30. Gage
30
GAGE
I ’m sweating! Ridiculously. Swallowing words and acting like a shy boy. I feel weird about it, but not as weird as I would if I were doing it alone. Alexei is acting the same.
“What’s wrong with you?” he whispers at me with a hiss. “Stop acting so immature.”
“You’re doing the same thing!” I nudge him, trying to hide my flushed cheeks from Dave.
“No, I’m not!” Alexei glares at me, but his cheeks are just as flushed.
I’d like to say we’re blushing because these forge fires are so blistering and the room is hellishly hot because of them, but no. It’s all Dave. Dave, the forging instructor I teased my mom for having a crush on. Dave, the rugged and tattooed middle-aged man who makes weapons for a living. Dave, who has the darkest and most perfect rough stubble along his demonically chiselled jaw.
“I mean, who looks like that?” Alexei scoffs. “I can see his abs through his shirt. Why isn’t he wearing a protective apron?”
“I’m glad he isn’t,” I mutter, but Alexei hears it and gives me another smack. “What?! You’re gawking, too.”
“Not on purpose. He’s just all… there. Manly and… there.” He swallows. “God, Gage. Get your shit together.”
“I will when you do.” I watch my melting metals that are somehow going to turn into a cool hunting knife with Dave’s help. Oh, maybe I can feign ignorance to get a little extra attention.
“Excuse me, Dave?” Alexei calls. “Am I doing this right?”
Alexei bats his lashes—his mascara-coated lashes—at Dave. I’m about to smack him, but then Dave smiles. Smiles! Like one of those bad-boy smiles that make the ladies wet and the men hard. One of those panty-dropping ones that makes me wanna kneel and tell him to do whatever he wants to me. Oh my god. He’s coming right for us, muscular arms all tanned and sweaty, tinted a bit black from the soot that’s coming from who knows where?!
“It looks perfect, Alex,” Dave says, leaning over his shoulder. And I’m jealous. Not a malicious jealousy, just jealous that Alexei gets to be that close to Dave. “Keep going. It’s almost melted, and then we can start moulding and shaping it.”
Alexei’s lashes are still batting, and I’m pretty sure he leans his sweaty back against Dave’s sweaty chest. Gah!
“Dave?” I attempt to bat my own lashes, but a drop of sweat gets in there and I look like I’m trying to Morse Code him with my blinking. “How’s mine?”
Alexei glares for a sec, but when he sees all my lame blinking, he snorts and calls me pathetic. Don’t care. I’ll be pathetic because Dave is right up behind me now, and Alexei is watching, and his icy blue eyes are even icier.
“Great,” Dave says, patting me on the shoulder. “Another few minutes.”
I dreamily sigh, and then my head snaps to the other side of the room when Mom and all her forge friends laugh at us. I narrow my eyes at Mom, and she just shrugs like she’s proving her point, saying, ‘Well, now you get it.’ Yeah, I get it! I want to become a master metalsmith just to spend more time around Dave.
“Hey, Dave?” Nick asks from my right, acting way more chill than us. “You think you could help me pour this?” He licks his lips. When Dave walks over to him, putting his hands over Nick’s to help him pour, my flirty little brother grins at us, proving that he’s got more game than we do.
I’m about to tell Dave that Nick is seventeen, but Alexei smacks me again, and Nick is looking at me like I need reminding that he’ll be eighteen in a week. Ugh! Outplayed by my brother. When I look at Alexei, I no longer care. Because he’s mine, and no one has shit on the level of attraction I feel for my soulmate.
“Okay, new deal,” Alexei says, his lips to my ear. “We can be pathetic on forge nights and have a silly crush, but the rest of the time, we’re committed to our soulmateship.”
“No deal, complicated. I’m committed to our soulmateship even while we’re crushing on sexy Dave.”
When he bats his lashes at me, I melt from him instead of the forge fire.
After class, Mom goes out with her friends, the twins head to a buddy’s place, Owen has a date, and Alexei and I walk uptown to hit a meeting. I told him he didn’t have to come, but I’m secretly glad he wants to. Nathan isn’t coming tonight because he’s on a date I’m not allowed to tell Alexei about, so it’s just the two of us. It’s late, and Alexei is all about a healthy sleep routine, but he’s buzzing after the forge just like Mom does.
“Do you wish I was more manly like him?” he asks me as we approach the community centre.
“Fuck no.” I grab his hand, palms together. “You mean masculine?”
“Yeah, that.”
“Nah, you’re perfect just like this. Still can’t read your look, but I like it this way. You don’t fit a box. You’re grungy and moody and cute and sexy.”
“Never will,” he declares. “Dave’s a bit hairy for my taste.”
I bark out a laugh. “Then why were you drooling all over him?”
“Because he looks good in a t-shirt, Gage! But if he took it off and he had a hairy chest, I’d be a little less attracted to him.”
“Not a fan of hairy chests?” I lift a brow.
“Some hair is sexy. Never been into the bear type.”
Mm, I have. All types. But Alexei’s masculine, lean, somewhat scrawny body does it for me best. “What type am I?”
“You don’t fit a box either. You defy the boxes because you should be out of shape and unhealthy-looking, but you aren’t. Which means your body pisses me off, but it’s hard to stay mad at it when it’s so… mm.”
I smile and lean over, humming against his lips. “Mm,” I agree.
When we get to the meeting, we sit together and listen to everyone talk. When it’s my turn to share if I want to, I do so willingly. Telling them in a joking way that I’m dating my sponsor’s son like it’s a bad thing, but it’s not a bad thing. It’s the best thing. It’s just my instincts again, telling me to poke fun at something that makes me feel like I defied the rules. Alexei knows a lot of people here because he’s come with his dad before, and when the meeting ends, I end up standing by his side while he chats with Carla. She’s telling him about her grandmother passing away and leaving her everything she owns, and Alexei is invested because he loves old things.
“You know, Alexei is awesome at restoring antiques,” I tell Carla.
Alexei glares, but an hour later, they’re still chatting about it, and Alexei is taking jobs, and she’s telling him that she’ll spread his new business idea around if anyone needs any work done. Then we walk home, and he’s rambling about whether he should set up a new business or not, and I’m just smiling and listening because it makes me happy to see him so excited about something. So much of the focus has been on my recovery that it’s finally time to let him have the spotlight as he shifts into a potential new career.
God, it feels good not to be so selfish anymore.
Alexei couldn’t stand to smell like fire and brimstone after the forge, so he rushed into the mansion for a shower while I hung out on the front porch for a cigarette. He’s still overly excited about talking with Carla at the meeting, and I smiled the whole walk home, listening to him chat my ear off about the potential of old things.
But now I’m taking a breather, and not the kind of breather I normally need to take. I’m taking a horny breather. Because I’m… really fucking turned on. To see Alexei in his prime, animatedly going on about restoration, having him come to a meeting with me, and feeling his hand in mine on the walk home has my body lit up with need. So, instead of going in there to rush anything, I’m taking a minute to think and assess.
I’m thinking about Natalie. More specifically, something she said to me after a few sessions about my newfound fear of penetration. She doesn’t think I’m actually afraid of sex, but she does think I’ve attached an insane level of pressure to what penetrative sex means. When we got to the root of it, we discovered that I’m afraid of myself. I was an out-of-control sex addict who overindulged and fucked with no purpose other than to come, and I’m afraid of treating Alexei like that. That’s my fear. Not trusting myself to treat Alexei the way he deserves to be treated.
So, she told me to try watching myself, holding eye contact with myself during the act, at least as a way to keep tabs on my mind frame. When Alexei had me on my back, all I could see was his face, eyes, and expressions. Not my own. Right now, with my cock as hard as stone and a level of arousal I’m starting to get comfortable with, I feel… ready to try something new, and I’m unafraid if it doesn’t go the way I want it to. Alexei will understand.
I stamp out my smoke, walk inside, and climb the creaky stairs to the bathroom Alexei is showering in. He has one in his bedroom bathroom, but ever since he did the dark tile grout in the other one, he prefers to shower in there.
“Alexei?” I call, knocking my knuckles against the door. “Can I brush my teeth?”
“Come in!”
Steam hits me like a wall, the scent of his shampoo making the room smell of him. I grab my toothbrush and look in the mirror while I brush. My eyes are clear and focused, my shoulders are squared and relaxed, and my face isn’t etched with anything grotesque. I’m not a filthy sex monster, and it’s time I start giving myself some credit.
“Are you thinking about Dave?” he asks from behind the glass wall.
I no longer want this glass wall to separate us like it did before. “No. I’m thinking about you.”
“What about me?”
“About how you’re?—”
“Can’t hear you,” he shouts. “Might wanna come in here and say it to my naked body.”
Yeah, I might. I do. I am.
Pulling my shirt off, I throw it to the floor, a black and blue and orange pile of fabric beside the vanity. Looking through the glass, I watch Alexei’s body under the hot spray of the shower as I take my jeans off. Fuck, I want him. Differently than before. I give my cock a rub, letting the arousal build alongside my confidence. We’ve always run on instinct and the ability to read one another, so now it’s my turn to read him. Dropping my boxers, I step into the shower and lick my lips at the sight of his naked body.
Tall and lean, muscled but not overly defined, tattooed with secret codes, and with the fiercest blue eyes I’ve ever stared into, he’s a masterpiece. His eyes dip to my cock, and when they rise, they’re as lusty as I feel. Predatorily, I step towards him, letting the water hit my warm skin. Almost matched in height, our eyes stay connected as our bodies brush together, his cock hardening right alongside mine. Without a word, he grabs the back of my neck and pulls me in for a kiss, and I go willingly, pushing against him until his back hits the tile wall.
He groans, tongue brushing against mine in a hot kiss that sends shivers down to my toes. When I swipe my thumb over his nipple, he moans louder, his hips bucking against mine.
“Alexei,” I groan against his mouth, my hand moving up to wrap around his throat. “Hold on to my shoulders.”
I drop to a crouch, and his fingertips dig into my upper shoulders. I don’t hesitate to suck the head of his cock into my mouth, suctioning my cheeks to drag a hissed gasp from between his lips. When his blunt nails bite into my flesh, I suck him down further. I’ve never been one to focus on my partner, but I’ve learned to appreciate every reaction I can pull from Alexei. The way he holds his breath when something feels incredible, the sound he makes when he’s trying not to moan too loudly, and the sight and feel of all his muscles bunching in restraint and pleasure whenever he’s on the precipice of orgasm.
“Fuck, Gage. What are you doing to me?” he rasps, one hand moving to my hair.
I stroke him gently with one hand, looking up at his gorgeous face. “Are we still acting on instinct and the ability to read each other?” I ask.
“Always.”
Instead of second-guessing my instinct, I simply ask, “You bottom too, don’t you?”
Alexei grins down at me, his cheeks flushed pink and the water turning the rest of him a bit red. He nods, biting his lip.
“Is that a yes?”
“It’s a yes,” he agrees.
“I fucking want you, Alexei. I want to try something.”
He bends down, gripping my jaw tight. “I’m yours. I’m ready to try anything with you.” He presses his lips to mine as my arousal surges.
When he straightens, I spin him around and press on his lower back until he plants his hands on the wall and sticks his ass out. Spreading him open to expose his tight pink hole, I salivate, brimming with the need to please him. I lean forward, tonguing his hole like I’ve been desperate to since the last time I did. He shakes, and I clamp my hands onto his hips to keep him steady.
Ravenous, I can’t stop. When he moans, I lick him harder. When he begs, I fuck my tongue into him and spread him wide open.
“Gage,” he moans, and I slick my finger with spit, slowly sliding it inside him. “Oh, fuck.”
Yeah, oh fuck is right. Building him up and worshipping him is the most natural thing I’ve ever done, and it’s time I stop holding myself back and remember that during penetrative sex. It’s another way to worship him, and that’s all I’ve ever wanted to do.
I add a second finger, easing him open and replacing the stretch with more gentle licks. His cock ruts against the tiles, and his ass presses back against my face. With my fingers in his ass, I say, “I want to fuck you, Alexei. Right now.”
He nods, gulping air. “Yes.”
“Out there.”
He looks backwards at me, seeing my free hand point to the vanity. He nods, not even having to ask me why I want it out there, and shuts off the shower. When I stand, he pulls me against his body, and we trip and tumble our way out of the shower, unable to stop making out. His hands are everywhere, grabbing and groping, unsure where he wants to touch me but unwilling to lose contact, and all it does is build my confidence. Because he wants this as badly as I do, and he’s not going to tell me to be careful. He’s not going to say we don’t have to or that it’s okay if I change my mind. He’s going to let me lead because he trusts me as much as he trusts himself, and now it’s time for me to put the same faith in my control.
“Alexei,” I pant against his neck. “I need to watch myself.”
“In the mirror?” he asks, lips on my cheek.
“Yes.”
“Do it. I want you to see yourself how I see you.” With a final kiss, he spins and wipes a towel across the foggy mirror. When the picture of us reflects back, all flushed from the shower and brimming with sexual need, I take a moment to simply admire the way we look together. His blue-blond hair is even darker while wet, but his eyes are brighter, connected with mine. “See? Do you see how amazing we look together, Gage?”
Yes. I do. I see myself as a man in love, not a problem to be solved. I see confidence in myself instead of fear. I see the way he looks at me like he has all the faith in the world in me, and I see the way I look at him like he’s the light of my life. I see a beautiful man with a complicated mind and an easy disposition. God, I love him.
There is lube in the drawer from the last time we fooled around in here, and Alexei pulls it out. Pouring some onto his fingers, he bends over and fingers himself right in front of me. My hand lands on my cock, anticipating that lube coating me as I push inside him. I keep my eyes on his fingers, the sound of the lube making me breathe even heavier.
“Fuck, complicated. Look at you.” I smooth my hand over his hip and down his ass.
“Look at you,” he retorts. “Look at the way you look at me, Gage.”
My eyes flash to the mirror, and it’s there, in my gaze and the part of my lips, the adoration and attraction I have for Alexei. The trust and comfort that goes with it. The ability to be myself, unsure if I’m going to fuck this up or not, but still go through with it.
“So fucking sexy, Alexei.” I take the lube from him, coat my cock, and remove his hand. “You sure my instincts are right?” I smirk at him in the mirror. “You bottom?”
Alexei grins back, wiggling his ass in front of me. “Your instincts haven’t failed you yet. Not when it comes to me.”
He’s right, and that’s the confidence boost I need. I grab his wrists and plant his hands on the counter, skimming my fingers all the way up his arms and then down his back until I get to his hips. With my lip between my teeth, I step forward, nudging my cock against his hole.
There is no fear, only want.
He smiles at me, eyes hooded and jaw slack. He bends forward a little more, and I look down, watching the head of my cock disappear inside him. My abs tauten as his rim tightens around me, squeezing my cockhead so hard I pause just to hold myself together.
“Good?”
He pants. “Good. Keep going.”
I rock into him slowly until he relaxes, gaining me another easy inch. It’s been forever since I’ve done this, but all my nerve endings are coming alive, my body is turning hot, and my eyes flash to the mirror as I push in deeper.
No strain. No fear. Just want.
“Oh my god,” Alexei moans.
I thrust the rest of the way in, and he buckles forward. My hands keep him upright, and when I meet his face in the mirror, he nods at me with pure pleasure on his face. Alexei is a bossy person, but he’s not going to boss me around yet. With my eyes on myself, I start to fuck him slowly. My hips move, the glide of my cock in his tight hole and the way my fingers dig into his skin all adding to the build-up of getting here. As I move, getting used to the way he feels and allowing him time to adjust to me, I watch myself. And what I see isn’t what I expected.
There’s no strain, no greed, no selfish thoughts. My face isn’t impatient, my mind isn’t fast, and my hips aren’t chasing an orgasm I haven’t earned yet. I’m not a monster. I’m not a selfish lover.
“I trust you, Gage,” Alexei says, making me look at him. “Do you trust yourself?”
I inhale hard and exhale shakily. “Yeah,” I admit quietly. “I do.”
He folds forward when I thrust into him harder, his breath music to my ears. When he starts rocking back against me, my eyes drift from the mirror to look down at where we’re connected.
“Shit,” I groan. “I shouldn’t have looked.”
Alexei laughs. “Keep looking.”
I can’t. Holy fuck. Because the sight of my cock thrusting in and out of his tight ass is more than my mental state can bear. It’s the hottest thing I’ve seen in so long, his smooth hole, my thick cock, and the way he tightens all around me. God forbid I pull out and see a gape. I’ll lose it if I do that.
“I’ll come,” I warn him, looking at him in the mirror instead.
His hand reaches around to grip his cock. “Then come. I’m right here with you. My god you feel good inside me.”
It’s been like a minute and a half, but fuck it. With our eyes connected, I fuck him faster until I have to clench every part of my body to hold off until he comes.
“Oh fuck. Oh fuck,” he moans. “Gage, oh my god!” His ass clamps down, and I’m a goner.
My balls draw up as his cum hits the vanity, the spasm of his hole milking me and embarrassing me all at once. Because my orgasm hits and there’s nothing I can do about it. “I can usually last longer! Fuck, sorry!” I rest my forehead against his shoulders. “Shit, I’m sorry. I can do better.” I shake all over, blissful little shivers that make my nape prickle and my mind go drunkenly dumb. But holy hell does this feel good.
The orgasm, yeah, but the pride more than anything.
“I’m a sixty-second man, but at least I didn’t get selfish, right?”
Alexei laughs, righting himself and leaning back to kiss my cheek. “If you’re a sixty-second man, then so am I.” He points to his cum.
Well, he had a build-up. His dick was sucked and his ass was eaten and fingered, but I appreciate him not pointing that out. My pride is full, so let’s leave it at that. “That was hot, even though it was also embarrassing for me. I promise I’ll get better at this.”
He’s smiling when he pushes me back, my cock slipping out. He spins and wraps his fingers around the side of my neck. “Save the commentary for the journal and just kiss me right now. I’m so fucking happy.”
Smiling because I can’t help it, I kiss him. I don’t know when or how, but sex will get better. We’ve got everything else going for us, and I know this will be something we’re eventually amazing at, too.
Because I’m starting to trust myself. Fuck, that feels good.