17. Dylan
17
DYLAN
B erlin was dark and cloudy, and I realized it matched my mood. Which was strange, in a way. I was the one who’d asked Brad to be friends with benefits, and he agreed. This was what was better for the both of us, right? There wasn’t anything more going on. We were friends who slept together a couple of times now. I’d just solidified the terms, but Brad had made his own intentions clear, too.
In the thick of it, I was thankful for not having to sit next to him on the plane. I didn’t know what to say, or if I should have even said anything. Charlie and I talked about dragon types on the plane, which helped cheer me up a little, but as soon as we headed for the next hotel, I felt the clawing gnarled fingers of sadness digging their way into my brain.
Naturally, Brad and I were sharing a room again. It was only for the one night, though, as we’d camp on the festival grounds the rest of the time in Germany. So it wasn’t the worst thing in the world, even if part of me didn’t know if I even wanted to see him.
It wasn’t the conversation or our agreement. I just wasn’t sure I wanted to see anyone.
“Dylan? You coming with us, dude?” Theo asked with his trademark grin.
What was it like to be like Theo? To look at everything with a smile, to know life would be so easy and nice. He drifted through life with this charming, effortless grace, and I wondered for a moment what he’d do if he was in my shoes.
“Hm…think I’m sitting this one out.” I shrugged, drumming a pattern on my thighs as we stood in the lobby. I was getting anxious for a little alone time since I knew I wouldn’t get it once we were on the grounds tomorrow. When I was in one of these moods, it wouldn’t help to bother interrupting anyone’s good time.
“Alright, man. Charlie’s sitting it out too. He said he needed a bath and silence.” Theo laughed.
My lips tugged in a way that I hoped somewhat resembled a smile. “Some people.”
I walked off, grabbing my luggage to take to the room. A new country, a new city.
Against my better judgment, my thoughts wandered. Was Frankie here? Had he ever been? He’d always been so tightly wound, but he’d seemed to move through life as easily as Theo when I was younger. Now that I looked back, that wasn’t the case. I hoped Theo was as easygoing as he seemed. I knew nothing to the contrary, but we all had our secrets.
“You feeling okay?” Brad asked as he came into the room.
I blinked. I was just standing there, still clinging to my luggage. The room was standard, just simple white walls and nondescript paintings on the wall. The bedding was an off-shade of cream, and ugly blue carpet covered the ground. Shane would hate it. “Just getting a feel for the air, you know?” It was an attempt at a joke, but my voice didn’t say so.
Brad tossed his things down and laughed. Always laughing. “Okay, man. You know you can talk to me if you need to.”
Could I? Most of the time it went without saying. Things seemed to have shifted, though, and it was all just falling away from me every time I tried to grasp it.
I didn’t know if I had words for how I felt at the moment, for the strange string of thoughts that flowed through my mind. “Yeah, totally. I’m alright though.” The lie was easy. It was one I’d told countless times before.
At this point, I didn’t know if it was a lie or if I was just getting used to this being normal. Was Brad going to think this was about him?
“You want me to stay and keep you company?”
I shook my head and moved, tossing down my bag and kicking off my shoes. “Don’t let me ruin your good time. Go…I need to chill…maybe think up cool drumbeats.” I tapped the bed. Another joke, but I didn’t know sometimes if people noticed or just thought it was another weird trait. Maybe just weird humor.
Brad nodded and walked to the bathroom to change. I kicked off my jeans, leaving me in just my black t-shirt and boxer briefs, and slipped into the covers. I didn’t plan on moving for the next 12 hours if I could help it. Not until Shane or Brad came in and begged me to.
When the door opened again, Brad had changed from his comfortable traveling clothes to tight light wash jeans and a white shirt that showed off his muscular chest and arms. He’d styled his hair, swept it back from his forehead, and I could smell his cologne. My palms felt sweaty. Shit, he was hot.
He looked over at me. “Sad or sick?” he asked, frowning.
Sometimes I forgot he knew me so well. Sometimes he blew my mind with just how handsome he was. Both at the same time. “Tired. You look good.”
“Don’t worry, pumpkin, I won’t have too much fun. How could I if you’re not coming with?” There was a grin on his face.
My lips twitched, and I nodded. That felt more normal. “Okay, okay. Don’t do anything I wouldn’t, right?”
“Last chance…sure you don’t want to check out the weird club Shane is going to pick? Maybe it’ll be interesting? Maybe there will be a live drummer and everything?”
“No dice. Go on, I’ll be here sleeping when you get back.”
He was quiet for a moment, and then he just nodded and turned around to leave. I watched as he walked out the door, a sense of further sadness falling over me. I didn’t want him to stick around, but part of me still wanted him to. Or at least to want to.
If I’d been back home, this would have been a time to drag out my skateboard and go forget things for a while, but I needed to think about packing space. Frankie was the one who taught me how to skate initially, about not falling or how to kick the board into my hand. It seemed like the coolest thing at the time, but now it was nothing.
Kind of a shame how things became such routine. Where was the kid that was amazed at every little thing? Did he leave with Frankie and I didn’t realize it?