Chapter Fifty-Seven
March 4, 2023
Dear Jensen,
I read a book…this book destroyed me in every way a book could, all because it reminded me of you. I’m terrified the ending of this book will be our future—your future. I don’t like the future that is forming in front of me, but there is nothing I can do to prevent it. I can’t force you to love me. I can’t force you to be my friend. I can’t force you to want to accept the help we are all willing to offer.
I want to stop time. Right here, right now.
I want to go back to you, go back to last July. I want to be in your bed and in your arms as you play with my hair. I want to hear you laughing with Grayson and Wyhtt. I want to wake up to you watching me from across the room and to see you looking at me like I am the only thing that matters. I want to steal your coffee and hear you grumble as you head back downstairs to get a second cup to replace the one I drank. Even though I know you drink yours black, the first cup always had milk and sugar in it because you knew I would steal it as I kissed you good morning. You thought I didn’t notice? I noticed it all, I remember it all. I want to go back before it is too late for good this time, even if for only a moment.
What are you doing? Are you really going to do this to us? Where are you? Are you okay? Because I’m not. I haven’t been okay in months and the closer summer draws near the more frantic I feel. Fuck, baby. I can only explain to you how I feel, I can’t understand it for you. I know when this all ends, it won’t be me who is full of regrets and haunted in their sleep from what ifs.
I LOVE YOU! LET ME LOVE YOU, YOU FUCKING IDIOT!
I LOVE YOU
I LOVE YOU
I LOVE YOU
I LOVE YOU
PLEASE BELIEVE ME WHEN I SAY IT!
Three more months, I am still yours…I hope that’s enough time.
Next letter in April.
With all my love,
Your Serenity