Chapter Twenty-One #2
He nodded. “Kris and Matt are in Hawaii on their honeymoon but everyone else will be there. Stacy and Paul and their kids. A few of the aunts and other extended family members who are still in town from the wedding. Dad is smoking a couple of turkeys. Should be fun.”
“It sounds lovely.”
She tried to smile, though something in her tone must have alerted him that she was still struggling with their arrangement.
“I’m sure you could join us if you want,” he said after a moment. “You know my family loves you. If you want the truth, I sometimes think they love you more than they love me.”
“You know that’s not true,” she said, though she felt a small, petty satisfaction at his disgruntled tone.
“Well, they would welcome you with open arms for Christmas if you want to join us.”
She could imagine few things she would enjoy less than Christmas Eve with her ex-husband’s family, where she would definitely be out of place.
“I’ll be fine,” she assured him. “I’m having dinner with my folks. Hannah wants us all to have a slumber party there.”
“You should. That sounds fun.”
“I don’t know. I haven’t made up my mind yet. Whatever I decide to do, I’ll be back here tomorrow when you bring her back”
“Okay. I’ll be in touch with an ETA.”
She nodded, then opened the rear door to smile at Lydia, who was strapped into her booster seat, playing with one of her stuffed toys she insisted on bringing along.
She vibrated with excitement, though whether that was the usual anticipation of Christmas Eve or from the prospect of staying overnight with her father and stepmother and grandparents, Holly didn’t know.
Her heart felt tight and achy. “Goodbye, sweetheart. I’ll see you tomorrow, okay?”
Lydia beamed at her, then her brow furrowed. “And Santa will know where I am, right?”
“Definitely. But there’s always a chance he might leave a few presents for you here, too. I guess we’ll find out tomorrow.”
Lydia’s eyes almost disappeared with her bright smile. She threw her arms wide and Holly leaned down to embrace her tightly.
“Merry Christmas, Lydi-bug.”
“Merry Christmas, Mommy. Love you.”
“I love you, too. So much,” she said, a tiny hitch in her voice.
“Are you sad?” Lydia asked, studying her carefully. Only recently had Lydia begun to become aware of other people’s emotions.
She wanted to offer some glib answer but she wouldn’t lie to her daughter about an honest reaction to a complicated situation.
“I’m a little sad for me,” she admitted. “But mostly I’m happy that you get to spend Christmas with your daddy and Brit and baby Hudson.”
She kissed the top of her head then quickly stepped away, waved one more time and closed the door.
She waited until after Troy backed out of the driveway and headed toward Haven Point before she let a tear drip down.
She quickly brushed it away.
Yes, the holidays could be tough to navigate after a divorce, especially when children were involved. But it was Christmas Eve, a time of joy and peace, and she refused to lose sight of that.
SOMEHOW SHE WAS able to put away her sadness throughout the afternoon and evening.
It simmered under the surface but it was hard to be completely down when engaged in a heated battle of Clue with her family.
“Hannah said the two of you are going to stay over tonight,” her mother said during a break in the action. “I’m so glad. It will be lovely to have you. Ash is staying, too. Micah, why don’t you join us?”
Her oldest brother leaned back in his chair. “You all are crazy. Why would I stay here in a tiny twin bed where my legs dangle over the edge when I have a perfectly comfortable pillow-top king bed at my place?”
“Because it will be fun! Just like old times, when you all were little and the house was filled with chaos and noise.”
“You’re not really selling this, Mom,” Ash said with a laugh.
“Anyway, I haven’t completely made up my mind,” Holly said. “I don’t think I’m great company right now.”
“Don’t be silly,” Paula said loyally. “You’re wonderful company, even when I can tell you’re distracted, worried about your girl.”
She squeezed her mom’s hand. “Thanks. I’m going to make some hot cocoa. Anybody else want some?”
“I do,” Micah said.
“Sure,” her father said. “If it’s not too much trouble.”
“We’ll just make hot cocoa all around,” Paula said. “I’ll help.”
Her mother jumped up and led the way into the kitchen.
“I can do this, Mom,” she said when they were alone and her mother started pulling out ingredients from the cupboard. “You could have stayed and played another game.”
“You know me. I’m not a big board game fan, especially when your father and brothers get so competitive. I’d rather sit around and chat. Why don’t you rest and let me make the hot cocoa?”
“Because it was my idea.”
“I know that. But it’s my kitchen.”
“Fine. I’ll help.”
She busied herself pulling out mugs for all of them. When she spotted the spouted cups with the handles that her mother had bought for Lydia, the special cups she loved using at her grandparents’ house, Holly had to hitch in a breath, missing her daughter with a fierce ache.
Unfortunately, her mother’s hearing was far too sharp.
“Are you all right?” Paula asked gently.
For one absurd moment, Holly wanted to throw her arms around her mother and weep. She knew was being utterly ridiculous. Lydia was six miles away, not on the other side of the planet. And she would see her in less than twenty-four hours.
“I’m fine. I’m just missing my girl, you know? It doesn’t really feel like Christmas without her.”
“Oh yes. I know all about that.” Her mother set aside the cocoa she was measuring and reached for her hand. “Being without your children this time of year can be so hard. Do you remember the first Christmas after you were married?”
“Vaguely,” she said with a wry smile. “Yes, I remember. It wasn’t that long ago.”
“I remember it well because it was my worst Christmas ever.”
“Why?”
“Everyone was gone that year. Your brothers decided to go on a backpacking trip together in Australia, remember? And Hannah was dating that dental student whose parents had a ski lodge in Utah so she decided to spend Christmas with them. And then you and Troy went on that Western Caribbean cruise with his family.”
She did remember that. While she had enjoyed the cruise, it had been an odd experience to spend the holidays surrounded by a ship full of strangers—okay, and her new in-laws—instead of her own family.
“I remember.”
“I have never felt so blue,” Paula confided. “I was a mess. I almost didn’t want to put up a Christmas tree at all. Or any other decorations, for that matter.”
“Oh. I’m sorry, Mom. You should have come on the cruise with us.”
“You know how seasick your father gets, even taking a little fishing boat out on calm Lake Haven. He wouldn’t have enjoyed an ocean voyage at all.”
That was true. Her dad suffered from terrible motion sickness. He could never take them on any amusement park rides when they were young, even the most tame merry-go-round, without being queasy.
“No, we had resolved to have a nice, quiet Christmas that year, but I was completely miserable. Your father finally sat me down and told me I was forgetting that the holidays aren’t only about the parties or the big family dinners.
They are about taking time to savor each moment and make cherished memories, even if you can’t always be with everyone you love. ”
“You’re right. I’m being ridiculous. I’m here with my family, all of us together. How rare is that these days, with everyone going their separate directions?”
“You’re right about all of that, except one thing.
You’re not being ridiculous at all. I don’t think that.
You’re a mother who misses her child. It’s completely understandable.
But as much as we love our children, we can’t always be the center of their worlds.
Lydia has a father, a stepmother and a baby brother.
They love her too and need the chance to create their own memories together with her. ”
She squeezed her mother’s hands. “You’re right. As always.”
Paula snorted. “I should record you saying that and play it back for your father whenever he happens to forget.”
She smiled, mostly because she knew her father adored his wife. No matter what else might be going on in their lives, David Goodwin never let a day go by without making sure Paula felt cherished.
“Do you mind finishing the cocoa without me? I need to run home for a moment,” she said.
Her mother looked confused and a little concerned. “Now? Why?”
“I need to grab my pajamas. I guess we’re having a Christmas Eve slumber party.”