Charlotte
They don’t know how lucky they are. These women. These women I’m so stupid to have called friends.
‘All of you just to shut up,’ I hardly recognise my voice. I never knew I could be so loud and throaty. ‘Lauren, yeah, having a baby is hard. But you know what’s harder? Not being able to have a fucking baby. Do you know how much that hurts? You have the most precious thing in the whole world. I’d sell a kidney to have what you have, and then you let it cry in the dark because you’re tired? You didn’t even try . . .’ I start crying. I need to go to the bathroom. I need to check how bad it is down there. I need to get to a hospital. It feels bad. Everything feels so bad.
‘No!’ Lauren shouts back. ‘I’m sorry , but no. I’m so fed up of being told how lucky I am, when my life’s been actual hell for nine months. Hell.’ She starts weeping again, getting her tears in her baby’s hair. ‘I’m sorry for what you’re going through and I’m so careful, but I’m so fed up of not being allowed to say what it’s like, what it’s really like. How hard it is.’
‘I’d kill for your hard life right now.’
‘I get that, but I’m allowed to complain. Please!’
‘No. You don’t get to complain! You chose this . . . and babies don’t sleep! What did you think would happen?’
Lauren shakes her head. ‘You have no idea . . . no idea—’
‘Well, I’d kill to be as tired as you. So shut up.’
‘No, you shut up. I feel so gagged. Like I can’t complain. When every day is so long and hard and . . .’
‘SHUT UP.’ I’m so angry I could combust.
Steffi steps into the middle. ‘I really think we need to stop telling each other to shut up—’
‘Oh, shut up,’ Nicki hurls at her. ‘Go and post a link to another article about how boring parents are. You don’t think that’s telling us to shut up?’
‘You shut up,’ she hits it back. ‘You smug fucking—’
‘You can’t tell me to shut up, I’m pregnant!’
‘Oh whoop de doo, you’re pregnant,’ I scream. ‘Everyone’s so fucking pregnant. You all get pregnant just by blinking and then you can’t shut up about it.’
‘Stop it, .’
Woody’s screams are a horrific background noise to this horrific argument. We’re all crying now, all of our fists are clenched. I hate them. I hate this. I hate today. I hate my broken body. I hate how I have to be happy for everyone when I’m drowning in grief.
‘Shut up.’
‘You shut up.’
‘No, you.’
The baby’s howling. Lauren sobbing as she tries to console him. I don’t even feel sad, just curdled with envy that she has a baby she gets to comfort.
‘Shut up, shut up, shut uuuuuuuup. ’ I scream so loud that they all stop for a second. Then, in the few seconds of silence, as we all stare at each other in shock, I realise I can’t be here. Not with these women. These sad excuses for friends. Their energy is so toxic, no wonder my body is malfunctioning. I push past Lauren and run into the bathroom, locking the door, letting the rest of them scatter behind me.
Transcript: Inspector Simmons interviewing Nicole Davies, Lauren Powell, Steffani Fox, Roth
Simmons: So, you say you were doing the gender reveal with your three best friends and that’s how the fire started?
Nicole: Yes. I told you. We all went out onto the deck to set off the smoke grenade that had bought. But it kind of exploded backwards, landing in the lawn. had a bucket of water nearby, but it didn’t put the whole thing out. By the time we got another bucket of water, the fire had already spread to the whole garden.
***
Simmons: And then what happened?
Lauren: We tried to put it out but the fire was moving so fast. We were running back and forth with cups of water but it was useless and so dangerous. We were all coughing. I had Woody with me and he was my priority. Our priority. We ran towards the house, calling 999 on our phones, but we quickly realised the house wasn’t safe. The fire was everywhere.
***
Simmons: So you just left it to burn?
Steffani: No. We tried to put it out, but the water did nothing, and then the fire was all around us and we had to run. The heat was so intense, I honestly thought we were in hell. The 999 operator told us to get out. We ran to the front of the house and crammed into Lauren’s car. It was a nightmare – we couldn’t get Woody into his car seat. I had to clutch him on my lap. Nicki struggled to get into the front seat. She was coughing. I honestly worried we wouldn’t get out in time.
***
Simmons: Is there anything you’d like to add to this statement?
: Nothing further your honour.
Simmons: I’m not a judge.
: Whoops.
Simmons: And what if I were to tell you that I don’t think this adds up? The timings, the lack of photos taken of the reveal, the way I’m supposed to believe you were all suddenly best friends again after a big fight?
: I’d want to know a bit more about your childhood to understand where your trust issues are coming from, to be honest. Because I don’t lie. It’s bad for my frequency.