Steffi
Well, I guess I’m back in this downstairs bathroom again. I should pay rent on it. It really does have a stunning view, looking out across the dried vista, as I push tears back into my eyes and get out my phone to comfort myself. The worst has happened now, I guess, and a calm settles – as I’ve learned it does when the worst happens. I was almost tranquil when Mum finally let go.
So, my friends do think my life is less than theirs because I don’t want to have children. They do think I’m selfish and frivolous, and what was the last one, oh yeah, unsafe to look after them. I sniff again and go through my emails from today, re-reading all the amazing ones that have come in. I wouldn’t get sent emails like this if I had a baby. The idea women can have it all is bullshit, Mum had always been honest and clear about that with me. She loved me and wouldn’t change me for the world, but her life would be very different if she’d not had me. ‘And it’s not different in any better or worse way,’ she’d once told me, one boring day in hospital. She was listing all the things she’d never be able to do now she’d been given a six-month time limit. ‘ Don ’ t believe that lie my darling. Having a child isn ’ t the better option that leads to the most happiness. In fact, it ’ s a very limiting option that closes off a lot of paths. Be sure that path is worth it, that the others won ’ t make you feel more whole. ’
Look at Lauren. Look what she used to be like. Amazing career. Lovely husband. And now look at the actual state of her. The path does not seem worth it to me. I can see, now, why mothers judge me so harshly. It has to be worth it, in their heads, because their sacrifice has been so huge and it’s so never-ending. They’re jealous of my life and how they can’t have it anymore. And they know – underneath their own propaganda – that my life is as good as theirs without such unrelenting sacrifice. I have all the things they claim their babies bring them and yet I have more.
A message dings in from Rosa and I read it with a half smile.
Rosa:
I will never have the words to thank you. You’re my fairy godmother. You’ve changed my life, forever, in the best possible way. How can I ever make that up to you? I can’t. But I can only ever be thankful.
I’ve let this bloody baby shower overshadow too much of today. A life-defining day. There’s no party or presents for me, no punch or games or group activities. But today has been a magical achievement and I’m angry at myself for hiding from it all day. I start punching out emails, sending strategy voice notes to myself on my phone, I lose myself in the gorgeous warm bath of my career, the sanctuary of my inbox. I’m not sure what gets me to look up, but, after some minutes, I glance at the window and gasp.
The entire garden is on fire.