Chapter 35
Lacey
Iwatch as the Peterson brothers file back into the room. They look happy and relaxed. Cole is the last to come through; his eyes find mine. Somehow, I never noticed before, but ever since we were kids, his eyes have always locked with mine when he walks into a room.
He smiles at me and mouths ‘I love you’, and I do the same back.
Emmy laughs just off to my side. “Lacey? Earth to Lacey.” I snap out of my daze, my cheeks flushing.
“I’m so sorry, I wasn’t listening.”
“I said we’re going to leave you and Peanut to rest now. We love you, girl, and we’re so proud of you.” She smiles softly at me before linking arms with Cas and leaving the room. One by one, the rest follow suit, until it's just me, Cole, and Peanut.
“She’s so beautiful, Lacey, you did so well.”
“I wish you didn’t have to leave. What if…what if I do something wrong? I’ve never done this before.” I worry about my bottom lip. What if I’m not good enough?
“You’re her mummy, you already know what she needs, and if you’re stuck, you ask for help, and tomorrow we figure this out together, okay?”
“Tomorrow.” I nod, and a yawn slips from me; suddenly, I’m worn down.
The midwife bustles in. “Right, now that Picadilly Circus has left, let’s get you on that ward. I’ll make you a nice cup of tea and some toast. Would you like jam?”
I nod, too tired to form words. I close my eyes for a moment and drift between awake and sleep until finally, lips kiss my forehead, and I drift away.
**********
A baby is crying in my dreams. I think it’s Peanut, but where is she?
Panic claws its way to my heart, piercing it with ice-cold talons.
The cold seeps through my body, paralysing me.
I try to open my mouth to scream, to let her know that Mummy is here and I won’t let anyone take her from me, but that isn’t true, is it?
Because I wasn’t strong enough to stop him from coming into the house.
I was weak, and now he’s going to take her. Oh my god, he has her…
“Lacey, wake up, love. It’s just a dream, that’s all.
” My eyes fly open to find a kind, round-faced woman smiling down at me.
She cups my cheek. “I promise, you’re okay, and your little one is okay too.
But she does seem to be hungry. Would you like to try feeding her by the breast or would you prefer a bottle? ”
I look at her with wide eyes. “I, uhm, fed her with a bottle before because I d-don’t know what I’m doing with breastfeeding.” I lower my eyes as shame courses through me.
“No one knows at first. That’s why we’re here, to give you that gentle nudge and help you.
” Her smile is kind, and so I nod. She picks little Peanut up, and I sit up and fluff the pillows.
Then she places her in my arms and looks at me questioningly.
I nod, and she helps manoeuvre my breast and my baby’s head till she latches on.
I suck in a breath at the sharp sting, but then I grow accustomed to it, and I stare down in wonder that my body has grown this little bundle in my arms and now it’s feeding her, keeping her healthy.
“I’ll be back in a moment. You never got to have your tea and toast.” I watch as she retreats, and for the first time, I don’t feel so scared.
The midwife comes back in just as Peanut finishes. “Oh, what lovely timing. Would you like me to take her and burp and change her while you have your tea and toast?”
“Oh, uhm, that would be amazing, is that okay?” I hand my baby over to Jules, as her badge states, and she smiles, taking her from me with ease.
I moan at the first bite of toast and marmalade. When did toast ever taste this good? I wash it down with a mouthful of tea, Tetley’s – my favourite. I greedily eat the rest of the toast, feeling a surge of energy.
Watching Jules expertly burp my baby, then change her nappy, has me asking, “How do I learn all of that?” She looks at me questioningly.
“You know, how to be a mum, how to change her and feed her. What if I do it wrong or I do something that accidentally hurts her?” She opens her mouth to speak, but I interrupt again. “OH MY GOD, what if I drop her?”
Jules chuckles. “Lacey love, you’re going to drive yourself mad with all those questions. There isn’t a rule book, and every parent and child is different; you have to find your groove.” She hands me Peanut and clears away my cup and plate.
I snuggle with her for a moment, marvelling in her beautiful eyes. I know they’re going to change as she gets older, but for now, they remind me of Cole's eyes, as silly as it sounds. I place her gently back into her crib and settle back into bed. A couple more hours of sleep - yes, please.
**********
Yawning and stretching awake, I see Jules wander back into the ward, and I notice the light seeping in from under the blinds. She catches me looking. “Would you like them open?”
I nod as she lifts them and the sun shines through, casting a warm glow around my part of the ward and over Peanut, who sleeps peacefully.
I feel the rays on my face and close my eyes, smiling. “I love the sunshine so much. It’s such a shame we don’t get much of it here.”
“I’m more of a spring lady myself. I love it when the flowers start to bloom; there’s something magical about it.” She shakes her head as if clearing it. “Right. Time for a wee, have you had one yet?”
I look around, and she bursts out laughing. “What, you mean me?” My voice rises an octave, and she nods.
“Yes, you. We must make sure that you can pee and poo properly. We want to prevent any infections that can be caused by a buildup of not going to the toilet. Not only does your brain not want you to do it out of fear of it hurting, but your hormones make changes too.” She hesitates a moment before asking me, “Would you like some advice?”
“Yes, please, I’m way out of my depth.”
“Your body has gone through what is essentially trauma. Everything is sore down there right now, and the last thing you want to do is make it worse, so if I were you, I’d take a jug of warm water, and as you pee, pour the water on yourself…
down there.” She points as if to emphasise where she means. “It will make it a whole lot easier.”
I don’t move, torn between needing to use the toilet and leaving Peanut. Jules catches me looking. “Would you like me to sit with her while you use the toilet and shower?”
“I’m showering now?”
She laughs at the look on my face. “Might as well, dear, you’re already in there.” She picks up my little girl and rocks her, looking utterly content.
I pick up the jug that Jules left for me and make my way into the washroom, placing my belongings on the side to keep them dry. I fill the jug with warm water and follow Jules' suggestion.
Switching the shower on, I step under the spray and let it wash away everything negative that has happened, every thought I’ve had that hasn’t been positive, all the stress that has been caused recently, and by the time I’m finished, I feel refreshed and happy.
I must have been in there longer than I had realised, because when I step out, I see flowers and balloons piled into a corner.
Sitting in the armchair is Cole, with little Peanut engulfed in his big arms. He hasn’t noticed me yet, and I take a moment to watch him with her, wondering how I got so lucky to have fallen in love with my best friend.
He must sense me watching him because his eyes flick up to mine, and a warm smile spreads across his face.
“She’s asleep.” He whispers the words and stands, gently placing her in the crib that the hospital provided.
Then, he strides purposefully towards me, and when he reaches me, he cups my face with one hand and threads his other hand through my hair before searching my eyes. “Are you okay?”
I smile and wind my arms around his neck. “I am now.” Then he kisses me slowly, pouring every ounce of love he can into that one kiss, and I can feel it.
“I love you so much, Lacey. I love you both so much.”
**********
1 week later. Baby size = MASSIVE.
We ended up spending a total of two days in the hospital because our little Peanut had caught an infection, and since we have been home, it’s been chaotic to say the least. I haven’t had to lift a finger to cook a meal because everyone keeps bringing us food.
My home has never looked as tidy as it does now, because either May or Emmy gets busy tidying up when they’re around.
My dad has been here every day, helping Cole, looking after Peanut so that we can get some sleep.
It has been utter bliss…but – and that is the thing that stops me from being happy, the ‘but’.
“Lacey, I can hear you thinking. It’s very loud.” Cole rumbles behind me, and his arm snakes further around my waist, pulling me to him.
“I’m sorry, baby. Go back to sleep, it’s nothing.” I lift his hand to my lips and place a kiss there.
“It is something, enough to keep you awake anyway. Talk to me.”
“What are we going to name Peanut? We can’t call her Peanut for the rest of her life…”
“I thought you liked your mum's name.” Of course, he remembers that, and that was what we decided, but deep down, I mean, her last name…say it then, dummy!
“Yeah, I do.”
“I think Peanut Peterson has a beautiful ring to it. Unless you want us both to take your name?”
I shuffle myself to turn over and look at him. “What do you mean, both of you? Do you want us to have the same name? I mean me?”
“Lacey, there is no doubt in my mind that I want you to have my last name, but it’s your choice. It always has been.”
“I want that.” I smile as he kisses me slowly, and we break apart when we hear our little girl crying.
“I’ll get her this time.” I climb out of bed, but before I leave the room, I twirl around and catch him looking at me.
“Cole, I’m really happy with you. This, what we have, is everything I’ve always wanted. ”
I watch his eyes glaze over as he blows me a kiss.
My best friend loves me.