12. Gage
12
GAGE
F eeling panic in a sober state isn’t something I’ve experienced in a long time. High me would have faced this guy from my past, shot the shit with him, recognized the fact that he was about to string me along on a trip I’d go on willingly, and have a good night followed by a terrible morning. But the new me is unsure where I stand.
I can’t judge this guy. Because I am this guy. I’ve been this guy for over twelve years.
I can’t be high and mighty around him because that was the worst way for someone to act around me when I was struggling on my wayward path. Paul, my ex, did that a lot.
But now I’m stone-cold sober with a full gut and sparkly hope about a future that’s fun and enjoyable, maybe with a neurotic gay rambler at my side, and I don’t know where ‘past me’ meets ‘future me’ and combines with ‘present me.’
And Alexei is here, and despite how deeply he understands addiction and has lived through the agony of it, I’m trying to impress him regardless of how adamant I was about not flirting. I’m flirting! And now my past is flirting dangerously with me.
“Hey, man,” I say.
Hey, man? Jesus. I don’t want to be around this guy anymore, but at the same time, he’s the whole reason I came back to town. He’s a part of that friend group I just told Alexei about, the one that liked to get high. He looks high right now, and I hate that there’s an itch inside me, petty and jealous about it. I forgot what it looked like. Almost forgot what it felt like. It looks horrible but feels awesome, and fuck… I’m craving it a bit.
“You back?” Brian asks, looking from me to Alexei, barely sparing him a glance. “I heard you were back, but you never came around.” He smacks my arm playfully.
I don’t know how to act.
“Yeah, back,” I say, unsure if I want to shift closer to Alexei to use him as a safety net or turn my back on him altogether so he doesn’t see the cravings in my eyes. “Uh, just got out of rehab not too long ago.” There. It’s out there. I’m sober.
Please don’t offer me anything.
Please do.
“Oh, good for you, man.” He doesn’t mean it. It’s something other still-using users say to show a little recognition, but in the back of his mind, he’s already planning what he’ll give me when I predictably go crawling to wherever he’s about to invite me. His celebratory drug. “Stop by my place sometime. Me and Becky are living in my dad’s old place.”
There it is. The invitation I need to refuse but don’t know how to.
Brian and Becky are a pretty solid couple, considering their lifestyle. Becky is actually smart as a whip, but drugs have dulled her, and Brian is skilled with his hands when they don’t shake. They bond well because they get high together well. I’ve never had that. Never wanted it.
But Alexei…
Instead of answering Brian’s invitation, I step beside Alexei and bump him with my shoulder. “This is Alexei. Not sure if you know each other.”
“Yeah, hey,” Brian says dismissively. Because Alexei is standing in the way of Brian having one more drug buddy.
Alexei nods but says nothing. My hand lands on his lower back, out of sight, and I think I’m shaking. Or trembling. Or maybe I’m entirely still, and I just feel wobbly inside.
“Stop by!” Brian says, backing away. “Awesome to have ya back, Rossum!”
And then he’s gone, and I’m staring, numb but oversensitive, unsure where to go or how to take a single step off this cracked sidewalk. Then Alexei shifts from foot to foot, reminding me that my hand is on his back.
Oh. That’s nice. That feels better. I look at him, not sure if I’m about to say something or just settle myself with the sight of him. The blue of his eyes perfectly matches the hue of his hair in this lighting, and my god, pale blue is my forever favourite colour now. Icy yet calm. So Alexei.
“Still want to get grout?” I ask him, trying to break out of the moment.
“Yeah,” he answers, but he’s pressing his phone to my ear and it’s ringing. I place my hand on top of his, holding it there just so I can touch him.
“Hey, Alex,” Nathan answers.
Oh.
“Alex?”
“I think I need help,” I say. Admit. Confess.
It’s one in the morning, and after he got back from getting grout on his own, Alexei went to bed at ten because ‘a good sleep routine is essential to optimal health,’ but I’m drinking my fourth coffee at the kitchen table with Nathan. And loving that Alexei still went to get grout without me. He won’t allow me to let him down, and that… helps me feel like less of a loser.
“You’re avoiding,” Nathan says. “You know avoidance isn’t a good method.”
I know that! And he’s not talking about Brian and Becky and stopping by for celebratory drugs. He’s talking about home. I won’t go there.
“I don’t want them to see me like this.” I spin my mug, reading the quote on the ceramic. Apparently, Rock Bottom has a basement. I don’t know if this is Nathan’s funny way of talking about his hard times or if it’s Alexei’s warped sense of humour and lack of filter about literally everything, but it makes me feel better to read it.
“They’re your family, Gage. They know you, and they’re here to support you.”
“My mom, maybe. But the twins shouldn’t have to worry about me. None of them should have to worry about me. Like fuck, all I did was run into a guy on the street, and it rendered me so useless I couldn’t even give Alexei his driving lesson in the city!” My mug tilts, spilling tepid coffee on the dark countertop.
“He asked you for that?” Nathan asks, surprised. “Nevermind. This is about you. I know you want to shield your brothers, but they aren’t stupid. They want to know you. Even the rough bits.”
I know he’s right, but I don’t feel ready to see them yet. Mom knows where I am. She knows I’m safe and alive and not dead on a bathroom floor somewhere, so at least I can give myself a point for that. Even if it was Nathan’s idea to call and let her know.
“I know. I just need a minute or something. Can I sleep in one of your sixteen spare bedrooms?”
He laughs. “Anytime, yeah. But first, take a minute to be proud. You got triggered. You called.”
Alexei called. Would I if he hadn’t? Or would I have gone to the city with him because I felt obligated to, ruined his night, and fucked up his grout and his driving even more? If I’d been alone when I ran into Brian, would I have followed him home and taken whatever he offered? Hypotheticals aren’t my friend, so I try not to overthink it.
“Am I ever going to get to a point where seeing random people on the street doesn’t send me into a tailspin?” I ask.
“You will. Takes time, and to be honest, you’re just starting to face it all. It’s gonna hurt. It’s gonna rattle you. But you’re strong, and you have a good family at your back.”
But I’ve always had a good family at my back. I fucked up most of my life with a good family at my back. But maybe Nathan is right; I am stronger now. I think. I have some hope and a lot of determination. But…
“I got jealous of his high,” I admit. “I saw his eyes and recognized the way he was acting, and it brought me right back to feeling that way, and I wanted it. Really bad.”
“Go stare at the bathroom floor, the toilet, the sink, and try to remember what the downside of it feels like. We like to remember the high of the high, but we block out the low of the low in order to justify it. It’s normal. When I first got sober, I looked through photo albums of Alex. I didn’t take those photos. His mom didn’t take them. They were from a neighbour who babysat him. They were my low point because I missed every single one of those memories. Someone else got to witness them. What’d you miss when you were puking your guts up?”
What’d I miss? The high. So I kept on chasing it.
But life-wise? My brothers. I missed most of their lives because they’re so much younger than me and I spent most of their lifetime being a mess. I think they blame me for Dad leaving, even though they won’t say it. A teen junkie, another teen doing well, and twin kids isn’t easy, and he left because of it. But so did I…
“You’re right. I left them just like my dad did.” I stand. “I missed Nick and Cole. And Owen. I’m gonna go creep on them.”
“You’re going home?” Nathan asks.
Yeah, to spy on my brothers while they sleep so I can drink in parts of their lives I’ve never experienced before. Creepy? Yeah. But I’m gonna roll with it. “Yeah, but first, I’m gonna go take a pee in the upstairs bathroom. The one right inside Alexei’s room…”
Nathan pins me with a hard look. “Hurt him, I’ll end you.”
“I’m trying to be platonic.”
“How’s that working?”
Not awesome. Harder than I thought. “I know I’m not worthy of him…”
“You are. But he’s everything to me, and I’ll protect him from anyone. You. Other men. Life. Everything.”
“I know.”
“And don’t let him push you. You’re still a sex addict in recovery, Gage.”
“No sex,” I say, meaning it. I’ve got a ways to go in understanding my impulses and lack of impulses when it comes to sex.
He stares for another minute before turning off the kitchen light. He nods at the stairs to give me permission to see Alexei and adds, “Lock the front door on your way out.”
“Thank you. For… just thanks.”
It’s hard to sneak around in an old mansion. Every step creaks, and all the floorboards in the hallway groan, but I make it to his door. I know for a fact the hinges squeal, so I’m happy to find it open. I thought he’d be the type to sleep straight on his back with an eye mask or something, but he’s all sprawled out, blankets tangled everywhere, one foot hanging off the edge of the bed.
Fucking adorable.
Bare chest. Bare feet. Blankets blocking everything else.
Fucking sexy.
“Are your thoughts still platonic?” he asks, making me jump.
“Fuck, Alexei! I thought you were asleep.”
“I was. I have a weird ability to go straight from deep sleep to wide awake in an instant.” He pulls his leg back, tucking it under the blankets. “Instinct from the days I watched over my parents, I guess. Why are you standing over me like a creepy ghost?”
“I thought I was throwing out more of a guardian angel vibe?” I sit on the edge of his bed.
Alexei blinks at me through the dimness of the room. His glossy eyes reflect the moonlight glinting off the mirror of his dresser. “What’re you doing in here?”
“I can’t have sex with you,” I blurt, but he doesn’t look shocked. “Yet. I want to.”
“You want to?” He lifts a brow.
“Yes. I really want to. But… it was a date, okay? I took you to the diner and paid because it was a date, and I don’t want to pretend that it wasn’t because I want to date you even though you can do a million times better than me and I’m the last person you should be dating. Remember all that stuff I said about ruining your life?”
“Vividly.”
“Well, I don’t want to do that, but I tend to have a shady track record, so… I might. By accident. So, before you go and plant me in the boyfriend box, you should slap a bunch of caution tape all over me and set warning alarms or something.”
“You think I haven’t done that?” He sits up, facing me with his back against the headboard. The blankets pool at his hips, and… motherfucker.
Alexei’s smooth, naked torso glows in the moonlight is going into the arousal journal.
“Have you?”
“Do you know me at all?” He huffs. “I am suspicious by nature. I have trust issues. In my world, you are guilty until proven innocent. I have categorized your red flags and made subcategories under them, filed them with sticky tabs about warning signs and all your tells. I have you annotated in my mind, Gage. Give me more credit than that. You know I’m neurotic.”
I laugh. “Good. Because neurotic is exactly what I need in a future boyfriend.”
“Not so distant future.” Alexei’s eyes meet mine. “Are you going to kiss me now?”
Fuck, I want to. “No, but you told me to let you know how I make out with being aware of my arousal, right? I’m turned on, Alexei. You turn me on. And since I’m allowed to jerk off now, maybe I’ll go home and do that while thinking about you. I’ll show you the entry in my journal tomorrow.”
He wets his lips and bunches the blanket around his lap. “You better be a detailed writer.”
“I am.” I grin at him, and when I lean in, listening to his breath stop, I exhale against his cheek before planting a soft kiss there. “Goodnight, Alexei.”
“Goodnight, Gage.”
Okay, full-on raging boner by the time I make it to the front door, locking it behind me like Nathan told me to. New plan: jerk off over memories of Alexei, write a journal essay, and then go appreciate the lives of my brothers while they sleep.