Chapter Three #2
Childcare was her biggest challenge as a single mother. She couldn’t hire a sitter every night in order to head back to the store so she tried to arrange her time and resources to work on as many projects as she could in those precious hours that her child slept.
It meant long hours and considerable fatigue but she was willing to pay the price if it meant more time with her child.
When had her kitchen shrunk? Somehow Ryan seemed to fill all the space. What was already a room on the small side now felt cramped and airless.
She did her best to ignore her reaction to him as she dished bowls of chili for everyone and cut pieces of corn bread.
Lydia insisted on saying grace as she loved to do. Some of her words were a little hard to follow, as usual, but not her enthusiastic “Amen.”
She added some cheese to Lydia’s chili and a couple of ice cubes to help cool it.
“Yum, Mommy,” Lydia said as she ate her first bite.
“This is soooo good,” Audrey added. “I was starving.”
“It really is,” Ryan said.
Fortunately, Lydia and Audrey chattered throughout the meal, talking about school, their friends and the upcoming holidays.
“That really was delicious,” Ryan said when everyone seemed to be finishing up. “I’m glad we stayed. Thank you.”
She had a feeling that wasn’t an easy admission for him. “You’re welcome,” she said.
Audrey pushed her chair away from the table. “I guess I had better go pack up my stuff.”
“Do you need my help?” Holly rose from her chair.
Audrey gestured for her to sit back down. “No. I don’t have that much. Only my clothes and chargers and stuff. It will take me five minutes, maybe.”
“I can help, Auddy.”
Lydia jumped up and followed the older girl she adored out of the room.
Holly felt on edge, suddenly, at finding herself alone with him again. She rose quickly and began clearing away their dinner dishes.
“Your daughter seems very sweet,” Ryan said as he stood to assist.
“She is. And smart, too. She is only five but can already read a few basic words.”
“You must work with her a lot.”
His words sparked more than a little guilt. In a perfect world, she would be able to devote as much time as needed to work on speech, occupational and physical therapy with Lydia. Her job was to give her child the best possible chance at a good future.
Juggling everything so that she could continue providing a roof over their heads meant she had to do her best with the time she had.
“I would love to do more, enroll her in every possible therapy. But I also feel it’s important for her to be a child first.”
He nodded as he rinsed off a dish and added it to the dishwasher. “I can’t imagine what a huge responsibility it must be, trying to prepare a child with challenges to face a world that might not always be accepting of them.”
To her dismay, she felt her throat close up. “I struggle with that every day. I can only keep trying to do my best.”
“Is Lydia’s dad a big part of her life?”
She avoided his gaze as she continued scooping the leftover chili into a storage container.
“We divorced two years ago, when she was three.” She tried to keep any inflection out of her voice. “Troy moved to Portland after our divorce. He comes back to visit when he can but it hasn’t been that often.”
“In other words, he’s not really in the picture.”
“I didn’t say that.”
“No. You didn’t. I said it.”
Of all the choices she had made in her life, the one she regretted most was not making a better choice of man to be her child’s father.
Troy wasn’t a bad person. He had plenty of good qualities, but he had struggled with that serious responsibility Ryan had been talking about. Lydia and her early challenges had overwhelmed and exhausted him.
“Actually, he’s coming out for a few weeks over the holidays with his wife and their baby. His sister’s wedding is one of the three I have this month. Hers is the weekend before Christmas.”
He raised an eyebrow. “Seriously? You’re handling the flowers for the wedding of your ex-sister-in-law?”
She shrugged. “Yes. Why not?”
“It’s not awkward and uncomfortable?”
“Kristine is still my friend, even though her brother and I are no longer together. She will always be Lydia’s aunt and her parents will always be my child’s grandparents. Troy and I divorced but there’s no reason I can’t still maintain a good relationship with his family.”
“I suppose that’s true. You make it sound easy but I’m guessing there’s more to it than that.”
His insight surprised her more than it probably should.
“To be honest, I was hoping I could participate from behind the scenes. You know. Sit in the back of the church during the ceremony, duck out of the reception early, skip the wedding rehearsal. That kind of thing. But now Kristine has asked Lydia to be her flower girl.”
“So much for staying behind the scenes.”
“Exactly. I wish I could pull Lydia out of the wedding party but she’s so excited about it. I can’t be that cruel, to her or to Kristine.”
“That’s a tough situation.”
Her whole life felt like one tough situation after another.
She shrugged. “We’ll be fine. It’s only one day. A few hours, really. I can survive a few hours of discomfort for the sake of people I care about.”
At least she hoped she could.