Chapter 18
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
brANTLEY
Bastian locked himself in the bathroom. We can hear his quiet cries despite the fan running. Fi walks over and sits cross-legged in front of the door, and her palm presses against it like she can feel him through the wood.
“Whatever you’re feeling, I can help you through this.”
Sebastian’s still quiet, and Fi bows her head, letting it rest against the door.
I look around, my eyes falling on the pile of books Fi had been sifting through yesterday. I walk over and pick up The Sword of Shannara and flip through the pages, savoring the old book smell. It reminds me of the library at Whitmore U.
I glance over at Fi. She hasn’t moved, so I go to the kitchen and set the book on the counter while I fill a large bowl with Lucky Charms. Then I sit next to her, placing the bowl of dry cereal between us. I hand her the book. She looks at me quizzically.
I clear my throat. “Do you remember in college when you used to read to me?”
A smile lights her face, though I can still see the worry crinkling the corners of her eyes. “It’s one of my favorite memories with you, B.”
I swallow. Same, baby girl. I nod at the book.
She takes it, looking at the description on the back. “Why this one?”
“Terry Brooks was my mom’s favorite author,” I say haltingly.
Even though Fi and I were briefly together in college, it was never official, and we never really talked about our families. I knew that her mom was an alcoholic, and she knew that my dad was a controlling asshole. Otherwise, we kept our happiness in a private bubble.
She accepts my simple explanation and opens the book, flipping to the first chapter.
Her voice is melodic as she starts to read, “‘The sun was already sinking into the deep green of the hills to the west of the valley, the red and gray-pink of its shadows touching the land, when Flick Ohmsford began his descent.’”
I lean back against the wall and close my eyes. I’m not really tired. Sleeping curled up in the barn with Fiona and Bastian was more comfortable than it deserved to be. But I need the distraction. Bastian’s unexpected departure this morning has left us both feeling off balance.
After a couple chapters, Fi pauses to grab a handful of cereal, popping the morsels into her mouth and chewing thoughtfully. “This is weird.”
“What is?”
“Taking care of Seb. Or trying to, anyway.”
I bite my bottom lip and look at the closed door. “Do you think what we did was a mistake? What if we freaked him out?”
“I hope not,” she says quietly. “I really like having him around.”
“Me too.” And I do. The thought of him leaving now is unsettling. I’ve never had anyone who cared enough to teach me how to chop veggies properly or remind me to put on a coat.
Tell me you have daddy issues without telling me you have daddy issues, Brantley.
I stretch my legs, easing the tightness in my bare calves, and lean back against the wall. “I hope he can hear us. I hope he realizes that he’s not alone.”
Something haunts him, and our night together was triggering. I want to know why. I’m tired of secrets, and once we know Bastian is safe and healthy, I’ll make that known. If we’re all stuck here with this complicated mess of emotions tying us together, we have to understand each other’s boundaries.
“You’re not alone either, you know,” Fi says, her eyes intense.
I swallow heavily. “But I really am, aren’t I? I don’t expect you’ll ever forgive me.” I gesture widely. “This whole situation is just temporary. You’ll go back to Vancouver and make a life for yourself. You’ll be wildly successful, and it won’t include me.”
She gives me a measured look. “Are you so sure?”
“Are you saying you’ll give me another chance?”
“No, but I’m saying we can be friends.” Fi smiles softly. “Vancouver is a big place to be alone, Brantley.”
I don’t say anything because I won’t ever lie to her again, and I don’t want her to know that being her friend would be more painful than never seeing her again. At least when she wasn’t around, I could forget what a colossal mistake I made.
She starts reading again and is just finishing chapter four when we hear the bathroom lock click. She stops midsentence.
“Seb?” she asks softly. “Can I come in?”
Silence.
She stands and turns the brass knob, slowly opening the door with a loud creak.
I’m not sure what I expected, but it’s not the man I see.
Bastian’s curled into a ball on the floor, wearing nothing but a T-shirt and his boxers, his head resting on his arms. His eyes are red-rimmed, staring straight ahead.
They don’t register Fi at first, but they slowly focus as she kneels at his side.
I wrinkle my nose at the smell and glance at the pile of clothes in the corner, realizing he must have vomited on his pants in the woods.
Empathy hits me right in the heart.
I spent months in his shoes after my accident—emotionally wrecked beyond repair.
Looking at Sebastian now, I see myself, and it’s frightening.
Between the three of us, he may not be the oldest, but he’s the mature one.
He thinks logically, and he always has control.
It’s hard to equate this broken man with the one I’ve gotten to know over the past few months.
The one who cleaned up my messes. Patched up my hand.
Punched me in the face. Kept me from hitting rock bottom.
I always thought it was seeing Fi again that saved me, but I realize now that if he hadn’t taken care of me every time I showed up at the pub, I wouldn’t have had a reason to get up in the morning.
I blow out a breath as the realization hits me.
I wanted to see him.
All that time, I thought I was just going to the pub to get drunk, but that wasn’t it. I wanted to look into his eyes and feel like someone cared, even if it was tough love.
And he never once let me down.
My throat tightens as I watch Fi run her fingers through Bastian’s hair.
He shifts his position and places his head in her lap.
The bathroom isn’t very big, so I step over them and grab a cup next to the sink and fill it with water.
Then I sit across from them with my legs out so that Sebastian has to place his feet in my lap.
His eyes are the bluest shade I’ve ever seen.
“What happened?” I ask quietly. “Was the sex that bad?”
I want to kick myself for the joke. I start to stutter an apology but a smile ticks at the edge of his dry lips.
“I was just…overwhelmed.” His voice is a rasp, like nails on a chalkboard.
He squeezes his eyes closed. “Sometimes this happens after I’m intimate with someone, but normally, I wake up alone.
” He opens his eyes; they’re tumultuous like an unsettled ocean.
“I don’t want anyone to see me like this. Weak. It’s humiliating.”
The way he won’t look directly at either of us, I can tell there’s more to what happened, but I don’t push it.
I nudge the water toward him. “I used to feel like I had to be the strongest person in the room. I was a hockey player—a tough guy. But it gets to be too much. You can’t carry everything on your own.”
His eyes redden, a tear sliding down his cheek, but he reaches for the water. He pushes himself up to sitting, then takes Fi’s hand and laces their fingers together. Bastian sips the water and his head fall back against the cabinet.
His skin is so pale against his dark hair, which is damp from sweat, but even in his current state, I can’t deny what Fi said: Sebastian Conner is the most beautiful man I’ve ever seen.
“What time is it?” he asks.
“Close to one,” I say remembering the time on the stove when I was in the kitchen last.
His eyes narrow as he notices the half-eaten bowl of Lucky Charms in the hallway. “Is that all you two have had to eat?” His voice drips with disapproval, and Fi hides a relieved smile behind her hand. He peers into the bowl. “And which one of you is picking out the marshmallows?’
Fi laughs. “That would be Brantley.”
“Guilty.” I smirk.
“For fuck’s sake. It’s a wonder that either of you have survived as adults the way you eat.”
“Oh, I’m sorry, Seb,” Fiona snarks with an eye roll. “We didn’t have responsible parents growing up or siblings around who gave a shit.” His face falls, and Fi frowns. “Seb, I shouldn’t have—”
“No, you’re right. My stepmom and dad weren’t perfect, but they were around. And I did have Charlie and Marcus to rely on.” He stands, pulls Fi up, and extends a hand to me. I take it. “I’ll make us something to eat.”
Sebastian walks into the kitchen and starts rummaging through the fridge. He’s still in a T-shirt and boxers, but he doesn’t seem to notice or care.
I do, however.
The way his ass and thigh muscles flex against the tight fabric is really distracting. I sit on one of the living room love seats while Fi gets the fire going.
I take a breath. “I have a request.”
Bastian laughs. “Well, don’t make it complicated or I’ll have to make another run into town.”
“No, I mean...” I clear my throat, gathering my thoughts. “I want us to talk. All of us.”
Fi looks over at me and Sebastian pauses with bread in one hand and cheese in the other. They watch me expectantly.
My heart pounds and a wave of heat runs down my spine.
I have no idea why I’m suddenly so nervous.
“I want us to talk about everything.” I nod at Fi.
“Whatever you’re hiding about Dennis, you need to tell us.
We need to be able to protect you. To help you.
” My eyes cut to Bastian. “And you need to tell us your boundaries because whatever the fuck happened this morning scared the shit out of us.” I swallow.
“I’m not saying we have to share every single secret, but let’s put our relevant damage on the table.
We’re stuck here right now. Together.” I give Fi a meaningful look. “ After last night…”
Why is it so hot in here?
I blow out a breath. “After last night, I think we can all agree that despite what we’ve said or done in the past, we kind of like each other. We don’t have to start defining anything, but let’s try to come to some sort of a truce so we don’t all go crazy.”
Fi and Sebastian exchange unsure looks, and then nod hesitantly.
Sebastian goes back to making grilled cheese sandwiches. But just as I turn away, he says, “No alcohol this time though. Seeing Stitch’s rendition of Magic Mike last night is where I draw the line.”
I flip him off, and he snickers. I sit back and put my feet on the coffee table. That nervous feeling still churns in my stomach.
“Has anyone checked on Captain Jack?” Fi asks. I shake my head. “I’m going to make sure he has feed and water.” She walks to her small bedroom to dress and then slides on her boots and coat and heads outside.
Sebastian and I also pause to dress before returning to the kitchen so he can finish making our meal.
“I know you have baggage too, Michaels.” Bastian butters one side of the sandwhich and slaps it onto the old griddle. The smell of toasted bread and melting cheese makes my mouth water.
“Baggage?” I look at him innocently.
“Don’t give me that shit. You aren’t innocent in all this. You and Fi have been dancing around your past since we got here. Don’t you feel like it’s time to really apologize?”
I give him a pained look, but I know he’s right. We won’t always be in this little bubble, and that was our problem last time. We need to talk about the hard stuff.
I stare out the window at the dense, snow-covered forest. I’m so tired of apologizing, but Fi deserves it. She deserves to know why I left and why, if she gave me the chance, I’d never leave again.