Chapter Fifty-Five
January 7, 2023
Dear Jensen,
Sorry, I know this letter is late. I try to always write them by the fourth of each month, but I struggled to write this one. I keep staring at the blank page; I pick up the pen, then my hand starts to tremble…probably because I have very little to say, especially to you it seems.
I keep jumping between hurt and furious, with some betrayal in the mix. Then I remind myself that you owe me nothing, but I’m not sure that’s even true. You owe me something, something more than a kiss goodbye at the airport that I’m now terrified was a kiss ‘goodbye forever’ instead of ‘until next time.’ Even writing this damn letter has me sobbing, because this is the first time I’m even acknowledging the fact that you may not choose us. That we won’t work out in the end and I am just a silly girl who reads way too many romance novels.
The writer in me craves a better ending than this. I always have. That’s why it only took one text message…one silly pet name popping up across my phone ten years after you first left for me to drop everything and run to you. One fucking text and here I am in tears still wondering why. Why do you choose to do this to me? You make me need you, then you disappear again as if you’re some sort of ghost…like you’re never fully present.
It’s infuriating to be so helplessly in love with you, because no matter how much you hurt me, betray my trust, or make me question everything I think I know about us, you, love, or myself…I just can’t stay that way. Even as I write this, my anger fades fast because what’s the point in being upset with you? You either choose us or you don’t. I have no control over what you do. Just know that time is running out Jensen, and so is my patience.
Regardless of how I feel about you tonight, I hope you are doing well…perhaps happier than me this past month. Tonight, I hate that I fucking love you.
Next letter in February.
With all my love and loathing,
Your Serenity