Chapter 27
27
Margot
H ours blurred into days, and days blurred into weeks. Margot had long since stopped keeping track of the amount of time she’d spent at the facility. She’d managed to make a friend, which had helped to keep her mind off Liam for the most part.
The more time she spent in Courtney’s company, the more she came to notice and accept the things that triggered her. She still couldn’t bring herself to share in group. Most of her conversations and epiphanies were shared with only one person—her new friend.
“Do you really think your father will cut you off if you try to see him again?” Courtney picked at her meal and glanced up at Margot, who had managed to finish half of hers before she couldn’t bring herself to eat another bite.
“I don’t know. Honestly, it could go either way. My dad wanted to get rid of my horse, but she didn’t have anything to do with my erratic behavior.”
“Well, neither did Liam.”
Margot smiled. Courtney was nothing if not a cheerleader. She could put things into perspective effortlessly, and Margot got the distinct feeling that she didn’t even know she was doing it. “I don’t think my father sees it that way. After I got back to town, Liam was the one who got the brunt of his frustration.” Sadness swept over her like being doused in cold water. “And I didn’t do enough to correct it with my dad.”
“But he knows now, right? You told him?”
“I think he understands to a degree. Honestly, I don’t think he would trust anyone. Liam was probably the best guy I could have dated, and somehow, I messed that whole thing up.”
“So, what are you going to do when you get out of here?”
“What do you mean?” Margot picked up her fork and pushed around some of the carrots in her vegetable medley. “I don’t think there is anything I can do except go back home. I don’t have a job or a place to live.”
“I mean with Liam.” Courtney gave her a small smile. “I can tell that he still means a lot to you. He’s the only person you still talk about every single day—besides your mother.”
A twinge of pain shot through Margot with Courtney’s statement. The relationship she shared with her father had been strained at best. She loved him and respected him, though she had a hard time showing it. He was hard on her, but that was the only way he knew how to show her he cared. She could see that now. “I don’t know,” Margot murmured softly.
“I think you need to see him again.”
“Who? Liam?” She shook her head. “Oh, I don’t think that would be a good idea. Not with the way I left things.”
“But you’re getting better. Every day you’re starting to see what you can do to improve. And I bet Liam is the kind of guy to understand.”
He definitely would show compassion and understanding if she gave him the whole story. But she wasn’t sure she wanted that sort of relationship. They’d been good together in the beginning—until she’d used his compassion against him. She’d known he wouldn’t push her to do things she didn’t want to do. “But what if I fall back down into this pit? I don’t know if he’d be able to help me out.”
“You never know until it actually happens.” Courtney put her fork down and pushed her tray away. She rested her folded arms on the table and leaned forward. “The fact is, he didn’t know what he was dealing with. You tell me, since you know him better. If you had told him from the beginning what you deal with when you get sick, then do you think he would have let it get that far?”
Margot found herself hating this conversation now. She still didn’t like being put on the spot and being shown where she’d gone wrong in the first place because she already knew all the answers. Of course, Liam would have done everything in his power to make sure she wasn’t failing. He would have pushed her, helped her.
But then again, if she really pushed back, could she be certain he would understand she needed a firmer hand?
Her face flushed, and she dropped her eyes to her hands. “I don’t know.”
“Don’t you? From everything you’ve told me, he’s one of the good ones. Even if he didn’t want to make you upset, he still knew how to help you with the tools he had.”
“Yeah, you’re probably right.”
“Right? This Liam guy seems like Prince Charming. He seems like he might actually possess an unlimited amount of understanding. Why wouldn’t you want to just try it out?”
“Because I love him.” Margot had blurted the words out without realizing that was what she’d say. Of course Courtney probably already knew it, though Margot had never said those words specifically. Maybe this was Margot’s way of telling herself that she needed to be sure this was what she wanted.
“And why is that a problem?”
She finally looked up at Courtney. “I love him too much to let him get hurt.”
“You don’t know that you would hurt him.”
“I don’t know that I wouldn’t,” she countered. She settled back in her seat and groaned, covering her face with her hands. “Whenever I get close to deciding that I want to win him back, I get terrified that I’m going to mess everything up. I would never forgive myself if I really hurt him.” It was like her mother had done to her father. He’d dealt with mental illness in both his wife and his daughter. Her father was the strongest man she knew, and he could put down all kinds of barriers in order to keep his family safe.
The scariest part of going back home was knowing she’d see Liam around town and wondering what she’d do. What would he do? Would he try to win her back without realizing the weight of the baggage she carried around on her shoulders?
“Isn’t that something that you should let Liam decide?”
Her head perked up and she stared at Courtney, trying to figure out what her friend was referring to.
“Deciding if he’s strong enough to love you back,” Courtney clarified. “It shouldn’t be just up to you. A relationship is between two people. You’ve gone through the program. You know how they talk about our support system. If Liam wants to be part of that, shouldn’t you give him a chance?”
Margot’s stomach knotted and her heart fluttered at the thought of how that conversation might go down. Liam wasn’t the only one to consider. Her father seemed to hate Liam. And Caleb seemed to hate her. Even when he’d dropped her off at her father’s place, he had been quietly judging her. She could sense it.
But he had done one thing that had surprised her. He’d promised her that he wouldn’t let anything happen to Prada while she was gone.
“Yeah, you’re probably right. But I can’t put any of that into motion until I’m ready. I’m not na?ve enough to believe that I’m fully healed.”
“No one is going to be fully healed when they leave,” Courtney said. “And you’re probably just as ready as the rest of them that are on their way out.”
Margot huffed. “I doubt that.”
“Think about it. Just because you haven’t shared in group, doesn’t mean you haven’t come a long way. You’re teaching that class. You haven’t missed any of your therapy sessions. You’re being realistic about your future. What more are they going to ask of you?”
“You said it yourself. I’m not sharing in group. And on top of that, I can’t bring myself to call him—to tell him I’m sorry. That’s part of this, right? We need to fix our relationships with those we wronged.”
Courtney shrugged. “I think you’re putting too much weight into what it looks like to be healed from the outside. If I had to guess, I’d say you’re just scared.”
She didn’t mean to, but Margot let out a quiet laugh. “What?”
“You heard me. You’re scared. When you’re here, you have people keeping an eye on you. They’ll force you to do something when you don’t want to, and you’re pushing back. You literally have safety nets surrounding you if you suddenly fall. But you haven’t had a slip-up in at least a month. I’m honestly surprised that they haven’t sent you home already.”
Out of nowhere, Margot felt the anxiety return. It was like someone hit her over the head with a mallet. Along with the anxiety came an irrational and dizzying sense of terror. Maybe Courtney was right. It wasn’t that she was scared to return home. She was scared of failing again. She was terrified that if she went home and had a slip-up, she’d end up sliding down a slope that got steeper and steeper until she ended right back here. To fail again would be devastating.
“Well,” she said and swallowed hard, “if I’m so scared to go home, then isn’t it a good thing that I stay?”
“No.”
She laughed again, but this one was strained and didn’t quite sound like herself. “Why not?”
“Fear can be healthy. It can be the thing that grounds us. I know that being scared to mess up again has helped keep me on the right path for a good long while. It’s what you do after you lose that healthy sense of fear that matters. You know what I think you need to do? After lunch, we need to go into group. You need to share what you’ve been dealing with, and you need to accept that your story deserves a happy ending.”
Courtney didn’t bat an eye as she said it. There were no smiles or goofy chuckles. She was being one hundred percent serious about her opinion.
Warmth washed over Margot, followed immediately by goosebumps. She didn’t know what it was exactly, but she got the sense that someone or something was there with her in that room telling her to go for it. She wasn’t going to progress without a little bit of discomfort.
“And you know what else? You should call Liam and tell him that he should pay you a visit so the two of you can figure out if you want to be together. There’s no place safer to do something like that. What’s the worst that could happen? He refuses?”
“Yeah, that sounds pretty bad,” Margot said while making a face at the thought.
“Then at least you’ll know where you stand when you get out.” Courtney was making a lot of sense, but that wasn’t uncommon.
“And what about you? Seems you got this all figured out. When are you going to break free of your safety nets?”
A slow smile stretched across Courtney’s face. “I actually got the sign-off yesterday. I have one more week and then I’m out.”
Margot gasped. “Courtney! That’s great! I’m so happy for you.”
Courtney reached across the table and took Margot’s hands. “I don’t want you to be here without someone to support you. So, if the thing with Liam doesn’t work out, I’m going to visit as much as I can.”
Tears sprang into Margot’s eyes. “Thank you, Courtney.”
“Now, go make that phone call. Group is going to start in twenty minutes, and I expect to hear everything you’ve learned so far. Maybe you’ll get lucky and they’ll let you out after one share?”
“I doubt that. You know the rules. Five shares minimum.”
“Well, you’ve shared plenty with me. Maybe we need to get a notary in here. Or maybe I just need to team up with Liam and spring you out of here like they do in the prisons.”
Margot laughed. “I think I’ll get out the old-fashioned way, thank you very much.”