Chapter 17
Chapter Seventeen
K elsey rushed from the pub without thinking where to go. She’d just wanted to get out of that situation. Seeing Noah made her feel trapped and helpless. That was why she’d gotten up to escape to the bathroom—somewhere, anywhere away from that.
Then Luke had hit him. The sight and sound of his fist hitting Noah’s flesh didn’t carry the sheen of vengeance she’d thought it would. No, it only reminded her of the abuse Noah had rained upon her when he’d been too angry to control himself.
The cool night breeze blew her hair back from her face and made her think for a moment. Making a decision, she strode to Luke’s house and jumped in her car. She didn’t know where she was going. She just knew she wanted to keep moving. She put the window down. The air kept her from losing it.
Did she think that Luke was like Noah? Rationally, she knew him hitting her ex was an emotional response and that he wouldn’t ever do that to her. But did she really know that? Did he really know that? Noah had told her more than once that he didn’t even recognize himself when he hit her, that it was like a demon had taken over his body.
She did know that it was a lack of control, and control was the one thing she wouldn’t relinquish, not when she’d fought so hard to gain it back.
Her phone had pinged several times, but she ignored it. After fifteen minutes or so, she pulled off the highway outside town into the parking lot of the state park near the river. She pulled her phone from her purse and read the texts from Luke.
Noah left right after you. Be careful.
We called the police.
Please call me back.
She stared at the phone, wanting to call him but also needing time to think, to process seeing Noah again. There’d been a moment when she’d wanted to go with him. She could see that he was tormented, and, as always, she wanted to ease his suffering. How many times had she comforted him after he’d become violent? God, it was a sick cycle.
His mother had said he was in counseling, that he was doing well. Maybe talking to Kelsey would help him.
A text appeared on the screen, but it wasn’t a number in her phone, nor did she recognize it other than it had a Washington area code.
Kelsey, it’s Noah. I really need to talk to you. Five minutes. I want to apologize. You deserve to hear that from me and so much more. Not the kind of apologies I gave you before. I’m an abuser. I need help and I’m getting it. None of it was your fault. Sending me to jail was the best thing you could’ve done for me.
She began to shake as emotion welled inside her. He was saying all the things she’d longed to hear.
Again, she considered it. Headlights flashed in the parking lot, startling her. The car drove up near hers—just two spots away in the corner.
She put her hand on the ignition, intending to leave, but a figure came toward her car and in the light from the lamp in the parking lot, she recognized that it was Noah. Apprehension raced through her as he approached her open window.
“Kelsey? Can we please talk? Did you get my text?”
She clutched the steering wheel as if it could be used as a weapon. “How did you find me?”
“I saw you driving in town, and I followed you.”
She turned the key, and he held up his hands in supplication. “Kelsey, wait! Please. Just listen to me. I’m so sorry. So very sorry.” Tears streaked from his eyes, and his shoulders shook.
She’d seen him do this before. His show of regret wouldn’t bend her.
But then he stopped, sucking in a deep, harsh breath. “No, I won’t do that to you.” He wiped his hands over his eyes and straightened. “You deserve better.”
“I do,” she said softly, surprised that she could talk. “You shouldn’t have come here. If you wanted to apologize—or whatever—you could’ve sent me a letter.”
“I could’ve. My mom called you. She said you were pretty harsh.”
Kelsey turned her head as anger ignited inside her. “I think I have the right to be whatever I damn well please.”
He sucked his lower lip in, a familiar tic that took her back to the years they’d spent together. She’d once found it terribly sexy, alluring. It reminded her of better times.
“I’m sorry. You do. You can be harsh, cruel, whatever you want. You can even hit me if it would make you feel better.”
And there it was. The retaliation she’d dreamt about in her darkest moments. But at the pub, she’d realized she didn’t want revenge. She just wanted closure.
“I don’t want to do that. Say what you want to say so that I can go.”
He stepped closer, and she resisted the urge to back the car up and drive away. She told herself she could at any moment. “Like I said, I’m in counseling and I’m doing better. I’m learning a lot about myself and how to function in a relationship.”
“Do you think you can? Function in a relationship? How will you keep from hitting the next woman?”
He looked away briefly. “I don’t know yet. It’s a process. But I know it’s my problem, and that’s a step in the right direction, isn’t it?”
She supposed so. It was certainly better than him blaming her, which he’d done. She didn’t answer him. Sitting here listening was the most she would give him.
He gave her a familiar puppy dog look, one that used to make her smile. “I wondered if you could ever find a way to forgive me?”
Oh, this she wanted to answer. This was what she’d worked so hard on, but not in the way he probably imagined.
She opened the door sharply, making him step back. Adrenaline pushed her out of the car to face him. She kept one hand on the car, gripping the door. “I have forgiven you, Noah. But not for you. For me . Forgiveness is for the forgiver. I don’t care if you feel better or if you’re healing. I only care that I feel better, that I’m healing. And I am. Forgiving you helped me do that. Letting go of the anger and pain in my heart so that I could maybe find happiness.”
He swallowed, his Adam’s apple bobbing. “Have you found that?”
“I’m working on it.”
He moved closer, and she smelled bourbon—his liquor of choice—on his breath. “With the guy at the pub?”
She heard something in his tone. Something that gave her pause. “It’s none of your business.” She climbed back into the car, thinking she never should’ve gotten out in the first place. But she hadn’t been thinking clearly. If she were, she wouldn’t even be here. “I’m going now.”
“Wait, please!”
“I’m done, Noah.”
He reached into the car and grabbed her wrist, his fingers closing around her flesh. She ripped her arm from his grasp and threw the car in reverse, the tires squealing as she hit the gas.
Without looking back, she pulled out of the parking lot and drove toward town. God, she was an idiot! Why had she stayed there to listen to him? She should’ve left the moment she’d seen him walking to the car. Was she ever going to be free of him? Could she find the happiness she wanted, that she deserved?
In that moment, she just didn’t know.
The cold night air should’ve chilled Luke, but he was numb. In mind and body. As soon as the police had let him leave The Arch and Vine, he’d walked all over, trying to find Kelsey. She wasn’t responding to his texts, and he was terrified for her. Her car was gone from his driveway, and it wasn’t in her parking lot. Her apartment was dark.
He was desperate to find her, and now, back at his house, he simply stood on his porch and stared into the darkness, feeling utterly helpless.
His phone, clutched in his grasp as it had been all night, pinged. He lifted it, screen up, and saw the text was from Cam asking if he’d found Kelsey yet. Luke typed in “No” and hit Send. Cam and Brooke had walked with him at first, trying to talk him off the ledge of despair. He’d finally told them he needed to be alone, perhaps not in the kindest way. It had gone something like: “Leave me the hell alone. I’ll call you if I need your ‘help.’”
He winced at the memory but shoved it away, because, by far, it wasn’t the worst thing that had happened tonight. He kept reliving that moment at the pub over and over. Noah touched her; Luke reacted; Kelsey looked at him in fear.
He started moving again, pacing across the porch. Why wasn’t she responding to his texts? He’d sent more after finishing with the police. Even though she hadn’t reported Noah’s restraining order violation, which was required to press charges, they were still looking for him in town. And until Luke heard from Kelsey, his insides would continue to feel like they were drowning in acid.
If Noah had somehow found her… Luke would never forgive himself.
The sound of a car pulling onto the street made him pivot. He stepped off the porch onto the stairs. The car slowed and turned. It was Kelsey.
Relief rushed over him, and his body collapsed. He dropped down and sat on the edge of the porch.
She turned the car off and came toward him, moving faster as she got closer. She paused at the bottom of the steps. “Are you all right?”
“No.” His voice creaked with emotion. “Are you? Please tell me—” He snapped his mouth shut and looked away.
“I’m fine.”
He peeked at her, afraid to see…what? He didn’t know.
She moved forward and stood before him. “Why are you sitting there?”
He felt defensive. Raw. “Why didn’t you return my texts?”
“I had to think. I’m sorry.” She shook her head and brought her hand to her chest. “I’m so stupid.”
He stood, frustrated that she would demean herself. “Don’t say that. I’m the stupid one. I’m so sorry about what happened. I scared you, didn’t I?”
She nodded. “You…surprised me.”
Cam had been right. Luke regretted what he’d done. “I wasn’t thinking. I only wanted to protect you. I hope you know that. I would never?—”
She rushed forward and kissed him, cutting off his words. It was fast and hard. “I know you wouldn’t. I just needed to think things through, to process everything. Seeing Noah was a shock.”
He curled his arm around her waist and held her close. He never wanted to let go. “I bet.”
She tipped her head down, resting her forehead against his shoulder. “He followed me, and I let him talk to me.” Her voice was low and dark, tainted with a horrid emotion. It was self-loathing, he realized. “He apologized and asked me to forgive him. I explained that I already had.” She lifted her gaze to his. “That was part of my therapy—learning to forgive myself, which included forgiving him. I didn’t want to carry that burden any longer. But I still am, just in a different form. I’ve been so afraid to open myself up, to let myself feel love.”
His throat tightened. “I understand. I’ve been afraid too, just for very different reasons. I’ve held myself back in the fear that I might hurt you.”
“I know. And I’ve kept you at arm’s length—emotionally—in the fear that I might get hurt. But I don’t want to do that anymore, Luke. I’m in love with you. I feel it, I know it, I want it.”
Joy lifted his soul. “I love you too. I didn’t recognize it at first—it sort of snuck up on me. There’s just something about you, about us, that’s…right.”
She nodded, her mouth curving into the brightest smile. “ So right. I feel exactly the same. It’s like a song you hear for the first time. You like it, but with each listen you realize you can’t stop, that you’re in love with it.”
“ Yes .” He kissed her, their lips sliding over each other for a brief, wondrous moment before he continued. “You’re the song in my heart, and I’ll be damned if I knew there was one in there.”
She laughed softly, then sobered, looking into his eyes. “I hope you don’t get tired of it.”
“I can’t predict the future, but I don’t think I will. Just the thought of that fills me with agony.” He framed her face in his hands and kissed her again. “You’re cold.”
She pressed herself against his chest, hugging him tight. “So are you. We should go inside.”
He swept her into his arms, eliciting a gasp from her followed by a giggle. Then he carried her into the house, where he set her down so he could lock the door.
She tossed her purse on the couch, and he picked her up again, this time bearing her toward the bedroom. She rolled her eyes at him. “I can walk.”
“Doesn’t mean you should.” He kissed her as he lowered her to the floor next to the bed.
He didn’t want to end this moment, but he wanted to know—had to know—where Noah was now. “I have to ask, where’s Noah?”
She blinked up at him. “I don’t know. I drove away and left him in the state park. That’s where he followed me.”
“Did you read my texts about him violating the restraining order and Brooke calling the police?”
“I did.” She sank down on the bed, her shoulders drooping. “It’s all so overwhelming. I just want him to go away. Back to Washington.”
Luke sat beside her and took her hand. “What if he doesn’t? I think you need to file a police report so they can charge him with violating the restraining order.”
She was quiet for a moment and stared straight ahead. Luke knew she loved him, but her silence was freaking him out a little.
At last, she turned her head to look at him. “Okay. Can I do it in the morning? I’m exhausted, and I just want you to hold me.”
That he could do. “With pleasure.” He gathered her into his arms and kissed her forehead. She nuzzled into him, hugging him around the waist and laying her head against his collarbone.
After a minute, she raised her head to kiss him. Softly at first, brief touches of lips and then tongue. She curled her hand around his neck and kissed him long and deep.
She pulled back and locked her gaze with his. “Make love to me, Luke.”
The long-ago echo of hearing those same words from Paige pulled at the back of his mind. With her, he’d felt a moment of panic, but now he only felt peace. And overwhelming desire for this woman who’d captured his heart.
He cupped her head and kissed her again, tugging her onto his lap. She pivoted, straddling him, and immediately began pulling at his clothing, trading garments until they were both nude. Luke began an assault on her body with his hands, lips, and tongue until she was panting and writhing beneath him. After insisting on helping him don a condom, she clasped his cock. Her fingers encircled the base before working up then down, bringing him to the edge of release.
“Kelsey, let me?—”
She devoured his request with her mouth and guided him into her wet sheath. When he was buried deep, she wrapped her legs around his waist and begged him to move.
He went slowly at first, stroking her hair and face and looking into the pale blue ecstasy burning in her gaze. The deeper he stroked, the lower she moaned. Her eyelids fluttered, and she surrendered, closing her eyes as her orgasm swept through her.
He held her tight, memorizing the curve of her cheek and the exact pink of her lips. So this was what love felt like. True, searing love that scored into your soul.
Like her, he yielded—not just to his body but to the incandescent emotion flowing through him. He gave her everything he had, and when they were finished, he held her close to his heart.
“Thank you,” she murmured. “I have never felt so safe. So protected.”
As she fell asleep in his arms, he vowed to make sure she felt that way forever.