Chapter Four #2
“He grabbed my throat and squeezed as hard as he could. I remember the muscles in his arms popping…anyway. I couldn’t talk for like a week and there were all these bruises.
” Some of my memories might be hazy; however, this one comes through loud and clear.
The crushing pressure of his hands and the excitement shining in his eyes as darkness started creeping into my field of vision.
Guess near-death experiences can be like that.
Crystal clear and horrific and all kinds of fucked up.
“I am sorry that happened to you.”
“Me too. It absolutely sucks that it happened. But I’m one of the lucky ones because I’m still alive.”
He nods.
“I’ve decided it is time for me to get a life.”
“How are you going to do that?”
“Good question.” I lean my head back and stare at the sky. “I’m still working out the details. I think I’ll start by making some lists and sort of go from there. Throw some possible ideas around and maybe make a plan, you know?”
His smile is amused.
“You doubt me, but I think this could work. The main problem as I see it is…I know who I used to be and what I used to enjoy. But I am not so sure anymore. Things have kind of stagnated for me over the last ten years. I kind of stagnated.”
“Are you happy right now in this moment?”
I smile. “Yeah. I really am.”
“Why don’t you start from there?”
“Is it boring that I like hanging in my backyard, talking to you, and looking at the sky?”
“No.”
“I do also enjoy some occasional day drinking and beating up my boxing bag.”
“There you go,” he says. “Balance in all things.”
“You know, you’re good at this.”
“At what?”
“Making me feel good.”
He downs a mouthful of beer and stares around the backyard. At the section of broken fence off to the side and his house beyond. “I think we should give being friends a try.”
I do my best to ignore the sting. There’s a silent just before the word friends. But at least he still wants to know me. “I’d like that.”
We’re not going on a date. This is two friends hanging out on a Monday night.
Though it’s still a great excuse to wear something new.
Because at the end of the day, I dress for me and no one else.
Your happiness can’t rely on another person.
It just doesn’t work. This time my outfit is linen shorts and a matching camisole with flat sandals on my feet.
The fit is sweet, though it makes me feel weirdly exposed.
I don’t usually go out in public with so much skin on display.
I don’t usually do anything to attract attention. But growth is my new best friend.
I am sitting on the front porch (another thing I don’t tend to do) when Noah backs his vehicle out of the garage.
He jumps out of his car to open the passenger-side door for me.
Like a gentleman. He’s wearing a pair of blue jeans, a white tee, and sneakers.
The man does casual so well. His hair is wavy and brushed back from his face with a day or two worth of stubble on his jawline.
I know we’re just friends. But looking at him breaks my heart just a little.
There’s still this pull between us and it’s going to take me a while to bury it deep.
I climb into the car. “Ever have to lock yourself out of your home because you keep wanting to change outfits?”
“No.” He smiles. “But you look great.”
“Thank you. So do you.”
He closes my door and walks back around the front of the car to his side. His gaze takes in my fidgeting hands, and he asks, “You nervous?”
“I’m fine. Just the usual.”
“You still want to do this, though, right?”
“Yes.”
“Good. Thought we could go to the drive-in,” he says, backing the car out onto the road. “That way we’re out, but still have our own space.”
“That’s a great idea. I haven’t been since I was a kid.”
Music plays and a warm wind is blowing through the car windows as we drive north.
The vibe in the vehicle is relaxed. I give him a basic rundown about my data entry job (the key point again being that it’s boring but pays the bills).
And he tells me about farms he’s found in the local area whose wares he’s eager to try.
His knowledge of foodstuffs is awe inspiring.
There’s no longer any need to worry about what he does or doesn’t know about me.
And since it’s clearly established that we’re friends, any overt sexual tension seems diffused by the time we reach our destination.
It’s nice that we can just relax and enjoy ourselves.
I’m happy the night is delivering on the reasons Noah moved to New England. Maybe it means he’ll stay.
The sun is setting as the first film starts. It’s a family-friendly animated movie about animals running wild in a city. Noah hits the snack bar and returns with dinner.
“Most mediocre nachos I’ve ever tasted,” he says, wiping his hands with a napkin.
“Yeah. But the cheeseburgers make up for it.”
“They are excellent.”
“If you could only eat one thing for the rest of your life, which would you choose,” I ask, “onion rings or mozzarella sticks?”
“Those are the only two options?”
“Yes.”
“I’m going to have to go with the sticks. What about you?”
“Same,” I say. “Onion rings are great. But the answer is always cheese.”
“Very true. What about between corn dogs and hot dogs?”
“That’s a tough call. I’m honestly not sure. Do I want the crunch of the corn or the softness of the bread? Both can come with a stupid amount of ketchup, so that doesn’t help. Which do you choose?”
He pops another fry in his mouth. “It’s truly a question for the ages. How about apple pie logs and fried Oreos?”
“I feel like I should say apple pie logs because fruit.”
“But deep down you really want the Oreo.”
“I really do. Chocolate is just so great.” I take a sip from my bottle of water. “Is there anything the human race hasn’t tried to deep fry?”
“I don’t think so.”
“It’s what separates us from the animals.”
“Yeah,” he agrees. “That kid’s enjoying himself.”
I look over my shoulder to see the small child in the car next to us blowing raspberries on the window. The tongue waggling really adds something. Not something good. Just something.
“Do you want children?” I ask.
“That’s not a first date question.”
“This isn’t a date.”
His smile is there and gone in an instant. Guess you could call it rueful. “I don’t know. Maybe. With the right person. What about you?”
“Same.”
“They seem like a hell of a lot of work. Not something you just want to rush into.”
“No,” I say. “It’s a big decision. Being responsible for bringing a whole new person into the world.”
We both watch the film for a while. There’s a small chance I shouldn’t have asked such a personal question.
I’m not exactly up to date with etiquette.
But with him knowing the worst thing about me, it seems any boundaries are unsubstantial at best. And he did talk to me about his divorce. So, he must trust me at least a little.
The first film ends. Coming in second is an action and adventure movie.
A car chase followed by a gunfight with the discovery of a lost city thrown in for good measure.
I think it’s fun, though the couple sitting inside the flatbed truck in front of us get distracted.
Noah and I might not be on a date, but they obviously are.
And we’ve got a prime view of all their activities care of a back window.
It starts with the dude sliding his arm around her shoulders.
Running his fingers through her hair and such.
The way he touches her is adoring. Like she’s precious to him.
And the answering tug low in my belly when he pulls on her ponytail is interesting to say the least. I lost my libido a long time ago.
When the only person you allowed near your vagina for sexual purposes turns out to be a murderous monster…
yeah. It’s hard to come back from something like that.
My therapist has given me many a lecture on the topic.
The couple progresses to kissing. More tongue than necessary to my mind.
Though I’m probably not the best judge. I doubt my mouth even remembers how to get the job done.
And by the time Ryan got arrested, he had started getting heavy handed with me.
Not hitting me. Just being way too full on.
Trying to take over every moment. Being physically rough with me.
Another sign of him trying to control me.
One day I will find someone and do a whole lot of sexing.
So much that all of the bad memories of sleeping with my ex will fade into nothing.
They’ll be no more than a bad dream. Though the sexing probably won’t happen around here.
I never wanted to hear how someone had hooked up with me for the novelty.
That they banged me so they could have a connection to a psychopath or something.
Have a sordid story to tell over drinks with friends.
I might be overly sensitive. But on the other hand, people do all sorts of strange and distasteful shit for fun.
In the meantime, I might as well enjoy the show.
Not the one on the screen. The one where the girl is now sitting in the guy’s lap.
Her hands are in his hair and his are busy out of sight.
On her breasts maybe. I check over my shoulder.
Luckily the small mouthy child has fallen asleep.
Sex is all good and natural and normal. But his parents may not be ready to tackle the subject just yet nor in this particular setting.
I take another sip of water. “Do you think they have an exhibition kink?”
“I was just wondering that. Though sometimes I guess you just can’t wait until you get home.”
“Mm.”
“Their windows are starting to steam up.” Noah tosses some popcorn into his mouth. “You know you’re getting old when you see something like this and think a bed would be so much more comfortable.”
“It would, though. You’re just being practical.”
“Thanks,” he says with a smile.
“I didn’t know people still did this at the drive-in.”
“Pretty sure they’re not supposed to do this in public.”
“Imagine telling your child they were conceived at the movies.”
“I was conceived somewhere over Nebraska while my parents were busy joining the Mile High Club.”
My mouth falls open like it’s come unhinged. “No. Really?”
He nods.
“Is it wrong that I love how your parents told you that?”
“Sort of.” He grins. “What about you?”
“Not a clue. My mom died when I was little, and my dad was never in the picture.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Thanks. But I was lucky. I had my grandma, and she was amazing.”
“Did you have any other family around?” he asks.
“A cousin who used to stay in the summers. We were really close there for a while. But Grandma was kind of a free spirit and not to everyone’s tastes. My aunt and her didn’t really get along, so we were usually just our own little family unit.”
“Nice.”
There’s now some definite up-and-down movements happening in the flatbed truck. We both watch in silence for a moment. As you do. But a woman with a flashlight is coming this way, walking down the aisle between cars. She bypasses us and knocks on the window of the truck.
“Oops,” I say.
“Busted,” agrees Noah.
The lovers separate as the woman with the flashlight does some finger-wagging at them.
Threats are made. It’s all very dramatic and we’re not the only ones watching them instead of the screen.
Though their conversation is carried out in low voices in due deference to the film. Which is highly unhelpful.
“What do you think they’re saying?” asks Noah.
“Well…the dude is all sheepish. He knows they’re cooked. But his girl is going full-on denial. Look at her shaking her head and staring down her nose at the woman. She is shocked and stunned by these baseless accusations. How dare her reputation be besmirched in such a fashion.”
“That’s what she’s saying?”
“Yeah.”
“She actually used the word besmirched?”
“She did. Big feelings deserve big words. Though besmirched is only two syllables, so…” I smile. “Our valiant hero, the lady from the snack bar, is having none of this bullshit, however. She knows exactly what sort of shenanigans have been going on and is banning both of them.”
“Can’t really blame her.”
“No. But girlfriend doesn’t know when to stop. Because she’s opening her mouth to keep arguing. And if that doesn’t work, she might even think about weaponizing her tears. Which is when snack bar lady says…‘don’t make me summon a higher authority.’”
Noah raises an eyebrow. “Do you mean her manager or God?”
“I was actually referring to the police. Indecent exposure, disorderly conduct…”
“Gotcha.”
“Though I’d be damn impressed if she managed to summon God.”
“That would be something,” he agrees.
Sure enough, the conversation winds down as the scolded couple climb back into their vehicle. This time, sitting a short distance apart. And just in time, since the small child in the car beside us has awoken and is back to licking the window.
“Thanks for doing this with me tonight,” I say.
“Anytime. I mean it, Sid.”
The couple in front of us start to kiss. Again.
“You’re kidding me,” drawls Noah.
“They sure are determined. Humanity is wild.” I steal a handful of popcorn from the box he’s holding. Then I probably go too far by saying, “Imagine if this had been our first date. That could have been us getting busted.”
But he just laughs. I think it’s my favorite sound in the whole wide world.