Chapter 19 Jason #2
I’d very doggedly ignored my earlier panic and done my best to enjoy this for what it was. I thought I’d done pretty well, if how pleased and unconcerned Joe had been was any indication. The way he looked at me was very…different.
Fond in a way it hadn’t been before.
The wariness was gone.
He smiled more.
Spoke more.
And as the day had worn on, he’d gotten closer and closer to me.
Brushing against my side as he walked by.
Tipping his head to invite me to grab his neck.
Looking at me with these big, dark, expectant eyes every time I passed him and didn’t touch him.
The need in them quieted only when I did.
Only when my hands were on his hips, or his shoulders.
Bliss written across his features that was not good for my ego, or my reawakened libido.
Speaking of…
When Joe walked into the bedroom after his shower, my brain just about broke.
He was glistening. Water droplets slipping down his pecs, between the dips of his abs, past his sweet little belly button.
God, I wanted to lick it. Wanted to make him squirm and wiggle.
Wanted to nip at the V-line that disappeared beneath his sweats.
Even more than that, though, I wanted to bury my face in his crotch and inhale.
“Hi,” Joe said in a way that was equal parts shy and confused. Probably because I was staring at his dick. My eyes snapped up quickly, and I surreptitiously pulled the blanket from the bed over my lap.
“Hi.”
“You think the storm will let up tomorrow?” Joe asked. He flipped the light switch off. Movements deliberate as he climbed into bed beside me. There was this odd feeling in the air. Anticipation maybe.
“I’m not sure,” I admitted. Truthfully, I didn’t want it to. Didn’t want these days to end, chilly and exhausting as they were. Didn’t want to go back to worrying. To my stack of tasks that needed to be accomplished. To all my obligations and insecurities.
To empty silence.
Because the silence when Joe was around never felt that way.
“I hope it doesn’t,” Joe admitted, so quiet I almost didn’t hear.
He was on his side a second later, facing away from me, that big back so tempting. God, this was testing my patience. I took a breath, grateful when my dick relaxed and I could get my lungs to work again. Could get my body to act like a body, not like a giant blob of need.
Joe’s back moved with each breath.
He was so warm.
A furnace himself as I turned to face him, not crossing the distance, simply wanting.
Wishing.
“Do…” Joe started a few minutes later, long after I’d assumed he was asleep.
“What?” I asked, the whirr of the space heater the only thing to fill the quiet.
“Do…friends cuddle?” Joe inquired, voice low and sweet.
Ohdeargod.
“Sure they do.” I couldn’t tell if I was punishing myself, being an opportunist, or simply wanting to teach him what it meant to have a real friend. Someone you could trust to hold you when you needed it. If Joe was asking, it meant he wanted that.
To be cuddled.
God, I wanted that too, so badly.
Slowly, I inched across the air mattress until my chest brushed his back.
“Is this what you want?” I gave him an opportunity to speak up, my hand hovering over his blanket-covered hip. “For me to hold you?”
My heart was pounding and it refused to stop.
“Yes.” Joe’s voice, again, was so quiet I barely heard it.
“Over the blankets or under?” I asked, aching, aching, aching.
“Under.”
I kept my movements gentle as I wiggled beneath his blanket, fingers finding his hip, squeezing it once—the way that was most familiar—before I wrapped an arm around his belly and pressed myself against his back with purpose.
I had to will my dick to behave.
“This what you wanted, baby?” I asked, the pet name slipping from my tongue without permission. It wasn’t the first time. All I could do was wince.
“Yes,” Joe agreed.
I felt the moment he relaxed. Sinking into me, his body dropping as a sigh escaped. He was a popped balloon. No longer rigid—bouncy, deflated, and sweet where he pushed against me. He moved a little, only to press back with more purpose.
I could feel his heartbeat.
Racing.
Just like mine.
“How about this?” I asked, hand on his lower belly, my face pressed to his nape. My lips skimmed the velvety skin there for the second time that day. Only this time, it was better. So much better. Because it wasn’t circumstance that had given me this, it was Joe himself.
He’d asked for this.
He’d wanted this.
He’d wanted me.
“Mhm,” Joe agreed, voice sleepy despite the way his heart danced. “S’nice.”
“It is nice,” I agreed, lips fluttering against his skin. It wasn’t a kiss, but it was close.
Dancing along the line of what was appropriate. A line we’d both been dancing all day long.
“You feel good,” Joe told me, his voice sweet. He was putty in my arms. I gave him a squeeze, and he sighed again, pleased. So, I held him tighter. Gave him something to sink into. He was a lot larger than I was, but I managed just fine.
“You feel good, too,” I promised.
“You’re…” Joe started after a few minutes of silence. Of me holding him. Enjoying him. Soaking up his apple-sunshine scent, and memorizing the way he breathed.
“I’m what?”
“You’re the best friend I’ve ever had. My only…real friend.”
My heart cracked right down the middle. First of all, because it broke me to think that he’d never had anything like this before.
That someone as sweet, as wonderful as Joe could be having all these firsts when he was nearly thirty.
That he could’ve gone decades without being adored the way he deserved.
But also because…again, I was reminded of the line between us.
The line I knew I shouldn’t cross even if I wanted to.
I’d gotten good at ignoring things, though, over the last few days, so I ignored that too. Ignored that in favor of being what Joe needed. Because it made me happy to be that for him.
“You’re my best friend, too,” I told him, because it was true. There wasn’t a single person I enjoyed spending time with more than I did with him. Not even Mary. Which was…a tall order. He just… God. This weekend in particular had made it so very evident how much I enjoyed him.
“Oh good,” Joe said, sleepy and relieved. Apparently, he’d worried I wouldn’t pick him back. “That’s good.”
“It is,” I agreed, kissing the back of his neck, this time deliberately.
Not because I was trying something I shouldn’t but because I craved the comfort too.
Joe made a happy sound in reply, and I buried my face in the hollow of his throat, simply breathing him in.
Breathing in the very essence of Joe and all he was.
Maybe this was all I needed. The out I’d been looking for. Not distance, per se, but to have Joe be the one who dictated what happened between us. If I left things up to him and I found out my feelings weren’t quite right, maybe he wouldn’t hate me?
Which meant…
I could have this.
He was giving me this.
And this was more than enough.
I’d let Joe hold the reins.