23. Gage
23
GAGE
I ’m experiencing the comedown without having gotten high. Holy fuck am I crashing. Hard. It takes me a whole forty-eight hours to even get the energy to leave my bed. And even then, I only go to the bathroom and half-ass my way through a shower. The toothbrush Alexei used is sitting there, and I’m weird because I put it in my mouth and start to cry.
On the third day, I miss Alexei so much that I shuffle my way down the street to knock on his door. But Nathan tells me he doesn’t want to see me right now, so my heart breaks all over again. I go for too many coffees with Nathan, and then the two of us eat a whole box of factory cookies on my front porch while Nick and Cole are at school.
That night, I don’t sleep a wink because stress and insomnia are a mad combination. So I drink tea in my window seat with Mom and Owen until two in the morning.
Alexei 3: I finished the light switch covers and now I’m working on a grate cover for the fireplace. No blowtorch this time.
I smile at the message and type out sixty-six replies. I never send one.
On day four, I’m hungry for something other than cookies and I go to a meeting with Nathan. When I walk in the front door at home, Nick and Cole tense up in the kitchen. I cry. They cry. Mom makes tea. They’re sorry, and I’m sorry that they had to witness me like that, and there’s so much tea and cream cheese sandwiches. It’s not mended, but it’s not broken anymore either.
Then a few days go by, and I get a lot of messages from Alexei.
Alexei 3: Another coincidence happened today, and you know how much I enjoy coincidences.
Gage: Are you going to tell me what it was?
Alexei 3: Coincidentally, no.
Time passes for me in increments of Alexei’s rambles.
Alexei 3: I got stumped with the fireplace grate, so I had to go to the city and visit the shop, and OMG Gage I drove confidently because a good song came on that made me think of you.
Alexei 3: I don’t remember what song it was.
Alexei 3: I think I know what it means to fixate on something now. I’m taking a break. No more workshopping until I finish my actual work. How’s my sign coming?
And because he reminded me of it, I open my iPad and start working on it. Another whole day goes by, and I somehow have three thousand versions of Alexei’s workshop sign. I ask for his email, and when he gives it to me, I send all three thousand to him. Exaggeration, but it feels like that many.
I go to quilting night and finally get to use the sewing machines. Pearl is almost done with her quilt for Alexei, and I love that she made the thread baby blue on the black parts and black on the baby blue parts. My frilly butterflies are kind of shitty, but it still feels satisfying when I sew them all together. And eat raisins. Nancy and Marian compliment my snack. I baked a phyllo pastry stuffed with spinach and feta cheese. It took me three hours to roll it up right, and it looks horrendous, but I guess it tastes alright. Next time, I’ll make some sort of dip for it because it’s a little dry.
At the meeting a few nights later, I actually share something.
“I don’t know how to feel proud,” I say. “Because I didn’t inhale that bag of coke, but I treated everyone I love like shit at the same time. It’s overpowering my pride.”
Carla, the woman who runs the meetings, tells me it’s okay to feel conflicted. That we make mistakes, but that doesn’t mean our wins aren’t wins. I’ll do better next time, she says.
On our way out, Nathan shoves his hands in his pockets and asks, “Everyone you love?”
And yeah, he knows I love his son now, but I can’t really talk about it because Alexei still doesn’t want to see me. I wonder if I still have a mug there.
Today, it’s been ten days since that horrible night, and I’m back in the city I spent so many years in. It took me and Owen almost four hours to drive here, and even though Mom and Nathan don’t think this is the best time for me to be confronting my past, I’m doing it anyway. Because Owen is with me.
“Think he’ll show?” Owen asks as we wait in a breakfast restaurant. We left before sunrise, but Paul agreed to meet us at 10 a.m. It’s already 10:15, and it’s not like him to be late. Or it wasn’t like him to be late.
I have a folder of documents from a lawyer Kristen put me in touch with. Pages with signature lines that state we’re splitting everything financially down the middle. The house, mostly. He can keep everything else, but if he wants to get rid of it, I’ll split the cost of throwing it out. I need to end this chapter.
When Paul walks in forty minutes late, I offer him a small smile. His falls off his face when he notices my brother with me, but he sits down opposite us anyway.
“You look good. Healthy.” Same thing he said when I got out of rehab. “Tired, though.”
It’s on the tip of my tongue to ask him if he purposefully kept me an addict. Not that it would ever all be his fault, but it hurts me to know he hindered any progress I’d made. In the end, I just say, “Thanks.”
And so we move on. I show him the documents, and he gets a little mad about them, but at the end of breakfast, he’s signed the one that says he’ll buy me out. He wants to keep the place, pay the difference, and cut all ties with me. I’m fine with it. We agree to get the house appraised, come up with the amount he owes me, and be done. The rest will go through the lawyers.
He stands, looking down at me like I’m weak for needing my brother here. “Wish you the best, Gage. Honestly.”
His honestly means nothing to me anymore. I stand to level the power imbalance. “Thanks. Wishing you the best, too. Honestly.”
I order two more refills of my coffee before I get the balls to leave the breakfast place. Looking at my brother and feeling a little better about things, I ask, “Wanna go get another coffee and I can show you where I relapsed because of a frappé and a busted window?”
He laughs, but he’s nodding, telling me to lead the way.
Alexei 3: Wanna go for a walk?
This is it. It’s been almost two weeks since I pushed Alexei against my front door and barrelled over him like he meant nothing. Tonight is the night he can face me. Break me. Break up with me. As much as I want to text back and tell him no, to delay the inevitable and live in the illusion that we’re going to be fine for a bit longer, therapy and recovery are teaching me not to bottle my feelings.
Gage: Meet you halfway.
There’s no witty banter or headlocks when I pass the twins, but maybe—hopefully—we’ll get there again when the sting of that night stops stinging. Mom has books about swords and knives open on the table because she’s about to pick her next project, but she smiles at me when I walk down the stairs.
“Meeting?” she asks.
“Walk. With Alexei.” I swallow my nerves.
“Okay, honey. Say hi for me.” It’s like she’s not even worried. Not even aware that this is the night my first and only good relationship ends. Though, to be fair, I pretty much wrote the ending of us almost two weeks ago when I didn’t trust him when he asked me to.
God, why didn’t I just trust him like he asked me to?
I shake a cigarette free from my pack, promising I’ll only smoke it until I meet Alexei halfway, but he’s already here. Standing on the sidewalk by the street, no blues with his blacks tonight. It’s the first time I’m seeing him since then, and holy fuck, he’s gotten more… more . He’s gothier, moodier, hotter, and brighter all at once, and the combination is breathtaking. So much so that the cigarette slips between my fingers and settles in the dewy grass somewhere.
His pale blue eyes are curious like they usually are, but I can’t tell if the hesitation in them is made up in my mind or real.
“Hi.”
He smiles. “Hi. Ready?” He starts walking and I follow, shoving my pack of smokes back into my pocket.
We walk for three whole blocks before I get up the nerve to look at him. I can’t read him, though. We walk another block while I practice my speech in my head. I chicken out of it on the next block. It feels so good to be around him again, but I don’t want to get too comfortable here since it’s ending. I drink it in, breathe it through my nose and close my eyes to cherish it.
And then I stop delaying the inevitable. “I’m sorry, Alexei. I’ll still make your sign if you want it. I kind of want to make it still. But I hope we can remain friends when the hurt of what I’ve done wears off.”
He stops, and since he’s kind of in front of me, I run right into his back. He doesn’t budge forward, so when he spins around, we’re almost nose to nose. “What’re you talking about?”
I take a step back. “Uh, well, I know you were just giving me time to get myself settled a bit more, but you don’t have to drag it out any longer. I can handle it. It… I hate myself for losing you, but you’re allowed to break up with me even though I’m in recovery. You don’t have to walk on eggshells.”
His nose crinkles and his eyes squint. “I’m not walking on eggshells. I’m walking on my own two feet, just like I always told you I would. And guess what? So are you. You didn’t lean on me or use me as a guilt trip. You handled a shitty situation and finally learned that you have people to rely on.”
“I… yeah. What?” My turn to squint at him. “But I hurt you. I didn’t trust you or listen to you.”
“Most people just say sorry for that. Social protocol and all that nonsense.” He waves his painted nails in the space between us. “So go for it. Apologize. I’m listening.”
“I’m sorry,” I blurt. “I’m so fucking sorry, Alexei. I can’t believe I did that to you, and I know it’s no excuse, but I warned you I’m a bit destructive, and… I’m sorry I got destructive.” I meet his eyes. “I never want to destroy you. Or hurt you. Or treat you like that. And I understand why you want to break up.”
He snorts. “If you think I want to break up, you do not understand the concept of soulmates. Don’t worry. You’ll get it eventually.” He grabs my wrist, pulling my hand from my pocket. “Just because we fight, need space, treat each other poorly, or disagree on something doesn’t mean we’re breaking up, Gage. We’re going to fight. It happens in all relationships. Good ones and bad ones, and since I happen to think we’re one of the good ones, a bit of fighting is tolerable. Unless we turn into one of those bad relationships, we’re okay to fight and not break up. You understand that, right?”
No. No, I don’t understand that because I shoved him. Hurt him both emotionally and physically. I made him cry because of my own stupidity. And now I’m tearing up, staring at him in dumbstruck awe because I honestly thought this was it. This was our break-up moment.
“I’m not going to leave you just because I give you space,” Alexei says. “And you need to stop fearing that we’re going to break up every time something happens.”
“But you didn’t want to see me for two weeks,” I say, my throat hitching.
“Oh, I really wanted to see you. Like, more than anything. I annoyed the shit out of Dad by talking about you all the time, and now the name Gage is banned after dinner. And since I didn’t send you all the texts I wrote, I took screenshots of them all so I can show you them later.” He smiles.
I still don’t know if I’m dying or living.
“I gave you space so you could process, Gage. So that you can come back to me as my boyfriend instead of as a guilt-laden dick. And later on, in the future, I’ll be right by your side when you go through tough times like that, but this time, because it’s still so new and it’s one of the hardest things you’ve faced since getting home, you needed to know that you had what it took. That you could handle it. Without me. So that if the unspeakable ever does happen and our soulmateship comes to an end, you already have the proof that you can handle things without me. I did it for us. For you. For the survival of us.”
I’m so snotty, and my eyes are crying so hard. A choked sob leaves my lips, and my knees scream in pain when I land right on them against the hard sidewalk. Alexei falls with me, pulling me against him, hugging me in the middle of Lindon Street, three streets over from ours, in front of house number 759.
Alexei proved a point to me. A point I never knew I needed. That I can handle things on my own. That we’re getting into a relationship as people , not as an addict and the son of an addict. Those things are there, but above them, we’re two guys falling in love because of our personalities and the way they mesh together. He proved to me that he won’t let me ruin him, that he can handle things without me too, and that he honestly has my best interests at heart while making sure he’s taking care of himself, too. More than anything, that puts me at ease because it means he really won’t let me taint him. No matter how toxic I am, Alexei is stronger. The only way I’ll lose him is by turning our good relationship into a bad one.
“Soulmateship?” I choke out the word, knowing there are a thousand things I should thank him for instead.
“Yeah, just accept it, Gage. And call me complicated again.”
It’s sort of gross when I laugh because a snot bubble comes out. He cringes at it, pushing me back with a smile on his face. “Thank you. For doing all that. For… for still wanting to be with me even though I made a huge mistake.” I wipe my eyes and nose and then hold his hand in my snotty one. “And I’m sorry, Alexei.”
“You boys okay?” the owner of 759 Lindon Street asks from her porch.
“All good! We’re just having a moment,” Alexei tells her with a small smile. “You okay?”
I nod, more okay than I thought I’d be. “Can our first kiss come with snot and a lot of drool?”
“That’s what sleeves are for,” he says. While I’m wiping my nose with my sleeves and trying to get my act together, he asks, “Are you sure you’re ready for the intimacy it’ll bring?”
I’m nodding before he’s done asking, but I take a deep breath to ensure he knows I’m taking it seriously. “I’ve been ready since that first night in your bedroom, Alexei. I know what it means to you, and I want you to know that it means the same to me. That it’s not just chasing orgasms and having fun. It’s a relationship, built together because… you made me believe in soulmates. I just wanted you to believe in me, too.”
“I do,” he says.
It’s slow and appreciative, not cautious, but respectful of the milestone when I lean forward and kiss him. I swear I feel his lip-print stamp onto my heart.
Our lips connect, breaths mingling, gentling the already hesitant kiss. Not hesitant because we’re worried about it, but hesitant because it’s been so built up to that it requires a slow appreciation.
“Wow,” he whispers.
Wow is right. Our mouths meld together, moving seamlessly. But when our tongues get involved, our synchronization goes out the window because we’re both trying to deepen an already deep kiss. He pants against my mouth, and I can’t breathe through my nose, so I suck in his breaths like they’re keeping me alive. My hands come up, one on the side of his neck and the other at the back of his head, holding him against me because I will never get enough of him. I don’t want to let him go.
My knees stop aching from falling to them, and my world rights itself. His tongue slides against mine, perfectly ungraceful enough to make me moan. The sound makes him shiver, his teeth sinking into my bottom lip to slow us down. Because it’s not just a kiss with lips and teeth and tongue. It’s one of those ones that makes your whole body tingle, and I already know my dick is hard from it, but when Alexei groans out a raspy sound that tickles my nuts, I know he’s feeling it too.
“Fuck, you can kiss, complicated.”
“I’ve been dying to show you my kissing skills forever,” he whispers against my mouth. “You in this soulmateship with me, Gage?”
First night I’m hearing the term, but fuck it. I’ve always been impulsive, and this is one impulsive commitment I’ve been slowly committing to since the breakfast he hated me through.
“All in. All my cards are on the table. Because I trust you around me, and I trust me around you, and I’m going to do better not to make mistakes, and I love the way we are together… and I’m falling?—”
“Jesus!” He pulls back so fast and slaps both hands over my mouth, glancing around all sketchy-like. “You cannot say that yet. I haven’t had the proper time to digest this kiss yet, so give me time to appreciate one milestone before you spring another one on me. Especially not under a full moon. My god, Gage.”
I laugh really hard because he’s so ridiculous. “Okay, you tell me when I’m allowed to tell you, and we’ll go from there.” I peck him one more time. “Are you wearing my shoes?” I ask as he shifts around. The blue and black checkered ones.
“Yes. We share clothes in this soulmateship since we’re basically the same size.”
I love that. “Wanna get off the sidewalk and stop putting on a show for all the peeping neighbours?”
He blinks, looking around at all the curtains shoved to the side. “Yes. I actually want to show you something.”
I stare at his eyes, his septum piercing, his wet lips, just… admiring the fuck out of him because he’s fucking awesome. I think he really is my soulmate, and it gives me a silent strength, like something inside me solidifies and becomes more defiant. I think it’s because I want a life with him, and the determination I had that morning I left rehab is fortified now, stronger because I’m even more determined now that I know how incredible my future is going to be.
It’s hope. Real, live, breathing hope. I’m not scared of it anymore.