Chapter 17 Ella #2
He grinned in response, and I had to look away.
“Shower?” he asked.
I nodded. “Necessary at this point.”
He had to help me from the bed. My legs were jello.
“If I have another orgasm right now, I’ll probably have a heart attack,” I told him.
We got into the shower together. He made me come again. I somehow managed to live through it.
***
I was glowing. Positively radiating contentment. So deliriously happy that not even the sound of the dryer buzzer blaring out from my bathroom could make a dent in my mood. If not for the fact that it would drive the dogs berserk, I’d be singing.
Two days ago, Ben and I had sex. Mind-blowing sex. Sex that was in turns gentle, rough, sweet, funny, and so intimate that I didn’t think I’d ever felt that connected to another human being. Every time I remembered the look on his face as he came, a little shiver of pleasure ran through me.
I switched the laundry, hauled the clean clothes up my stairs, folded them, and then retreated back downstairs into my little art studio tucked in the very back corner of the house.
It was a closet of a room, but I kept most of my supplies stowed elsewhere, so only a desk and a chair and whatever medium I was working with on a given day cluttered it up when I used it.
Today I’d laid a throw cloth over the middle of the room, on top of which sat my easel.
I’d come in here this morning thinking to start a new line of artwork for next year’s calendar series.
Yeah, that wasn’t happening. On the canvas, Ben came to life in watercolors, his portrait painted in greens and blues and golds.
I used warmer hues of each, because I couldn’t think of him without picturing the technicolor lights of summer.
I stood in the doorway staring at it for a full minute, a stupid, self-satisfied grin on my face.
My phone chimed from the desk. I nearly tripped in my rush to reach it. The name “Stan” lit up my screen.
What are you doing? he wanted to know.
Painting, I told him.
Painting what?
Did I answer honestly? Was it weird that I was painting him? Screw it. I was too happy to be neurotic right now.
You, I answered.
Really? Can I see?
Sure, but it’s not done yet. I can send you a picture.
Don’t bother.
Huh?
Out in the living room, the dogs started barking. I peeked out the window and saw his Jeep coming up the driveway. My stomach erupted in butterflies as I raced down the hallway.
“Go get him,” I told the dogs, yanking the front door open.
They raced out into the snow.
I shoved my feet into my boots, tugged on a jacket, and followed them.
He climbed out of the Jeep to pet the dogs. I all but sprinted down the front walk. Behind him, Boots and Doodle batted at the rear window with their little paws like, “Lemme out, lemme out!”
Ben straightened as I neared him. Just in time.
“Hi,” I said, taking a flying leap at him.
He caught me out of the air with an, “Oof!”
I wrapped my legs around his waist and clung to him like a spider monkey, peppering the side of his face and neck with kisses.
His chest rumbled with laughter. “Glad there’s no awkwardness between us now.”
“God, you smell good. You want to come inside and then come inside?”
His answering groan went straight to my core. The hands that held me up slipped to my ass, pulling me close, so that I couldn’t miss the way his dick swelled in response.
I heard a muffled yip over the sound of my racing pulse and craned my head around to see Boots and Doodle watching us from inside the Jeep with their tongues hanging out.
Awkwaaard.
“The dogs,” I said.
He let me go, and I slid down him. His erection pressed between us in a way that made it difficult to think about anything else.
“The dogs,” he repeated, his expression dazed as he stared at my mouth.
A thrill of power shot through me. There was something infinitely satisfying in knowing that I drove him to distraction the same way he did me.
I’d been absolutely useless since we’d gotten naked together.
I burned dinner last night because I was distracted by my memories.
The skin on my fingers pruned in the shower this morning because I was so lost to daydreams of next time.
Every hour or so, I stopped whatever I was doing to giggle.
Ridiculous.
I rose onto my toes and pressed my lips to his, briefly. “The dogs,” I said, pulling back. “Doodle looks about ready to diddle on your car seat.”
The lust cleared from his expression. Nothing like the threat of puppy piss on leather to snap a man out of it.
He jerked away from me and pulled open the back door.
It was too high for the puppies to jump safely down from, so we each took one and placed them gently on the ground.
They were immediately swarmed by Fred and Sam, who sniffed them over like concerned parents.
I could almost hear them consoling the puppies about the discomfort of car rides.
Ben leaned against the Jeep and then reached out and pulled me to him, turning me so that my back pressed against his chest. One long arm wrapped around my waist. The other snaked across my shoulders, and I was enveloped in his warmth.
I let out a contented sigh and settled in to watch the dogs tumble after each other through the snow.
“I came over here because I want to talk to you about something,” he said. He sounded serious.
“What’s up?”
“You know how my parents were going to fly out here next week?”
I nodded.
“Well, we pushed the date up. They’re on a flight out right now.”
I stiffened in his embrace, nervous about meeting them in person so soon after our relationship had changed. “Okay. And the reason for this was?”
“I scheduled the advanced tests for CTE. I’m going to meet them in Boston tomorrow.”
Holy shit.
I turned within his arms. “How are you feeling?”
His expression was drawn. “Honestly? Terrified.”
I wrapped my arms around his waist and hugged him, burying my face in his jacket. So many words crowded together in my mind, of comfort, of consolation, but I hesitated to say them, feeling like none were worthy.
“I’ve been terrified about this for months,” he told me.
I hugged him harder.
He dropped a kiss on top of my head. “The fear isn’t going away, or getting any better.
If anything, I’m worried it’s getting worse.
I don’t want to be crippled by anxiety-induced procrastination.
I can’t live like I have been, trapped in ignorance.
That’s not a healthy place for me to be.
Not while battling depression. The only way to move forward is to actually know once and for all what my future might look like. ”
I didn’t tell him it was going to be okay.
Because it might not be. I didn’t validate his fear or worry.
He was intelligent, and more in tune with his emotions than most men I knew.
Plus, he had a therapist who had probably done a way better job of helping him unpack all these feelings than I ever could.
I also didn’t offer to go with him, though I wanted to.
We’d only been friends for weeks. We’d only been lovers for days.
My tagging along would be selfish, filling my own desire to be there for him.
And if we were photographed together? The paparazzi might go nuts.
I could be identified, and then his cover here would be blown.
Instead, I said the only thing that seemed like it fit. “Whatever you need, I’m here. To watch the puppies or clean the house or just to be there for deliveries. Seriously, anything, Ben.”
His arms tightened around me. “Thank you. I already asked Jack to watch the dogs and look after the house. But I’ll let him know you’re available for backup.”
A question jumped to the tip of my tongue.
I pulled away and looked up at him. I wanted to read his features, to gauge whether or not I pushed him too far on this, so I could stop before upsetting him any further.
God only knew how stressed he must be on top of the fear, and I didn’t want to force him to talk about this if it made it worse.
“What tests are you having done?” I asked.
The wind caught a strand of my hair, blowing it in front of my face. He tucked it behind my ear before answering. “Some of them are pretty new. Like, not approved by the FDA new.”
“Are they safe?”
He nodded. “As safe as any of the others. For one of them, I’m not the first stage of their human guinea pigs. My results will add to the two dozen military vets and ex-USFL players they’ve already tested.”
“How is it different from the MRIs and cognitive tests?”
“They inject you with a molecular tracer that bonds with the abnormal proteins that lead to CTE and then scan your brain. It’s the one that shows the most promise, because they also scanned the brains of people with Alzheimer’s and noticed an actual difference between the two.”
“Are you having the others done too?”
“Yeah. I’ll be gone for a few days at least.”
His expression tightened as he lifted his gaze and looked out at the dogs.
My own fear crept in as I stared up at him. He might have CTE. This big, strong, caring man might one day be brought low by a degenerative brain disease. His depression might get worse. He could end up with mood swings. Memory loss.
The thought made me want to break down sobbing. I pulled free and turned away from him before he could see it on my face. He was already afraid. No need to add my terror to his.
“Fred, what are you even doing?” I called, thankful for the distraction of the dogs.
Fred held a frisbee in his mouth, just over Boots’ head. Whenever the puppy jumped up to bite it, Fred moved it just out of reach. Like he was teasing him.
“I swear they’re like human kids sometimes,” I said, marching through the snow toward them. “Give me that, you jerk.” I took the frisbee from him and chucked it across the yard.