few days … ”
He pulled off his glove and pulled the small bundle of tissue paper out of the bag.
I kept my eyes on the waves as I listened to him unwrap the ornament I’d purchased.
I pictured him looking at it, a hand-painted image of the ocean waves, the words “Breakwater Beach” arching across the top, “Our First Christmas” at the bottom, the year printed underneath.
He sighed.
Then he took my hand, pulling off my glove so that we were touching skin to skin. It was everything to me in that moment, and I cherished it, hoping to remember how the warmth of it washed over my entire body, my entire being. That’s what he did to me, but if I wasn’t that person for him …
“No, Austin. This isn’t just about Martin.
It’s about Martin and Stephanie. How are they ever going to accept this?
” He held the ornament up with his other hand.
“And it’s about you. You have your whole life ahead of you.
Any man would be proud to be with you. Why on earth …
” He was getting worked up in a way I hadn’t seen from him yet.
He was passionate, I decided, and that revelation had the opposite effect than what he was trying to convey.
“Why on earth would you want to be with some old man like me?” It wasn’t his feelings for my dad that were hanging him up; it was concern for me and my future.
“Tell me the truth, Randall. Do you not want this? Us? Do you not want to give this a try?”
He didn’t respond.
“Close your eyes,” I whispered, and he did so without hesitation, his thumb running over the raised surface of the ornament. I gave his hand a tight squeeze and closed my eyes too, afraid to look at him.
“Had we met randomly, I don’t know, at the grocery store, fighting over the last case of IPA.
If we’d flirted and gone back to your place and been snowed in for two days, getting to know each other, fucking like bunnies, watching romantic holiday movies and falling asleep to the sound of sexy superheroes … ”
“Ridiculous holiday movies …” Randall muttered. Then he laughed, and it sounded louder than the crashing waves outside, like the laugh itself crashing through me and loosening the constriction of my heart.
“If those two people had met, and that younger guy had asked to see you again. A younger guy about to graduate, who knows what he wants to do with his life, and who’s planning to be a medical student at a university that’s not even an hour away from your secluded cabin.
Tell me what you would have said to that guy, Randall. ”
His delayed silence had my heart pounding again. The ocean waves crashed over and over in front of us. Eventually, I opened my eyes to find him staring at me. He unhooked our hands to cup my cheek.
An eternity passed before he said, “I would have said ‘yes.’” He leaned in and kissed me, then the sound of the waves was the only noise aside from the rustling of our jackets for minutes on end.
He pulled away and began. “But …”
“But?”
“But we’ve only known each other for a few days. How are we ever going to convince your parents?”
I nodded and sighed. “That’s … practical.
I guess we should wait to tell them. In the meantime, Dad is practically pushing us together for New Year’s Eve.
Or more to the point, pushing you and Turner together.
How much did that suck to hear, by the way?
My dad trying to set you up with Turner!
But this should work to our advantage. Let’s just say Turner and Dalt have some unfinished business that goes back a few years.
It would be perfect if we could go out with them.
You were planning to stay until then, weren’t you? ”
He smiled at me. “Not originally. No. Your Dad insisted I stay for Christmas, and I figured I’d make my excuse to leave the next day. I thought maybe I’d spend some time in the city, being dramatic and alone. You know, maybe giving those hookup apps a go again.”
I grabbed his hand in both of mine. “Randall. Would you please be my date for New Year’s Eve?” I asked, and before he could answer, I quickly added, “And delete those fucking apps from your phone.”
His smile was bright and beautiful, and his eyes only had a hint of worry in them as he replied, “Yes. To both.” I imagined I wouldn’t see the worry leave his eyes until we somehow found a way to be honest with my parents.
He leaned in and kissed me again, but when his hand tried to sneak underneath the hem of my jacket, I pulled us apart.
“I’m guessing you really do need to put in some time for work?”