Chapter 3 #2
I nod. “Don’t get me wrong. I wouldn’t trade my vacation fling with Teddy or everything that came after, because I love my kids and you guys and living in Skylark.
But I can’t let Luke and Laurel feel like a burden the way…
” I trail off and use the corner of my napkin to wipe an invisible spot on the smooth tabletop.
“I just don’t know how to have an identity outside of being their mom.
It’s the only thing I’ve been good at in my life. How uber pathetic is that?”
Sloane wraps an arm around my shoulder and squeezes me into a tight hug. “It’s not. But you’re more than your ability to take care of those sweet kids.”
I choke out a laugh. “Not sure my ability is something to brag about when we’ve been living with my mother-in-law since Teddy’s death. I’m hardly the poster child for independent single moms.”
“Because you’ve been busy paying off his debt.” Avah’s tone is angry on my behalf. “We all know you took a loss when you sold his vans and rafts. All that fancy equipment for a business that never turned a profit.”
“Yes, but—”
“Credit cards maxed out,” she continues. “Loans in your name…all of it dumped on you after he passed. And with no life insurance. He put you in a bad spot, Mols.”
I draw in a deep breath. “I made my last payment to the credit card company this month. I’m free and clear, at least from that.” It’s a small win, but it’s mine.
“Why are you moving to Albuquerque with your mother-in-law when you love it here?” Piper asks.
Sadie elbows her, and a silence falls over our group.
“Is that a bad question?” Piper whispers.
“It’s not,” I answer before anyone else can. “I’m moving because that’s where Linda is retiring to, and she wants her grandkids close. It’s nice that she wants us with her.” Did that sound convincing? Doubtful.
Avah’s eyes narrow. “No one in the history of the world has ever described Linda McAllister as nice. She’s for sure not nice to you. She treats you like a servant, Molly.”
“She took me in after Teddy died,” I argue weakly. “I had nothing. No money, no life insurance, no way to pay the bills. Nothing but debt and two kids who had just lost their father. I owe her. If it wasn’t for me—”
“No.” Iris holds up a hand. “We’re not doing that again. The part where you blame yourself because Teddy put a raft in that river when the water was running way too high and fast to be safe, even for somebody with his experience.”
“But he—”
“No.” Avah leans forward and points a French-manicured finger at my face. “You are not responsible for his death, and Linda needs to stop trying to make you feel that way.”
“Or you need to stop letting her,” Sadie adds in a gentler tone.
“Exactly,” Avah agrees. “Was Teddy’s death a horrible accident? Yes. Do we feel for you and the kids? One hundred percent. Does it mean you don’t deserve to be happy? Fuck no, Molly. You’re a good person and a good mother. But you only have one life.”
“One wild and precious life,” Taylor echoes, and I recognize the line from my favorite Mary Oliver poem. “What are you going to do with it?”
A million excuses fill my brain.
“What do you want to do with it?” Sloane asks softly.
“It’s not moving to Albuquerque,” Piper murmurs, earning another elbow from her sister.
The book club’s newest member is going to give Avah a run for her money on having exactly zero fucks to give when it comes to calling us out on the ways we play small.
The ways I play small and let fear rule my world.
“I want my kids to see me live big and take risks…” I shake my head and pat my thigh again. “Even if those risks mean I end up slightly bruised and battered. Piper’s right, you know?”
“She is?” Sadie asks, sounding incredulous.
“I am?” Piper echoes, then nods. “Of course, I am. About what?”
“I hate the idea of moving to Albuquerque.” I sigh. “And I’ve been making excuses for a long time. Playing small to please other people.” I rest my head on Sloane’s shoulder. “I don’t want to do that anymore. I want to choose me for once.”
“Yaass, Queen,” Avah says with a wink.
“I don’t know that I’ve earned queen status, but I want to stay in Skylark more than any place else I’ve ever lived. It feels like home here.”
“This town has that effect on people,” Iris confirms with a grin.
“You’re staying in Skylark.” Avah raises her fist in the air. “Let’s f-ing go!”
The table erupts in cheers and applause. Patrons at the neighboring tables glance over at our celebratory outburst, but none of us care. The warmth of my friends’ support wraps around me like a blanket.
“I also want to keep the farm.”
My friends go silent.
“Are you sure about that?” Taylor asks, her smile dimming slightly. “A property that size is a lot of work.”
Avah studies me. “You want to live in Shrine-to-Teddy Manor?”
I roll my eyes. “It’s more than Teddy’s childhood home. My kids love it there, and so do I. I’ve put a lot of money and energy into the property—redoing the greenhouse and amending the soil for my flowers. The house has good bones. It just needs a little love.”
For the first time, I’m not waiting for someone else to decide my future. I’m actually making the choice myself. “The farm isn’t just a place to live, it’s where I want to build something lasting and beautiful.”
“Honey, you could make an outhouse beautiful,” Iris tells me. “But will Linda let you stay there? I thought she was intent on selling.”
“I’ll buy it from her. I have a little savings, even after paying off Teddy’s debt.
If this year’s flower season goes as well as I hope, I should have enough money for a down payment.
A small business loan could be an option.
I just have to show Linda I’m capable of making it on my own.
Maybe her being gone on this trip is the time I need to pull up my big girl panties and find a way. ”
Sloane squeezes my arm. “Heck, yeah.”
I smile at my friends and realize I haven’t felt this hopeful in…well, forever.
“It’s settled then,” I tell the group. “I’m up next for the bucket list challenge, and I’m going to figure out how to do life on my terms. Like Kristen Quinn said, I’m going to lose my fear.”
“What about the hot cowboy Linda saddled you with?” Avah asks.
I think about that long and hard, then shake my head.
“I’m keeping the cowboy. If he wants to pay off the debt he thinks he owes by watching my kids and helping me until my ankle is better…” I shrug. “Who am I to turn away free labor?”
“What about how he treated you the weekend of your wedding?” Taylor leans across the table. “The opinion he seemed so willing to share.”
“Let him have it. I know who I am. You all know who I am. What the heck does Chase Calhoun’s opinion matter?”
Sloane sets down her glass of iced tea with a deliberate clink and fixes me with that steely I’m-kicking-cancer’s-ass stare. “Look who finally found her backbone. About damn time, Molly.”
Maybe she’s right. I can stand up for myself, make my own choices, and stop caring what other people think. Maybe I’m finally ready to become the person I want to be, and no one—not my mother-in-law or a hot, broody cowboy—is going to stop me.