Chapter 2
Two
Taylor
While I wait for Iris to arrive, I stare up at the ceiling, blinded by tears, thinking about Will and reliving our story, from the day he came to give me an estimate on damage to my roof after a storm.
Our connection was immediate. He emailed me the estimate along with a note that said, Whether I get to fix your roof or not, maybe you’d have dinner with me?
I sob as I recall receiving that message after telling Kate that the cutest guy came to give me an estimate on the roof. Kate said it was the first time she’d seen my old sparkle since Greg died.
After getting Will’s note, I texted Kate to come for wine and news.
She was at my back door five minutes later. When I told her the cute roof guy asked me out, she screamed so loud, she scared my daughter, Eliza, who came rushing into the kitchen to find out what was wrong.
“It’s okay, honey,” I told Eliza. “Auntie Kate is screaming because she’s happy.”
“You guys are weird,” she said with six-year-old disdain before returning to the show she’d been watching in the family room.
“Tell me everything,” Kate said. “Leave nothing out.”
My whole body is convulsed with sobs.
A female doctor comes in to check on me. “Mrs. Lonergan, I’m Dr. Goodwin. I’m so very sorry for your loss.”
“Th-thank you. The baby…”
“He’s doing just fine. Your blood pressure is a little high, though, so I want to keep you overnight.”
“I… I have to go home. My kids. I need to be with them.”
“It’s safer for you and the baby to be here right now. Do you have someone you can ask to stay with them?”
“Yeah. I’ll call her.”
I don’t want to call Kate, who loves Will almost as much as I do, and tell her he’s dead.
“I want to see my husband. They said I could…”
“Your friend Bryan said you have a friend coming to be with you. Do you want to wait?”
“Yes, Iris is coming. I need her.” I look up at the kind young doctor. “What am I supposed to do? How can Will be dead? I lost my first husband…”
Her kind face softens with compassion. “Oh no. I’m so sorry.”
“I can’t go through this again,” I say through sobs. “My kids… The baby… How will I do this?”
She takes my hand. “I can’t possibly know what you’re going through, but your baby needs you, and your older children do, too.”
“I… I know… I just don’t know how…”
“I’m here,” Iris says as she rushes into the room.
The doctor steps aside to let her in.
She hugs me tightly as I sob. Despite the despair and overwhelming grief, I’m comforted by her presence. We hug for a long time before she pulls back to look at me, her face awash in tears. “What do you need?”
I appreciate that she knows the drill and doesn’t start with platitudes such as “at least he didn’t suffer,” or any of the other stupid things people say when they’ve never been where we are.
“They’re keeping me for observation because my blood pressure is high.”
“Then you’re in the right place for yourself and the baby.”
“I was waiting for you before they take me to see him.”
“I’ll be right by your side for whatever you need.”
“I have to tell people.”
“I’ll do that for you.”
“I can’t ask you to call his parents. I have to do that.”
“Then I’ll sit right here with you while you do.”
“How do I tell them this? He’s their pride and joy.”
“You just say the words. It’s all you can do.”
I stare at my phone for a long time before I pick it up to make a call that’ll forever change the lives of people I love. They’ve fully embraced me and my children and made us part of the Lonergan family. What’ll happen now that we’ve lost our connection to them?
I’m sick to my stomach as I look for my mother-in-law’s number. My thumb hovers over her name for a long moment until I press the button to make a call that’ll devastate them.
Claire has been a wonderful friend to me and grandmother to my kids. My heart is shattered as she picks up the call, her voice hoarse from sleep.
“Taylor… Honey… Are you all right?”
“I… It’s Will.”
“What? What’s wrong?”
“He had an acc-accident at work and…”
She screams so loudly that I have to hold the phone away from my ear.
“Please don’t tell me…”
In the background, I hear my father-in-law, Frank, asking what the hell is happening.
“Will. Something happened to him at work.”
“The thing on the news,” Frank says. “Was that him?”
“I… I don’t know about the news, but he fell from scaffolding. They… they said… he probably died on impact.”
Claire’s wails shatter me. Will was her favorite—according to his older sisters—and their favorite, too.
Frank takes the phone. “Where are you, honey?”
“Inova ER.”
“We’re coming.”
The call ends abruptly. What else is there to say?
“They’ll call his sisters, right?” Iris asks, looking as gutted as I feel.
“Yes.”
That’s when I notice Gage by the door. “Come in,” I say to him. I’ve met him only a couple of times, but his presence is comforting because he, too, gets it. I still read his inspiring Instagram posts every day.
“I’m so sorry, Taylor.”
“Thank you for coming.” He’s a widower, so I wouldn’t have blamed him for sitting out my catastrophe. I appreciate that he came.
“We’re here for the long haul,” Gage says. “Whatever you need, whenever you need it.”
His sweet words bring fresh tears to my eyes. Who could’ve imagined when I cofounded the Wild Widows with Iris and Christy that I’d need the group twice in one lifetime? Not me. That’s for sure.
“I want to see Will.”
“Let me go find out about that,” Gage says.
“His foreman, Bryan, was here and asked about it earlier, but I haven’t heard anything more.”
“I’ll be right back.”
“It’s good of Gage to be here,” I tell Iris. “He barely knows me.”
“But he knows what you’re going through, and he wants to help. We both do.”
“Other friends would’ve tried to talk me out of seeing Will. You guys know not to do that, which is what I need right now.”
“You’re in charge.”
“I have to call my parents and ask them to stay with the kids.” I make yet another excruciating call to my parents, who adored Will and were so thankful for the happiness he brought back to my life.
“What’s wrong?” my mother asks.
“Will is dead.”
“What?”
Her cry wakes my dad, who takes the phone from her. “What happened?”
I have to say it again, through tears and despair so deep, it’s all I feel. “Will died in an accident at work.”
“Oh God, Taylor. I don’t know what to say, honey.”
“Can you and Mom relieve Kate with the kids? She’s been there for hours.”
“Of course. What about you? And the baby?”
“My friends Iris and Gage are here with me. The baby is fine, but the doctor is keeping me for observation. My blood pressure is up, but I’m okay… Or, well, not at all okay, but you know…”
They’ve been through this with me before. The last time, however, we had plenty of warning that Greg’s valiant battle was coming to an end. The shock of this loss will take months, if not years, to fully process.
“Tell Kate we’re on our way,” Dad says. “And, honey, we’re so, so sorry.” His voice catches on a sob. “We loved Will like a son.”
“I know, Daddy. He loved you, too.”
“What should we say to the kids when they wake up?”
“Tell them I’ll be home soon.” My kids are intuitive, wise beyond their years. They’ll take one look at the grandparents they know as well as they know anyone and realize something terrible has happened.
“Okay, honey. Keep us posted on how you’re doing. I wish there was something more we could do.”
“Knowing you’re with my babies is what I need right now.”
“We love you. We’re so sorry.”
“I love you, too.”
I no sooner end that call than the phone rings with a call from Kate.
“That’s my neighbor. She’s with the kids. I… I need to tell her…” I’m so drained after telling our parents that I can’t imagine going through it all again, even for one of my best friends.
“Do you want me to do it?”
“Would you?”
“Of course.” Iris takes the call. “Hi, Kate, this is Taylor’s friend Iris. She… she asked me to tell you that Will…” Her eyes fill. “He died from his injuries.”
I can hear Kate’s wail despite the call not being on speaker.
“They’re keeping her for observation since her blood pressure is elevated. Can you stay with her kids until her parents get there?” After a pause, she says, “Thank you, Kate.” Another pause. “I will.”
She hands me the phone. “She’s heartbroken.”
“She adored him from the start. She was the first to know he’d asked me out.” Thinking about the beginning of our romance has me smiling until I remember it’s over now, and then I’m sobbing again in Iris’s arms. “How?” I ask her. “How will I ever do this again? And my kids… They love him so much.”
“I wish I had the words you need right now, but there’re simply none that would be adequate. This is grossly unfair.”
“I don’t know what to do. What do I do, Iris?”
“You take it one minute at a time, and you keep breathing. That’s all you can do.”
“My Will. My sweet, precious Will…”
I’m crying so hard, I can barely breathe. How can he be gone? He was twirling me around the kitchen—slowly due to my late pregnancy—this afternoon before he left for work. Or was that yesterday afternoon now? I don’t know… I’ve lost track of time and everything else in the last few horrific hours.
Gage returns with a nurse pushing a wheelchair. “We can take you to him, Taylor.”
Iris and the nurse help me out of bed and into the chair.
I’m shocked by how weak and feeble I feel when I did a maternity exercise class yesterday morning with no problem. Shock has sucked the marrow from my bones and left my muscles quivering as if I’ve run a marathon.
I didn’t experience those physical effects when Greg died because I had months to prepare for that loss.
As much as I dreaded his death, I also welcomed it by the time it happened as it also ended his terrible suffering.
There was a comfort in knowing he was free of the disease that took so much from him—and us.
There’s no such comfort in losing my perfectly healthy second husband.
The nurse disconnects me from the baby monitor and asks Iris to push the IV pole as we roll down a long hallway.
Every health care worker we pass along the way looks at me with sympathy that makes me want to scream.
I’ve already done this once. I want to tell them I don’t want their goddamned sympathy. I want my husband.
I want my Will.
I’m weeping silently as we come to a stop outside a closed door. “Iris.”
“I’m here, Tay. I’m right here.”
I reach for her cold hand and hold on tight as we enter the room where the lights have been dimmed.
Will looks like he’s sleeping on the bed.
Someone covered him with a light blanket that I grasp as I stand for a closer look.
His skin is already different, waxy, and his head is at an awkward angle, which I realize is from the broken neck.
His gorgeous dark hair that gets curly when he needs a haircut is matted with blood from a cut on his forehead.
I drop my head to his chest and wail as the reality becomes impossible to deny now that I’ve seen him with my own eyes. The familiar scent of our laundry detergent clinging to his light blue denim shirt is like salt in an open wound.
Iris is there, holding me as I’m overcome with unbearable grief for myself, my kids and our unborn child who’ll never know his father.
I can’t do this without him. I simply can’t.
I’m not sure how long we’re there in that oddly lit room with the body of the man who was my whole life a few short hours ago and is now gone forever.
I raise my head to look at his face, to kiss his cold lips that used to kiss me back with so much heat and desire.
There’s nothing now but despair as I run my fingers through his soft, dark hair, which is the one thing that feels the way it should.
“I love you so much. I always will.”
Iris must’ve helped me back into the chair. I’m so undone I can barely function as she pushes me back to my hospital room. When I arrive, Will’s parents are there, and their faces tell the story of complete devastation.
They bend down to hug me and ask where he is.
Gage takes over, offering to show them to their son.
I’m thankful for him because I simply cannot.
Iris and the nurse help me back into bed, and the nurse reconnects me to the monitor.
The echo of the baby’s heartbeat is a reminder that I’ll soon be a single parent to an infant and two other children who’ve already endured enough grief in their young lives.
Even years after losing their dad, they still occasionally cry themselves to sleep.
They lead happy, joyful lives but are always aware that someone important is missing. Now there’ll be two people missing.
I’ve always known life isn’t fair, but this is just too much.
“What can I do for you?” Iris asks.
“I don’t know.” I stare at the far wall, focusing on a black dot that gets my full attention.
As long as I’m staring at that dot, I don’t have to think about the monumental task that lies before me.
I don’t have to think about how I’ll tell my kids this devastating news, or how I’ll have a new baby on my own, without the daddy who couldn’t wait to meet him.
There’ll never be a photo of Will with his son, a thought that sends me into new sobs right when I thought I’d run out of tears.
Iris crawls into bed with me and wraps her arms around me. She says nothing, which I appreciate. What is there to say that would help me right now? Not one damned thing, which she knows.
We’re still wrapped up in each other when Will’s parents return to my room, their expressions haunted and devastated. They look to me for something I don’t have to give—an understanding of how such a thing could’ve happened to this man we love with all our hearts. But I have no answers.
If my love could’ve saved him, he would’ve lived forever.