Chapter 18 Ben
In Aroostook County, you’re always aware of the remoteness of the area. It’s more than the obvious lack of people and buildings.
The wind that blew down from the alpine ridges carried a pervasive scent of snow and some indefinable mixture of stone and pine and inhospitable wilderness. The bitter cold felt dangerous. With no light pollution, the night sky seemed closer, like I could reach up and touch the stars.
They were still out in all their glory this early in the morning, dimmed only a little by the sliver-thin sickle of waxing moon that sat low over the tree line.
I stared up at it for a minute after shutting the rear door of the Jeep.
It was easy to imagine, standing here in this land of rivers and mountains, how the local tribes might have worshipped it in the same way that my ancestors had.
Maybe they even had their own version of Hina in the Moon.
The wind picked up, a blast of subzero air buffeting me.
I brought my gaze back down to earth and headed toward the house.
Boots and Doodle met me just inside the door.
I scooped a puppy up in each hand, then pulled the door shut behind me with the toe of my boot and went to put them in the vehicle.
I started it thirty minutes ago, leaving the engine running while I loaded it. In all that time, the temperature gauge had barely moved off of its lowest reading. It was still cold inside, so I settled the puppies on a little nest of blankets in the back seat and went to lock up the house.
The wind pulled at me as I made the short trip to the front door.
It tugged at my hair with insistent fingers until several strands were loose.
One hit me right across the eyeball, and I had a sudden urge to cut it all off.
But then I remembered the feel of Ella fisting it in her hands while I fingered her in the shower the other night and thought better of it.
The wind hit me in the face again as I turned back to the Jeep, wiping the small grin from my lips.
It would be nice to get a little bit further south.
The temperature in Boston today was supposed to reach a balmy thirty-nine degrees.
Ella was jealous when I told her. It hadn’t gotten above freezing here in weeks.
I almost asked her to come with me and experience it for herself, but didn’t.
That would have been selfish. She had a life, a business.
Who would watch the dogs on such short notice?
She’d have to shut down her digital storefronts.
Work like a maniac to get all her open orders out.
And me asking her would have been unhealthy too.
Because the driving factor behind it was for her to be my emotional crutch.
To lift me up with her positivity and inexhaustible enthusiasm.
To act as a go-between for me and my parents if shit got awkward or tough.
That wouldn’t be fair, to her, my parents, or myself.
I climbed into the jeep, cupped my hands, and blew some warm air into them before I gathered the courage to touch the steering wheel.
“You two seen my gloves?” I turned and saw Doodle chewing on the finger of one. “Gimme that, you little destructicon.”
It took me several minutes to pry it away from him, mostly because I was trying to be gentle and didn’t want to hurt his little teeth by pulling too hard.
I tugged the gloves on afterward and glanced at the rest of the stuff crowding the vehicle.
Everything I might need for the trip was packed.
My duffle bag full of clothes sat in the way back, with more spare blankets and a two-way radio in case I broke down somewhere without cell reception.
I’d thrown my backpack into the passenger seat after loading it up with snacks and water.
My phone had an entire day’s worth of podcasts downloaded onto it to keep me entertained during the long drive.
I just needed to drop the puppies and a spare set of keys off at Jack’s. I’d taken care of everything else. I was ready. Well, as ready as I’d ever be for what I was about to put myself through.
Jack stood on the front porch when I pulled up. Together we got the puppies and all their supplies inside before he offered me a cup of coffee for the road.
“No thanks,” I told him. “Trying to cut back on caffeine.”
“Your parents excited to see your place after your sight-seeing trip?”
“They are. Thanks again for offering to put the bed together for them while I’m gone.” It was supposed to get there tomorrow.
“No problem,” he said.
I rubbed the back of my neck, feeling shitty for all the lies of omission I’d told him over the past several months. “Hey, so, I’m not going down there to sight-see.”
He looked at me in a way that made me feel like he wanted to nod in a Well, no shit kind of way, and I wondered, for the hundredth time, whether or not he’d known who I was all along. Only one way to find out.
“I’m going to have some tests done,” I told him.
His expression darkened. “Cancer?”
“No. A possible brain injury.”
“Ah.”
“I used to play football.”
He angled his head sideways. “You don’t say.”
“Jesus, man, do you know who I am?” Too late I realized the words made me sound arrogant.
Jack broke into a grin and patted me on the shoulder. “Course I do. You think I’m some hillbilly out of touch with the world?”
“Uh…”
His smile widened, a mischievous gleam in his eye that reminded me of Ella. “Everyone always forgets I have a laptop in the office and cable internet.”
“Well, damn, Jack. Why didn’t you say anything?”
He shrugged. “Figured you came up here to get away from all that. Thought you might just want someone to bullshit with.”
“I did. Thank you.”
He nodded. “No problem. Good luck with the tests. I can look after the house and hang onto the dogs as long as you need.”
I pointed at him. “Hey, now. I know you have puppy envy. I see what you’re doing here.”
He put his hands up in an innocent gesture I didn’t believe for a second.
The Jeep sat idling outside, so I didn’t linger, saying a quick goodbye to him and my boys before bracing the chill of the morning once more.
I backed out of his driveway, took the big hill down into town, and then started the long journey south out of Maine.
Mom and Dad’s flight touched down in Logan at three, so that gave me plenty of time to get there.
I left an hour earlier than necessary to factor in rest stops and the odd chance I hit traffic on the interstate.
The first hour went by pretty fast, my mind preoccupied with all the things I still needed to do today: the drive ahead, picking up my parents, checking into our hotel rooms, trying to find somewhere to grab dinner, and mostly, the conversation I needed to have with them about my depression and anxiety.
I focused hard on that, planning out what to say and trying to predict how they’d react.
It was better than fixating on the reason we were meeting in Boston in the first place.
My phone rang around eight, Ella’s name flashing over my screen. I paused the podcast I had on and picked it up.
“Good morning,” I said.
She answered with a loud yawn. “Hi, sorry. Good morning.”
“You just wake up?”
“God, no. I’ve been awake since four.”
Yikes, even earlier than me. “How come?”
She was quiet.
“Ella?”
“Just thinking about you. How are you feeling this morning?”
“Better than yesterday.”
After our quickie in her bathroom, we spent the rest of the afternoon on her sofa, wrapped around each other, not talking much, binge-watching TV and playing with the dogs to distract ourselves.
“That’s good,” she said.
“I think deciding to do this relieved a lot of stress I hadn’t even been aware of.”
“I get that. Some of the worst anxiety I’ve ever had was when something big loomed on the horizon. Like when I decided to stop painting one-offs and start selling stationery. Oh, God, sorry. I know it’s not nearly the same as what you’re going through, but I-”
“I know, Ella,” I said, softening my tone as I cut her off.
Her voice had started to take on that slightly panicked edge it got when she worried she’d said something offensive or offhand, and I’d learned from experience it was best to stop her before she started in on herself too hard.
“You’re just trying to relate. It’s understandable.
I’d do the same thing if our roles were reversed. ”
She exhaled heavily. “You are so frigging sweet, do you know that?”
I grinned. “You might have mentioned that once or twice.”
“I mean it, Ben. You give me the adult, sexual version of cute aggression.”
“Is that even a thing?”
“Sexgression? No, that sounds predatory. Cuteousal?”
“Ella, I’m trying to drive here,” I said, laughing. “What the fuck is cuteousal?”
“Cute arousal. Duh.”
“Too bad you’re not here to show me what cuteousal looks like,” I teased.
Her tone turned low and sultry. “Oh, I’d show you, all right.”
An image of her pretty little mouth wrapped around my dick flashed through my mind. And now I was driving with a semi. I checked my speed and slowed down some. It would be really fucking awkward to get pulled over right now.
“Again, trying to drive here,” I said.
“Let the record show that you started it.”
“Fair.”
We were quiet for a few minutes, the silence between us stretching and becoming slightly uncomfortable.
“Ben?”
“I’m still here,” I told her.
“I’m sorry you’re going through this.”
I let out a heavy breath. “Thank you.”
“I should have said it yesterday, but I kind of internalized a lot of it and turned slightly neurotic.”
“You’re saying it now, and that’s all that really matters.”
“I hope everything goes okay tonight with your parents. Just remember all the tips Brian gave you for talking about it with them.”
“Thanks. I will. I even wrote them down in case I need some cues to keep me on track.”