Chapter 12 River
RIVER
River tried to clear his head as they examined trees with the kids.
What’s happening between us?
Somehow, he managed to keep his eye on the prize and focus on the kids for now.
“You’re right. This one is really nice,” he told John-John. “Did you check the back?”
When they circled around, the back had a big dry spot, so the kids decided to move on.
“What about this one?” Pixie asked a few minutes later.
“It’s beautiful,” Nora said.
“Let’s check the size,” River said, knowing already that it was very small. He didn’t even need to hold his arm up next to it, since the tree barely came to his chest. The kids themselves were so tiny that he figured all the trees probably looked big to them.
“Bigger,” John-John yelled out.
“Yes, we want a bigger one,” Pixie agreed, nodding with a smile.
They trooped on, stopping for John-John to make a snowball and throw it in the air, then chuckle when it thumped down to the ground.
The fresh layer of delicate snow made the older layer that was already covering the farm look bright and cheerful again.
Like me, River thought to himself. This day is remaking me too.
Now that he was home, he tried his best to keep his focus on the present and the future. But his time away had changed him. With all he had seen, that was inevitable.
The more time River spent with Nora and the kids, though, the more he felt like himself. He would never be the man he had been before he went away. But the puzzle pieces of the past and the present were slipping into place side-by-side more often than not these last few days.
I need a purpose, he realized. I thought the farm would be enough, but it’s not the same on my own.
Acting as protector of Nora and her brood satisfied the need for vigilance he hadn’t known what to do with since getting home. When he spent his days keeping the kids safe and happy, it was easier to sleep at night, even in the rickety old cottage.
And today he was finding it easier to be out in the world, even making small talk with people from his past.
“This one?” Pixie asked.
“Oh, wow,” Nora said.
“That’s a good one, Pix,” John-John said approvingly.
River came up to look. It really was a great tree—green and bright all around, and when he stretched his arm up, it was just the right height.
“This is an excellent choice, Pixie,” he told her.
The little girl nodded once as she looked up at him, her face dead serious, as if she felt too proud to smile.
“Okay, should we cut it down and bring it home?” he asked.
“Yes,” John-John said.
“Yes, please,” Nora added.
“Yay,” Pixie exploded, a big smile escaping from her little face after all.
He crouched down and began to saw, but as soon as he did, there was a frantic rustling in the tree.
“What’s that?” John-John wailed.
But there was barely time for River to move out of the way, and no time to answer, as a gray squirrel came rocketing out of the tree, making a mad dash up the hill, and disappearing into another tree.
Pixie screamed, and the bright sound echoed off the hillside.
“It’s okay,” Nora told the kids. “There are lots of animals out here. It’s part of being out in the country.”
“I don’t like animals in my tree,” John-John whispered, looking terrified.
“You picked a really good one,” River said moving back. “It’s such a good one that Mr. Squirrel picked it too. Should I move the branches around a little, and make sure no one else is in there?”
Pixie nodded slowly.
“Knock knock,” River called out in a funny voice as he wiggled one of the branches. “Anyone home?”
Pixie’s worried expression broke into a smile.
“Helloooooo,” River said, making a real show of marching around the tree and really fussing with the branches. “Come on out. Don’t be shy.”
Both kids were cracking up now, and when he came back out on their side of the tree, River saw that Nora was smiling too, a touch of color in her cheeks and the cold breeze lifting her hair.
She was so beautiful. Maybe even more so because he felt some part in the happiness that was on her face today. She seemed a world away from the worried woman who had opened the door the night he’d come to get her little family.
Prettier than the first time I saw her…
But that didn’t bear thinking about. He had a tree to cut, after all.
“Okay,” he said. “I think we’ve got a nice, empty tree now. Should I work on getting it down?”
Everyone agreed, and he had another opportunity to show the kids how to do something.
It was amazing to him how well Pixie listened.
She seemed as interested in how to safely use a bow saw as she was in anything else they had done.
And she did a great job tamping down her curiosity and keeping her little brother safe when River asked them to step back for the final part of the cutting.
She’s smart, he thought to himself, as he brought the tree down safely. And John-John is such a good boy. They’re lucky to have each other.
It occurred to him that without Nora, the two might have wound up in the system, maybe even separated. The idea made his heart feel like it was being twisted inside his chest.
Once the tree was down, the rest of their time at the farm passed quickly. Jacob came by to grab the tree, and they watched as he put it in a shaker and the loose needles flew off, to the children’s delight.
Next, he used a baler to wrap the tree in a thin net and tied a tag around the trunk. Thankfully, it was color-coded so that Nora wouldn’t have to see a price.
River knew that she didn’t really need his help, and he was honestly impressed at how independent she had been up until now, but it only made him want to take care of her even more. She deserved a break now and then. No one should have to take on so much at such a sad time.
The bumpy trip down the hillside went much better than the trip up had, with everyone laughing and making bumpity noises.
River paid for their tree, and put his change and a few extra bills in the collection box for a local food bank. When he turned back to the others, he noticed that John-John was talking excitedly to Nora and Pixie, pointing at the counter.
“What’s up?” River asked.
“Go on,” Nora told the kids, handing them each a few coins.
“Farmer Bear puts coins in a bin to help other bears,” John-John told River excitedly. “We’re going to put coins in a bin too.”
River smiled and watched the kids stretching as they tried to reach the collection box. After a few seconds, he offered to help.
Pixie stepped back so that he could lift John-John up first.
John-John’s face was a study in reverence as he opened his chubby little hand to release the coins into the box.
“That’s very generous,” Jacob said to him. “The money in there goes to help people who don’t have enough food this Christmas.”
“They don’t have food?” John-John asked worriedly.
“They will now,” Jacob told him. “Don’t you worry. That’s why everyone pitches in a little, to take care of each other.”
John-John seemed satisfied with that answer. When River put him down onto the snowy ground again, he dashed off to tell Nora all about it.
Pixie ran right up to River and put her arms up.
He lifted her slight frame and watched as she put all her coins in the box.
“I hope they get lots of food,” she said softly.
River swallowed over the sudden lump in his throat as he placed her down.
“That was very nice,” Nora told Pixie. “I’m glad you two spotted it.”
“River put a whole bunch of money in there,” John-John reported. “That’s how I noticed it.”
“Just my change from the tree,” River said, suddenly feeling almost embarrassed, though he wasn’t sure why.
He snuck a look at Nora and could tell by her smile that she had seen him and knew better.
“I think it’s lovely,” she told him, without calling him out. “Just like I was saying to the kids, the world is a better place when we all look out for each other.”
They were all tired and content from their adventure at the farm, so the ride home was quiet. The kids were half-drowsing in the back as Nora gazed out the window with such a peaceful expression on her face.
River felt a bone-deep happiness paired with an impossible longing.
What am I supposed to do when they leave?
When they got home, everyone was excited to put up the tree, but River couldn’t stop thinking about how good it felt to have them in his home, and how empty the place was going to feel when they left.
Still, he carried on, knowing he was being ridiculous. He couldn’t fall in love with his brother’s ex-wife. And he couldn’t let himself fall for these children.
What the three of them needed was a good friend, and he was determined to be that for them, and not allow himself to blur the lines.
They got the tree set up in the old stand that Aggie had left in the attic, and then prepared and ate a nice dinner while the tree relaxed back into shape.
Tonight, the kids wanted him there for story time, so he went up with everyone and sat on the edge of the bed to read them ‘Twas the Night Before Christmas. As usual, John-John was drifting off before the story was over.
River kissed Pixie’s forehead when it was done, and left her to snuggle with her aunt for a minute.
Pull it together, he told himself as he started the kettle downstairs.
He knew he should probably just have an early night, and avoid this time alone with Nora when he might be tempted to beg her for things she couldn’t give him.
But instead of heading back to his cottage for bed, he set out two mugs and placed the teabags in them. As he was pouring the hot water, he heard her soft tread on the steps.
He turned and there she was, looking sleepy and lovely, a faint smile on her face, content from a day well-spent.
“Hi,” he said, feeling like an idiot the moment the word left his mouth.
“Hi,” she replied, her smile growing.
They moved to the table once again, and he placed a mug in front of her before sitting across from her, wishing he could curl up on the bench with her instead, pull her into his arms…
“This has been wonderful, River,” she said softly, her eyes on her mug as her delicate fingers toyed with the string of the teabag. “It’s so good to see them happy.”
River nodded, his heart aching all over again for the children. Somehow, they managed to live in the present, if only for each other.
If they can do it, I can do it too.
“I’m having fun too,” Nora admitted after a moment, glancing up at him, her dimples popping as she smiled.
“I’ve never been this happy,” he heard himself tell her, his voice husky.
Her eyes widened slightly, and he braced himself for her to warn him off.
Instead, he heard a cell phone buzzing.
“Oh,” she said, sliding her phone from her pocket. “Wow, it’s my friend, Leslie. I should take it.”
He nodded to her, and she smiled a different kind of smile. He didn’t want to read her expression as relief, but it was hard not to see it that way.
Stop trying to make this into something it isn’t, he begged himself inwardly. She needs a friend, not a lovesick schoolboy.
River had honed his discipline in the Army. He could march for miles, going without sleep and food. He had trained himself to ignore his own fears and needs, and use his body as a tool to protect others.
But this was different. Nora and the kids had slipped past his defenses and found their way into his soul somehow.
How can I fight my own heart?