Chapter 27
LEXI
Iended up working on Christmas Day. It was easy to pick up because hardly anyone wanted to work the holidays on our unit, even with the extra pay.
Since I had nothing else to do and really didn’t feel like spending the day alone in my apartment, I decided to work.
Besides, I needed a distraction. I hated the way Brandon and I had left things, which was a new feeling for me.
I couldn’t remember ever giving a shit about a fuck buddy’s feelings before.
The moment I closed the door to his car, I knew he was upset, and my chest had been aching ever since.
I tried to chalk it up to one too many servings of mashed potatoes, but apparently, I cared about Brandon.
Ready to celebrate a belated Christmas, I arrived at my mom’s apartment the day after with Chinese takeout.
It had been only the two of us for so long, and we usually spent every holiday together unless one of us was working.
Mom wasn’t much of a cook, what with having to work and take care of me all alone.
We basically lived on frozen foods and takeout, but I never complained.
“Hey, Mom,” I greeted as I walked into her kitchen, where she was sitting at the kitchen table, scrolling on her phone.
“Oh, hey Lexi bug. I didn’t hear you come in,” she replied, putting her phone down and rising to pull me into a powerful hug.
I melted into her embrace. God, I missed her.
Even though we talked often, we didn’t see each other as much as I’d like.
With her work schedule as a bartender and mine as a nurse, it was hard to find a day when neither of us had to work. I squeezed her tighter.
“Is everything okay, kiddo?” she asked, sounding a little concerned.
“Yeah, I’m fine,” I replied, took a step back, and lifted the bag still in my hand. “I brought Chinese.”
“Yum, my favorite. Put it on the table. I’ll grab some plates.” As I unpacked our food, she called over her shoulder, “So how was work yesterday?”
“Meh. It was okay. Nothing too crazy, and some family members brought us food, so that was nice.”
“And Christmas Eve? Whose house did you go to again?” she asked as she set a plate down in front of me.
“Daphne’s boyfriend’s dad’s house.” My mouth watered as I dumped some lo mein onto my plate.
“And her boyfriend is Nathan?”
“Mmmhmm,” I answered as I shoveled those tasty noodles into my mouth.
“And Nathan’s brother is the one doing your tattoo?” Mom loved details. She wanted to know everyone’s name, who was seeing whom, and never forgot a thing.
“Yep. Brandon. His other brother also works at the shop, and their dad too.”
“Ooooo, is their dad single?” Mom raised an eyebrow. “Is he hot? I love a guy with tattoos.”
“Mom, gross. I’m eating here.” I pretended to gag. “And what do you mean, you love a guy with tattoos? Since when?”
“Well, I am a grown-ass woman, last I checked. Have been for a while now,” she laughed. “And I have needs, kiddo.”
“Can we not, Mom, please?” This conversation was not happening. The last thing I wanted to talk about was my mom’s needs. Ewe. “Wait. Seriously though, do you date? I don’t remember you dating growing up.”
“Well, it’s not like I brought guys around you, but yes, I dated. I’m dating.” Interesting. Here I thought my mom was still pining for my dad. “You’re twenty-six, Lexi. Do you really think I haven’t had sex all this time?”
“Jesus, Mom.”
“What? Grow up. You weren’t conceived by immaculate conception, you know.” My mom was being way too casual about this conversation. Meanwhile, everything I thought I knew was unraveling at the seams.
“Mom, I’m not an idiot. I know you’ve had sex, but it’s not something I really want to talk about.” I chewed my lip. “I’m more surprised to learn that you dated when I was younger.”
“I didn’t bring anyone around because things never got that serious. I wasn’t about to bring just anyone around my daughter.”
“Yeah, that makes sense, but I guess I always thought you were too sad about Dad leaving to date.” I shrugged my shoulders, not believing I was actually having this conversation with my mom after all of these years.
Mom reached across the table to grab my hand.
“I was sad when your dad left, and it took me a long time to get over that, but I did get over it. We were just kids ourselves when we had you, and your dad didn’t want the same life as I did.
It devastated me when he left, but I know now that it was for the best.”
“You never talked about him, and I never brought it up because I didn’t want to make you sad,” I recalled all the times I’d seen her crying when I was supposed to be in bed. How could I have possibly asked about the person who was causing her so much pain?
“And I never brought him up because I didn’t want to upset you. Guess we both weren’t very good at communicating. But I’m your mom, and I should have talked about him more, or at least asked you if you wanted to know about him. I’m sorry.” A single tear slipped down her cheek.
I got up and pulled her into a hug. “Please don’t cry…
You did a great job being both my mom and my dad.
I never asked because I didn’t want to upset you, but also because screw him.
Screw him for leaving you to do this all on your own.
” Shit, now I was getting emotional. I did my best to hide it, but several tears worked their way out and down my face, which was now buried in my mom’s hair.
“I wouldn’t have changed a thing, Lexi bug. You’re my entire world.” We stayed like that for a few moments, and then she continued, “It was for the best, believe me.”
I pulled away and wiped my damn leaky eyes. “What do you mean?”
“Well, I guess you’re old enough to know.” She sat back and looked at her hands in her lap, searching for her next words.
“To know what, Mom?”
“Your dad ended up taking a pretty rough road. He started drinking and doing drugs, and eventually ended up in and out of jail. I kept track of him for a while, but the last I heard, he was out west somewhere.” She took a deep breath.
“He tried to come back once, but he was so fucked up, I couldn’t let him anywhere near you.
That’s when we moved to the city. I didn’t want him to find us again. ”
“Shit, Mom. I had no idea.”
“How could you? You were so young—I didn’t want you to think about that kind of stuff, and then, as you got older, I didn’t see the point in bringing it up. I always figured you’d ask if you wanted to know.”
I sat quietly, mulling over this new information. Did this change the way I felt about my absentee father? Not really. He still left. Knowing he chose drugs and alcohol over a relationship with me, over us, didn’t change my opinion of him.
“Do you think you’ll ever let someone in again?” I whispered.
“I have, several times, actually, but they weren’t for me.
What happened with your dad was a long time ago, and it doesn’t affect me the way it did when I was younger.
We were kids who thought we were in love, but I know now that’s not what it was, and I’m ready for the real thing whenever it comes along. ”
All this time, I thought she was pining for my dad and closing herself off from love, but she was actually dating and putting herself out there.
“Aren’t you afraid of getting hurt again?” I asked, needing to know the answer now more than ever.
“I guess so, but it’s not going to stop me from living my life.” She grabbed my hand again. “I might get hurt again, but it’s a risk I’m willing to take because I’d eventually like to find my forever partner. Life can be pretty lonely without someone to share it with.”
“You’re lonely?” My heart ached for her.
“Sometimes. But I have great friends, and I have you. Having a partner would just be the icing on my already pretty great cake.” She sat back in her chair.
“I’m content with my life, Lexi. If I never find someone, that would be okay too, but if I find him, I’m going to hold on tight for as long as we have together.
How’s the saying go? It’s better to have loved and lost? ”
“I’m seeing a whole other side of you, Mom.”
“You really thought I spent the last twenty-some years sitting here pining for your father?”
“I thought you were trying to avoid having your heart broken again.”
“Is that what you’re doing?” She asked, catching me off guard.
“What do you mean?”
“You know exactly what I mean. I don’t think you’ve ever had a serious relationship, and you don’t really let people get close, from what I’ve noticed.” She leveled me with a serious look.
“First of all, I dated in college.” Lie. Unless you consider a string of one-night stands as dating. “Second, Daphne and I are very close, and I have friends at work.” She was touching on a very sore subject, especially now with how things were with Brandon.
“You can’t spend your whole life pushing people away.”
“And why not?” The question fell out of my mouth involuntarily. I should have protested—denied the accusation—but it was true, and lying to my mom didn’t feel like something I wanted to do.
“Oh, Lexi. I’m sorry your dad wasn’t around. I’m sorry I didn’t show you a better example of healthy relationships,” she sighed.
“Don’t you dare blame yourself. You are the best mom I could’ve asked for. I love you so much.” I batted the tears away that had trickled down my face.
Mom’s arms wrapped around me as I sobbed. What the fuck? I rarely cried, and I wasn’t really sure why I was crying now. I allowed myself to fall apart in my mother’s arms for a few minutes before pushing her away and wiping my face with my sleeve.
“Sorry,” I hiccupped. “I don’t know what came over me.”
“I think you’ve gotten used to hiding your feelings, kiddo, and now they’re all bubbling up to the surface. Have you ever thought about talking to someone?” she asked with a wince.
“I don’t need a shrink, Mom.”
“What’s wrong with talking to someone to help you sort out your emotions? Weren’t you the one to suggest it to Daphne?”
“This isn’t the same. Marcus was manipulating her, and she needed help to see that.”
“So you’re going to just keep pushing people away?”
“I’m fine, Mom. I don’t need therapy. My life is perfectly fine the way it is. I’m happy.”
“Whatever you say, bug.” She stood and started clearing our plates. “I’m here for you if you ever want to talk or have more questions about your dad, okay?”
“Yeah, okay. I think I’m good for now. I need to process this new information.”
The next night, I had Daphne over for a much-needed girls’ night. It felt like ages since we’d had a night all to ourselves. I was ready with all of her favorite snacks and a bottle of our favorite wine when she arrived.
“So, how was Christmas with your parents?” I asked as we settled into our spots on my couch. “Are they madly in love with Nathan now, too?”
“Har, har. It was nice. And it wasn’t too awkward,” she chuckled. “You’ve met Nathan—he’s so damn charming. How could they not like him?”
“Yeah, I guess. Did they say anything about how soon it all happened? I remember you saying they thought it was too soon for you to be getting into something after the one who will not be named,” I snickered.
Daphne didn’t share my sense of humor when it came to dickhead, I guess, because she ignored me, moving on.
“I think they’re warming up to him. It was really nice, actually.” Daphne stared off into space, reminiscing.
“My Christmas was great. Thanks for asking,” I laughed.
“Shit, sorry. I zoned out there for a minute. Work wasn’t a shitshow then?”
“No, thankfully, it was pretty chill, and a few family members brought us food and treats, so that was an added bonus on top of the double time.”
“That’s good. So what’s been going on with you? I feel like we haven’t really had a chance to catch up in a while.” Daphne pulled her legs up under her and turned toward me, giving me her full attention.
Great. This was my chance to come clean—to tell her about Brandon. My heart raced, and I felt all tingly.
“What’s the matter?” she asked, looking serious.
“Nothing… I… It’s just that I… Nothing.” I stuttered over my words. I needed to tell her the truth, but why was this so hard? I took a big sip of wine.
“Does this have anything to do with you and Brandon?”
My eyes grew wide, and I choked and sputtered on my wine. After a minute of knocking on death’s door, I regained the ability to talk. “Why would you say that?”
“You guys have been spending all that time together for your tattoo, and you looked awfully chummy the other night.” She didn’t look upset, but I kept quiet, hoping she’d do the hard part for me. “But don’t go getting any ideas,” she joked.
“What’s that supposed to mean?” I asked, feeling a little defensive.
“Seriously, Lexi, it would be a total clusterfuck if you guys hooked up. Think about it. Nathan and I are solid, and we’ll be spending more holidays and stuff together now.
You are my best friend, and Brandon is not only his brother but also one of his closest friends.
If you guys actually ended up dating, that would be really cool, but I don’t want things getting weird if you hook up and Brandon goes and gets attached.
” She put her hand on my leg. “I love you, girl, but you’re a self-proclaimed fuckgirl.
From what I’ve learned about him, that’s not Brandon’s style, and he likes you.
I can tell, but I don’t want him getting hurt. ”
She was making good points. Even though I wasn’t ready for a relationship, I didn’t want Brandon to get hurt. As much as I wanted to come clean to Daphne, maybe I needed to end things with him or, better yet, get over my bullshit and date him like an adult.