Chapter 18
Alicia
The food was delicious; Jamie had chosen well.
There were about ten different small plates, including mushrooms stuffed with Scottish cheddar, haggis bon bons, west coast garlic prawns, and ginger North Sea scallops.
Some of it was indulgent food that Alicia wouldn’t normally eat – but the weather here did not lend itself to salad.
She was starving after hiking home from the bothy, sketching Jamie, kissing Jamie in a sauna, and an unwanted encounter with a creepy ass weirdo.
A lot had happened in the past twenty-four hours.
‘Thank you so much for ordering this.’ Alicia sipped from a glass of the plummy Cabernet Sauvignon Jamie had chosen to accompany the meal.
It was going down like liquid chocolate.
Ordinarily, she’d have chosen a white to complement the food, but he was confident about the red and she had to concede.
‘You’ve chosen perfectly,’ she said. ‘I’ll give you some money for my share. ’
‘Thanks and no, you won’t. This is my treat. My way of saying welcome to Scotland and thank you for a perfect couple of days.’
Jamie was right. Besides the sauna incident with Dean, they’d had a lovely time since meeting in the bothy yesterday.
But something was tainting the evening. He was being so kind, generous and unassuming, and Alicia was lying to him.
If it hadn’t been for Dean unsettling things, then she could possibly have carried on not revealing her identity.
But Jamie’s approach of letting her come to him in her own time, drove home how much she owed him the truth.
‘How’re you feeling?’ he asked.
‘I’m good.’ Alicia sipped her wine for courage.
‘Listen, Jamie, there’s something I need to say.
’ She wished she’d said this earlier so the meal could be as relaxing as possible.
There was no need for this to be a big deal, but it was becoming one in her head.
If Alicia revealed she was famous, Jamie might get star-struck and stop acting naturally with her.
She suspected he wasn’t the star-struck type, but what might happen later bothered her, what he might find on the internet: all the stories, the scandal.
The pictures. Then the cosy little snow globe that she was living in at this hotel, in this lodge with the fire crackling, reassuring red wine in hand, a blanket of fresh snow providing a barrier between here and the real world, would be smashed open and never put together again.
‘Sure. Go ahead.’ Jamie swirled the wine in his glass, the red matching the burgundy of his plaid shirt, rolled up to reveal those solid forearms again.
She should be thinking only of things like Jamie’s arms. Why did she have to worry about being famous, being ashamed of who she was?
He wasn’t ashamed of himself. He was just sitting, patiently waiting for her to speak to him, being relaxed and comfortable in his own skin.
Did it matter, anyway? Why was she jumping the gun and acting like they were going to be in a relationship?
They could have some fun and not know each other inside out.
Isn’t that what Jamie wanted? But Alicia wasn’t that kind of person and if he wasn’t either then she risked losing him by lying when the opportunity to be truthful was right in front of her.
Also, if she didn’t tell him who she was, she had no way of knowing if she should sleep with him or not.
Because the measure of whether she should, would be in how he reacted to her revelation.
God, this was complicated. And sometimes with complicated things, you had to take the plunge.
‘So, you know what that guy Dean said down in the sauna?’ Alicia watched the wine in Jamie’s glass steady itself and tried to do the same with her nerves.
‘Aye. You been worrying about it? You shouldn’t waste a minute of your time on that arse, whatever he said. So, we had a wee kiss. Who’s he to judge either of us?’
‘Yes, but he wasn’t judging you, Jamie. He was judging me and the reason why is what I need to tell you.’
‘Okay.’ Jamie swigged some wine. Something about the casualness of his response terrified Alicia even more. If she was over thinking the level of honesty required here, she’d look like a proper fool. He might even laugh at her and say that she should never have felt obliged to tell him.
‘I… Um—’
‘It’s okay. If you feel awkward, then don’t explain. I think I might understand, anyway.’
‘Huh?’ What’s he about to say? That he already knows what I look like naked, how I show myself in the most intimate way to those I think I can trust? Oh God! I should be entitled to the dignity of revealing myself when I choose to. ‘What do you understand?’ she asked, her teeth seriously on edge.
‘I said I might understand. Maybe that you are famous? You are a model. I’m not exactly in touch with the celebrity world so it could have escaped me, but it would explain other people’s reactions.’
Alicia pursed her lips to stop her teeth setting off. Jamie knew but didn’t know. That was good and not good.
‘I’m right?’ he asked.
This moment had to come eventually, but Alicia wanted to avoid it for as long as possible – to live in a bubble of anonymity and innocence. ‘Kind of. Not really. Ish,’ she said.
‘“Ish” tells me something but not much.’ Jamie smiled in such an arresting way that it caught her off guard and the words spilled out of her mouth.
‘I’m a former model.’
He nodded, his wine glass meeting his lips once more. ‘Well that makes sense.’
This understated reaction told Alicia nothing whatsoever.
As Jamie swallowed and searched her face, time slowed down and she grasped for something to cling onto.
She registered every nuance in his expression, every flare in his eyes that might hold a spark of recognition, every crease in his brow as he examined her, the way he ran his hand over his beard in concentrated examination.
It was happening in seconds, but to Alicia it felt like minutes, hours even.
Finally, Jamie shook his head and sat back in his seat, shoulders wide.
Reclining in pride? Had he placed her? Worked it all out: the Donoghue connection, the links to Chad, the accompanying ignominy. Was it time for the bubble to burst?
‘I’m so sorry,’ he said. ‘I really––’
Oh, God.
‘I really had no idea you were famous.’
Wait. What?
‘You had…no idea? Seriously?’ Alicia gripped onto the table’s edge.
‘Yeah, sorry. I’m not sure you understand quite how much I don’t keep my finger on the fame pulse. I’m hopeless.’
Alicia’s hand slipped from the table. Jamie was apologising for not knowing who she was, having no idea of how much this meant to her. How wonderful it was that the man before her was the same man as before, rather than a disappointed version.
‘Don’t be sorry,’ she said.
‘No, I am sorry.’ He scraped his fist through his hair. ‘Sometimes I’m a bloody idiot. Like I’ve forgotten your birthday or something. Good old out of touch Grandpa Jamie strikes again.’
Alicia clapped her hands in delight. ‘Bring him on. Bring on out of touch Grandpa Jamie. The Cary Grant movies should have been a sign.’ Did she seem too relieved and jovial in all of this? After all, why should her fame be something she was so desperate to hide.
‘I do have a few questions,’ Jamie added. ‘Why “former model”?’
Alicia was more than happy to answer questions because she was confident they would be safe. She was back in control of the narrative. ‘I was a model back in my teens and early twenties,’ she explained. ‘I gave it up because I got old and to be an artist.’
‘You’re not old now.’
‘Old by modelling industry standards. It wasn’t what I loved but it made me money, which I was careful with, so I decided to concentrate on my art and turn my back on fame.’
‘Well, I feel like a class-A numptie for not knowing this.’
‘A whattie now?’
‘An idiot. A tattie heid.’
Alicia brightened. ‘I’m not sure what a “tattie heid” is but you’re definitely not an idiot. And I can’t tell you how refreshing it is that you don’t know me.’
‘Why? Have you got something to hide?’
Oh shit. I walked into that one. ‘No, it’s not that. It’s just rare to be given the opportunity to present yourself to someone and have no preconceptions in the room. It’s lovely, actually.’
‘Aye, I can imagine. So, was your stage name Alicia Williams? That was the surname you gave at check-in, right?’
Alicia knew the name thing would be a sticking point and it was best she came clean about her family.
Surely the worst part was over in that she had as much of a clean slate with this man as she would have with anyone.
‘It was, but I go by Alicia Jansen. Although my real name is Alicia Donoghue. I expect you’ve heard of the Donoghues. ’
Jamie paused with his glass of red in mid-air and stared mouth slightly agape. ‘Like Clark Donoghue?’
‘Like Clark Donoghue. He’s my father.’
‘Really? Fuck me! Clark Donoghue is a total legend. Night of the Albatross is one of my favourite movies ever. You’re his daughter?’
‘I am.’
‘Alright, my mind is officially blown.’ Jamie put his wine down. ‘But you didn’t follow the family into acting. Your brothers are actors, aren’t they?’
‘They are. I was in a soap as a kid but I asked my parents to let me retire from acting. I’m the black sheep in that respect. Like you, I prefer peaceful things, like painting and minding my own business. But recently, I’ve taken on a few roles and sort of fallen back under the spotlight.’
‘But why, if you dislike it so much?’
‘It’s a long story. Basically, I was happily being an artist, then I had an exhibition and I met Chad Bradbury. You may have heard of him?’ It was unrealistic to expect Jamie to be so completely in the dark that he hadn’t heard of Chad. It was like expecting someone to not know who Tom Cruise was.