Chapter 13
13
Ash
A sh had nearly lost control.
Again.
He put a hand on his lower back as he paced a few steps and shook his head.
Who was he kidding? He’d definitely lost it. He’d showed his hand. He’d tempted fate first at the family picnic, then again here. There was so much wrong with how everything was playing out.
Charlie was right about one thing. He needed to figure out what he wanted and what he was willing to do in order to get it.
He went over what had just occurred, and he could pinpoint the exact moment he’d let his walls crumble. She’d brought up his girlfriend, not once, but twice. Just the mere mention of it was like a slap in the face.
Charlie had essentially called him a cheater. And if he actually did have a girl somewhere, then she would have been right. He’d never be so crass as to do that to anyone—least of all Charlie. His lies were muddying everything up.
He glanced at the door where Charlie had disappeared. Would she have allowed him to kiss her if she didn’t think there was someone else? He’d wanted to. More than he wanted anything, he wanted to explore her lips with his own—just to see if what he remembered, what he craved, was still there between them.
Deep inside, he knew it was. He knew that it wasn’t a fluke he felt this way about her.
Now he had a bigger problem.
Since he’d told her he wanted her, that she tempted him, there was no way she’d believe he could be trusted.
He muttered a curse just as Daniel entered the barn. He glanced over his shoulder—presumably where he could see Charlie, then he swung his gaze over to Ash and his brows furrowed. “What’s wrong?”
Ash shook his head, waving a hand. “Nothing.”
“Did she say something to you?”
Ash stopped still and stared at Daniel.
“Because I can talk to her if you want me to.”
“What makes you think I’m bothered by anything she has to say?” The words exploded from him in tight breaths. “I could care less what she thinks.”
Daniel shrugged, leaning against one of the empty stall doors. “You’ve been a little… off… lately.”
Ash huffed. “I’m fine.”
“Is it your girlfriend?”
Once again, Ash stiffened. His blood ran cold. So Daniel had noticed that bit. He’d heard the way Charlie had talked about his girlfriend like it would be enough to set him off. This could be his chance to ease out of that lie—at least with Daniel. It was as if the world had offered him an olive branch. “Things aren’t great.” It was all he could think of to say. It wasn’t one hundred percent incorrect, either.
Daniel offered a look of support. “I’m sorry, man.” Then his mouth set in a firm line. “I’ll talk to her.”
“No!” Ash blurted.
His friend remained grim but nodded. “If you ever want to talk about it…” He raised his hands with a shrug. “I’m here.”
“Thanks,” Ash murmured. It was nice to know that he had someone who would be up for that sort of thing—only it wouldn’t help him at all if he did miraculously find a way to win Charlie over.
Another nod.
They didn’t finish their lasso practice, and that was just fine with Ash. He wasn’t sure he wanted to be around when her other brothers came in for dinner. He didn’t want to risk being invited to that meal and have to be in the same room as her until he could figure out a way to get his feelings across.
He was going to take what she said to heart—weigh the pros and cons of the options he had in front of him and decide.
Smoke made it hard to see what was right in front of him. Embers and ash floated through the sky like snow falling down around him and his crew. These were the men he could count on to watch his back, to make sure he didn’t make a mistake.
But they weren’t exactly the guys he could talk to about his romantic issues. Most of them were married. At twenty-eight, he was one of few he knew who didn’t have either a girlfriend or was married with at least one kid. In other parts of the country, getting married before twenty-five was unheard of. But in this part of Colorado, he was the anomaly.
They fought the fire together as one unit, pressing in on it, forcing it to retreat.
And every step he took, his thoughts were consumed with Charlie.
She was like a wildfire in his head, his chest, his whole body. She consumed his every waking moment, fed his every desire. Whether she was smiling at him or glaring at him, he still adored her. Her words could be a balm or cut like a knife, and he’d still want to go back for more.
There was no rhyme or reason to why he couldn’t get her out of his head, and at this point, he knew he didn’t want to. It would be like cutting off a piece of himself. She belonged with him, and he wanted no one else.
Something cracked loudly, a branch overhead. Ash caught sight of the large overhanging piece of wood, then dropped his gaze to Chuck at his side. He hollered at the man, then charged at him, knocking him out of the way just as the branch crashed to the ground.
Chuck was momentarily stunned, then Tad joined them and helped Ash to his feet. Ash held out his hand to Chuck, who grabbed it with a sharp nod of thanks.
It wasn’t until after they again set to work pushing the licking flames back that Ash realized just how fast his heart was beating. It wasn’t erratic in the same way that Charlie affected him. No, this was adrenaline fueled… and it mingled with something else.
Fear.
He glanced at Chuck a couple more times in the first twenty minutes after he’d tackled him to the ground. The man had two kids. He’d just had his thirtieth birthday a month ago. The branch might not have killed him, but it would have injured him. Had it been a larger tree, he would have been hospitalized.
Life was so short. In the blink of an eye, the man could have left his children fatherless.
Ash shook off the unsettled feeling that rose in his chest at that thought. He’d given it six years. Six years ! Seventy-two months of telling himself that she wasn’t meant for him and he’d made a mistake. All that time, he’d really tried to forget about Charlie, but it always came back to her.
Just her.
If he were to die today, in this fire, she would never know how he truly felt—how he’d never managed to find anyone to compare to her. He wanted her to know, needed her to.
Not only that, but he needed to clarify that he never had a girlfriend, and the only reason he’d mentioned one was to avoid being set up by her brothers. Ash didn’t know if any of that would make a difference, but he knew he had to try. He had to say something, or he’d regret it.
The fire continued to roar around them. They’d make progress and then have to step back when the flames were too hot. The work took longer than he’d expected, but that was what happened when old, dead trees were caught up in the fire.
Onward and onward they pushed into the fire. By the end of it, they were all exhausted, overheated, and looked like they’d walked through the devil’s house and come out on the other side.
A helicopter picked them up in the middle of a burned field. He and three other men were the last to be lifted from the scene.
No one spoke on the helicopter. They all sat back with their helmets in their hands and rested. Today was a hard day. It was one of those days that made a man reconsider what the heck he was trying to do with his life.
Fires like the one today only caused burnout.
He turned his head and stared down at the ruined landscape. By this time next year, new plants would start to grow, but it would take years upon years for it to return to the beautiful forest it once was.
Death. That’s what he saw down there. It hit him harder today for some reason. All of Charlie’s complaints about being a firefighter floated through his mind. It was too dangerous. His life was worth more than the adrenaline rush he got from jumping into the fray.
Ash glanced over to Chuck, noting his smooth features. He could be asleep for all Ash knew. But he was fine. He’d be sore in the morning after their tumble. But he’d live.
Had Ash not been there… he didn’t even want to think about what would have happened. That was the reason he kept going. To save the lives of the men he worked with. To save the lives of those who couldn’t put out these fires.
It wasn’t about glory. Heck, it wasn’t even about the adrenaline rush of jumping out of those planes so he could fight the fire from the right angle.
He loved his job because he was doing a little bit of good in a world that needed it.
Ash closed his eyes, and Charlie’s face flooded his vision. He loved her, too. And he was going to tell her that. She might not be willing to accept it. She might not even be interested in him at all, but he could be patient.
Six years of waiting had taught him that. If he had to wait another six years, he’d do it. But hopefully it wouldn’t come to that.
A small smile tugged at his lips as he imagined the possibilities—a future with her. Someone who loved with her whole heart, who could cook like a five-star chef, who could ride like a wild woman, and who didn’t even know the power she held.
After a shower, Ash tossed his phone onto the dresser, not caring that it slid and toppled to the ground. He practically fell into bed. The fire had lasted a couple days. He’d gone back and forth between the station and the fire itself until they’d deemed it mostly contained. He wouldn’t be surprised if he slept for two whole days after the ordeal.
Pulling up his covers, he closed his eyes and drifted to sleep.