Chapter 23
Jack sat where he was, totally still, letting Jenna’s words reverberate through him.
That hadn’t gone as he’d expected. As he’d hoped.
He’d managed barely one sentence before Jenna had gone full banshee on him and started screaming.
And some of the stuff she’d said—well, it had hurt .
A lot. Was that really how she thought of him?
As someone who neglected his family just so he could make money and feel important?
All right, yes, it might have been who he used to be, but he wasn’t now, and Jenna knew that.
The fact that she would throw all that at him now felt like a very low blow.
When she’d first started her tirade, he’d been waiting for a chance to interrupt her and explain, but the longer she’d gone on, the more he wasn’t sure he wanted to.
If this was what she really thought about him…
Well, it was hard not to wonder if what they’d had together was remotely real.
Maybe she was right, and it had been nothing more than a distraction…
for them both. A moment out of time, because they were very different people with different ideas and goals.
Clearly. Hadn’t Jenna shown him just how much by throwing all that at him without even giving him a chance to explain?
A sigh escaped him, low and defeated. He really had thought this day would be going in a different direction, but maybe it was easier like this. Simpler, anyway…
Except it didn’t feel either easy or simple.
And, Jack realized, Jenna had played into all his fears just as he’d played into hers.
Throwing back all the parts of himself that he was ashamed of and trying to change, while he’d basically re-enacted her worst moment, by fumbling the receipt of her declaration of caring.
Definitely not in love, she’d said, which suddenly, improbably, made Jack smile.
Are you so sure about that, Jenna?
She had protested that point repeatedly, which was interesting, and yet…
if that was how they both reacted when they felt vulnerable, what hope could they possibly have?
Jenna had pointed a mirror at the worst parts of himself, while showing him her own worst parts.
It had led, Jack conceded ruefully, to a pretty awful exchange.
And yet… wasn’t that what real love was—accepting the worst along with the best, and choosing to love anyway?
With a new purpose firing through him, Jack leapt up from the sofa, and forgetting his coat, strode outside into a winter wonderland that was very cold. Jenna was nowhere in sight, the twisting road that ran alongside the lake into Starr’s Fall completely empty and banked with snow.
It was over four miles back to town, and Jack didn’t think she’d walk that whole way.
She must have started walking, though, and so Jack did the only thing he could think of and started heading back toward Starr’s Fall.
He wished he’d brought a coat, though, because night was falling, and the wind was cutting right through his cashmere sweater.
Ten minutes felt a very long time to walk, his shoulders hunched, his hands jammed into his pockets, as the wind continued to slice through him.
It was getting so dark he wasn’t sure he’d even see her on the road, and the two of them being out here like this was potentially dangerous.
He didn’t even know what he’d say to her if he managed to catch up with her, or whether she’d listen.
Then he saw her figure about twenty yards ahead of him, looking hunched and miserable as she plodded along.
“Jenna!” he yelled, his voice a roar ripped away by the wind. She kept walking. Jack started jogging down the road, as he yelled again. “ Jenna! ” Still nothing. Jack drew a deep breath and kept going. If he had another heart attack out here, he knew who to blame. “ Jenna! ”
Finally, thankfully, she turned around. Glared at him with her arms folded and her face still streaked with tears. “What are you doing?” she asked.
“What are you doing?” he demanded, exasperated as well as out of breath. “Besides freezing to death?” He gestured to the empty road, resting his hands on his thighs as he struggled to catch his breath. “Or do you want to give me another heart attack?”
Jenna’s expression of angry defiance morphed into one of pure panic. “Jack! You aren’t!” She rushed to his side. “I’ll never forgive myself if?—”
“I’m not,” he told her wearily as he straightened. “I’m not in that bad shape. But why did you run out of my house like that? You didn’t give me a chance to explain?—”
She stiffened, her hand dropping from his shoulder. “You explained very well?—”
“No, I didn’t,” he cut across her sharply. “I said I had a job and that I’d said I’d take it. That was it.”
“That was enough!” Jenna cried. “I can put two and two together as well as anyone?—”
“And come up with about forty-six,” Jack interjected. “Look, I’m not saying I handled that moment well. I didn’t, and that’s in part because I felt so torn about it all?—”
“Well, please don’t let me get in the way of your emotional conflict,” Jenna snapped.
Jack grabbed her hand and held it between his own.
“Jenna, please. Can we not argue? We’re two reasonable adults.
I know I sent you into a panic back there, because it reminded you of that guy from before, and I am truly sorry for that.
But can we have a reasoned discussion about this, preferably somewhere warm? ”
* * *
Jenna stared at Jack’s face, the weary yet determined expression hardening his features, and felt herself relent.
She still didn’t feel good about any of it, but Jack was right.
She could be a reasonable adult. At least, she was trying to despite her recent outburst, and she knew they needed to have a conversation.
Besides which, yes, fine, she might have overreacted slightly, because she’d been feeling so raw.
“Okay,” she told him. “Let’s go back to your house.”
It was a fairly frigid and miserable walk back through the cold and the dark, with neither of them speaking.
Jenna still had no idea what Jack intended to say.
Why tell her he’d been offered a job and was going to take it unless he was planning to break up with her?
She could not see a single other scenario.
“All right,” Jack said once they were back inside. He blew on his hand before stirring up the fire and then pouring them both stiff whiskeys. “Let’s try this all again.”
Jenna shook her head slowly. “Jack… I appreciate I might have been more than a little over-the-top in my reaction before, but… you told me you’d decided to take a job in New York City. I mean, what more is there to say?”
Jack handed her a whiskey before sitting down with his own.
“I appreciate I shouldn’t have led with that,” he said quietly.
“I’ve been turning it over in my mind since Will offered me the opportunity last week.
I told him I’d do it, and I was figuring out a way to make it all work.
The job. Living here, at least part-time.
Us.” He took a long swallow of whiskey, but Jenna didn’t think she could manage a mouthful, and so she just cradled the glass between her hands.
“And so, based on what you told me, you decided to go ahead?” she filled in when Jack didn’t seem inclined to say anything more.
“I wanted to,” Jack agreed. “I’ve missed that life, Jenna.
I’ve missed who I was—someone important and yes, a big deal.
” He grimaced and Jenna winced. She had, she knew, said some very hurtful things, and she was sorry for them.
“I was good at what I did,” he continued quietly.
“I enjoyed it. I liked having that kind of purpose, and you know what? You’re right, helping out with a store that isn’t even your own doesn’t compare. ”
Ouch. “I’m sorry,” Jenna whispered. “I shouldn’t have said all that.”
“But it’s true, isn’t it? I was distracting myself. Because I am only forty-two and I’m not ready for hobbies being the rest of my life, not even worthy ones. I want to do more. Be more. And I was wrestling with all of that over the last week.”
Jenna stared down into the amber depths of her whiskey. “I wish you’d told me,” she whispered.
“Would you have understood?” Jack challenged her, his voice gentle. “Or would it have sent you into a panic?”
“You mean like it did?” She looked up, trying for a smile even though everything felt wobbly, her lips included.
“I’m sorry, Jack. I overreacted and I—I said some hurtful things.
I wasn’t even thinking, just… just reacting.
” She looked back down, afraid to see the expression on his face. “I shouldn’t have said them.”
He was silent for a long moment, forcing her to look up again.
When she did, she saw he only looked sad, and that scared her.
Had she ruined everything by freaking out the way she had?
What an awful thought, that she’d been the architect of their relationship’s demise, simply because she’d been so scared.
“I’m sorry too,” he said at last, and Jenna’s stomach contracted at the tone of his voice. He sounded so final .
“Please don’t tell me,” she whispered, her voice catching, “that my freaking out like that has ruined everything.”
For a second, as he stared at her, she could barely breathe. Then he cocked his head and said thoughtfully, “I wouldn’t say it ruined everything .”
Was he joking? She felt too fragile to be able to tell. “Umm…” was all she could manage.
“Maybe I should start over,” Jack said. “And if you can listen to the end, that would be great.” He smiled to take any sting from the words, but Jenna still cringed in guilt.
“I feel like the word ‘shrew’ is coming to mind…” she murmured.
“Never,” Jack told her. He reached over to clasp her hand with his, and his touch was warm and dry and intensely reassuring.
“Jenna, I’m sorry I started like that. I do realize that it would have brought back some very unpleasant memories.
But what I was trying to explain was… I was offered a job, I wanted to take it, and that’s a part of who I am.
And I’m very glad you care about me a lot, and that I care about you a lot, which is what I should have led with, definitely.
” He released a pent-up breath. “I’ve spent the last week trying to figure out how this can work. How we can work.”
“You mean if you take this job in New York?” Jenna asked in a small voice. It didn’t have to be a deal breaker, but it was kind of a big thing. A very big thing. If Jack moved back to New York to work eighty-hour weeks, well… what kind of relationship could they possibly have?
“No,” Jack said, surprising her. “I’m not taking the job in New York.
That’s what I was going to try to explain.
I said I would, and then I backed out, because I realized I couldn’t go back into the world, not in that way, as much as part of me wanted to.
Really wanted to. But I did mean it when I told you before that I didn’t want to be that kind of person again.
I know myself, and I can’t go back into that world without letting it consume me.
But… I want some part of that old life, that old me, back.
And I just don’t know what that will look like, or if that’s something you’d want.
” He gave a little shrug. “Maybe you care a lot about the Jack who potters around his house and has all the time in the world, and not so much the guy who loves working hard and closing a deal. And yes, drives a Porsche and wears a Rolex. That’s part of me, too. ”
“I care about all of you, Jack,” Jenna replied, her voice turning fierce in her certainty.
She wished they’d both handled that conversation differently, instead of reacting out of their fear and insecurity, but they could have a re-do now…
she hoped. “Not just the parts I like better, or you like better, or anything like that,” she continued.
“Laurie said something to me awhile back about how we have to love the worst as well as the best parts of somebody. And I’m not saying the Wall Street version of you is the worst, but it is part of who you are, and I accept that part along with every other…
” She managed a smile. “If you can accept the crazy banshee part of me along with every other.”
Jack squeezed her hand. “Funny, I was just thinking the same thing about the worst and best parts. And as far as you are concerned, I think I can. But as for what it looks like…”
“Maybe we can figure that out as we go along.” She took a deep breath and decided that this was the moment for the total honesty she should have given him before.
“I shouldn’t have told you I care about you before, Jack.
” He looked startled, and she hastened to clarify.
“What I should have said is that I—I love you. I’m falling in love with you, if that sounds less scary.
But the point is, I’m committed. I want to be committed.
Whatever that looks like going ahead… for both of us. ”
Jack was still holding her hand, and gently he twined his fingers through hers, which seemed like a good sign. “Not that it’s a competition, of course, but I kind of wanted to tell you that first.”
She raised her eyebrows, her heart feeling as if it were soaring upwards, as light as a balloon. Her toes were barely touching the floor. “Tell me what?” she asked.
“That I love you,” he told her, his voice a warm thrum, “crazy banshee and all. No falling about it.”
Jenna let out a trembling laugh. “You definitely should have led with that.”
He laughed as he leaned toward her for a kiss that felt full of promise. “Yeah, I should have.”
They shared a lingering kiss that went a long way to making Jenna feel a whole lot better. But as they eased back, smiling at each other, the question remained.
“So,” Jenna said, just as she had the first time he’d kissed her.
“So,” he repeated, smiling a little.
“What now?” She had to ask, even though she was pretty sure Jack didn’t know the answer, and neither did she.
He shrugged, still smiling. “You tell me. Or I tell you. But whatever happens… we’re in it together. We face the future together .” He reached for her hand once more. “Whatever that looks like.” He squeezed her fingers. “Deal?”
Relief flooded Jenna, along with a new, certain joy. Could anyone ask for more than that? Could anyone expect anything more?
“Deal,” she said, and squeezed his hand back.