Chapter 20 #2
When I met Fi, I knew she was different for me because for the first time in forever, I felt a tickle in my stomach.
When she spoke to me, gave me a flirty look, or casually touched me, it felt like something inside me had finally woken up.
And now that Michaels is in the mix, the two of them somehow light me on fire and I’m waiting for whatever this is to fizzle out, and I’ll be left alone with nothing but ash.
The bathroom door opens, and Fi walks out.
I know that people look more attractive the more you get to know them, but every time I see her, she steals the breath from my fucking lungs.
She’s dressed in skinny jeans and an oversized sweater, and she’s drying her damp hair with a towel, droplets of water dripping down her neck in a very distracting way.
“Where’s B?” she asks, glancing around.
I look away.
“What did you do, Seb?”
“I—”
I, what?
I pushed him away again? When he was trying to connect with me? Again.
I couldn’t deal with my own shit so I hurt him instead?
Again.
But I’m afraid of what happened to me and what all of this means.
“I was an asshole,” I finally admit.
Fi purses her lips knowingly. “Not that I’m super surprised, but being that we’ve had a few breakthrough moments together in the last day or so, can I ask why?”
“I just…” I rub my hands down my face. “Fuck. He asked me about something I’m not ready to talk about.
Yet.” In that moment, I wish I could be as carefree as Brantley and just lay my emotions on the table.
I’m tired of coming off as this closed-off prick when I’m actually just so fucking scared.
“But I will,” I say loud enough for my voice to carry. “I’m just not ready right now.”
Fi gives me a sympathetic look.
I down my drink. “I should probably give him a little space. Will you walk with me?”
Fi smiles and nods. She returns the towel to the bathroom and then moves to the front door, where she grabs her coat and a toque and sits down to lace up her boots. I do the same, bundling myself up.
We step outside, our feet crunching in the snow as we make our way down the steps into the yard. Fi looks at me questioningly, and I nod toward the path leading to the barn.
“I found another trail off this one about halfway through the woods the other day when I came out to…”
I’d come outside to smoke. I snuck out the morning after Fi admitted to fucking Michaels.
“To smoke?”
I glance at her. “Uhm, yeah.”
“We could smell it on you.” Fiona frowns. “I don’t approve, but I understand.”
“I don’t do it often,” I say quickly, and Fi gives me a small smile.
“I know.”
We walk in silence for a few moments, and I turn when we reach the fork in the trail and continue through the dense trees, careful to avoid snow-covered tree roots and patches of ice.
I reach over and catch her hand in mine. My stomach dips at the contact, and she laces our gloved fingers together.
“I want to ask something,” she starts, “and I hope I’m not crossing a line.”
We’ve stopped walking, and I cock my head at her. “Okay.”
“Are you…” She bites her lip and squeezes my hand tighter. “Asexual?”
I choke on a surprised cough. Am I? Despite my lack of sexual experience, I don’t think so, though I’ve read that asexuality is quite the spectrum.
I’m horny all the time, but it’s true that my dick doesn’t always work when I’ve tried with other people.
But it certainly works around Fi. And Michaels. I shake my head at the last thought.
“Is that a no?” she asks.
My eyes refocus on her, and I’m lost for a minute in her pink cheeks and the adorable dusting of freckles over the bridge or her nose.
She tilts her head to the side. “Earth to Sebastian.”
“Sorry,” I say, smiling. “No, I don’t think I’m asexual.
But I might be demisexual. I’ve considered it a lot over the years.
” I swallow and look down at the ground.
We’re so close that the tips of our boots are touching.
“You know I haven’t had sex in a long time, but it’s not for lack of trying.
” I flush, suddenly feeling self-conscious. “I just…things don’t often cooperate.”
Fi raises an eyebrow. “I haven’t noticed any issues.”
I bark a laugh. “No, you wouldn’t. You were just one of the first people since before…”I bite my lip. “Sexuality is really hard for me. I never feel…normal. When did you know you were bisexual?”
“I’m actually pansexual.”
“I don’t think I’ve heard that term before.”
“It just means I’m attracted to anyone regardless of gender or gender identity.
” She scrunches her nose. “Sorry, that sounded a bit clinical. I didn’t really have a name for what I felt when I was a teen, so it’s kind of new to me too.
” Fi tugs me forward, and I follow. “My best friend when I was a kid was trans, and eventually we dated. Micah took a lot of my firsts. Thankfully, his parents were super supportive, and he started puberty blockers when we were about ten.” She smiles, a flush creeping up her cheeks, and it makes me smile too.
“You must’ve loved him.”
“I did,” she says simply. “Very much.” We break into a clearing and her breath catches. “This is so beautiful.”
The evergreens stretch out before us, creeping up Mount Baker like snow-laden ivy, and in the distance, the tops of the glaciers glisten white in the gray afternoon light.
She leads me to a fallen log and brushes the snow away so we can sit, both of us folding our coats beneath our butts to avoid the moisture from soaking through.
“Even small-town Washington has its bigots,” she says sadly.
I nod because I get it. We’re both from small towns, and despite the liberal core of the Seattle area, there’s a lot of ignorance in the more rural counties.
“I suspect that’s what B’s dad was talking about when he called me a dyke.
” She purses her lips. “When Micah and I went to junior prom together, our relationship became town gossip, and eventually it spread around to some of the neighboring towns. Before that day, everyone knew we were friends but nothing more.” She swallows and tucks a loose strand of hair under her hat.
“It was a real scandal, I guess. People were misgendering him constantly and calling him names. We tried to ignore the attention, but it got to be too much for Micah’s family, and they moved away. ” Fi rubs some moisture from her eyes.
“Do you guys keep in touch?”
She nods, smiling. “He lives in Seattle with a really cute boyfriend and works as a copywriter for a marketing firm. I’m so fucking proud of him.
Anyway.” She shrugs and I feel her shoulder brush mine.
“I knew back then that I was pan, even if I didn’t really understand it.
Micah’s gender was irrelevant to me. I just loved him for who he was. ”
We sit quietly for a while, watching the clouds as they start to shroud the top of the mountain in a hazy mist.
“I think that’s more snow coming,” I murmur. “We should get back.”
Fi nods and stands and we backtrack through the forest. By the time we reach the cabin, it’s almost dusk.
Fi stops. “That’s weird.”
I glance at her and then follow her gaze. The windows are dark. “Maybe Michaels fell asleep.”
“Maybe.”
We walk up the steps, and I stop. The door is slightly ajar. Fi and I look at each other and then rush forward, throwing it open.
Fi yells, “Brantley?” at the same time that I shout, “Michaels?”
I rush up the ladder and stare around the loft. It’s empty. “Not up here,” I call.
“His coat and boots are gone,” Fi says.
“Fuck, it’s almost dark.” Fear, cold and sharp, creeps through my veins at the thought of someone hurting him.
I scramble back down to the main floor, and Fi runs to my side, yanking me by my sleeve toward the door.
“Wait.” I grab a couple of flashlights from a shelf. I hand one to Fi. She turns it on as we step outside. I flick the power button on mine, but nothing happens. “Fuck, we’ll have to share.” I toss the busted flashlight aside and follow her down the steps.
“B?” she calls.
Snow has started to fall, the wind blowing the flakes into our faces as we scan the property in the fading light. The flashlight beam sends shadows careening through the trees.
I cup my hands. “Micheals!” I try to keep the panic from my voice because I can feel Fiona’s anxiety rising as she spins around, squinting into the darkness.
Regret hits me square in the chest, and I swear to myself that if he’s okay, I’ll apologize.
He’s not the fuckup he thinks he is, and I need to tell him that.
Just as we’re about to head toward the barn, my eye catches on something.
“Fi, look.” I walk down the driveway, following the truck’s snow-packed tire tracks. Fresh footprints crisscross through the snow. Fi follows them with the light. They snake into the woods on the other side of the road and disappear down into the ditch before reappearing on the other side.
I step in front of Fi and clutch her hand as we track what is hopefully Michaels’s trail. I step along the edge of the ditch and slide down, barely catching myself. Fi’s ironclad grip on my fingers is practically bone crushing, and I wince when our knuckles grind together.
“B?” Fi’s voice is softer this time.
The woods feel heavy in the blackness like the trees could suffocate us.
“Will you guys shut up and turn off that light?”
Fi screams, and I yank her behind my body, my heart pounding painfully against my ribs. “What the fuck, Michaels?”
“Shh! Quiet.”
As my eyes adjust, I see him. He’s squatting down behind a fallen tree, peering over the trunk. Thinking danger might be nearby, I crouch down beside him and pull Fi with me.
“What’s going on?” Fi whispers.
Michaels presses a finger to his lips with an annoyed look. Then he points.
We peek over the log. At first, I don’t see anything but snow and trees. Then, I hear a crooning noise that sounds like…clucking? Movement catches my eye, and I spot a hen nestled inside an old stump. “Is that…”