27. Gage
27
GAGE
F our months.
Four months of being out of rehab, living in the real world, falling in speedy love with my complicated boyfriend, and finding out that soulmates exist. No relapses, a few weak moments, a lot of self-pride, and even a little self-love.
Only one missed Sunday with Alexei.
No drugs. No booze. Haven’t considered stealing anything since the BBQ sauce on wing night. Well, unless you count the coffee beans from work because, my god, I wanted a bag to take home so badly, but I forgot my wallet. Almost took them anyway. Didn’t in the end. No sex. Still.
But… I’m ready. I think.
I’m learning that I have obsessive-compulsive tendencies, but I am way better at rationalizing and managing them while sober. Like... a million times better because it’s barely even been an issue for me. Still, there’s a part of my mind that wants to be hesitant because it’s been easy. Easy isn’t… comfortable. I don’t want ‘easy’ to fool me into thinking I’m ready when I’m really not.
It’s Sunday. Exactly four months since my ‘got-out-of-rehab’ Sunday, and everyone knows it, but no one is mentioning it. Because I’m weird like that. I don’t know if I want the recognition. What if it puts pressure on me and alters my state of mind? I’m still a bit susceptible to that, so for now, we’re all going to celebrate without actually celebrating. Skirt around it without ever mentioning it.
Except Alexei.
“Happy four months,” he says, picking me up from the coffee shop after my shift.
“Alexei! You aren’t supposed to talk about it.”
“About what?” He barely spares me a glance, taking the tea I offer him. He likes it now. Says I make it better than anyone else, even though it’s literally just putting hot water in a cup with a tea bag.
“My four months sober since I got out.”
He snorts. Adds a scoff. “Please. I’m talking about us. If you wanna get technical, it’s three months and twenty-nine days, but whatever. Four months since I started courting you into our soulmateship.”
Oh. Well, shit. That makes me smile. “Courting me? Right from day one?” I grab his hand and link our fingers.
He corrects the hold, unlinking our fingers. “Yes, Gage. I was my normal weird self and you accepted it at breakfast, and it was all over from there. Knew you were mine.” He glances at me like I’m dumb for not knowing. “Had a real hard talk with Fate that night in bed. Like, why the fuck would she throw my soulmate at me in the form of a dubious smoker? So random and against my wishes, but there you were.”
“There I was,” I agree, smiling as we walk home. God, he always makes my mood better, even while he’s being a condescending prick. “Any regrets?”
“One,” he says, sipping. He burns his tongue and glares at me for it.
“What one?” I ask.
“I should have played hard to get a little longer.”
“You played hard to get?”
Another side-eye comes my way, our hands swinging between our bodies. “I tried. The pull was too strong.”
I stop him in the middle of the sidewalk by tugging on his hand. Grabbing his jaw between my thumb and fingers, I press our lips together, kissing him to remind him I know exactly what level of intimacy comes with it.
“It’s not a full moon,” I whisper.
“Pick a more romantic place.”
“Our street isn’t romantic?” Because I want to tell him I love him so badly. The words are champing at the bit to come out, but Alexei has expectations, and I want to meet them all. Four months is a ridiculously fast time to fall for someone, but like he just said, the pull is too strong. When you know, you know.
“I can hear Marian starting her hog,” Alexei says against my mouth, pressing his lips to mine for another kiss.
The sun is almost down, but the night is warm and comfortable. I’m not currently worrying about anything. Brian and Becky are doing well-ish after their visit from the doctor, my relationship with the twins is getting back on track, Owen and my mom are both great, and Alexei completely took my mind off my other four-month anniversary. On top of that, I started a new sewing project with Marian and the ladies, and I can’t wait to give it to Alexei when it’s done.
“Marian’s hog is like the soundtrack to our romance, no?” I ask, pulling back to look him in his pale blue eyes. “I associate motorcycles with the start of our relationship.”
He narrows his eyes at me.
“Soulmateship. Sorry.” I smirk.
Alexei leans into me, forehead against mine. He just breathes for a second, and I close my eyes to enjoy it.
There are moments in my new life that feel slow. The old me was fast-paced and in a rush to get nowhere. I missed so much and forgot all the tiny details. But now that I’ve learned to appreciate the slowness of everything, especially my relationship with Alexei and the family bonding tea nights in the kitchen, I love the way it feels to be able to drink in a moment and appreciate it at the same time.
We’re standing in the middle of the sidewalk at the beginning of our street, people are around, cars are driving by, the night sky is coming fast, and the streetlights are turning on. But we’re stuck in our moment, appreciating it, drinking it in, having it despite the rest of the world moving all around us.
“Thanks for being mine, Gage,” Alexei says softly. “Thanks for making me yours.”
Fuck, he’s precious. I wrap my arms around him, rest my temple against his, and don’t even care when he just leaves his hands hanging, one holding the tea. He leans against me and continues to breathe.
“Thank Fate. It was her doing.”
“Love her.”
“Me too, Alexei. Me too.”
Alexei isn’t afraid of being naked, and he’s even less afraid of the way I admire him slowly.
Laid out on his dark grey sheets, legs spread, eyes on mine, and his smooth skin glowing from the moonlight coming in the window, I peer down at him with nothing but lust, love, and complete adoration. After all the shit I’ve done in my life, no part of me believes I deserve him.
Not only is he absolutely beautiful, he’s quirky perfection and eager brilliance. He’s understanding and compassionate while also hardened and tough when he shouldn’t have to be. He’s intriguing because he’s so different, and he’s funny because of his quick wit. He’s my perfect person, and if I had to pick him out of a lineup, blindfolded and deaf, I’d always gravitate to him because our souls really are connected.
On top of that, his body is stunning. He’s tall and lean, tattooed and softly masculine. I love that his stomach has abs but they aren’t overly defined, the way the veins in his arms stand out, and the blend of harsh grungy vibes meets artistic curiosity in the way he moves and dresses.
“What’re you thinking?” he asks, hands casually beside his head on the pillow while he looks up at me. He’s in no rush to cross another barrier, and I love that he’s the kind of person to enjoy the lead-up to something as much as the actual something.
“That I can’t believe you’re mine,” I tell him, settling all my weight on top of him. He wraps his legs around my waist and pushes his fingers into my hair. “That after all this time and all the bullshit I’ve put myself through, here you are, right when I needed to find you.”
“Hmm,” he muses, fingers tickling my scalp. “Honestly, I thought you’d be more of a dirty-talker than the mushy type.”
“You gotta get through the mushy parts to get to the filth.” I laugh, smiling against his neck. “I bet my dirty-talking game is better than yours.”
“It’s Sunday,” he says randomly. “The Lord’s day.”
“You believe in a lord?” I rock on top of him, our hardening cocks brushing lightly.
“No, but I always extra-behave on a Sunday, just in case I’m wrong. You never know, and no one has the answers, Gage.” He tugs on my hair and brings my mouth to his. He doesn’t kiss me, but he grins against my lips, forcing me to close my eyes and enjoy it. “Wanna tempt our ruin?”
“Temptation is what got me into this mess in the first place,” I tell him, smiling too. “But fuck yes. Since I’m such a good boy these days, and you’re always a good boy, we should push our luck. Just a bit.”
“Just a bit?” He grinds against me, lifting his ass off the bed enough to make me groan. “Just the tip?”
I bite his lip and capture his mouth with mine. Alexei moans against my tongue, sucking it into his mouth hard enough to have my cock pulsing precum. “Fuck no. Not just the tip. The whole thing.”
“Whose whole thing?” he teases as we grind together.
“Guess we’ll find out. Our instinct game starts now, and apparently, we’re pairing it with filthy talk and tempting God.”
“Good luck,” Alexei says.
Then he bucks me off and flips me onto my back, stronger than I thought he was. I gasp, and then my legs are being forced back, knees by my ribs, and Alexei is smirking at me as he leans between them. He gyrates his hips and I’m a goddamn slut for it, panting and grinding back.
“Oh yes,” he teases, “such a good boy.” He pairs it with a wicked grin and an eye roll.
He kisses my neck, sucking a mark into my skin that has my eyes rolling back. When his tongue runs over my nipple, I whine for more, but he doesn’t give it to me. He keeps moving south, licking and sucking his way to my leaking cock, and when he looks up at me with playful eyes, he runs his tongue from base to tip and makes me tremble all over.
My legs push out of his hold, dropping to the bed with him in between. But Alexei doesn’t let me move. He takes me into his mouth and turns me needy. My hips buck, chasing the back of his throat, and my sweet Alexei doesn’t even gag. He languidly sucks me down and lets me control the pace, grinning at me from around my shaft.
“Had no idea you’d be so playful,” I pant at him. “Loving this side of you.”
“Playful is cautious. I’m making sure to read you first.” He smacks his lips and licks them, hand holding my dick straight upright. “Am I winning?”
He is, but I don’t mind. Still, I’m competitive, so I need to even the playing field, and I know exactly what to tell him to startle him enough to flip the script. “I made you your own mug, Alexei. I designed it and used a machine to press it to the mug. Planned to give it to you tomorrow for our four months.”
He falters, gawking at me with heart-eyes. Romance doesn’t mix naturally with his filthy playfulness, and I’ve got him right where I want him.
I grin, sitting and picking him up until he’s straddling my lap.
“You play dirty with your romance,” he complains, grinding down on me with our cocks trapped between our stomachs. “Are you wondering if I’ll like this position? If I wanna ride your cock?”
Yes, actually, I am. “Do you?”
“Cheater.”
Alexei doesn’t let me take control for long. He pushes on my chest, forcing me to lie back, and then he’s crawling up to my face, knees on either side of my head, and I’m lifting to suck his balls into my mouth. Hooking my hands over his thighs from below, I hold him exactly where I want him, driving him just as crazy as I’m driving myself. Because I’m so turned on right now, but no part of me wants to rush to the finish line. I’m not blinded by desire or lost in the chase. I’m enjoying every goddamn step of the way there and hoping he is, too.
I’m not being selfish.
“Fuck,” Alexei moans when I pull him down and run my tongue over his hole. His thighs shake in my grip, and he swears again. But that’s all he’ll let me have. He climbs right over my head and stands at the edge of the bed, naked and brazen. “On your knees, soulmate.” He grins, eyes on fire.
I scramble to my knees, pointing my ass right at him. He uses his knee to spread mine apart, making me sink down a little lower, and then he pushes on my mid-back, making me fall to my elbows.
“Time to test a theory,” he says. Then he licks me, and I instinctively press my ass back against his tongue. “Oh, yeah. You like that, don’t you? Knew you’d be greedy.”
“I’ve told you I’m greedy from the start.” I’m panting, and I can’t even try to hide it because I’m a ten-year-long smoker and my shitty lungs are obvious. But then I choke on a groan when Alexei’s hands spread me wide open, and his warm, wide tongue runs a straight path down my crack and over my hole. “Mmm.”
My head hangs between my arms as Alexei works me over. And once again, I’m just wowed by him. He knows what he wants and goes for it, and even though we’re new to this and still getting to know one another, he’s bold in his experiments. And he’s nailing it. Because when I look between my body and the bed, seeing my flushed and swollen cock jutting out proudly, it’s leaking a line of precum all the way down to the grey sheets.
“Alexei,” I moan, wanting more but also wanting him closer to me. “Come here.” I spin to reach for him, but he shoves me back down. “Alexei,” I complain.
“Shh.” He swats my ass playfully. “You know how long I’ve wanted to perform for you, Gage? Let me have the spotlight.”
I twist out of his hold and settle on my back, holding my own knees up. “Fine. Perform, but let me fucking look at you while you do it.”
He’s not grinning anymore, but there’s pride and defiance in his eyes as he sinks to his knees at the side of the bed. In minutes, I’m so wound up I’m squeezing my dick in an effort not to come. Alexei’s mouth is pure magic. No other explanation, because the way he rims me, sucks me, nips at my flesh and teases every sensitive part of me is the best damn illusion I’ve ever witnessed. And he looks like the sexiest magician while doing it.
But then he adds a finger.
And… oh my god . “Fucking hell, Alexei. Have mercy. It’s been over a year since I—oh, holy fuck.” I barely stay flat when he squeezes two fingers inside me and his thumb outside me, essentially pinching my prostate between his grip and massaging it perfectly. “You’re the devil,” I pant. “No point in being extra-good on Sundays with that kind of hellish skill.”
Am I lucid? I glance around the room, trying to get my bearings for just a second to make sure this is actually real. To slow myself down, to take it in, remember it, appreciate it for the epic first time we’re about to have.
“I knew you’d beg,” he says, still working those fingers. “Just didn’t think it’d be for me to stop.” He smirks at me, finger fucking my ass like a goddamn expert.
“Over a year, Alexei. Over a year. My tolerance to last is… you make it nothing!”
With another grin, he stands. He nods at the bed, basically commanding me to move up it without words, and fuck me, I do it. Because Alexei might be bold yet bashful outside the bedroom, but in here, he’s in charge, and he knows it.
Grabbing lube from the bedside table, he settles between my legs, squirts some onto his fingers, and then bends over me, kissing me so hard I see stars behind my closed eyelids.
“How’s my instinct, Gage?” he asks, dragging my lower lip between his teeth. His fingertips tease my hole, not breaching again, but making me wiggle hard enough to try and force them to. “Hmm, pretty good, I’d say.”
We’ve been playing this guessing game for months, and there’s no sense in dragging it out any longer. I want to fuck. Right now. “Fuck me, Alexei. No more waiting. Your instincts are?—”
Two fingers push inside me and his mouth captures the moan that leaves my lips. “Pay attention,” Alexei says, removing his fingers. “To me. To you. To everything.”
When he leans back, I watch with focused interest as he puts a condom on. The whole picture is intriguing. From the way his hand rolls the material down his length to the way his stomach muscles bunch in the background, and up to his icy eyes and the way they watch me instead of his hands. His gaze shifts to the lube, so I grab it and take the chance to lube him up. I’m already lubed and ready for him, but I use the excess on my cock, eyes watching Alexei.
“Are you paying attention, Gage?”
Rapt fucking attention. I couldn’t focus harder if I tried.
When the head of his cock presses against my hole, I blink, making sure my eyes are lubricated enough to stay open the entire time he pushes inside me. With my legs spread and Alexei between them, I hold my breath as he breaches my body and causes a beautiful pain I haven’t felt in so long. But when his hand slides up my chest, caressing and tickling, I inhale and remember to exhale.
“God,” Alexei moans, eyes closing for a second to appreciate this monumental step we’re taking. I don’t know if it’d be monumental to anyone else, but to me, it is. Because I’m a sex addict in recovery. Because he’s my soulmate. Because this is our first time. Because we’ve been building and building to this, and maybe, just fucking maybe, I feel like I’ve earned it instead of expected it.
His eyes open, meeting mine, and he pushes in deeper. I groan, but not in pain. In sensation, because fucking hell, Alexei has consumed every part of me since the moment I met him, and to feel him consume my body too? It’s everything.
“Still paying attention?” he asks, his voice taking on a sexy, abrasive edge.
I nod, breathing through the stretch.
“What do you notice?” he asks, hips thrusting ever so slightly.
I notice my hands are balled into tight fists, so I relax them. I notice my neck muscles are strained, so I open my jaw and remind my body to soften. I’m clenching around him, so I bear down, immediately making it easier to take him.
“There you go,” Alexei says, smiling softly. “Talk to me.”
“I’m emotional,” I admit. Sex has never been an emotional thing for me. It’s been about orgasm chasing, like I told him before. This is different. It’s hot and sexy, and it’s barely begun, but it’s also loving and deep just because it’s with him. It’s powerful because I trust myself. “And proud.”
“Of what?”
“Of getting here. Of recovery. Of learning my body and trusting it.” I reach forward, hands on his hips. “Of earning this with you.” Thank you for being patient with me, Alexei.
“You should be proud,” he says, bending forward to kiss my neck. “You feel good, Gage.”
I wrap my legs around him, digging my heels into his ass until he’s all the way inside me and we’re both moaning through it.
“Holy fuck, complicated.” I grit the words, not even meaning to use his nickname. My fingers dig into his skin, and he watches me like he’s waiting for permission to move. I exhale slowly, letting go of my tension, my fear of a relapse, and my self-doubts. I’ve got this. I’m in control. Natalie said I’m allowed to get swept up and enjoy it, and that’s exactly what I plan to do. Because I finally have Alexei inside me, and I’ve wanted this since the day he bluntly asked me what I’m addicted to. I look into his eyes, a grin tilting my lips. “No point in even trying to be good on this Sunday, Alexei. I can’t believe we’re finally...”
Alexei bites his lip. He pulls out and pushes back inside of me, stealing my breath and my sanity in one slow thrust. When he does it again, I push back, trying to take him as deep as I can. It feels good. So good. His eyes are on mine, and I’m trying to keep mine on his, but I look away.
Shit. I look away…
Alexei stops moving. He gently touches my chin, giving me time to look at him again. When I meet his eyes, he does that thing where he takes his time studying me, and for the first time, I panic a little at what he’ll find. Because my mind is busy… He’s inside me; we’re having sex, the first sex after recovering from a sex addiction, and my mind is… on it. Thinking about it. I’m letting worry consume me, worry I don’t even understand because it wasn’t there a second ago. I start to sweat, afraid of what’s happening to me or why it’s happening now when I’ve literally just begged him to fuck me.
Oh my god. What is wrong with me?
He pulls out, sinking down to kiss me instead. I kiss him back, but a thousand apologies are already on my lips. Because I’ve ruined it. I’ve ruined our first time. I’m embarrassed, full of shame, weirded out by my own thoughts. I have been craving this for four months. I’ve wanted Alexei this way for so long that I can hardly resist him. Literally seconds ago, I writhed beneath him, eager and overexcited about getting his dick inside me. It felt good. It felt really good. But my fucking head!
“Alexei, I’m so?—”
“Don’t you dare apologize,” he whispers against my lips. “We made a deal to trust our instincts and see how well we could read each other, right?” He pulls back to look at me, and I nod when he smiles. “Well, we’re doing that. It’s not the right time for sex.” His smile is so sexy, so confident and sure, and it makes my head pound with pride. I picked an asshole in Paul, but I picked a fucking winner in Alexei. “Look at how well we read each other, Gage.” He smirks.
“But I want this,” I insist. “I don’t know why my head is caught up.”
“Because it’s a big step,” he says. “Because you respect yourself. You respect us.” He dips to kiss me again, and when he adds his tongue, my hands snake around his neck to keep him here. “Stop feeling guilty. Try to set it aside and listen to what your body wants. What does it want, Gage?”
“You.”
He reaches between our bodies to take the condom off, and then he slides his cock against mine. I’ve softened a little, but I’m already hardening again. He rubs against me, and my legs wrap around his hips, my heels digging into his ass to bring him down against me again.
“You can have me,” he whispers. “Just like this. Mm.”
“You’re not… upset?”
“I’m proud. And more turned on because you’re admitting to yourself what you feel.”
Alexei isn’t making this weird, so I’m going to try not to be the one who does. I take a deep breath and listen to my body. Everything we’ve done together up until this point has been hot, and I’ve never gotten in my head about it. Now that penetration is off the table for tonight, I relax into the way our bodies meld together, the feel of his hard cock against mine, and the way his hands hold me with nothing but love and acceptance.
I’m comfortable with Alexei. I want him. I need him. And I don’t feel stupid. My guilt vanishes, my embarrassment changes into arousal, and I give myself permission to still be horny even after screwing up the sex.
“Alexei,” I say, pushing him up so I can reach down to grip us in my fist. He moans as I rub us together. “Thank you.”
The way our bodies move together settles my mind, and the gentleness of the moment isn’t void of lust. It’s still there, and the build-up to a new type of orgasm is subtle yet sexy. It’s comfortable because Alexei read me. He followed his instincts, gave me permission to feel mine, and didn’t let either of those things ruin our moment.
When we come, it’s through a kiss that doesn’t end for hours. And when we journal about the experience, only one small part of it is about my hesitation. The takeaway lesson is that I’m just not fully ready yet. I need to trust myself a little more.
I love him for understanding. I love myself for picking such an incredible partner.